How do you stay positive and upbeat?

Today a friend told me she was pregnant. She has a 9 month old baby already and, although planned for another child eventually, was not even trying. She can't remember her last period so she is having a scan next week to determine how far along she is. I am delighted for her but I felt a little weepy on the phone to her (she doesn't know we are trying, I don't want to deal with any well meaning questions and I feel she is a little smug...) and now I find myself in a very sad place. My heart is breaking.

By comparison we are just early starters in this "lark". My husband is off to get his semen tested next week and I am trying reflexology. We are both trying to adapt our diets to include "fertility super foods". We have secondary infertility, yet to be explored fully, but on the initial tests all seems well despite my age.

My GP has really put the emphasis on well-being, both emotionally and physically. Physically I can deal with but emotionally I am a wreck! Stressed, sad, weepy, angry, resentful, guilt ridden about all sorts of things that are really beyond my control but I feel bad anyway - you get the picture. I don't sleep well and feel quite anxious inside but I think I hide it pretty well (maybe not so much from husband but everyone else...I will be accepting my Oscar very shortly) I had moments where I was philosophical about it all but lately these moments are less and less with the dark times hanging around a lot longer.

How do you all stay so positive? Do you have mantra's, do meditation? How do you do it? How do you get out of feeling so rubbish?

Best wishes to you all x

9 Replies

  • It's really hard - i don't have a solution really and have lost friendships and drifted away from family for this very situation, but in terms of 'staying sane' I have now learnt to accept that my feelings are normal and real. Don't get me wrong, I still try and keep my tears for private but I now acknowledge them and let myself have the cry, then try and move on. To do this I make sure I have nice things to look forward to, put lots of effort into doing nice things with my husband, do yoga every week and go to the gym a lot. We have been trying for 6 years and it hasn't got easier, we've just learnt to cope better. We have had counselling as well after every unsuccessful cycle. Sending you a hug xxx

  • Thank you for your response. It is appreciated. I like what you said about acknowledging it. I think I will try and give myself the space and a moment of time to do that rather than bottle it up. Also I like the exercise idea, I'm rather haphazard in my efforts but always feel mentally better (funny that) after a workout so I will start with a more regular routine to clear the cobwebs. My GP keeps banging on about our minds and bodies being connected, maybe she does have a point after all! (She does do the medicine bit but is encourages the entire well-being of her patients) Counselling I'm nervous about, I feel if I start talking, I will cry and never stop. Do they give you coping strategies or advice or is it just you talking?

  • Your GP sounds fab! She is definitely onto something about the connection between the body and the mind. I love lifting weights and part of it is the feeling that I switch my mind off for a few mins and concentrate on what I'm doing with the weights! Not thinking about eggs and sperm and babies, just picking the weights up and putting them back down again! The counsellors I have seen don't so much give you advice but they might suggest things you can do to help you cope or to resolve something that is causing you upset, for instance I don't have a great relationship with my family so we spoke about that. They are used to tears as well! Xxx

  • I hate to say it but you don't think you ever really hear it, you let it sink in, you pretend you're happy then you go home and cry until you get it all out.

    So far in the last 6 months alone we've had a cousins wife, a cousin, a family friend and a best friend confirm their pregnancies...2 were accidents, one had been trying a month and is a 3rd child :(

    It's super rubbish, but it's inevitable and I have to think that people's lives can't stop because I can't have children naturally...and would i stop if the shoe was on the other foot?

    It's a cruel world, but you'll get through it, you may become a little numb after a while...but when it works for you it'll have been worth it xx

  • Welcome to the forum, beginners or veterans you are most welcome!! I have no words of wisdom but I think you have to do what feels right for you, we aren't a one size fits all 😘😘😘

    Honestly, I have weeks sometimes months where emotionally I'm alright and days where I just need to be left to be.. It waxes and wanes, sometimes you have to dig deep to get yourself out of dips and lean on friends and family to lift you when your struggling, do things that make you happy, long walks in the sunshine, coffee with friends, plan lovely holidays. The risk is it can take over your life if you allow it too xxxx

    Try not to put too much pressure on yourself and emphasis on foods, holistic therapies, everything in moderation, be kind to yourself! Have that bar of chocolate and wine if it makes you feel happy 😊

    You have identified that your emotional well being has taken a dip have you thought of counselling to offload? My husband and I have found it really helpful. The feelings you have discussed are part of a grieving process. And the feelings you have are completely normal towards fertility struggles and your friends pregnancy, it can be really tough!

    I wish you the very best for your investigations and all the best for the future xxxx

  • Thanks for your reply. It does feel like it is taking over my life. I feel immense pressure which gets worse as the months drift by. I'm keen on the holistic therapies - investigating it this weekend at a local clinic - as I am hoping it will calm me down a bit and feel strong again to gain back my sense of perspective which seems to have disappeared almost entirely. I'm wary of counselling - do they offer advice or is it just you talking to them? I'm worried that if I let it all out I'll have some sort of breakdown and I won't be able to get myself back. I feel such a fool thinking it would be all so easy!

    Best wishes and thank you xx

  • I've learnt that it's better to put on a face in these moments - and be honest at home, have a cry and you'll feel better. There's no way to stay positive 100%, but I do feel that embracing the negative times and grieving when necessary means that you come out the other side happier. It's goes in cycles for me, ups and downs.

    This forum is great as people actually understand and we can go through it together! Xx

  • Thank you - I think you are right. I go from putting on a brave face in public to having a cry in the shower where no one can hear or see me. I thought maybe I could speak to my husband but I know he is feeling the same and don't want to burden him further with a weeping wife. I don't know, it's hard, but its so helpful to off load on this forum - thank you xx

  • I found when not talking to my husband about it he started to think there was something wrong between us! I've found that being honest helps him understand my journey through it and be sympathetic when in need it! I've also confided in close friends and then it's not just in my husband. Also I found his outlet on here has helped me greatly! Xx

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