Feeling so deflated

[Esb27]

Sorry to complain but am just feeling so lost with all this TTC stuff. Been trying now for 5 years and just recovering from my 2nd missed miscarriage (just a sac, no yolk sac or embryo seen). My previous missed miscarriage was the same, didn't get past 5/6 weeks with nothing in the sac. I've also had 3 chemicals and 2 ectopics (one tube removed from one of them).

Whilst i'm grateful to be able to 'get' pregnant it's just the staying pregnant which I seem to have issues with. It just feels like it's not supposed to happen for us. We've had so many tests done (all the usual ones including thyroid, NK cells, blood clotting etc), all of which have come back normal, i've had hysteroscopies, hycosys, a lap to remove a small patch of endo, but we still keep failing. Tried IVF, only two transfers so far, one that ended in a chemical and one failed transfer.

The tissue from this miscarriage is being tested for genetics which am hoping will shed some light in the coming months. I have a very slight septate, which am hoping tommy's will dome out for me in a few months though I think the last pregnancy wasn't implanted in the septate so that can't have been the issue this time at least.

I did take baby aspirin and progesterone with the last successful cycle, and did mean to check my progesterone levels to make sure they were okay when pregnant and on the cyclogest but I was spending so much on train fare going to my appointments I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Next time I will just pay up to triple check that.

I just don't know if this will ever happen, I know you guys won't know the answer but has anyone got a history similar to mine then gone on to have a successful pregnancy? Is there anymore tests I should be doing? Or any I should be repeating in pregnancy (i.e my thyroid is fine but can it change in pregnancy which could cause my body to reject the fetus?)

My partner's sperm is great, though we haven't done DNA fragmentation, very tempted by that next just to make sure it's not an issue on his side. I'm also tempted by a vaginal microbiome test just to check out that, and MAYBE karotyping depending on the POC genetics results. I just worry that it can get SO expensive if you keep having to pay for more and more tests (especially when all you get told is that everything is 'fine').

We just want the one child, but it feels so hard to get there. I'm just really struggling with being told 'everything is okay' and to 'keep trying and it will happen' when all we've ever known is negative experiences.

[Catwind]

in the same boat as you. I’m so tired of being handcuffed to this journey which seems so easy for others. I got pregnant rather unexpectedly but I think I’m going to have a 3rd miscarriage. I’m just trying to think about what I DO have and that’s my amazing partner. And trying to think of everything else as a bonus. It is hard because as I write this and anticipate my third pregnancy ending, I’m near tears. But I’m telling myself that other than not being able to have a baby I have a good life, wonderful opportunities and so much other going for me. I try to think of things I was able to do because my earlier pregnancies didn’t work out and it helps.

Wishing you well, wishing you the best life ever.

[Esb27 in reply to Catwind]

It’s a really hard journey isn’t it. I’ve been trying to focus on what I do have too, like you I have a very strong relationship. I know not a lot of people have that, if they have lots of kids or no kids.

I really hope you’re not about to have your 3rd miscarriage though, that’s so tough what makes you think it’s happening again?

[Catwind in reply to Esb27]

Well I had symptoms as of yesterday morning then throughout the day noticed they decreased a lot. That’s what happened with pregnancy #2. I don’t have any bleeding but god knows…

[Esb27 in reply to Catwind]

Ah I hope it’s not the same. I have heard of people losing symptoms and it’s fine, but then it can also mean the worst too. I hate how it could be either. So scary. Are you going to try to get a 6 /7 week scan to put you out your misery (or confirm things are fine)? Wishing you all the luck!!

[Catwind in reply to Esb27]

Tbh I just didn’t want to get anything done…because ignorance is bliss but I feel I will need to now.

[Esb27 in reply to Catwind]

I thought that last time but honestly prolonging it is worse (well for me anyways)

[GreenSummer]

Hey @Esb27 reading your story really resonates with me! I’m so sorry for your losses and that your feeling deflated. And I’m sorry no success story here either but our journey sounds the same! Me and my husband have been trying for 9 years now. Both fit and. Healthy all the tests you have mentioned I have had done 2/3 times over the years. Same ops for investigation 2 lap surgeries to remove. Endo. And I have been pregnant 5 time times all resulting in early miscarriages 1 MMC at 12 weeks (saw the baby’s heartbeat at 9 weeks but stoped growing shortly after)

And if I’m honest that one broke me into a million pieces and I gave up for a few years but se were only getting older I agreed to try IVF as I know my husband is still desperate for a child and it brakes my heart I can’t do that for him. Our first FTE just failed we have one frozen still so will try that one. But then I’m feeling exactly the same as you deflated! I feel I don’t want to keep pushing something that’s not supposed to be although I know my self and my husband would just be the most amazing parent’s maybe that’s just not our path. And I’m so ready after 9 years of what feels just like Catwind said being handcuffed to this horrible journey, to just move past it and try focusing on the next stage of my life and trying to look at the world differently so I can start enjoying it again. I don’t know how much if any more I can take on this TTC emotional rollercoaster. X

[Esb27 in reply to GreenSummer]

It’s heartbreaking isn’t it sorry you’re on a similar path. I just don’t understand why we can’t seem to carry properly!

It’s a real tricky one as well as I don’t feel like I can comfortably stop and be happy with that decision but it’s hard to imagine going on for another 5 years sometimes.

Would you ever do donor eggs or surrogacy? A girl I follow on Instagram kept having ivf failures and miscarriages with her own eggs but so far she’s got the furthest she’s ever got with a donor egg (I think she has used her husband’s sperm). So I guess not biologically hers but she did carry, which I think would be cheaper than surrogacy.

I really hope this final little frozen embryo works for you, but I also totally understand the feeling of not being hopeful or positive as it’s hard to be like that after so many issues x

[Endofitall]

I am so sorry. I would definitely look at sperm dna fragmentation before you go down the donor route. Also have you been to Siobhan Quenby/Jan Brosens and had the endometrial biopsy done (Warwick uni?)?

I have been told aspirin can affect implantation process so I’m on clexane (and progesterone and pred) until established pregnancy. Early losses and recurrent implantation failure seem to have a lot of the same issues at heart.

We’ve had every test going through a long IVF journey. Karyotypes, microbiome, you name it. I have cardiolipin (Antiphospholipid) antibodies as well as High cytotoxic NK cells in endometrial biopsy. I have just had severe endo removed at lap and we’ve finally fallen pregnant for first time ever TTC naturally post op. But my HCGs are low and slow so very worried 6 week scan in a few days will show non viable/ectopic.

It’s a tough journey. You have to feel you’ve done everything you’re able and willing. No regrets. Best of luck. X

[Esb27 in reply to Endofitall]

Oh yeah I doubt we'll do donor eggs but some people are happy to try. Yeah i've seen Brosens and had the biopsy, all came back okay. He did my progesterone too, which was done day 20 in the end, and it came back to show i'd ovulated (30+) but wasn't that high (only 31.9). I also tested my progesterone with proov tests and it never got very high. That's why this last (failed) pregnancy I started cyclogest at 3/4dpo, which helped me conceive, but obviously it wasn't meant to be.

I had heard that about aspirin, which is why I started it when I got my first positive test, not any earlier. Are you on clexane for your high NK cells? or instead of aspirin? I'm not with a private clinic so never been offered clexane.

Congrats on the pregnancy, really hope you have a successful 6 week scan🤞 my experiences of an ectopic was actually super high HCG numbers early on, so hopefully if yours a slow growers it won't be that at least. Got all my fingers crossed for you x

[Endofitall]

so the clexane is for the Antiphospholipid antibodies. Good idea not to start aspirin til later. My dr doesn’t seem keen on it at all. I don’t know if I’d find if I ever get to antenatal care whether they would want me on aspirin.

My progesterone never very high either (think was 28 with Brosens) but gets over 40 with pessaries .

I’m a nervous wreck tbh but that helps a bit thanks xx

[Chel91]

So sorry you are struggling. It's so incredibly difficult to go through this! I have a similar history, early miscarriage, multiple chemicals. I have learned that yes thyroid can go wacky after pregnancy so good to get that repeated.

There can also be such a thing as Obstetric APS (which I have), so blood thinners are advised the whole pregnancy. It's a huge blood panel I had repeated every month, but the solution is just low dose aspirin + clexane, which many ladies take just in case anyway. I feel like there are blood clotting issues that aren't picked up on a lot of times due to timing of tests and also genetic factors.

Also, progesterone can go wacky after BFP so good to get that checked. Or injectables are much more stable. I've had mine tank from super high with no change in dose. I was getting that tested weekly. Can be rare but some ladies struggle with making enough estradiol too so you can also get that checked.

There are obviously more immune panels, but yes they are pricey. Steroids and such are often given for those.

Vaginal microbiome might be helpful. Antibiotics / checking for infection is a really important part and one that I feel gets overlooked. I did a month or so of antibiotics before my transfer xx