Have I been too harsh ?

Nothing to do with Fibro, but a bit of advice would be welcome. My daughter was 10 minutes late home yesterday evening, she didn't call or txt to say she would be late, she said she forgot the time, so I have grounded her for next weekend, she said that's fine, I was late, so I will take the punishment, normally she is fantastic.

Have I been too harsh with her, she is 16?

Hugs Mazz

11 Replies

  • I think it all depends on circumstances. At 16 I was out clubbing 4 times a week with my parents consent, but if I messed up at college my parents were straight on my back to punish me.

    I do however think these days 10 years on that safety is a higher concern than it was when I was running late.

    However looking at it from her point of view, she's 16, she thinks she is an adult and that she knows it all...heck we've all been there.

    Instead of punishing her and forcing her to stay in, why don't you go out together as mother and daughter. I'm not saying treat her as that wouldn't work as a punishment but at treats she may think how nice it is to get some mother daughter time, which isn't something her peers are likely to promote.

    Likei y I've been there, I've pushed boundaries as far as I could go, and sometimes crossed a line knowing sodding the consequences. But now my mum is my best friend and wouldn't be without her.

    So I wouldn't worry too much, there will be times she loves you and times she's screaming that your don't understand her, but in the end it will come full circle and you will have yourself the best friend ever.

    Hope that helped and wasn't too much of a ramble...


  • Hi

    When mine were teenagers if they were late they had to come in the same amount of time earlier. Ten minutes late for ten o'clock means next time ten to ten.

    It seemed to work pretty well.

  • Hey bluebell, what a great tactic! Fab. :)

  • Tricky, as you set a time and she was late. Ten mins isn't much, but you want to instill in her that being on time is important and is what she should always aim for. Ten mins late for a job interview wouldn't go down well... Also, it's a worry when your children aren't home when they're meant to be. It may feel harsh, but I guess the end result will hopefully be that she isn't late home the next time she's out. Oh to be a mum ;) I should add that I'm not a mum, though I am a strict but fair auntie ;)

    Pip xx

  • I think so just tell her she must let u know as u worry but she is 16 and they forget

  • Hi, We have a real good relationship, it's very rare we have a cross word, and she seems fine with the punishment, she knows I worry and its the first time she has been late without letting me know.

    Her friends spend a lot of time at ours as they think my partner and I are fun (much to my daughter dismay ;) )

    but they also know they can't get away with anything.

    I agree Lisa I was out clubbing at 16, out until all hours with out a care in the world, never realising how worried my Mum was. I'm lucky in a way she never asks to go to clubs or anything, her and her friends have turns having dinner parties, she has male friends too all of which I like.

    so I think next time if there is one (I'm sure there will be) I won't be as harsh. but I can't go back on what I have said now.

    Thank you all

    HUGS MAZZ xx

  • I can't say that it's right or wrong but I will say that I put a call into my

    daughter if she is more than 10 mins late..then I struggle with that because

    if she is driving, then she will be talking to me..I give her a buzz on her phone

    to remind her that she should start for home..some other parents make their

    kids set their alarms on their phones to tell them it's time to header home..

    I always want her to be safe than rush to get home to avoid a punishment..

    Its bad for me to call her when she is driving, that could end her life..I never

    call and leave angry messages on the phone...I always ask her to call and

    tell me what's going on so I won't worry...Every time my kids went out I

    reminded them that I am a clock watcher and I get scared if they don't

    come home or call me...I have this saying to my kids since they were old enough

    to drive I tell them not to get married or buried...the last words re always

    Make good decisions...those words are very powerful...the responsibilities

    are their own out on the road...

  • Two things to keep with children. A threat and a promise.

    You decided she should be in by 10.00 and this time she was 10mins late. If you ignore it it could be 20mins next time.

    If she thinks 10.00 is too early then you could discuss it.

    You sound like a great mum.x

  • I don't know I think grounding for a week a bit much..10mins isn't that long. If you are grounding her because of your worry then yes perhaps need to rethink, if its because you are teaching her the importance of time that's another thing..but time keeping is not my strong point. You must be in America because when i had that issue in uk, I was told my daughter is 16 she can do as she wants! (Parent lIne) She is 16...do you trust her? or is your neighbourhood a worry? I started worrying after 1/2hr especially if there was no response on her phone..but that is just me..I don't ground my children just talk to them about responsibility and safety. What i do tend to do is organise a (my day out) usually after the incident, education based...museum, art gallery, open gardens..etc which my children would attend after all if they can cause worry, we will relax doing something good together! (my daughter would be responsible for checking the times for say, the exhibition or talk so that we didn't miss it) My oldest daughter is now very good at time keeping,

  • The problem is worry makes fibro worse. It sounds as if your daughter understands that, Mazz. She sounds a really sweet girl, and you're obviously a great mum! I'm sure you give her lots of praise when she is thoughtful and considerate, and I think that's all that matters.

    Mim x

  • Hi Thank you all for replies, I do the best I can, as we all do as mums and aunties, I live the in Uk, she maybe 16 but she know she cant do what she want,

    she really is a good girl, she wants to be a Vet so she studies really hard bless her, normally she would let me know if she was running late, of course when she forgot I was even more worried, and she does understand about the Fibro.

    I always give her lots of praise, I tell her every day how proud I am of her, we are very close, I brought her up on my own until she was 10, I do trust her, our neighbourhood is ok really but you can never be too sure.

    I have never made a threat I wasn't willing to carry out and she knows that, I had a chat with her this evening and asked her if she thought I was too harsh, she said no, you had warned me what would happen if I was late with out letting you know, so its fine, she said like you say Mum "actions always have consequences good or bad" and in this case it's bad for me! lol.

    we always have a girly night together, movie, treats, nail painting ect, I'm very lucky with her really, my friends think I'm too strict, but she disagree and say I'm not, as I always explain why I won't allow her to do something. oh the joys of motherhood!

    Mazz xx

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