My cousin is due to give birth to her first baby when we will be going through our first round of ivf. I'm really happy for her and this is a very exciting time for the family and naturally they want to celebrate. At the same time, I also feel extremely sad about my own inability to get pregnant and I'm having to go into a temporary chemical menopause at 30 in advance of starting ivf. I am really dreading having to visit my cousin and the baby in hospital/ going to the baby shower and hearing about the baby. Honestly the anxiety is making me feel physically sick and I keep thinking that I will burst into tears. I'm seeing a therapist at the moment but don't know what else I can do except start anti depressants. I don't think the family will understand why I'm finding it so hard to face babies/pregnant people during this time and I'm worried they will think I'm selfish and a horrible person. No one in my family has gone through infertility so I don't think they understand how much this hurts. They announced the pregnancy as a surprise during the holidays which I thought was a bit insensitive given they about our struggles and it would have been a lot easier if I had had some advance warning beforehand. I'm dreading questions from the grand parents about when we will get pregnant as feel I'm the weak link / failure as a wife.
Struggling with family baby due when ... - Fertility Network UK
Struggling with family baby due when I start ivf
I feel for you! It’s so hard having family or friends being pregnant and having a baby when that’s everything you dream of having. Glad to hear you’re having counselling as that will help as infertility as such a tricky time to navigate and cope with
It might be helpful to speak to your parents/grandparents prior about your feelings and worries (not sure if they know about your infertility journey or ivf) and request them not to ask you any baby related questions and limited baby chat when you are present.
You also don’t have to go to the baby shower or visit her in hospital. It’s a time to protect yourself and put yourself first. A sensitive message around why it’s hard to come to baby related things eg, you are so happy for them and their baby but at the same time, it’s really hard for you whilst having fertility treatment.
In all honesty, unless someone has gone through infertility and fertility treatment, they don’t get it and will never get it however if they are your family, they love you and will respect that you have to put yourself first and if that means missing your cousins baby related things, so be it.
Experienced exactly the same as you. And I found those who really love me, my dearest cousins and a best friend, never announced their pregnancies in front of me. I was the last person to know, and understood why they didn't inform me.
Hi, I think nearly everyone on this site will understand the pain you are facing at the moment. Nearly every baby announcement despite the delivery is a like a knife to your very soul. The pain is visceral.
I took to muting people on social media and WhatsApp, only reading/looking/scrolling when I felt a little more in a positive place and had built myself up to it. I also had therapy which was helpful and allowed me to feel happy for them whilst being sad that I (as many others) have difficulty with fertility. It may be the case that some of your family - aunts, grandmothers, cousins - also had difficulties, just didn’t and haven’t talked about it. It’s amazing once you start opening up about your hopes to have a child, how many people have also experienced this. It’s unfortunately hugely common but rarely spoken about.
Although every announcement doesn’t get easier, please see if you can seek peace in knowing that every step that you are on this journey is a day closer to when you hold your precious bundle in your arms. It may just be a slightly longer journey than anticipated but boy it’s worth it! Xxx
we had 3 family pregnancies (1 already had 2) and I wasn’t particularly happy about any 🤣 it was tough as hell and I avoided anything to do with babies, not helped by my bestie getting pregnant with her second too. Your just gonna have to wing it and avoid things if you don’t wanna deal with it, baby showers was a big fat no for me. All the best with your cycle!! Xxx
I am sorry, this answer will probably be the total opposite from the others, but I totally disagree with the approach in general. I will not be the one who tells you how sorry she is for you and how understandable what you are saying are. Your feelings are what they are, and they are totally normal. However, you need to discipline yourself and get stronger. You are 30, ie extremely young, you are just starting this journey and you are not the center of the world. Thinking that your family should not celebrate the good news and that they should have given you some sort of beforehand preparation or modified there enthousiastic reaction to the news is nonsensical. If you react this way to this issue, then you are not finished. You will allow yourself to be hurt by pregnant ladies on the street, not being able to be happy for your friends and family (which is absolutely fine, until the moment it gets on your mind and you happiness) and constantly struggle. You must work on yourself and change this mindset, for yourself. In general the world will not accommodate you, you must get used to the world. It is like if you could not see people owning car better than yours because that would hurt too much. Life is hard, there are many more challenges ahead of you, and if you want to compare your situation to others’, which is never a good idea, there are ladies on this forum in your situation at a much older age, and thus with much less time. Get strong and work on yourself, your time will come.
Hi Sarah
Thanks for your message. Do you have any suggestions with the 'how to get stronger bit'? This is what I'm struggling with as I no longer feel like myself since we've been going this process several years now and I feel worn down. Totally agree that I'm not the centre of the universe and I think a lot of what I am dealing with is depression so probably need to sort that out. I'm already doing therapy which has helped a bit. Been a really tough few years as I have severe endometriosis and adenomyosis so that in top of everything else has been hellish. I used to feel a strong person but have become a shadow of my former self with the physical pain and then also not managing to get pregnant for years.
You have already put everything in place to reach your goal: you are working with someone and this is HUGE, it is the central point. Now, you need to put yourself on the winning side. This is the hardest thing to do because nobody else can do it for you. Surround yourself with things that make you feel happy: activities that you love doing, motivational aps, great movies and books, positive friends, inspiring people. Work hard to find your owns things and do not put yourself in a position to complain or be comforted in a position “ poor you poor you this is so hard “, your feelings are valid and all that crap : this does not help you but rather maintains you in that position. For me, the things that work are buying second hand furniture, eating low sugar chocolate, watching great movies, getting my nails done , working super hard at work, becoming as knowledgeable as can be on IVF and reading Daniele Steel books. I strongly advise you to buy The Secret by Ronda Bhyrne and to make your vision board (she explains in the book). Mindset and stress management are way more important than you think in this journey. Simply do not put your eyes on events that hurt you, be strong and be very straight with people who bother you with their questions, so that they never ask again. Don’t expect from others to manage your issues (by giving you prep before telling you there is a new pregnancy for example), you are worth way way more. And with respect to your we have been doing that many years, unless you started at age 10, believe me, some ladies here have been trying for many many more years. Change the target. Decide how many kids you want, instead of worrying about potentially having one. If you are not happy with the clinic, change teams.
The life is all yours, you will make it. Own it. Soon, you will come here to share your good news. Go, girl!!!Xxx
I can see some validity to some of the points here but there is a certain harshness to what you're saying."Do not put yourself in a position to complain or be comforted in a position “ poor you poor you this is so hard “, your feelings are valid and all that crap
I would suggest that most ladies here find validation of their feelings very comforting and this lady is not the odd one out for feeling this way and . I do appreciate there are different ways to look at the situation and I get the feeling you are more of a logical person which may help you deal with these sort of issues more practically but many on here are certainly more emotive and sensitive and need more of a TLC touch. They are not in a minority and shouldn't wear a mask to cover their true feelings. Having said that I can totally see some of your points are very helpful such as ideas of distraction and this lady's age is certainly on her side especially in relation to many on here who are the upper side or 30 or early 40s.
EmeraldEm I hope you can take some wisdom from all of the posts on here to mix and match what is useful to you xx
True I am very direct. The value of these forums is precisely the diversity of the points of view. I mentioned clearly in my answer that the way she feels is totally normal, but that the way she treats them should in my view be different, the distinction is very important. I am generally not in favor of the “your feelings are valid poor you”, I find that it is not always useful. She is 30. But I totally understand you point and again, I strongly believe that the diversity of the points of view is what is great on this forum.
Well done you for calling it out!
I have been on both sides of this! I had a miscarriage dec Dec 2023 no heartbeat at 10 weeks I didn’t tell anyone but I was tasked with planning my cousins baby shower. He is a pilot got a girl pregnant and really wanted to introduce to the family as well as spoil her a bit! He told me first and I broke the news to everyone else. It didn’t hurt or upset me at all I just put all my efforts into the best baby shower ever and best day for the mum to be! I didn’t actually attend as I was abroad on a pre - arranged life saving mission (volunteering) but she had a fab day. I paid for all of it too!!! I met her for the first time this month at someone else’s wedding (we all live in different parts of the world) and she was so so grateful! I also invested for his little girl so she will have some ££ when she is 21.
I did all this with expecting anything and truly wanted her to feel welcomed and loved and spoilt. I had resigned myself to being childless! I had my first in Nov last year! A year later - she is happily creating a ruckus on baby Einstein as I type this.
EmeraldEm, don’t be so hard on yourself and those around you. Your time will come. I honestly thought I was going to be the poster child for infertility and the moment I let it go I got pregnant twice!!!
Yayayayayayayayyy you are amazinnnnggggg - thank you so much for sharing your experience - I truly hope many take inspiration from you. I am SO HAPPY to read that your rainbow baby is right in front of you while you write to us, but I am not surprised at all given your mindset. You are one powerful mama and your baby is beyond lucky to have such an inspiring mom Xxx
lol! We were in the ivf rollercoaster for 8 years of our 10 year marriage! We had it all! I really couldn’t put my life on hold so we both just cracked on. We went to baby christenings and are god parents to loads of friends kids!! In fact a good friend had a baby - know her since we were 7. She had a baby just before the lockdown. I took a day off work and went to clean her house, so when she got home from hospital it was clean. I stocked up, did their grocery shopping (what I thought was essentials) batch cooked etc. when I left home that morning with car packed to see my friend for the day my husband asked if I was coming back! I did as much as I could to make her life easier I looked after the baby so she could wash her hair and feel like a human after. A week in hospital (complicated birth) her hubby showered and went to bed. I stayed all day helping them both. The following week I received a card and flowers from her as a thank you and it said it’s such shame you two can’t be parents. You would have been great at it….people can be thoughtless! I still have the card - might be time to bin it not sure why I held on to it!!! The baby is 5 now and she gets a gift and a card at Christmas and birthdays - we got nothing when our little one arrived although in all fairness we kept the pregnancy quiet as it was just as stressful! One hurdle after the after…
I will tell you this though when I used to see pregnant women I used to think - thank god you escaped… take your baby and run… I didn’t know then but just felt like they were spared the awful and cruel IVF hell….
Your feelings are valid Em and you’re not alone. This should be a safe place for you to share your thoughts and worries. Thinking of you and sending you support at this difficult time. It takes time to process and understand how to deal with the situations you’re faced with and you shouldn’t feel bad about where your mind takes you in this new territory. Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best with your treatment
so sorry you are experiencing this, it is so hard. How you feel is really valid and normal and you don’t have to change how you feel. In fact i found that pretending i was fine and putting a brave face on everything just made me worse in the end, invalidated what i was going through and probably gave people licence to be insensitive as they thought i was fine. Do what feels right for you, that can change as there are ups and downs in our journeys, so don’t put pressure on yourself. X
I totally understand your feelings. For me what worked was being very selfish and just not congratulating or visiting those who had babies and kids, including my own sister until I felt like I wanted to do it.
What I realised is that I am the only one who knows how I feel and how to protect my mental health. Later, when I was mentally well to reconnect with people I also realised nobody noticed I was avoiding them and hurting, they were all busy taking care of themselves too. Specially those with new babies. Reality is they won't even remember who visited them or not.
That made me strong and then I was able to answer questions about when we are having babies with a simple: "We can't" (we have a very severe case of infertility with several failures, so even if it works we know it will take many, many tries). This may not apply to you, but stopped most people from asking me questions around this and updates.
Most importantly, you can't accelerate the process of getting stronger, just look for support and things that can protect your mental health now. You are the only one who can fight for yourself.
Thanks for your reply. That's a good point that people with babies will probably not remember who visited them or not. I do feel that I'm being a bit selfish by not celebrating more for them but you're right we are the only ones who can protect our mental health now. Also if I did go and became overwhelmed then that would probably look as though I'm being even more self centred so best to wait until I'm feeling up to it.
That's really helpful to know how you dealt with relatives and friends etc asking questions. I'm hoping when I get stronger that I'll be better equipped to respond to these questions but in the meantime will likely try to avoid these questions. Best of luck on your journey.
Hi lovely, yes I do feel you as well. I'm with the clinic for two years and last year the nurse who was in charge of me got pregnant and it was difficult and mixed feeling to look at her popped belly. Even looking at other families with little ones can upset me somehow. I do feel emotional challenges are more difficult to deal with in IVF journey. Really, need to treat yourself with additional self love and caring. Arranging a go away holiday for weekends, taking a bath, or anything you enjoy may help. Myself is struggling in this journey but I believe we will get out of it as a stronger person eventually. All the best to you. ❤️❤️
I hear you - it is unimaginably tough. Through our years of infertility I spent most of my time with head in the sand and filling our lives with hobbies and child free friends and activities, avoiding baby showers etc. each announcement is like a punch to the gut.
Now that we have one on the way (still complicated as it's via altruistic surrogacy) I look back and wonder whether I could/should have done anything different. To be honest I think you get through it the way you need to, it's different for everyone. For me I couldn't put myself in those triggering situations but also felt like a crap friend in the process, but when talking to these people afterwards they didn't feel that way in the slightest and didn't think I was being an unsupportive friend at all. There is a lot of internal monologue going on in our heads which isn't always helpful.
You WILL get through this one way or another. Don't beat yourself up for feeling this way, even the most kind and thoughtful people will have similar unwanted feelings going through this process. Your feelings don't define who you are. Xxx
you’re not a weak link and definitely not a failure. It’s a really hard time and I can relate to everything you are feeling. Don’t apologise or feel guilty for protecting your heart. Do whatever you need to do, to navigate this time while being as kind to yourself as possible.
Sometimes it can be helpful to quietly distance yourself a little from occasions which are upsetting. Maybe choose which parts you want to join in and which parts you might have other commitments.
During this tough time, I reminded myself that I would get there too at some point and there were definitely times when I had to seperate my own journey and other people’s. I feel for you, it’s a rough time and can be unpredictable, but try and protect your heart and know that this feeling is temporary xx
Good news is that you are 30 so the reality is that you will almost certainly become mom at some point considering all the help that is already available and with science progressing faster than ever. Bad news is that this isn’t really helpful right now. Right now emotions are high and they are valid. Send a card with your best wishes and avoid baby shower and newborn visit. I my experience it is easier to see a little older child , and not seeing them right away doesn’t mean that you won’t love them or have great relationships with them later on.
Being strong also means knowing your limits. Nothing wrong with antidepressants but taking them because you should be part of a celebration doesn’t make any sense. You recognize their happiness and they should respect your pain. Meaning they should have a huge celebration but not expect you to be there and smile.
And another thing. Being calm and at peace is important for IVF so focus on that.
It’s okay to protect your heart right now. You don’t have to go to every event or put yourself in situations that feel overwhelming. If visiting the hospital feels like too much, you can send a gift and visit when you’re ready. If family comments get too painful, it’s okay to step away from the conversation or have a simple response prepared.
You’re not selfish or a horrible person at all. Infertility is isolating, and when others don’t fully understand, it can make it even harder. You are strong for facing all of this. xxx
Lots of good advice already here but just to say you’re absolutely not alone. I’m a few years down the line and there’s a couple of friends who I feel I’m just bracing myself for an announcement from. I actually got a message this morning from a friend out of the blue and my immediate thought was ‘oh gosh I bet she’s pregnant’. It’s really crap to be in that headspace and brings up all sorts of complicated feelings when you’re already feeling pretty rubbish.
I don’t think I’ve found a great way to deal with it other than accepting the fact that being sad for me and being happy for them can coexist. You don’t have to pretend not to feel your feelings but you can try to separate them from how you feel about your cousin. Those feelings can sit side by side.
If you can’t go to something like a baby shower then don’t. Protect yourself.
Your value as a person isn’t linked to your ability to have a child. You are so much more than that. I think fertility does feel different but if you had another health condition I’m sure you wouldn’t consider yourself the weakest link. Give yourself some grace.
You're starting ivf which can be an anxious time but also full of hope and opportunity. After a difficult time ttc you’re now in the race, try to see that as the positive that it is.
Feeling like a rubbish friend
Advice - visiting friend with new baby
Break up just before ivf. Where do I stand?
Telling friends and family about ivf
