What to do when IVF buddy is pregnant and you’re not?

[Sunshine92]

So, my first and only round of NHS funded IVF sadly failed confirmed last week.

By chance, a lady I met years ago at a wedding was at my clinic’s group meeting (we’d been friends on social media since but never met up). Since we realised we both share infertility in common we became closer and has luck (or not, depending on how you look at it) would have it our NHS cycles were within just days of each other.

Still grieving from my failed round, i received a text message from her earlier this week with a picture of her 2 positive pregnancy tests. I messaged her back congratulations and she replied how emotional this all is and how hard it is for her to get the positives and be so nervous that it sticks around.

She keeps messaging me now saying ‘how are you? Hope you’re ok?’ And i know you’ll all think im awful but i cant bring myself to reply 😔 of course im not ok, she wouldn’t understand her treatment worked for her first time, mine failed and im desperately sad about it. I just cant face talking to her at the moment.

Am i a terrible human being?😢

[Hidden]

I am so sorry your IVF wasn’t successful even harder when you only funding for 1 cycle.

I haven’t been through ivf so can’t begin to imagine how stressful it must be. I faced 7 years of infertility & know all too well how difficult pregnancy announcements are💔

It’s okay to not be okay sometimes.

I would be very honest - say how happy you are for her but how much it is hurting you that your treatment didn’t work. Perhaps a bit of space whilst you come to terms, in time I’m sure you will feel differently it’s just a bit raw right now.

Pregnancy after infertility is a very anxious & maybe she feels you “get it more” than most people who haven’t faced infertility.. but she needs to remember how hard it is seeing pregnant women when it’s not happening (right now) for you...

You’re definitely not a bad person you are just someone who is grieving & need time to come to terms with it so don’t be hard on yourself.

I hope you are able to find a way to continue with your journey & I wish you every success. xxx

[Italy300618]

No you are not a terrible human being at all! You poor thing that's so awful i am so sorry it didn't work for you, I can really relate..

One of my best friends had ivf earlier in the year and was so lucky that it worked 1st time around, 6 months later I start treatment and unfortunately fails 😔 I found it incredibly hard talking to her because what she was saying to try and make me feel better just didnt and I felt like if it was the other way around she would feel so so sad too and would be inconsolable! Even though out of all my friends she could relate the most. Now that since she has had her baby I felt the same as you, I messaged congratulations but seeing pictures i was so incredibly hurting inside.

I think distance is a good thing but reply a message to her wishing her well and maybe say you're just going to take a bit of time for yourself and hibernate a bit. She wont be offfended. Good luck lovely and take care of yourself xx

[strong-girl]

The same thing happened to me I made a friend on this forum and our cycles were identical she became pregnant and none of my eggs fertilised it was shocking but with time we heal

[Sunshine92]

Thank you for all your lovely words. I find it so difficult to be honest but hopefully she understands xx

[Picalilli99]

I can really relate to this. When me & a friend were going through IVF at a similar time it was nice as we were able to support each other through difficult times (the IVF process itself & we both unfortunately suffered miscarriages). So I was genuinely so happy for her when she fell pregnant. But then I felt really hurt because she actually did the opposite to your friend and just stopped asking about the IVF and how we were doing. In my head I was thinking “has she just forgotten how painful this journey is because she has had her happy ending, or does she just not care”. In the end I decided to try and tell her how I was feeling. It turned out she had felt guilty asking me about the IVF after she had her baby because she thought in some way I might view it as insensitive or her gloating. Having a talk about it really helped and since then things have been much better between us. Although it is still hard at times, she got pregnant again in a matter of months and last week gave birth to her 2nd baby before her 1st was even one year old. I have really been struggling with the feeling of being left behind. But I know that it feels worse at the mo because my recent bfn is still pretty raw. I suppose the reason I wanted to share my example was that sometimes when we are hurting anything our friends do can feel upsetting and it’s probably difficult for them to know what to do/say for the best. I’m so sorry that you are going through this and certainly don’t think you are a terrible human being! Take care of yourself and give yourself space to grieve. Sending you big hugs xxx

[Shirazlover2013]

Yep this has happened to me - twice! First time in Feb a friend and I were both doing our first cycles a week apart. She got a BFP and I got a BFN. I was genuinely happy for her although I was grieving terribly. A few weeks later she announced on Facebook it was twins, as you can imagine that didn’t go down so well. It was around that time I was just finishing cycle 2 and had made a friend online going who was at a very similar stage of life to me and was doing her 1st cycle. Low and behold I got my 2nd BFN and my newbie friend got a BFP. Whilst deep down I am happy for them my own grief at my own situation totally outweighed this and I’ve had to take a break from both friends (sorry guys). They understand why I’ve stepped away although they don’t understand my grief at all having both had success on their first rounds. Meanwhile cycle 3 I chose not to make any cycle buddies which was actually kind of better, but alas BFN again. So now I’m in my 4th 2ww and hoping like hell this nightmare will end soon. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy let alone my other infertility warriors so I have to keep reminding myself of this mantra. I imagine it’s pretty rough being on the other side of this equation too so perhaps reach out and just explain you need some space and hopefully later down the line when you’ve got the strength they’ll be open to reconnecting with you. Good luck xx

[Picalilli99 in reply to Shirazlover2013]

Really hoping it’s 4th time lucky for you lovely! xxxxx

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to Picalilli99]

Thank you xx

[Lavender96]

You’re not a terrible person at all!! You need time to grieve and process the information. It’s difficult when anybody you’re close to becomes pregnant, regardless of how and if you need to take some time to distance yourself that’s absolutely fine.

I’ve been in a similar position. A friend of mine got her BFP just after I had miscarried and even though I was really happy for her, I cried for hours. I was honest with her, told her I was thrilled to bits but needed some space to deal with my own loss and the thought of going through it all again. She was really lovely about the situation, backed off and told me she was always there to talk when ready. After a few weeks I did feel better and we’ve since met for a chat. It was nice to still have her to talk to. Just be honest and take the time you need xx

[Ropa19]

It’s an awful situation to be in so you definitely are a horrible person.

Me and my best friend from the age of 4 years old were both going through ivf, both our first cycles failed and then we had our second around the same time, hers was FET and mine was a second fresh. As it turned out we both had our blood tests on the same day, and as you guessed hers was positive and mine wasn’t! It made it all the harder to deal with as we had all these dreams that maybe our babies could be friends and grow up together too as they would be born days apart. Luckily she’s still very supportive and I know I can talk to her about it all but I’m just about to have my 4th transfer so hopefully i can soon chat to her about pregnancy and birth instead 🤞

It takes time but u will soon feel better and stronger about it, just be kind to yourself and give it time xx

[emmab178]

I think she will know exactly what you are going through with your round not working.

She will have had her own hard journey to ivf and will understand your emotions.

I've been on both sides of the bfn and bfp fence. Shitty all around where the bfn is concerned but i also felt really shit for my mate when we got lucky with our bfp and she had a miscarriage.

Her anxiety won't be any less with a positive test. She's got a long way to go and she will now be on constant knicker watch counting the days to the next milestone. I didn't relax in my pregnancy at all, just high anxiety throughout.