secondary infertility deciding when to stop

[Flounder84]

So I’m very lucky to already have the most wonderful child !

We’ve been trying to have another baby for over 2 years. I’ve had failed IUIs and then did a round of IVF where I had x4 embryos at day five which I was told were all ‘good’. Anyway none of them stuck x3 negatives and I had x1 chemical pregnancy.

I thought 100% I was done with it all and have had a couple of months sort of grieving and also managed to think of the benefits of moving on with life etc

BUT now I’m suddenly thinking of doing another round!! I think it’s come about as we’ve recently had a small inheritance and I suddenly thought would I always regret not trying again?! The problem is I am 37 so I don’t know if my odds keep getting worse and worse and so what is the point wouldn’t it have worked by now if it was going to? My AMH is a bit low for my age although there have always been plenty of follicles and they collected 16 eggs last time. I had a hysteroscopy which was all apparently fine and some extra blood tests for ?sticky blood (I can’t quite remember what this was but all the results were fine)

Whilst practically I see no reason really not to just do one more try - but it’s the emotional side I struggle with. I worry when would it ever end - would I feel the same after the next one fails too and end up doing another one?! I actually dread the emotional turmoil of doing more aswell, as it’s just been such a heartbreaking process and I feel like my self esteem is shot by it all and I’ve lost a big part of myself to feeling anxious and low with it all

I have had counselling but I’ve found it just hasn’t solidified how I feel, I still don’t know how I feel or what to do really but it’s like now or never in terms of this decision, so it’s so hard to give myself any further time to decide. I probably want someone to just tell me what to do so the decision is out of my hands and I can either walk away feeling that’s it there’s no point doing more (but that’s not what they said they just said it’s been unlucky essentially as nothing has been found to be wrong)

Thanks for listening if you got this far !

[MammaMia86]

Pufff very difficult....I wonder that myself sometimes....when is going to be enough? I think here you have plenty of examples of other women older than you that were able to get pregnant, so I don't think that it should be your biggest concern....

Have you talked with your partner about this?

[Flounder84 in reply to MammaMia86]

Thanks for your reply. Yes he’s just said he understands and would support me either way as he said he wouldn’t want me to go through more if I really don’t want to but he thinks fine to have another go if I did want to. He’s quite practically minded and I probably wish he did have a slightly stronger opinion on it either way, but he is definitely supportive

[MammaMia86 in reply to Flounder84]

That's nice of him, not be pressuring you one way or another.

Maybe have a break for a few months so you can have some perspective? Not sure if you have to make a decision straight away...but maybe having a break will help you 😘😘

[Positive20]

Gosh Flounder I really don’t know what to say but I also didn’t want to scroll past your post when I can relate to this so much.

Anxious and low are exactly how IVF left me feeling. I too am lucky enough to finally have an IVF transfer that worked but it dam near killed me inside and out carrying on. I have no idea if I could put myself through it again for the exact reasons you are saying now.

So there is no right and wrong decision with this. The main thing is what you are happy to live with. If stopping now will always bother you and cause more anxiety because you wanted to give it one last try then do it. If stopping now is a massive relief where you can shut the door on the constant anxiety of “another round of IVF” then close the door, enjoy your little one and crack on with the most beautiful life because you did it and got the best prize in the world! Good luck with your decision xx

[Flounder84 in reply to Positive20]

Thanks so very much x what you’ve said means a lot and feel abit better with whatever we do decide to do

[Christianbaby]

Absolutely understand how difficult and emotionally draining this journey has been for you. Whatever decision you make, it will be the right one for you and your family. Trust yourself and your instincts. Take one step at a time and know that it's perfectly okay to prioritize your well-being and happiness. You're incredibly strong for coming this far, and no matter what, you've already created a beautiful life. Sending you lots of love and support! x

[Flounder84 in reply to Christianbaby]

Thanks so so much for your kind reply x it definitely resonates to try and trust my instincts

[C-a-t-m-u-m]

I totally understand how difficult it is. I also have a little boy from IVF. Trying for a sibling has destroyed me in so many ways 2 negatives and a MC. I’ve decided to stop for now anyway. It breaks my heart but mentally I can’t carry on. I’m 36 this year so May re look once he starts school I will be 38. But for now I need to stop. It’s so bloody hard! Feel free to msg. Don’t let age put you off though I know ladies past 38 that ivf has worked for xx

[Flounder84 in reply to C-a-t-m-u-m]

So very sorry for your MC and what you’ve been through too. I agree about the mental side. The stress of adding treatment onto everything else this time around has been unreal - because I need to be here for the child I do have and not some shell of a person - it is like I have nothing left at all and worn myself to the ground. Yet I still haven’t 100% drawn the line so my mind won’t let me fully move on.

[Olive12345]

I’m in a similar situation. I’m 38 and have a six year old. I’ve had four natural pregnancies between 2015 and 2021. I’ve had two failed icsi rounds with no blasts on either in 2022 and my last round was April 23. I thought I would do another round but I haven’t booked the appointment…. I haven’t drawn a line under it but also I can’t bring myself to go again…

[Flounder84 in reply to Olive12345]

So sorry you’re in a similar situation and what you’ve been through too. I completely feel the same with what you’ve said that I can’t draw a line but absolutely dread doing any more treatment at the same time.

[MyLittlePinkness]

Hi, it’s so so difficult isn’t it. I was very lucky and got my beautiful little girl who will be 2 in July. IVF was the worst thing I ever went through, it nearly broke me (i never truly understood how hard miscarriages etc were until I’d been through it). I’m in 2 minds about trying for a sibling for my daughter. On the one hand I think she ‘deserves’ one and i don’t think I’m done with babies! I adored the newborn stage! But then i look at her and think do i want to go through ivf again, if it doesn’t work, i’ll be sad and that’s not fair on her, Ivf is a very hard rollercoaster to get off…should i just draw a line under it and say as the other poster did and what i said to my daughter the night she was born….we did it , we made it and here you are in Mammy’s arms…Mama got her ‘little Puddy’, not every Mama gets their ‘Puddy’. I’m also a SMBC so that adds a whole other dimension to it. Good luck in whatever you decide…it’s just so hard 💕

[Flounder84 in reply to MyLittlePinkness]

Thankyou x

describing it as a rollercoaster that’s hard to get off is so true!

So glad you got your little girl and that’s exactly how I felt too - we got here, here you are my little miracle after everything! So I’m almost completely regretting getting back onto the rollercoaster in the first place..

Our little ones will be fine won’t they whatever happens they’re already surrounded by love and the main thing like you say too is them having a well mummy and that’s something I want to take into big consideration too x

[Millbanks]

Hello lovely,

I'm in a very similar situation to you - we have a wonderful 2 year old after 6 transfers (5 x BFN) and then have done 3 FETs to try for a sibling. 2 were negative then this 3rd one seemed like a miracle BFP - we were so shocked and over the moon but at the viability scan just saw an empty sac and am pretty sure I am now miscarring. It's utterly heartbreaking and I also never appreciated how hard a mc was, having only ever had negative tests - to get this far then lose the pregnancy is just so cruel - in a way I would rather have just had another negative.

We still have 2 frozen embryos but my husband and I agreed that we would stop after 3 transfers - whatever the outcome, because IVF takes over everything. The cost implications, the emotional implications, the affect on your relationship and the missed time spent with our actual miracle baby because my mind is buzzing away in the background trying to figure out how to make this next one work....

But now I'm sitting here, having had it all snatched away and wondering if we do try one more time - but I'm also terrified of going through this again. I don't want to, like really don't want to, but then part of me will always wonder.

Much love and solidarity to you xxx

[Flounder84 in reply to Millbanks]

Oh Millbanks I am so sorry lovely, sending you so much love, it’s just unbearably hard xxx will you have another scan soon? Thankyou for your reply to me whilst you’re going through this really worrying time.

The decision of moving on is like the worst mental mind trap that I want to escape but can’t fully. Your solidarity means everything thankyou. the pain and emotional trauma this journey can bring has made me feel so lonely somehow because I also have to keep it mostly inside around my little one. Give yourself time, I will be thinking of you. perhaps it’s a case that we don’t need to make completely hard and fast decisions, maybe time will ultimately tell me what to do. One day we can look back on this and feel very proud of what we tried to do x sending you big hugs

[Millbanks in reply to Flounder84]

Thank you sweetheart - my scan is on Thursday but I just have this gut feeling it's over. The clinic certainly didn't give me any reason to hope for anything else. I feel so empty.

It's so hard isn't it. I know that this feeling will slowly fade, and I'll be ok. But I also know that I will always wonder....

That said - there is a lot of pluses to having just the one child. Travelling for one is a lot easier! Being able to go on holidays and not wrangle 2 kids.... the cost of life in general. I don't know, maybe I'm just trying to convince myself.

I'm so proud of all I've been through - and all you lovely warriors on this platform - we are all part of the worst gang ever but it shapes you as a person and makes you stronger (I think)

xx

[MyLittlePinkness in reply to Millbanks]

Oh yes i think it makes you much stronger, far more empathetic and extremely extremely grateful for the children we have….I see people on here still going through it to just get one child, and my heart breaks for them…💕💕

[Flounder84 in reply to Millbanks]

It is almost too much sometimes to dare to hope during this awful limbo, but sending lots of support your way for Thursday xx you will come through the other side of this whatever the outcome might be - hold on tight to your little one lots of cuddles and love will get you through

[Millbanks in reply to Flounder84]

Thank you - yes that's how I feel - it's easier right now to accept that it's over and prepare myself for another empty sac on Thursday. If by any miracle it's not then I will be overjoyed, but if it is, then I'm ready to know xx

[MyLittlePinkness in reply to Millbanks]

Oh dear, I’m sorry you’re going through the loss right now💕💕 I don’t know what to say to help. I don’t know, I think if I had embryos i would go until I didn’t have any left….but then again you have to look after your mental health knowing you couldn’t have to go through a loss again…i don’t know, it’s all too hard and too unfair…..gove your little miracle extra cuddles tonight 💕💕💕

[Millbanks in reply to MyLittlePinkness]

Thank you lovely - yes I will be cuddling him very tightly. I know I'm so lucky to have him. xx

[Mellia]

Your post resonated with me because I also have been struggling with secondary infertility and failed IVF. I've had 5 failed embryo transfers of which 3 were PGT tested and chromosomally normal. The other two transfers were good quality embryos but untested. I was told by my doctor that it was also "bad luck" and now I'm at another clinic with a specialist in recurrent implantation failure who is exploring possible autoimmune issues and if there is a sperm quality issue with my husband's sperm. There is a DNA fragmentation test that can be done for men that shows what percent of sperm are normal because a high DNA fragmentation can result in poor quality embryos and recurrent miscarriage. Apparently testing if embryo is chromosomally normal doesn't mean quality of embryo is good. I also have autoimmune diseases in my family- but I don't have any known autoimmune issues. We have been on this fertility journey for 4 years with my husband and have an amazing 6 year old little boy that I'm so grateful to have in our lives! It's so hard to know when to stop. At first I told myself three embryo transfers, and then I said I was done after my last and fifth transfer in March. Now my 6 year old is asking for a sibling and it breaks my heart. I plan to see what this new doctor says after all the testing is done because it's my understanding that most couples should have success within 3 transfers. I'm waiting to see if this specialist thinks we should try one more cycle of IVF after looking at our recent labs and sperm fragmentation test. You are younger than I am at 37 and as long as you and your husband are on the same page that's what matters most. Are you both wanting to try again? Are you able to explore other testing prior to proceeding with another transfer? I personally regret using all my embryos without having seen this specialist first. Sending you positive thoughts and strength your way!

[Flounder84 in reply to Mellia]

Really sorry for what you’ve been through and that you find yourself on this journey too x thanks for your advice I really appreciate it and sending the same positive thoughts and strength back to you!

[Barn-owl_lover]

Awe Flounder84, giving you a big big hug! I feel your deep pain.

I am 44, have a 4 year old (conceived naturally) and my husband and I have been trying for a second child for 3 years. I gave birth to my daughter at 39. And after that have had 6 pregnancies (2 chemical, 4 miscarriages between 8-10 weekss), 2 rounds of failed IVF and failed IUIs.

If you want to continue, don't be discouraged by your age. You still have time. BUT, aside from that, my best advice for you in deciding whether to continue or not is as follows: can you go through one more loss? Because of what you have already gone through, this is something that I believe you should consider for your own mental health because as you know, it is a real possibility. It sounds like you have a good therapist and I also believe this is super important.

You are not alone in your journey. Just remember to listen to yourself and what you truly need to heal and move forward in a healthy way. As parents, friends, partners, etc. we often think about everyone else besides ourselves. And this is the time for you to turn inward and give yourself a big hug and take care of you. I really appreciate your post because it too makes me feel not alone in this difficult journey. I had no idea this could be so hard. But through this journey I have become a more empathetic person, fierce protector of my needs and have learned so much about life. You will be ok no matter what the outcome is. Giving you another big hug!

~Barn_owl_lover 💚

[Flounder84 in reply to Barn-owl_lover]

Thankyou so much I really really appreciate what you’ve said and your advice and I think you hit the nail on the head how we prioritise absolutely everything over ourselves. I have felt so alone even with the support of family and friends and your post means everything though I’m so sorry for your losses and what you’ve been through xx sending big hugs back to you

[Barn-owl_lover]

Thank you! We are in this together. Sending you so much love for healing and what the future holds for you.