How can I help my friend? Lost baby.

[LKT1]

Hi all,

Some of you know my journey through ivf. This message is unrelated and sorry to say it’s not a positive one but I’m looking for advice.

One of my best friends gave birth to her first child. The baby was fine until they were born but didn’t take it’s first breath so sadly passed away minutes later.

My friend had a smooth and happy pregnancy so was low risk. She has a nursery fully prepared and dozens of baby items from her baby shower. Worst of all her body is still prepared for motherhood for a baby who is no longer coming home.

I’m completely heartbroken for her. Has anyone been through this? Or know someone who has? Obviously I have messaged her saying I’m sorry and I’m there for anything she needs but I want to know what else to say or what not to say. I’m also pregnant via ivf and terrified she won’t want to see me...a selfish thought right now I know, but I love her so much and she has been such a support to me on my journey.

Is there any additional support out there she can access?

Thank you for any advice xx

[Hidden]

Yes I know a few people that has happened to. One lady already had a little boy at the time when her daughter died just before she was due to be born and she ended up having twins after but it's a horrific thing to go through going through labour and nothing.

Someone else I know had a baby that died and everything had been great up until then which had been a right shock for our work team at the time. I had been on leave when that had happened come back from leave and had asked not knowing what had happened how was the girl concerned getting on with the new baby only to receive the sad news it had died and she had gone through labour all for nothing.

I had been really shocked as it was out of the blue and the line manager said to me how I hadn't been to know and how the team knew that wasn't asked maliciously and our team had ended up all crying together over it.

Anyway she ended up with 2 little girls afterwards but won't forget the one that died.

One thing you could do is say how you want to support her but you aren't sure how to and offer to do things for her and keep the lines of communication open and let her know that your door is always open for her if she wants to talk.

[Kat9lives]

Hi lovely, I think the fact you want to be there for your friend says it all. Just be there, ask her how she is and comfort her. Some days she wont want to talk, some days she'll need encouragement to talk and others she'll need a shoulder to cry on.

One of my best friends and I were both pregnant 3 years ago with the same due date. Sadly, she lost her baby at 32 weeks due to a heart condition. She was and still is devastated. Strangely I felt guilty for still being pregnant and was devastated with her. I know my friend still finds it hard to see my little girl as her boy would have been the exact same age. Despite all this, she has pulled herself through with help and support from all her friends and family. She has 2 older boys and wants to try again for another baby at some point, but never forgets the one she lost. I would say dont avoid talking about her baby or saying their name as my friend found a lot of people doing that and it irritated her lots!

Best of luck in your pregnancy and try not to feel guilty, just be there for her and look after you. Xx

[Nicki2020]

so sorry to hear about that

[FrancyItaly]

I’m so sorry to hear this. I can’t imagine how hard this must me for your friend, and also for you. It must be a real shock for her and it will take a long time until she realises what happened and hopefully heal the pain. I had a miscarriage in my first trimester in September, still today I find it hard to cope sometimes. I really can’t imagine how heartbreaking this must be for her and her partner. What I can advice is, please be present. Be there for her. Listen to her, if she needs space understand it. Do not forget her baby, ever. Celebrate his/her life, no matter how short it was. The worst thing for me is the fact friends and family avoid talking about what happened, like my baby didn’t matter. Make her aware that her little baby was special and important, and will not be forgotten. Don’t think that avoiding the topic will help, it doesn’t. Try to have an open relationship with her, when you can share something about your pregnancy too. I’m sure she is very happy for you, but her pain makes it hard to share her happiness with you. She will probably find it hard to be around people, especially those pregnant and with babies. This is understandable. It’s unfair for you, I know. I have a friend who just gave birth, her due date was 3 months before mine. I know what happened to me was unfair for both, as we both wanted to have a child together so much. But unfortunately this is life and we have to learn to cope with it.

[Ladypii]

Hello

This happened to my sister in 2008. It was a truly horrific time for her and her husband and our entire family. I will never forget the funeral.

My sister now has three children and a very happy life. But I know that whole year for her was the darkest time of her and her husbands life. She got pregnant 5 months after the still birth so I think in some ways that helped with her grief, but she too had to take tablets to stop the milk from flowing and I remember removing all items from the nursery with her husband so that she could not see it when she returned from the hospital.

She said that immediate counselling helped process what had happened and talking to others through the charity SANS. The rest of my family and I rotated seeing her and her husband on weekends for many months afterwards to make sure they knew we hadn’t forgotten about them. I also remember her husband saying to me that when he went back to work he really felt like people avoided him and never wanted to ask about the baby. And I understand it’s probably because people didn’t know what to say, but actually in grief I think people just want acknowledgement and support and not to feel like the elephant in the room.

My sister and I regularly visited the grave together and I still text her happy birthday for my niece every year so she knows that we all think of her.

I think as long as you stay in contact and don’t be afraid to talk about it if she wants to, then that’s the best you can do in these terrible circumstances.

Xx

[Jen_jen]

This is so heartbreaking to hear 💔💔💔 every parents worst nightmare. Just keep doing what your doing and be there for her as she will need you maybe not right now but she will, just keep checking in with her daily.