Seriously low day today - sister in law had baby in night and I feel like crap! 😢😢😢

[HopefulAnna]

Hi ladies

Sorry to share this but I'm having one of my lowest days today and can't stop crying. I'm 3 days into Burserillin and the IVF journey and I've woken to the news my sister-in-law had her second baby in the night. I should feel happy but instead I feel sad and jealous and I hate the way I'm feeling. They fell pregnant with their second just as we lost our babies (twins) earlier this year and I've had to watch them get their perfect scans, news it's a girl (when they have a boy already, so perfect one of each) watch her belly grow and all the family talk about it. She's basically gone through all the things I thought I was going to experience this year. It's been hard going but I've tried to keep going with it all in the hope that we would be pregnant before their baby comes. But no, nothing, not in the whole 9-10 months since we lost our babies. I've been doing ovulation kits, ovulation induction drugs, we did a round of IUI in the summer and I've been having acupuncture throughout. On top of watching her pregnancy develop, I've had to be upbeat for several other close friends that all gave birth in Mar/April (all around the same time) and watch them all be off on maternity together plus another 4 friends who announced they were pregnant in the summer. The worst was a wedding abroad I had to attend with all of them there, for days talking about their bumps, growing breasts and cravings whilst I just put on a brave face and smiled with nothing to add to the conversation. Instead I am on the bus to work (in London) when I should be at home with our babies. I've had yet another BFN this morning and doing IVF this month, with no certainty on what the outcome will be?! I just feel so low, like my body is broken and I am not sure I can keep going! Sorry for the rant but I've well and truly lost it emotionally today. Just can't stop crying 😢😢😢

[sipidania]

Oh Anna you poor thing, sending hugs. It is really tough coping with everyone else's happy baby news when going through this process. And no doubt still grieving the loss of your twins as well, that's just heartbreaking. I don't have much in the way of advice but we are all here and we understand how much you must be hurting. All you can do is be kind to yourself and try and give yourself some mental and physical space to allow yourself to focus on you. You've been through a lot already this year, it's not surprising you feel a bit battered. And the drugs don't help on the emotional front either! Take care of yourself xx

[HopefulAnna in reply to sipidania]

Thank you hun... feels like no one really understands except you girls on this forum. I really wish I didn't have to be at work today, need to go home and cry

[NDE1987]

Awww Anna I'm sorry your feeling down. This journey is a horrible one and it's true when you say that you have to put on a brave face around people who are always talking about babies!!!! I Myself have had two failed IUIs and had to go straight to a kids birthday party after finding out our last IUI had failed. Also my sister gave birth in Jan this year and named her baby girl what my husband and I had chosen as a baby name!!! My sister knew this aswell and still chose the name. I guess we just have to grow stronger and focus on the good in our lives.My attitude has changed twoards this whole baby process. Iv been on fab holidays with my husband in our two year of marriage and feel blessed to have made loads of memories with him. I guess what I'm trying to say is that iv chosen to focus on the good in my life than people always asking me when I'm having a baby. I really hope I do get a positive after this ivf treatment. I know I will be crushed it dosent happen but we need to focus on the good in life. Have a treat today to make you happy xxx

[HopefulAnna in reply to NDE1987]

Thanks NDE1987 - seems we are all going through the motions. I cant believe you had to deal with that with the baby name. You wont believe this but I have been worried about the same thing! I stupidly told my sister-in-law (when I was pregnant) the names I had if we had girls and she said she really liked one of them. Since they had the scan and found out it was a girl, have been worried she is going to name her baby the name I shared with her. Waiting to find out the name and hoping she doesn't as they will be the icing on the cake!! I know what you mean and a lot of the time I do think very positively but today, I seem to have lost my way with it all

[MommaBear16]

Anna you don't have to apologise for feeling this way at all. It's not that you're not happy for your sister in law, it's that you're still very much grieving for what you should have had. It is completely natural to feel this way and I absolutely understand it, lots of us here do. I'm so sorry to read about your losses. Just know that you are not alone and don't beat yourself up for feeling this way. You are just as entitled to your tears as they are their joy. Take each day as it comes. I'm sure you will be an amazing auntie to your new niece but don't push yourself too much to be there for them when it's too hard. Take some time for yourself and if you need to keep your distance for a while I am sure they will understand. Sending lots of love to you. Stay strong and take care x x x

[ZessB]

What you say resonates with how I feel most of the time when people around me annonce their BFP or the birth of a baby. It is difficult not to feel sad as it's only natural to feel like it should be your turn, after having fought for this for so long. Infertility and the fight against it is a testing journey that takes us through so many emotions and it can be overwhelming to deal with it all. Don't feel bad for having these feelings of sadness, jealousy, anger... Find a way to free yourself and don't forget to focus on the positives in your life. I know it is really difficult but only you can make each day a happier day; so go out there, find something to do that will make you forget about it all and feel happier, more complete. I hope you soon find peace and don't lose hope, most of us make it into motherhood xx

[HopefulAnna in reply to ZessB]

Thank you honey - yes I do find writing a gratitude list each day (just 3 or 4 things) really helps but some days its hard to see all the good things (or be grateful for them!) when you are surrounded by the fog of your sad emotions. I will try and find a way to turn it around, its just exhausting sometimes! lets hope we all make it to motherhood very soon. Whats your journey been like so far ZessB ? x

[ZessB in reply to HopefulAnna]

Hi, pretty chaotic but I'm still standing haha I have just posted a message on the board xx

[pm27]

Just wanted to send you a reply with lots of good wishes. Unfortunately these feelings and sense of loss seems to be part of the (in)fertility journey. It''s OK to feel rubbish after hearing baby news and pretending all is fine when it''s not. You're grieving your baby losses and potential future as a parent. Be kind to yourself.

[Jaky76]

Xxxxxxx Big hugs xxxxxx

[AmyC71]

Feel for you girl! That is really hard to see that, and even harder not to fall into depths of crippling depression. Best advice I can give, try to distract yourself: concentrate on taste of tea, fallind leaves, smowflakes, try watching action movies with a lot of special effects. Just try to be happy for others, I know, its not easy...

[Hidden in reply to AmyC71]

of course she is happy for them and wouldn't wish ill on them but is sad for herself thinking why not me and its so bloody unfair!

[Hidden]

that's the thing you feel happy for them on one hand but part of you feels its not fair why do they get their baby and I don't and I found myself that I hated the fact I felt like that as well same as you do.

I admit that I had cried when I had found out someone else was pregnant and had felt jealous as well and I hated that I felt like that but its natural to feel that way.

[E8989]

Thinking of you it's so hard but you have hope in IVF please remember that as hard the process is. I had a similar situation happen to me last year I was going through expectant management for our 2nd out of 3 ectopic pregnancy me and my friend feel within a few weeks of eachother and like you had to watch her go through it when I felt like I just didn't want to be here I was so low 😭 you are not alone and I'm wishing you all the best with you cycle xx

[HopefulAnna]

Thanks for your lovely words ladies. As it turns out, I got a positive pregnancy test a few days after my niece was born which was spontaneous. We were just about to embark on IVF and had the medication in the fridge and everything! I didn't tell anyone for ages (I was petrified I'd miscarry again!) but I managed to get through the pregnancy and at 36+4 weeks, my son Leo was born. He's now 12 weeks old and in my arms as I feed him. Every day I feel so lucky to have him, our little miracle after 3 years of trying, a failed IUI and a miscarriage. I often look back on this forum and still follow some people who were on the journey with me at the time. Some have gone quiet and I can only hope/assume they've got lucky too. It's a long shitty journey with so many depressing bumps along the way but I hope my story gives hope to others who are on their journey. Things can change after so long and in flash you can be on a different path. Good luck to everyone and thank you again for all the support last year xxxx

[AllWeNeedIsluv in reply to HopefulAnna]

This is amazing news congratulations hun so happy to read this. 💗🤗😘

[C_L_A_I_R_E]

Amazing news! Love these stories!

Congratulations on your miracle boy! X