*sensitive* breaking the news to friends also struggling with infertility

[Missl73]

One of my closest friends has also been struggling with years of infertility and loss. We went through our first IVF cycle together, she had a BFN, I had a MMC a few weeks later. She had been an amazing source of support but in recent months hasn’t wanted to talk about IVF (her way of coping) so I’ve followed her lead and haven’t brought it up either. We’ve held each other’s hands through other people’s pregnancy announcements (including our irrational anger when Meghan Markle got pregnant!) and she’s the one friend I have who really understands what it’s been like. We live in different countries now and she’s coming to visit me when I’ll be 12 weeks pregnant. I’m now anxious about the best way to share my news, I know she will be happy for me but I know that feeling when someone tells you and it’s like you’ve been punched in the stomach and I can’t bare to be the person making her feel that way. What do you think, should I wait and tell her face-to-face when she gets here or should I tell her over text first so she has some time to process it before she sees me?

[kitscat]

You are a lovely caring friend and are very kind to put so much thought into this. I would pre-warn her. She will have time to be upset for herself then pull herself together and be happy for you. Xxxx

[Shirazlover2013]

Hi, I’d prefer to be told via message at a quiet time well before the trip if it was me. I’ve had both methods done to me and my preference is to be allowed to come to terms with the news in private. It’s such a hard emotion to process so I appreciate it when people let me do it in my own time.

Congratulations on your pregnancy though!! Xx

[Debrakay1704]

Lovely that you are so thoughtful. As below I would rather be told before and process by myself. I am sure she will be so happy for you though and congratulations on your pregnancy ❤️ x

[Cinderella5]

Hey, if it were me I would prefer to be told sensitively in a text message so I could process the news. Maybe a text telling her the news and say you are giving her time before you speak to her and you can maybe give her a call in a few days time?! Im sure she'll be pleased for you and the way that you have gone about thinking of her feelings. One of my so called friends sent me a text pic of buns in an oven with absolutely no explanation like it was a big fun guessing game knowing full well what we were going through.....as you can imagine I really didnt appreciate that one!xx

[Missl73 in reply to Cinderella5]

OMG what is wrong with people!! When I had my miscarriage my friend decided to announce her pregnancy to me three days later while I was still bleeding and when I told her I found the timing insensitive she just didn't get it. I think you're right, give her time to process it on her own first - I just want her to know that if she feels sad or angry it's totally fine beause I've been there and I won't take it the wrong way it's perfectly possible to feel sad for yourself and happy for someone else at the same time, I should know! xx

[Cinderella5 in reply to Missl73]

Exactly, what is wrong with some people! Im sure she will appreciate your situation and know how it feels. Like you say its normal to to be sad for yourself but happy for someone at the same time! Good luck, you sound like a lovely friend!xx

[Hidden in reply to Cinderella5]

We have all felt that way at some point been genuinely glad for them and not wish them harm but sad about our own situation as well.

[KatDub in reply to Cinderella5]

This is outrageous! Very insensitive, I can imagine how that made you feel...

[Hidden in reply to KatDub]

Yes that is really insensitive doing that!

[Lots8788]

Hiya,congrats re your pregnancy and how kind and thoughtful you are. I agree with the others re letting her know by text first xx

[Tiddly1984]

Hi, I also agree that you should tell her in advance. Allow her to not have to mask her feelings or reaction by having some privacy. It’ll also give her time to process the information so she can be the same friend to you and maintain the same friendship you’ve always had. She will likely have mixed feelings about your announcement initially and so may not appreciate finding out and being forced to spend time with you in the same moment, but I’m sure she’ll ultimately be happy for you...x

[Tugsgirl]

Congratulations 🥳 It’s very thoughtful of you to consider your friend’s feelings. If I were your friend I’d want to know beforehand xx

[Kiedy84]

Hi hun, did your friend know about your second round of IVF? I would also like to know beforehand. xx

[Missl73 in reply to Kiedy84]

She knew I was still continuing to cycle while she's been taking a break but she didn't know any of the specifics like the dates I've been cycling and because she hasn't asked I haven't told. She was a trooper when I got my BFP last time just days after her BFN and comforted me when that ended in MC so I know she'll be supportive no matter what. I just know that horrible feeling you get when someone announces and I find it hard to be the one that has to give her that feeling but I also know it would upset her to know that I hadn't told her. I just want to do it in the best way possible for her xx

[KatDub]

I would also tell her in text first and like you said, tell her that you know perfectly well that it may not be the easiest thing to hear. There is a difference between jealousy and envy and I'm sure she will be happy for you. After that initial 'pang' feeling I always felt that every success story gave me hope that IVF CAN work. It's not a competition and everyone has a different journey. As much as we wish we would all get pregnant at the same time, the reality is that it takes longer for some than others, which is obviously extra hard for the ones who feel left behind. You do sound like a great friend and I'm sure you continue to support each other. Good luck with the meeting xxx

[amandac84]

So

Kind to be so thoughtful that’s the best kind of friend. I have a friend who knows my journey who told me a few weeks in advance of a social gathering by text and said to me she wanted to tell me face to face but thought it would be better for me to process it before hand and knew that I would be happy but also sad. The fact she got it and gave me my space to be thy was goods so I say tell her first then she will deal and of course she’s happy for you but doesn’t have to try and hide any feelings on the trip xx

[Missl73]

Thanks for all your advice ladies, I agree I think the best thing to do is to tell her before she gets here so she has time to deal with it in her own way and we can enjoy our time together while she's here. This made me think about why hadn't I told her already (I'm 8 weeks now) and I think I wanted to wait until I was more certain the pregnancy was progressing so I didn't upset her unnecessarily. I have another scan at 10 weeks so if everything is fine then, I'll tell her so she'll have two weeks to get used to the idea before we see each other xx

[Hidden]

Definitely pre-warn her - write her an email so she has time to absorb it. Tell her that you understand if she is in pain and - potentially - doesn’t want to come. Open the door for her to be honest about her emotions. It sounds like she is in pain at the moment (blocking IVF out) so be very explicit about understanding if she needs space.

You are a wonderful friend - and, huge congratulations ❤️

[Missl73 in reply to Hidden]

I do worry about her - she’s really thrown herself into her job working crazy hours and travelling all the time but I think it might be displacement. I feel guilty almost like she deserves it more. She’s 5 years older than me and they have been TTC for a year longer than we have so I feel like it should have been her turn first if you know what I mean. I just want it to happen so badly for her xx

[Hidden in reply to Missl73]

I know it’s hard, but you shouldn’t feel guilty. This is your turn.

None of us deserve to go through such pain and we have to be supportive of each other, which often means giving people the space they need.

As I saw your post, yet another friend who also suffered infertility sent me a photo of her baby bump. It was like a stab to the heart. I can’t respond now. Maybe I won’t for a week. She knows I am happy for her, but - most importantly - I have to look after my mental health and, for me, that means keeping my distance from any pregnancy announcements. I have even deleted my Instagram account 😊

I guess we all have our own ways of coping x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Of course you are happy for her and wouldn't wish her ill but it stings when you see others get things you want for yourself as it shows that you are interested in them.

[Hidden in reply to Missl73]

It's a shame isn't it that pregnancy doesn't disvrimate on who deserves it and who doesn't!

[Hidden]

My advice is to tell her you have some news to tell her when she comes to see you then she will have some kind of idea in advance.

[Hidden]

Many years ago my line manager at the time who had just had a miscarriage received some news on the phone that someone she knew was pregnant and she had cried straight after she got off the phone. No warning just came out of the blue the news in an insensitive way.

She did have a little boy after called Samuel who is now 13.

[NMP1026]

Hey lovely

It is so nice of you to think about this and shows what an amazing friend you are! Congratulations on your pregnancy and being in this situation. I've been on both sides of this. Just after one of my BFN's my sister in law who knew all about the IVF turned upto a family party pregnant and happy to openly talk about it. She had been through her own fertility struggle but I was so hurt by how she handled it. I was so happy for them but also hurting. When I found out I was pregnant I had to speak with a few people who had been through fertility treatment and hadn't been so lucky these being a life long friend and my sister in law. We decided that we would speak with them and let them know. With a phone call you can reassure her and show you care. She can then have the time to process the information in her own way. I hope it goes well and wishing you lots of luck with your pregnancy xx

[Core]

I would tell her over text first so she has time to process it, I know this is what I’d prefer. I’m sure she’ll be really happy for you but this way if she’s going through a tough time she won’t have to face you straight away. I think it’s really thoughtful that you’re thinking about what’s best for her and congratulations on the pregnancy xx