Hi everyone. This morning we had a follow up following our failed 5th FET and the consultant politely said it might be time to look at DE. I kinda knew this was coming as we have done 8 natural modified cycles obtained 6 embryos had 5 transfers in total.
3 BFN 1 chemical and 1MMC with twins at 9 weeks. On paper all embryos that have been transferred have been good to top quality. We have done ICSI and used embryo glue had endometrial scratch had extra progesterone support and steroids and also down regulated before the FET. So I feel like we have done everything we can and have run out of new things to do now. Is it worth chasing this thought of using OE at 41 with endometrioma cyst on Left Ovary. The doctor said there is a 10-15% chance of success. So do I now give up and move onto DE journey. My OH is happy with going down the DE route and my brain is happy to and I think deep down it is the right thing to do but my heart feels heavy and I feel a bit like a failure. Has anyone else felt like this in the beginning? I feel quite sad but equally I feel like while I’m still 41 with regular cycles and good lining it maybe better for a healthy pregnancy to try DE now than keep trying with OE and more time passing by? To the ladies who have been in a similar position how did you feel when you had to change journeys and use DE? Sorry for my rambling I hope it makes sense 😣 Thank you xx
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Nane22
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I'm also 41 and we've started going down the DE route. I have all the same feelings! I think moving to DE brings so much renewed hope, but there's grief also. We've done 3 cycles of IVF with my eggs, 6 transfers - 2 miscarriages and 4 BFNs. No diagnosis anywhere other than age-related poor egg quality it seems. I can totally relate to feeling like you don't want to give up on your own eggs - I get great numbers (15-20 eggs per collection), so I know there's a chance of success if I go again, but it could take a while, if it happens at all.
Ultimately, for me, it comes down to - is it about passing on your genetics, or is it about bringing home a baby? I remind myself of my goal - to be a mum - whenever I have a wobble. It's not easy, and I think we'll always grieve the loss of my genetics in some way or other, but starting to look at donors really helped give us hope again after so much heartbreak. I recommend DefiningMum on instagram if you don't already follow her
Thank you so much for your msg.. When we were discussing this morning that was exactly the same thoughts of do we want a healthy baby or are the genetics more important, and without a doubt bringing home a baby is what we want more. But then there is that feeling of loosing your genetics and I’m hoping that as we move through this journey those feelings will become less and less.
I’m now looking at clinic options UK vs Abroad. Are you using UK or abroad clinic for your DE? This is all new, I have no idea how it all works so I’m back to researching online.
I really hope this is your time to become a lovely mum 🥰 pls let me know how you get on xx
We are going with a UK clinic with a frozen egg bank - I think it'll end up costing a lot more than it would going abroad! But I like that the donors are altruistic, and them being UK-based gives any future child a greater chance to find and meet them should they wish to.
It's a lot to process! We're probably only a couple of months ahead of you, we've just started with the new clinic and chose our donor last week. It felt so exciting finding a profile who sounded like me, both physically and in terms of interests and personality, and I felt a huge wave of gratitude towards this woman for doing such an amazing, selfless thing! I think the grief will always be there (especially with all we've been through with our own eggs!), but like you say it should lessen, and we'll grow around it.
Wishing you all the luck in the world - keep me posted too! Xx
Thankyou for mentioning Defining Mum. I’m about to fly off for transfer 5 double donor. I was feeling fed up, here we go again, de ja vu…. Now I’m looking forward to listening to and reading some podcasts and posts on the journey and in the 2ww! Also your comment of what’s your goal really hit me! YES my goal is to be a mum and for me it’s very important for me to carry a baby.
In my case DE has been in my mind since my very first OE cycle at 37. When it failed one consultant said that if it was an egg quality we can't do anything about it, other than donor treatment. Over the following failures I started to realise that it is a very real possibility for us but it still took us a total 5 OE full cycles to finally decide it. Just before we contacted the clinic I had some really low moments of feeling a failure, excluded really bad about myself.It took a few good cries, talks with my partner, and a counselling session. I also felt I needed time off work. Unfortunately I didn't take it but I think a few days switching any demands off and just letting myself be would have helped a lot.
We have now started the process abroad and waiting from the clinic to match me with a donor. There are moments where the uncertainty of the treatment, the complexities of having a donor child make me worry so much but still feel it's was the right way forward for me.
Hi there I can understand I was also in a similar position at that age where my first clinic suggested DE but I wasn’t mentally ready so we changed clinics and spent almost 3 years with them banking embryos and having transfers. Despite getting great quality embryos none of them gave us a live birth. So now we have used all our frozen embryos rather than keep banking embryos knowing our chances are slim I am know getting my head around moving down the DE path. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I was feeling guilty to feel a bit down and upset but I feel like this is going to be the next way forward and like you it feels a bit scary but hopefully next year will be our year. Xx
Hi! I went through everything you are going through and I sooo feel you. Went through DE. Everything changes though when you hold that baby in your arms. I wish you well and am hoping for the best for you. xx
You are welcome. Post an update if you do go through with your DE. I had 2 failed attempts in the Uk and we decided to fly to Cyprus for another round and it was successful there. You might also want to look at the "doing it abroad" route. xx
Thank you and congratulations! I will definitely update once we start and have our clinic selected 😊 and yes I think more than likely we will go down the “abroad” route xx
Hi, I am on the DE route abroad, about to fly off for transfer number 5. I’ve only tried once a few years ago with OE - 3 eggs, 3 embryos, double transfer, BFN.
My decision to go DE route was very easy tbh. I could only be accepted on the refund programme with DE so I just jumped straight in and went for it.
Feel free to pm me about clinics etc. I’m 💯 happy with mine and so so glad I chose them. I did LOTS of research to make my decision. I’m a spreadsheet geek so I went about it as a process of information gathering and methods of elimination 😂😂🙈🙈 x
I am sorry for your difficult fertility road Nane. I had a baby with my own eggs at 42 and a second one at 44 with own eggs Fet. This came out after 7 years trying to conceive at uk spain and italy (i am Italian and live in london). My uk clinic sadly was just a corporate money seeking no emotional machine. I found solution in greece where i find an amazing clinic day to night with what i knew until then…
However the story you are saying it looks to me as your uk clinic has did a good job with you (unexpected for me as uk clinics often works with a one plan fits all approach) .
I recommend you the clinic i used in greece if you like with pm. But the most important i would like you to know is that if you go with Deggs do NOT use frozen eggs ! I know alot of stories with frozen eggs coming from ukraine, egg banks there providing more tha 20% of the eggs sold in europe( cyprus uk spain ) every egg bank in europe works with the egg banks in ukraine ! The problem on this is not only ethical but also the quality of testing and the fake results they sign to sell the eggs in european egg banks ! I know 3 couples who end up badly after using cheap frozen eggs. I would recommend a fresh donor cycle when you are ready to move on this until then you may try a prp before cycle….
Hi Claudia aww congratulations on your two beautiful babies xx
That is really helpful to know about the frozen eggs. It’s really hard to know what’s right and which clinic is ethical and not just after your money too. I’ll PM you if that’s ok xx
I hope you don’t mind me sending you a message. I saw your reply to the post and it gave me a little bit of hope.
What a happy ending for you to have two little miracles and for fighting for so long, very inspirational, it brought a tear to my eye.
I too am at a crossroads and trying to decide whether to give up on having a baby with my own eggs, this is fuelled by the fact that I in the very raw state of having just had a cycle fail, took my test this Morning BFN.
However deep down, I know I feel like whilst I still have eggs maybe I should go a little longer. My AMH is 12, so still reasonable. I was pregnant as recently as April this year, which was natural, it was a missed Miscarriage, no heartbeat at 7 week scan.
I also gave birth to my beautiful angel boy last June 2022 at 42 years old, he was born sleeping just before 20 weeks, he had Down’s syndrome. He was born from our first Ivf which worked although the story didn’t have a happy ending.
I then had a chemical natural pregnancy 2 months After he was born. And 3 failed ivfe since that.
So I know I can be pregnant but of course probably the quality of my eggs isnt great, plus I’ve had fibroid surgery plus my partner doesn’t have amazing sperm.
I wanted to reach out to ask what tipped you over the line to keep going after 7 years of trying,? I am struggling after 2 years and multiple losses.
I also wanted to ask if you don’t mind sharing, what did the clinic in Greece do differently, if anything?? I am struggling as to what else could be changed.
This latest cycle was in Cyprus and they have seemed pretty good but I just don’t if anything has. Been drastically different to our cycles in the uk aside from more drugs post transfer.
Any thoughts you could share, I would Be so grateful.
Hello Nane, I'm so sorry you've been through so much. We're going through our DE journey at the moment. We've been through all the tests and appointments and now waiting to start treatment and transfer after Christmas. It wasn't an easy decision to get here, at first I completely rejected the idea.
We had 2 rounds of treatment, one produced 2 eggs that didn't fertilise and the 2nd didn't produce any eggs.
We found a new clinic, who I couldn't recommend enough. We were told that dome people just don't respond well to IVF meds and that although we could try again with OE and different meds, there was a high chance of the same outcome.
We went through the counselling for DE treatment and the nurses and donor team have been really supportive and helpful.
They found a donor for us quite quickly, I think we were just really lucky and when I read the letter from the donor, I knew we were doing the right thing. All we want is to be parents and even though it is sad that they won't have any of my genetics, our baby will be loved so much.
If you want more information, please feel free to DM me.
Aw bless I can totally understand. I remember when the doctor told me about DE eggs few years ago I wasn’t ready to accept it. But I think after doing another 4 transfers I am ready to go down this route now. Sometimes you have to try everything to know you’ve done your absolute best with your OE before moving on to DE.
Sounds really exciting and that’s lovely that the donor wrote a letter. I will PM you if that’s ok. I wish you all the best and hopefully next year you’ll bring home your beautiful baby xx
After 2 failed ICSI with OE ( I was 35yrs & 37yrs) we moved onto DE. It wasn't an easy decision and took me a while to take the leap. We use a great clinic in Spain, however we've had 2 failed DE cycles. We have 3 embryos left, I've decided to do more blood tests before the next transfer. I'm actually doing the blood test today. It is a grieving process when shifting from OE to DE. ( for me it was), but we really want to have a baby and I know that's my most viable option to make that come true. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner as I'm 45yrs old now. Good luck on your journey x
Aw I’m sorry to hear of your journey. It’s not easy but I am sure you’re a strong person for getting through all of that. I can relate to the difficulties of this journey too.
Have they checked your progesterone levels? That made a big difference for me. Also maybe worth doing a thrombophillia check to see if you need extra blood thinners during the tww. I also took steroids to reduce any inflammation and suppress the immune system.
Yes I think bringing home a baby is number one goal and that little bit of grief of loosing OE is niggling away but I keep reminding myself of the goal. Thank you and I have everything crossed for you and hopefully will hear some good news from you xx
I'm just gearing up to start a donor cycle. The grief around the genetic link is a complex one. I've sort of become the default family historian and archivist and that has complicated my feeling further (I've decided if the donor is successful someone else will have to take on the archive for example) my half sister is our donor so there will be a link to my mum's side but my father past away a few years ago and it hurts there will be no connection to him. I like to plan so if this round isn't successful then we all be going to Spain.
But the point I keep coming back to is. I know I will love our child completely, the donor element is just part of their story, its grief for my Dad that makes it harder.
The reality is it's not working using my eggs, my numbers have always been so low. I know my dad would want me to be a mum, if he was here he would understand and support us.
Hi PapillionBlue. Firstly I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. I also lost my father too so I can understand that feeling too. It’s not easy but as you said he would want you to be a mum above everything else.
I hope this new journey is a success for you. ❤️ Have you looked into any clinics in Spain yet? Or are you thinking to wait and see how it goes here first? If you have any Spain clinic recommendations that would be really helpful. If you could PM me that would be super. I really wish you all the best and hopefully there will be good news soon! Xx
wishing you the best! It took us 8 years before we were okay to us DE. After 3 failed IVF, the last one was in 2015, they told us that our only hope was to try DE. At the time I couldn’t do it… fast forward 8 years later, we are ready to us DE. Unfortunately now, I’m unable to carry the baby, another blow. So now we’re are at the stage of DE and surrogate !!! I wish we didn’t wait so long! 1st IVF, with DE, we purchased 6 eggs, 4 fertilized, only 1 tested normal (3AB). We transferred that one and got a bfp!!! Unfortunately she miscarried at 6 weeks. Trying again with a new DE, purchased 10, 6 made it to day 5/6 (2-3ABs, 1-4AA, 1-3AA, and 2-3-BBs). We are currently waiting on testing of these!
Picking a donor was hard at 1st, I’m over 6 feet, so I wanted someone tall and of course looks somewhat like me. Thankfully we did, so now just waiting!
Hang in there! Don’t give up! If you have to use a donor, You will be that baby’s mum!!! And a very good one too!
Hi aw thank you 😊 Wow I admire your determination and strength! 6 blastocysts is amazing and they all have great grading.. I really hope you get another chance with your surrogate and make a beautiful family 🥰
Can I ask if you’re doing treatment in Uk or abroad? If it’s easier you can PM me 😊
Thank you for your kind words I feel like I’m getting my head around it all in the last few days but it’s a lot to take in..I definitely want to keep going full steam ahead.. I feel like if I stop then I might get down about it all and get myself into a hole. I’ve been there before.. so I want to just keep the momentum going and fingers crossed we get there xx
initially I was against DE and really wanted to use OE. However it is partly a numbers and money issue. How long do you continue and how many rounds can you afford! After 3-4 years of trying and getting ever older, we realised that being parents was more important. We were considering adoption and thought if we were thinking about that then made our peace with DE as we would have my partners genetics and I would carry so we would both be connected to the baby. Also have a look at epigenetics, as you will influence the development of the baby in utero. After our 1st round with DE we had our first ever BFP with a fresh transfer and currently 12 weeks 🤞🤞(also have 2 more embryos on ice)
Ohhh wow congratulations! I’m so happy for you! 😊😊
I’ve definitely come around now to the DE journey. I’m just in the process of having some initial consultations and filling forms out etc. and hoping that one of them I’ll get a good feel for. We are in the same boat spent 4 years trying with ivf and spent a whole amount of money so no point in trying the same things that clearly haven’t worked so onto our DE journey we go. I’m feeling hopeful and just praying I’m like you and have a bfp on our first round.
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