Not sure how I feel

[Beingamum23]

My daughter has reached the point where she feels she cannot stay on her IVF journey. Aged almost 41, single and 3 failed attemps have drained her emotionally and taken a toll physically. Her life has been on hold for 2 years, she has become spiky, difficult to talk to and I’m sad to say a little ‘bitter’

I’m feeling sad for myself and worried for her and I dont know how comfort her or advise her. This must be her call i I know that, but she is totally being ruled by statistics - too old - more chance of a disabled child etc Do I just watch and wait?

[XOXO13]

I couldn’t read and pass by so I just wanted to say that you sound like a really caring and supportive mum to your daughter 🫶🏻

IVF is so exhausting, it takes so much of your physical and mental strength. She may need a break, and that’s okay to have one too whilst she re-learns to find joy in her life outside of IVF. Has she ever mentioned taking a break vs stopping? Or explore new avenues I.E., new clinic, tests, donor? None of it is easy, every decision is difficult and if she’s made her mind up about not going through any more IVF, then she may just need support to help her navigate this next step as it is a big decision and I'm sure one of the most difficult decisions she’ll ever make xx

[LadybirdLulu]

If you have wanted a child and imagined spending 20+ years of your life with them as your beautiful companion it can be terrifying to think you are instead going to spend those 20 years alone and without that love and family. You can almost lose purpose and start to wonder why you should carry on in this world. I guess this is what your daughter may be feeling. She may have lost all hope. I absolutely understand because that is how I feel sometimes through this process. For me what helped was to put a plan B in place. To decide that if IVF doesn't work out by the time I am 42 I will meet my beautiful future child through adoption. They will need support for the losses they have experienced and I will be well prepared to support them with my learning through the losses I've experienced in IVF. Perhaps you can help your daughter put a plan B in place. Or suggest she try counselling or therapy. Please don't do nothing. Please act. Half of IVF patients experience suicidal thoughts (unfortunately I am one of them. Here is an article: telegraph.co.uk/news/2022/1... and these kind of signs should be taken seriously ❤️❤️❤️

[Sunshine809]

I completely agree with what Ladybird said. You could suggest that it's not the end of the road and there are other options - donor eggs, donor embryos, adoption. Maybe give her some information to look at when she's ready. You could suggest she try counselling. And most of all just let her know that you're there for her with no judgement.

I'm definitely very bitter now and I 'hate' mothers, children, pregnant people, couples on tv shows with young children.... It's just natural because there is so much anger and it's hard to know what to do with it all.

I found hitting 40 very difficult to deal with as well. It's another big milestone in fertility terms. And if she's single as well I suspect she's mourning for the life she thought she would have. Other posts have mentioned the book Living the Life Unexpected - Jody Day as being very helpful. Perhaps you could buy her a copy?

I would say don't push the 'advice' angle too hard because sometimes that can feel a bit much when you're already feeling vulnerable- she might feel like someone who has no idea what it feels like is trying to tell her what to do. But definitely make suggestions and just be there for her. Maybe take her out for an afternoon tea or a spa break or something.

What helped me was deciding to move onto donor eggs because I got some hope back. It's not what I would have planned if you'd asked me a few years ago, but for me what is important is having a child, and the love and companionship that will come from that, not the genetics of where he or she came from.

Hope this helps. I know it must be tough for you too so make sure there's someone you trust you can share your feelings with too. I'm sure you feel very concerned for her plus sad that you won't get to met her grandchild. Take care xx

[Anxiousintrovert]

this is just heartbreaking to read and just goes to show that the ivf journey affects so many more people than just the ones undergoing treatment. I’m wishing both you and your daughter lots of strength. I hope she comes to a conclusion that a biological child is not the only option, she can still consider the embryo donor route. Keeping you both in my thoughts ❤️

[Linny12]

IVF is hard, it is physically, emotionally and financially draining. It takes a lot of strength and determination to keep going. If you offered your daughter financial support then maybe that would help? Xx

[Twiglet2]

Agree with everything said above. Just a wee note of caution she must never ever know you are ‘sad for yourself’ she will have already put that pressure on herself to please you as well as her. Please tell her no matter what she chooses to do next you are there for her and her life will be amazing and you are proud of her! Xx

[Doodlebug23]

From a 47 year old singleton who’s just had 3 BFNs and am by the sounds of it feeling similar to your daughter. Just be there if she needs you. I often don’t want to talk and if pushed will snap back. Has she thought of using donor eggs. This is my chosen option and I feel like it’s removed a lot the worries associated with my age x

[Beingamum23]

Thank you for all your replies, each one of you have touched on something. She's had a planned break - her last transfer was Feb this year and she took the failed outcome very badly, mainly because the egg that was transferred was the 'best' quality she had ever had and she felt so well! Donor eggs have been discussed at length with me, the family the counsellor and her doctor and was for a short time a real consideration. However she cannot personally get past the genetics - I'm more nurture over nature but its a very personal path.

The finance is of course a consideration - she has funded herself for the 3 she has had and we have offered to fund for a 4th if that is what her choice is. I feel her real dilemma is how much she has put her life on hold for the past 2-3 years, no dating, seeing her friends get engaged, have babies its broken her. Its the hope that's killing her sadly,