Family life of hell

Hi, I am writing this post as I have no one else to talk to.

I am a 42 year old male with fidromyaliagia and m.e. I was diagnosed in 2007 and have been off work since.

I am married and my wife is also my career. I have limited mobility and depend on her for alot of things like shopping, cooking and cleaning the house. She left work to look after me so I dont feel to guilty asking her to do things for me. I try to do as much as I can but I am in so much pain from head to toe I find it difficult and get tired really easy.

Well the last few months have been a living hell, my wife says she's had a enough of me and wants me to leave she cant stand to look at me anymore. I would find this hard at the best of times but with fibro and m.e my brain cant function to handle this. We live on benefits and she handles all the money and shopping and the last few weeks has stopped cooking for me and I have to sleep on a couch in the spare room.

I want to leave but trying to get the money to move house is almost impossible. I need a deposit and a months rent in advance to get a house which comes to almost £1000. I have been on the phone everyday trying to get help but keep getting past from pillar to post.

I am not looking symphony I just need help to get my life back.

Thank you for listening.

49 Replies

  • Hi Blake, I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time, it does sound ghastly. I'm in migraine mode atm so not as much on the ball as I would like to be, but could I suggest that you contact firstly your local council and get them to put you on the housing register. Your wife will have to actually make you homeless in effect so that the council make you a priority, but explain that to them. The other thing is to call the CAB and get advice from them, they really do know all e charities etc that you can apply to for funding and will also be far more clear about your housing rights with the council than I am. So sorry not to be of more help, but you know you are welcome here for advice and support .

    Foggy x

  • I am so so sorry to hear of your story...I have no advise really just wanted to say hi and that I hope you can find somewhere soon. it must be devastating for you that your wife doesn't want to help you anymore. but if you are sleeping on a couch no wonder you are in constant pain, thats an awful thing to do to someone who has Me and fibro. I have just been diagnosed with Fibro and my hubby is very supportive...reading your story though shows that caring for someone can take its toll on a relationship. I truly do hope you find a way to come through all of this either with your wife or on your own. Try to stay positive and if you cannot get any help from benefits etc to help with your housing deposit seek help from your local councillor or MP. That is what they are there for to help you. Good Luck and Best Wishes.

  • Hi Pebbles thank you for your kind thoughts and advice. I will take on your advice and let you know the out come.

    Best wishes.

  • Oh please do keep us informed....also maybe try to email the head of the housing department at the council...going on housing lists are good but usually take a long time to get anywhere on them...3-5yrs usually. However due to your conditions (if you don't mind me calling them that) you should be able to get a ground floor disabled flat. There are usually a few of those each week to bid on as not many people bid on them as they are kept just for disabled people. Definitely apply if you haven't already, email your local councillor and then the head of housing expressing your situation and also that you have contacted your LC ... it has an impact and might speed things up a bit. Let us know how you go. Take care

  • Hi. Pebbles is so right!

    My Brother in law had to go on the priority list for the council recently as he was living in a van on his dad's drive (we had his 14 year old daughter in our house). It took 10 weeks to get him a house in Sheffield because he was put on the Priority list (which in the long run isn't too bad). He wasn't well himself (over 20 stone, sleep apnea - similar symptoms to fibro but no diagnosis of anything as wouldn't see a GP) and working extra hours to pay off debts

    We had to inform the council as well that I was ill and couldn't look after his daughter any more before they would give him two bedrooms.. but it did happen at last! Please don't give up - tell the council Every thing and do NOT UNDERPLAY the Fibro. The woman at our council seemed to understand about it, but not everyone understands so if you have to take in doctors reports, web info,DO IT it will be your best chance at getting on the priority list.

    My motto is that if person A (ie people you know who have got things in life by persisting) can do it, then person B (YOU) can too. It will be harder with Fibro and ME but some authorities seem to want to see you fight a little before they take you seriously, and you have to jump through their hoops first - its stupid I know when you don't have the energy, and is easier to give up.

    It will take up a lot of energy, your wife will start questioning your abilities if you do push for something (but let her know you are investing some energy into YOUR future) and you can have a jolly good rest when you are not wrangling with all the paperwork. Make that your goal and try not to take anything else to heart. Use what little energy you have on YOUR future.

    I know it is hard to get by with fibro, but try and change your thoughts if possible. Good thought use up less energy, and if you cannot do that, then rely on a doctor to help you do that, by temporary medication, please, if not already doing so.

    If you were diabetic and need insulin - no one would complain. If you had thyroid problems and took thyroxine, you would be congratulated on getting something sorted out. Yet if you need a neurological supplement for a genuine inability to cope without the required level of seratonin in your body, then all hell breaks loose - everyone tells you not to take the thing, and "get more exercise" and "snap out of it" - it is still a medicinal need - it still needs therapy.

    You will have realised by now that men are in the minority when it comes to fibro, and will have read that some GPs think men don't even get it. You need the same treatment as anyone else with this condition if you are to become in the right health with enough physical and mental strength to fight for your rights and a home over your head. Tell the GP what is going on - he/she are there to help you, right?

    Please, please let us know how you get on. I really got a lump in my throat when I read your letter.




  • Thank you for your kind words of support they mean alot and give me the strength to do what I need to do.

  • Hi

    Sorry to read your story and as one who is in similar situation with the pain etc (but not the dragon of a wife) it strikes me that she should be the one to get out as she is the mobile one and not you.

    I do agree you need to get some help and quickly and with only the phone you are at a terrific disadvantage to other people.

    Hopefully you may get things sorted and good luck to you.

    Kindest regards


  • Thank you for your support it means so much.

  • Hi how horrible can some people be telephone the homeless unit at your local council they will give you loads of help with finding somewhere for you to go and with housing benefit, council tax benefit and your benefits you never know you may start to feel better when you leave all the strain behind and what your wife has to remember karma always comes around good luck please let us know how you get on x

  • I really appreciate your support thank you. I have been in touch with my local housing association, just my luck I was to late and have to wait untill Monday untill their office opens.

    Ah well I've lasted this long I guess I can wait another couple of days.

    Once again thank you for your words of kindness.

  • Stress and upset is one of the worse things for anyone with this misunderstood condition. And if you still love your wife, it will hurt you to see her in such a negative place too.

    Try giving your wife a printout of the above web articles if you can.

    Maybe (Calmly) Tell her that she may think that she doesn't care for you any more, but even if you were a stranger, she shouldn't be saying or doing certain things to make your condition worse. By trying to understand a little and biting her tongue it will make your life easier so you can eventually make better decisions, be happier and help both of you through this difficult time, if she really wants you gone, then at least you will be in a better place to do just that.

    If you find you can come to terms with the fact that there is no turning back, maybe ask her for some help (I don't know her so this would be something only you will know might help).

    She looks like she has come to the end of her tether but that may not be all you, you know. If she is stressed out from being a carer, this may seem her only answer to the situation, and may be suffering with depression too.

    It really is a horrible situation, Glad to hear you have made the first steps with the housing association. Please be persistent with them - sometimes you have to be at their heels all the time, but it is worth it.


  • How on earth can you comment on this situation when nobody has any idea of the true facts behind this story!?

    How can you call his wife "horrible" and talk about "karma"???

    For all anyone knows, this man may treat his wife appallingly, and she may simply have had enough!!!!!!!!!!

    And how dare anyone sit in judgement on ANYONE, especially with only one side of a story available!

  • I do understand what you are expressing here but there are lots of questions/cry s for help on here that have two sides to the story...but members express their sorrows for others to advise and help them...I am a newbie on here off only 2 days or so but I think I can speak for almost everybody here when i say that we hope that people who are asking for help and advise on here are telling the truth and we have no reason to disbelieve them..hence people feeling his pain and anguish of his situation. If we don't believe our fellow members then what is the point of being a part of this group and asking questions/giving advise to all sorts of problems

  • everyone is entitled to their own opinion

  • absolutely!!!!...But that works both ways and is why Downawell should not be putting his/her comment above regarding other peoples opinions. x

  • Hi I hope you get sorted soon, what a nightmare. Ring council ASAP on Monday they should help you.

    Take care

    Jan x

  • Hi. I'm so sorry to hear of the situation you find yourself in.

    I can sympathize with you in so many ways as my life too is a living he'll at the moment. My darling daughter committed suicide 5 weeks ago and I'm devastated. She was 20 years old. Never showed a sign that she was depressed so came as a complete shock!

    That's another story tho, which I may post about in the future and I'm here to help you if I can.

    I think you should stand your ground with your wife. Contact the cab and see where you stand re, the house. Hopefully, you will find that you have as much right as your wife to live there. Sorry, I'm not a legal expert so forgive me if I'm wrong, or say something daft! Would she be likely to take legal action to make you move out? Could you come to some sort of agreement such as she contributes towards the money you need to be able to move out? Even if it was a loan, it would be a means to an end and you would be out of whats essentially a cruel situation. You deserve so much better than to be treated this way.

    Just a thought but have you googled charities that could help? There are loads out there! I don't know if I'm allowed to mention the name of one that I have used in the past and I apologise if I'm not but I know that this site could be used by many people for a massive range of different types of help and advice. It's called turn2us. It's basically a list of charities and some questions which you can answer if you want that will narrow down the search for you. Have a look, you never know, it could be useful to you.

    I wish you all the best, the strength and courage you will need to make these changes in your life. Things are going to change, but however hard and painful it may be, don't give up. Take care of yourself ok? You are worth it.

    Love and gentle hugs


  • Hi Chilli I am so sorry about daughter, may she find peace in her new abode

    Big hug to you


  • Thank you xxx

  • Chilli this post will give me the strength to get things sorted. Nothing I will say will help you at the moment, my suitition is nothing to what you are going through. I lost a close friend very recently to suicide and have seen what it has done to his poor wife. your true friends will help you through and also your friends on this wonderful forum, which you can count me as one of them.

    please feel free to contact me anytime.


  • Morning Blake7 sorry to here about your friend I send you a hug . Remember they are always just in another room waiting for us xgins

  • Hi there so sorry its just not a good time for you right now and believe your me I've been in so real low mood places with this fibro well to the point. You need to fill in an application for your local council, when your on their list then have someone write a letter giving you notice to leave your home, this then gives your council the duty to care for you it may not have miraculous solutions attached you may be put In a hostel to start with but this will certainly lead up to your own home . I've told you the worse so I don't mislead you into thinking its so easy . on the other hand with medical evidence say mobility that kind of thing a doctors letter that will give you high banding for that home you so need good luck and hope you find the solution so sorry to hear your situation gentle hugs your so in need .

  • Thank you so much thats great advice.

  • Hi Blake so sorry to hear your news, just remember what goes around comes around, she will get her comeuppance, being as she is telling you to get out is it her flat, and has she read up about fibro and me, because you have nothing to show for both that you are in so much pain, maybe she thinks you are putting it all on, if she hasn't read anything about it why don't you get her to, or go the the Internet find all about it and print it off and leave it around for her to read, then if she doesn't let up she must one selfish thoughtless person, we are all here for you it's a great site to be on, keep us updated as to how you get on....Gentle hugs ...Dee x

  • Hi thank you for caring.

    I know she thinks im not as bad as I am feeling no one does unless they are going through it so thank God for all of you lovely people.

  • Hi Sorry to hear your story, it sounds like you have a lot to contend with & stress is one of the things that makes all our symptoms so much worse (commonly known as a flare up)

    I'm wondering if your wife is struggling with the amount of care you need but even so it seems unreasonable to ask you to leave when you are unable to work & have no finances other than benefits. If you are obligated to move you could ask to be put on a list for suitable social housing as it comes up but you would be entitled to remain where you are until that came up I am sure.

    My advice is to contact the Adult Social Care department for your area & tell them the details of your circumstances. They have been a great help to me providing help with advice, care & equipment to help me manage.

    I wish you good luck & hope things become better for you soon.

  • Thank you for your support. Today she has made it final I have to leave. I have been trying to contact my family for support but they dont want to know (they have not been talking to me for years as my wife cant stand them so they kept their distance).

    I am so glad I have this forum and all the caring people on it.

    its a true saying know one truly understands pain unless they go through it.

  • Hi Blake,

    43 year old chap with FMS and spinal issues here who is in a similar physical situation. I am very fortunate to have a partner who helps and I have tried to imagine where I would be without her and it felt like a pretty isolating place.

    All the advice here is good and you definitely need to follow it. Also, you are doing the right thing by trying to renew old ties to your family and perhaps old friends would be good too. Obviously I could be speaking out of turn here, but if your family wanted to avoid her and she let that happen, it smacks of controlling behaviour - as if you were a convenient situation to tack onto. Do not let her push you around mate... dig deep and stand firm until you have found yourself a safe place away from her - renewing ties to help keep you sane and strong through this is important, as are the people who will offer support on here.

    Another thought I had was: if she is healthy then SHE should be the one sleeping on a sofa! It is just cruelty otherwise! Call social services and have them come round to assess your needs and see what they might be able to do to help - their assessment will help with your housing needs and they carry a lot of weight there.

    Take good care of yourself and remember: rest then attack, not the other way around when possible!

    Best of luck mate...


  • Oh, Blake. Hang in there. Things will happen. There are so many things that can be put in place, looking at the posts here - all with the intention of helping people like yourself. I didn't get much support from friends, really myself. I have limited contact with my family, and in the 1980s - even though I had 2 "best" friends with spare rooms, I never got any offers to put me up when I had moved 12 time in 8 years at one point. I had to trust the council then, and they came up trumps.

    Never underestimate your condition. It IS classed as a disability - don't let them tell you otherwise. Always offer to send them details and printouts off the web to prove it.

    I hope these help both you and service providers. Having info like this to hand and offering it, I find, helps me to be calmer and more secure in my knowlege so I know I don't have to panic about being refused help.


  • this is a American site ?....

    Don't think any of the information given on it will do us in UK much good.....Fybro is still not thought of by the DWP as a 'disability'....If you have been able to get any one in the DWP to addmitt that it is..then please tell the rest of us how you managed to do it.....

  • Hi Rosaann

    They say on this site (above) tha FMS is in the DWP workbook, but yes, it's still a grey area and you have to be armed with the details for people who misunderstand the condition. I have not had any dealings with DWP, as I have not been made unemployed (yet) and survive well just doing 3 days a week. I know there is a lot of info about it with the fibro societies and the support group I am in keep passing info round.

    Ah, didn't realise at first that the lawyers page was american, as I saw social security mentioned, but have had another look, and yes it is american, sorry.

    Blake, l hope it went OK today


  • I hope for your sake you stay fit enough to work....unfortunately I have't worked for some time now because of fybro and chronic fatique.siatica and other issues....DWP are not at all sympathetic too I can say with some personnal experience of their treatment . I have been told that with all of my on going problems I can return to work...even though my GP and pain specialist are backing me....we have't had 'social security' in this country for some time all comes under DWP... so stay in work as long as you can's no fun being ill with our benefit system at present.

  • Ta :-) I hopefully can hold out a bit longer at work - they have been good to me over the last few years, but we are so short of staff, I think they are being as nice as possible just to stop us walking (it takes months to get a replacement in some of the NHS specialist depts). It never was that way years ago and I think that was what made the fibro get worse (had it since my teens) and I had to drop my hours. Touch wood!

    How's it going, Blake?

  • A breakdown of relationship is hard even without being ill, you're doing well coming on here talking about it asking for help.

    As you said she wants you out so things are prob gone too far but Soc services would give an assessment for u and your wife too as a carer

    They can still assess your care needs maybe help to move also cab can advise and help.

    If your wife is no longer your carer she will not be able to have carers allowance and will have to look for work.

    I hope things get better for both of you, its a sad situation.


  • I know you are the one in pain and are ill, but maybe your wife is worn out emotionally and physically. It's very draining caring for someone 24/7. There was a sentence in your post that spoke volumes to me. 'She left work to look after me so I dont feel to guilty asking her to do things for me.' Really? Was she happy to leave work? Is she fulfilled being your carer? Sounds to me like she is very resentful. This is not to excuse her current behaviour, but we don't know how she feels. Sick or not a marriage takes two people to make it work. One cannot be giving all the while, whilst the other does all the taking. I think the two of you really need to talk. Quietly and calmly and really LISTEN to each other.

  • Oh thank goodness ...another calm minded non judgemental person in here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Hi Blake

    I am so sorry you are going through this. I too am losing my partner of five years, my world and my everything. We started growing apart earlier this year and since being turned down for the DLA three weeks ago we have few conversations on the phone which are short and cold, we don't live together cheaper to live separately in London.

    Keep writing on here, every time you get down come on here and off load. This community will never close you out, will never get fed up and someone will always reply. Don't do anything off the cuff or stupid, talk to us first, coz on here you go many wives. We are everyone's family. Keep safe. x

  • hi blake the first thing phone the s/s and get your money paid to you not the thing .

    that way she has not go as much control of you , and maybe once she has no money things will change as she will only get doll no cares or any think else . and at least you will get some control of your life . Does she think you will leave and she will still get all the money . and then every think above and sending soft hugs and you are not winging or on your own you have us xxx

  • Hi Blake, I am sorry to hear about your situation. The one things that is really making me frustrated is why you are accepting her decision for you to move out. She is well and able, so if she wants to seperate, then she should move out, unless it is her property. I hope everything works out for you. Keep your head up xXx

  • Hi again Blake, so sorry to hear that your wife has confirmed what your fears already were. I have just read all the lovely comments/help/advise people have left you. Its so reassuring to have such good positive people when we are feeling so low.

    I have had one more thought tho...whos name is the house/tenancy in??? If your name also is on the said deed/contract then you really should stay put as you are the disabled one. If it is in just your name..tell her to go as she has no right telling you to go. If it is her name then this will help you get a council flat and if she rights a letter saying she has chucked you out it speeds things along. If it is a joint one then the council may not help as you will be voluntary making yourself homeless and they dont help....yes i know it sucks..been there myself. Go check your tenancy etc make sure whos name it is in..hopefully it will be yours and you can seriously call her bluff and show her the door saying one word..KARMA. Fingers crossed hunni...sorry to dampen spirits regarding council but wanted you to check who the house legally belongs to etc. Let us all know and if not you and you have to still ring the council dont take any crap from them ok..cos they really do try to put ya down..sorry im not sounding positive for you at all but just trying to help and make you aware of what to expect. xx

  • My husband of 13 years left me two weeks ago. He has been having an affair with a married woman. He told me he would always be here to look after me no matter how bad I get. Well I have been real bad since he left. He cannot go 3 days without either ringing me or texting me. He says he loves me, but he loves this other woman too. I want her husband to know what kind of woman he is married to, she has a boyfriend as well as her husband and my husband!. I am devastated. I ask him not to contact me, give me space and time to move on but he still texts. He spent the night with me Wednesday, it was lovely feeling him there. But the next day he has gone. This other woman is 48, he has told her he its over, to leave him alone, so now she comes back with, she is pregnant!! I need to find the strength not to answer his calls, but, when the phone rings and its him I cannot help myself. He is 10 years younger than me and says he thinks its like a mid life crisis. I never ever thought he would do this to me. I would have put money on it, I thought we were solid. All because some woman fancied my husband and came on to him.

    I am in limbo.............I think he dont want me but dont want me to be with anyone else.

    Sorry, I am rambling.

    I am so sorry about your marriage.......must be something in the water.

  • Poor you Blake it must be hard for you with no support but i have had fybro for many years and my husband is very supportive but now he is ill awaiting knee replacements and we are both home all the time. He is very depressed and i do control the money but because he likes me to he says he is hopeless with money, but I must say from your wifes point of view as well its very hard when someone is very down trying to keep cheerful and managing on a pittance that we get paid in benefits. Why dont the two of you try some counselling maybe you are not talking to one another about whats going on i am at my wits end with my husband being so negative,he has always been a hardworking man and we have lost everything in the last year a business we have gone bankrupt but we are trying to work things out by talking i have had some therapy and just talking to someone else does help please try talking to each other and see the doctor see if you can get help for both of you good luck hope you find solution to your problems xx

  • Hi

    I am sorry to hear how bad it is for you right now . If its ant help when I was first diagnosed with fibro and ME my partner reacted the same as you wife he was wanting out and moved in with his sister he would email me no and again to see how I was I would tell him the truth I got in some lodgers to help me pay the bills and life went on A few months of living like this He came to visit me He said he was sorry for reacting in a way that made him want to runaway. He said he felt sad for loosing me to an illness We saw each other once a week for 6 mnths and are now back together with much more understanding between us this is what happened to me Why not get some couple counselling she may also be in pain the pain of loosing you

  • Hi Blake! Such great comments and advice here. I am in no way a judgemental person and I'm just wondering if your wife is becoming tired and stressed. Does she know that there is respite care - for you and for her? Maybe if she got away for a short break she may feel a little better and more able to cope? The same for you. Your local social services should be able to help. Do you have a social worker? I know they can be a pain sometimes but I have found that they can also be very helpful and an asset at times. I made a self referral to my local occupational therapy department and got no end of help - grab rails, stair rails, they even put a wet room in for me. I do hope you get the help you need, although it must be very difficult for you right now. Take care....hugs....XX

  • Hi,

    I'm just thinking around this, and finding myself feeling very understanding of your situation, and a little frustrated on your behalf. I wonder if an alternative solution could be that your wife could move out instead - she is fit and well I take it? It might be far easier on you with all the pain and difficulties you have already, if you stayed in the home and get financial support on the mortgage/rent - then maybe your wife find a nice place for herself? She would hopefully find work (unlike yourself) and you'd be safe in a familiar place. You never know, you may be able to patch things up, don't give up hope. I know it's a strain on relationships - I really don't like asking my husband for help all the time - but we don't have a lot of choice do we - sadly. But I do know my husband would offer to move out rather than put me, a disabled person out of a home. Don't rush into things, take your time to think. I wish you strenght and hope you both find a fair and safe solution xx

  • Hi Blake,so sorry to hear what you are going through.My ex husband was my carer and he wasn't very sympathetic and understanding and he was nasty to me at times. As he had his own problems too as he was an alcoholic I ended up separating from him and then getting divorced.As I was on my own I ended up seeking help from social services.I have my own personal budget where I employ two people to be my personal assistants.They help with all the day to day things I find hard and help me with my kids.I wanted to let you know that I was in a situation where I was renting privately and I was given a months notice to move out which was very stressful as I had no money to pay the deposits.I found out that I could apply for a crisis loan for a deposit and a budgeting loan as well.I got awarded both but you do have to pay them back.I tried applying for a community care grant but got turned down.You can try applying for this as you don't have to pay this one back.If you contact your local job centre or go online and type in crisis loan and budgeting loan you will get info about them and the eligibility criteria.I hope this helps x

  • Hi everyone - I've read all the replies and I must say, I think most of you are being very judgemental towards Blakes wife :-(

    Perhaps she has her own health issues / it's very difficult being a carer - trust me, I've been one !!

    I don't dispute there are needs for help here but please people, give some thought to Blakes wife, who hasn't had her chance to offer her side of the situation :-)

    I hope and pray for you both Blake :-)

  • Hi Blake, just wondered how things were going? xxx

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