So I am 42, as some of you know we had one MC before starting ivf which was our only bfp in about two years of trying. ‘Unexplained’ infertility. Good numbers of eggs left. We’ve done 3 ivf rounds. They’ve had difficulty getting to my left ovary each time. Didn’t manage it on round one - 3 eggs 2x2 day transfer BFN. Cycle 2 - 13 eggs, 7 fertilised, 3 made it to blasto. 3 transferred day 5. BFP but lost it at 9 weeks. Cycle 3 - 10 eggs but only 6 mature, 3 fertilised and transferred on day 3. OTD is Monday but full flooding AF and BFNs since Tuesday. (First cycle also started bleeding week before OTD)
I am starting to seriously think about donor eggs. I don’t know if it’s too early to do that given I have managed two BFPs in 4 years but lost them both... I am 42 for heavens sake.. I may have lots of eggs but surely the above suggests quality isn’t great!?
Anyway I tried to talk to OH about it yesterday and he just shut it down. He said whilst he really wants children there is a line he’s not prepared to cross and basically if it’s not meant to be it’s not meant to be and we have a great life and could continue to have a great life without kids.
I am not 100% sure it’s actually a no (believe it or not!) I just think he’s some way behind me in terms of reality and still has optimism it will happen for us eventually especially as we’ve managed the BFPs before. I am the opposite! I’ve given up!
How did you start the ED discussion with your partners? I’m not sure if this reaction is normal and then they come round to it. Any tips as to how to deal with this? I know a lot of you out there have been in a similar position. Thanks so much xx
I've not had this discussion with OH but when I tried to discuss adoption he shut down and refused to discuss it. After our first round failed we started fertility counselling which I found invaluable in terms of openly discussing a whole host of issues and where our red lines were. We have both benefitted immensely and have carried it on as some issues are so difficult you do need a third party to steer it and ask the questions you sometimes are too scared to say/ask.
Wishing you lots of luck whatever you decide to do xx
Thanks - thats really interesting, maybe being so zen helped contribute with your BFP too! I have been trying to talk to him more about everything as my counsellor suggested I am not asking for help enough / explaining my emotions enough.. but as he said last night he is a practical person who files things away and deals with them if he really has to. Maybe its just a time thing. I would love to do joint counselling but I just don't know how I would get him there! Good luck for the next few weeks xx
It certainly helped improve our relationship and communication and cannot advocate it enough but fully appreciate it's tough to persuade someone who does not want to go. Tbh I didn't give my husband much choice and made it clear if we were going to get through this we needed to do it together. Everything at the moment will be raw so give it some time before deciding your next steps xx
Hi Daisy1245, sorry to hear your other half is not on the same page...yet. We were recently told DEs were our best chance. The shock of being told sent me into a bit of a meltdown tbh. My hubby had never seen me so upset and hopeless. So when he saw me feeling more positive about the use of DE, he was just pleased to see me happier. He did shut down a bit about it though. He's not really a talker, so I could tell when I was going on about it too much and he just needed to be left alone and not talked at. Perhaps your hubby just needs a bit of time to think about it? Could you always ask him to go along to a consultation "just to see what it's all about, even if it is just to discount the idea" - go in with that angle? I can also echo what HollieW said about counselling being helpful, if you can get him to go. It proved invaluable to us, and was actually so nice to hear my hubby's thoughts about it all. It gave us a lot to think about and work through together. Good luck with your conversations and persuading xx
Thanks so much for replying - our OHs sound similar- mine is terribly practical and does not do emotions! I think in all probability our consultant will suggest DE at our follow up appt as he has mentioned it before but always said ‘not quite yet’ perhaps that will as per your experience make a difference with OH. I think the reality will probably trigger a similar reaction for me as you, it was never supposed to be like this, we were just supposed to get our bfp without even trying!? Wishing you masses of luck for this cycle - can’t wait to hear about your bfp xx
It was a process of elimination for us and going with the option that had the higher success rates for the money we had available. 7 losses with my own eggs from 36-39, and 1 loss at 40 from DE, new Donor and a few procedures later and currently 35wks!
Hubby was happy as long as I was. I did feel like I grieved for not being able to use my own eggs and occasionally I still think about it, but fully accept it all now and very happy to be in the position I am, although still can't fully accept it is happening after 7 previous losses.
At the time you think, oh i'll never need that option, but as reality gets closer and funds get tighter you then begin to think of options you never thought you would, both of you really. So i'm sure if needed, your hubby would come round to it. I'm quite persistent so just kept saying it was an option that needed to be discussed! Good luck with what ever path you choose. I'm currently 41! Xx
Thanks so much, sounds like we are very similar but whoop congrats on your very imminent baby! How very exciting for you! Gosh hope he/she pops out in and hour and sleeps through the night!!
I think you are right I think he is in denial at the moment but persistence should work - thank you for the inspiration and good luck xx
Congratulations on your pregnancy success. If it’s ok to ask, can you advise which clinic you used for donor eggs? We’re currently looking into this as our next option.
Hi Daisy1245, I’m in the same boat as you. I’m 39, got severe endometriosis, fibroids, SLE and RA. Had 3 failed ivf, 2 cycles my left ovary was inaccessible. All 3 cycles, I had day 3 transfer and the rest of my embryos never made it to day 5. Hubby and I, are thinking DE. But I’m not too sure about it. Are you thinking about doing the DE abroad or here in Uk(hope you don’t mind me asking)?
I am so sorry I don’t know what SLE and RA are but I do have terrible fibroids.. my womb is ‘half moon’ shape as one huge one squashes it but the risk of another fibroid op (I had a full myomectomy 10 years ago) risks more than not doing it. I am sorry about your endo, my sister had terrible endo and had to have a lap and cyst drain between each ivf cycle but she did eventually get her bfp and my nephew is 10 months old.. her endo is 100000 times better since she gave birth and even her squished tubes look like they’ve opened up again
Sounds like we’ve had really similar experiences and I am so sorry you’ve been through it too, I really genuinely thought ivf was a cure to my infertility and never ever EVER thought I would need a donor. I am genuinely not sure what I feel about it either - I sort of can’t believe it’s me, I got pregnant without trying three years ago!? How am I at this point!? It was a blighted ovum which suggests egg quality issues even back then ...
Anyway my clinic has said they don’t do donor and they suggested I look abroad. It just seems such a massive thing, getting my OH onboard, dealing with it in my head, finding a clinic, dealing with the whole process, wow its epic!? Happy to PM if you would rather not share this all publicly - where are you in terms of investigating? xx
So when I thought I may need donor eggs, I was really open and honest with my husband. He was really happy to do anything that I was comfortable with and wouldn’t upset me. Having said that, he literally said along the same lines that he married me for me and not for kids. He’s quite sensitive and a talker to just help me navigate this whole period. So it’s a tricky one with one more practical (not necessarily a bad thing at all!).
It would be you I would imagine emotionally having the most hardship (not to dull down your OHs feelings) I just mean I would personally think. But you would absolutely still be a family and it would be your child, that’s the way I look at it. I think counselling is a great idea, but it’s a big step and I think for OHs can take a lot of getting used to and accepting the verbal and emotional help.
You two sound great at communicating, as you say maybe you need to be more open and honest and straightforward with how you feel and what you want to do next. It’s so hard and confusing with your BFPs, I am thinking of you and your difficult times. X x x x
Thanks so much for your reply - you two sound like a great unit too. I think you are right it’s about constant communication, I am sure our next follow up appointment may stimulate some debate!
Thanks Hun! I think I may test tonight or tomorrow (14 days after trigger and 8dp5dt) I’m getting some stomach cramps and just want to know either way by starting to test at least. Yeh defo it’ll give you the boost to talk maybe. After our appointment when I was told we’d need to consider using donor eggs if this one didnt yield any eggs, we went for a meal and a few drinks just to relax ourselves and for me to try and digest and accept what they’d said. It’s so hard isn’t it, I really feel for you. We’ve been together 14 years and known each other for 17 years so I think it’s getting really the right balance!! Thinking of you loads. X x x x
Thanks for thinking of me, we are heading into London for a meal out and going to the theatre and a 🍷 so really looking forward to that and taking my mind off this ttc lark! Masses of luck for testing - cramping is a really good sign and I had loads with my last bfp. 🤞🏻🤞🏻for you - keep us updated! xx
Aww good for you two! Made up to hear that, I hope you guys have the loviest time. Honestly you both deserve it so much, especially you. Just try to get back to you two and try to put this to the back of your mind - easier said than done - but he loves and adores you, kids or donor eggs or not. You have a fab time.
I had absolutely loads of cramps today! I was really nervous because I don’t know if it’s good or not, never had it. Thank you darling I hope so. Xx
We started our TTC journey in February 2013 and IVF in December 2014.
Over the years, after we had numerous rounds (3 fresh and 1 frozen), 2 IVF miscarriages and then realising from that experience that there had been 2 previously, we asked the consultant to be straight with us on what the chances really were with my eggs...10% vs DE 50%, but he did add that miscarriage could still happen..
I’ve got endometriosis, had low AMH for my age and hubby’s side of things were ok, not brilliant.
I think hubby had always thought our next route would be adoption, maybe he didn’t want to suggest using someone else’s eggs, as it might have offended me. In my head it was quite clear, I know there are a lot of children looking for adoption, but by using an egg donor, I would still know and be able to control and provide our baby with the best start whilst inside my body.
It would be interesting to get into your OH’s head to know why he feels that way...but as you say different people take different times. Maybe he’s looked at costs and thought it’s too expensive?
I think if anything, it’s the female that has to come to terms with a different route of getting to the next stage.
Did I want to keep trying with my eggs just incase? Yes!
Do we have a bottomless pit of money to keep ‘throwing away’? No!
A consultant once said to us at one of the fertility shows just from having a brief chat about our history, some couples genes just don’t work together to produce a successful baby, you have to think about the most effective way to get your baby without destroying your marriage under the stress you go through and bankrupting yourself....I think this was a stage when my hubby started to think differently.
I remember somebody on this forum also mentioned why is having a donor egg any different to a donor kidney or another part of the body when it’s not working properly? Another good way to think about it.
In your head, you do think, will I struggle knowing it’s not my egg, but as soon as you have a donor you are invested in them emotionally to help get your miracle dream. You become protective and as worried at egg collection and receiving the day progress calls.
You connect with the embryo photo on transfer day and you long for success during the 2WW.
We had 11 eggs collected and only 1 to transfer and none to freeze, so even then it’s a rollercoaster.
I’m guessing your OH has had various tests too, as they were reporting earlier in the year that sperm issues can also be the cause of miscarriages. The Sperm Comet DNA is a good one to look into things more than a normal test would do.
We used Access Fertility and did a 3 rounds % refund package. If worst case scenario, there was no live birth after the fresh rounds and all frozen, then you knew there would be some money coming back.
It’s tough, you both have to be on the same page. I’m sure you will get there eventually.
Thanks so much for your comprehensive response - that all makes soooo much sense. I think our next follow up will be quite telling and might start more discussions. I am so thrilled to hear yours has worked and all going well and wish you masses of luck for the next two trimesters. Sounds like you really deserved some good news xx
From asking our original clinic about DE, we had a break from treatment, not really linked to needing time to think about it, but due to a house extension and close family bereavement/illnesses.
Good luck with your follow up, hope it helps you both find your new path x
I was 39 when we started trying for a baby so we both knew it was going to be a long shot from the start. We had 4 miscarriages over the next two years, had NHS recurrent miscarriage tests (unexplained - they never explicitly said it was my age, which I think would have saved us a lot of time and heartbreak ) and had 1 round of OE ivf after finding that my AMH and AFC were still good for my age. The poor results from the OE treatment left us in no doubt that DE was the only real possibility left for us. Both my husband and I are reasonably pragmatic, and decided that if this is the way we are meant to have a child, then so be it. Obviously I had feelings of grief about not having my own biological child, but also I don't think I had realised how much the miscarriages had drained me so much of hope and DE offered us another chance.
Starting DE treatment was so much more positive than I had hoped. I was very worried that I would read the donor profiles and not find anyone that sounded suitable, so I was very emotional when I read the lovely profiles and messages to a future child, and we have been so happy with the two donors that we eventually chose. Our first cycle was not successful, which left me doubting my own ability to conceive however I am now 20 weeks pregnant after the second round and am still utterly amazed that my body is finally working as it should.
Thank you so much for sharing, it’s all so interesting and seemingly quite similar to us. I have so many emotions in my head about donor eggs but can see that it’s very normal and it’s something that clearly can be super successful. Many many congrats on your pregnancy so thrilled for you. This has really helped clarify a few things in my head thank you xx
Really happy to have helped, it is such a tough decision to have to face. The Donor Conception Network website also really helped me in making it seem 'normal'.
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