family don't understand

[sylp65]

hi all , hope you all feeling better than i am at the mo. think we all know that some family members don't understand fibro and other health problems that come with it had a few words with my husband over money as we all do from time to time and he sent me a horrible text ( you should get to work and stop acting sick ) am so up set by it i texted back and said you don't get morphine pain patch's for nothing he just does not understand that this is the third time he has said this to me feel like packing my bags and just going off and never coming back. i have sorted out a collage course for my self that starts in September i do some crafting when i can to bring in some much need money. work place can't handle that i can't lift heavy things anymore (B&Q) so had to give up work i don't get DLA still waiting to hear about that i did not what to have fibro or the other problem but i do try keep going even if it take it out of me and am layed up for days just to keep the house clean food on the table just feel so alone in all this sorry for the rant soft hugs to you all xx

[julieevh]

It's awful isn't it? Sorry to say my husband eventually left me, we are now divorced, because he said I was lazy in mind and body. It was so strange because I loved him so much - but it was such a relief not to have to constantly prove myself to him; we have stayed good friends but I would love to hear him tell me that he was wrong to be so hard on me. I wish I could have educated him - the spoons theory is a good analagy that I've only just come across - my wonderful boy friend has really embraced it.

Apply for ESA and DLA as well, admin can email you the benefits and work helpsheets which are a real god send as they show you exactly where to make your statements to win the marks; without them it is too easy to write relevant points that if in the right place would win you the award .... but in the wrong place on the form they count for nothing. Plus collect all the evidence you can eg care plan, appointments letters to consultants, prescription list, letter from your ex-employers outlining the difficulties faced. Send photocopies with both claims.

Good luck

Julie xx

[fairycazzie]

Ohh syl and julie,

I am so sorry to hear that your husbands are and were not understanding!!

That so touches me it does honestly.

Not worth bothering with or being with if can not handle it!

Put boot on other foot i jyst wander what on earth would they do since they cannot even handle a cold (man flu).

Especially to syl i hope when your hubby is having a cr*p day, please do not have sympathy and return the line of... Ohh stop acting so sick and get to wrk!!

I am lucky this time round married 13 yrs & together 16 near enough. He cannot do enough to help and i have to say i do get cross now and again as i say to him... Look if i am struggling then you can do it. Ohhh but theres so so much he has to do now as i just struggle anyway. Even tho i go out to wrk.

Talking like that may just push you away and it adds to stress .

I actually talked with my hubby and told him he is welcome to leave if he cannot handle it . 2yrs 3 months since my operation and its the trauma of what happened set it off we believe!

How many times i been confined to my bed us un real.

He knows how very lively energetic i was as i am 43 but 2 yes ago dancing flipping over backwards, gym etc and now as if it never existed.

You can always inbox if feeling low. I had a very bad relationship previously which was physically, mentaly and verbally torturing at times, so i do understand.

Even words have an impact!!

Lots of love and hugs xxcazzie xxx

[Dixiesdaughter]

Hi syl

Just read ur blog and thought u could do with a wee virtual hug all the way from bfast :-)im sorry to hear that ur hubby has been a wee bit thoughtless and lacking in understanding. Im sure living with and caring for someone with fibro isnt an easy task and it would frustrate or try the patience of a saint nd there aint many men who would fit into that catagory lol it amazing just how much words can wound!! I hope u can sit down wiv ur man over a cup o tea nd a few choccie biscuits and address this matter wiv him. Tomarra a new day asthey say nd hopefully tomarra will find ya both in better form and pulling together as a team x take care x Dixie

[ladymoth]

So sorry you're having these troubles, Syl. Men are not very good at accepting illness in their women-folk - I often think that they see us as providers, of food, clean clothes, household services, and a large income into the bargain.

I was the bread winner in our family for many years as my late husband was disabled. In many ways he was a wonderful man, but he could not accept 'weakness' in others. When I became ill, he was puzzled, exasperated and angry, and was constantly telling me to pull myself together.

His disability and mental health problems eventually led to him taking his own life, and I often wonder what would have happened if he had lived.

I don't know if he would have accepted that I really was ill, or if he would have lost patience and gone elsewhere. In fact, in a way he DID leave - in the most drastic way possible!

To this day I feel guilty that I wasn't able to give him the support he needed, and wonder if this might have contributed to his suicide,

Whatever happens, remember that you have a right to your own life - you should never be viewed as a servant to other family members, and it's not your fault you are ill. You have a right to expect help and support from your husband.

Dixiesdaughter is right; all you can do is sit down and have a serious talk about how things are, and see if you can work out a plan so that you can both manage better and help each other to survive this crisis.

I do so hope that you find a way through, and that your health improves.

Love and blessings ... Moffy x

[Lima6MCT]

My husband was like that too at first giving me the "you need to get a job" shouting match then he'd be ok about it for months but then out of the blue it would all come out again.

Went on like that for two or three years, then the joint injury he was discharged (after 23 years) with from the Royal Marines with got worse, he developed Psoriatic arthritis and the pain got so bad he had to stop working. He's taking immuno-suppressants for his arthritis & it now appears that he may be showing some signs of Post-Polio Syndrome (he had polio when he was about 5 or 6 yo). He has since admitted that I'm in a worse state than he is (only took him about 8 years)! On the odd times that he has a bad day, like today, he thinks I should pander to his whims, but this time I got my friend to take me out for lunch. Well, I did tell him not to go out for a pint yesterday as he still hadn't got over the infection he had last week - as far as I'm concerned it was a case of it's self-inflicted, deal with it! I'm not all bad cos to allow him to get some peace to sleep I took the dog in the car with me!

BTW lunch at the Nepalese restaurant was lovely!

[sylp65]

thanks for all your comments i feel a little calmer today but i can't go on with his way of dealing with me having fibro and the other problem that i have. he has been a drinker for the past 20 years i have put up with all that he has done to me and our children we have lost a house, cars,and are in a lot of debt because of his drinking but he can not see that today will be make or break time i have to start living for myself now as our oldest child is leaving home at the end of the month my daughter has her own home and are youngest stay's in his g/f most of the time so am here many day's by myself am trying to better myself with going to collage so i can have a job that i can do and work round my illnesses thanks for being there for me xx

[Celticmoon]

Gentle hugs. Sending strength & peace. xx

[cobweb]

Sylp I truly can empathise with you. My husband is a recovering alcoholic, we had to sell our house to pay all our debts. We started again, 3 years ago, in a cheaper area, but the drinking had altered my husbands personality & coping with it had changed me too

He is disabled ( through alcohol) yet I did everything for him, despite my own ill health.He used to treat me appallingly, would send awful texts, made life unbearable, I even attempted suicide but was told by him that I only did it for attention, but he just couldn't see the harm that he was causing to my health & our relationship. Finally after one fight too many, I left 10 weeks ago - and although I'm sad that we couldn't save our marriage, I am honestly so much happier now.

We are in the throws of getting a divorce & the house is up for sale, life is sending lots of problems but I'm coping. Actually I'm not just coping, for the first time in years I'm actually happy.

Someone told me a while ago this piece of advice ;

'Nothing changes ,until something changes'

Now I understand what she meant.

I hope that life gets easier for you. Look after yourself, because YOU count too.

Heartfelt hugs

cobweb xx