Not really a question, just looking for some moral support.My younger brother and his fiancé visited today for a family meal with my dad. They came a bit early and to our shock announced their pregnancy. I felt absolutely cornered by it. Of course I had to put on a performance and say how pleased I was for them, all the while crying and curling up inside. 6 hours later I'm allowing myself to fall apart just a little.
They said they wanted to let us know first as they know about our struggles but then proceeded to proudly show the scan photo and chatter on about all their preparations. I know they are entitled to feel this way but it is really tough
We've just been given our start date for our first ever cycle, which is set to fall over Christmas, so I was just mentally preparing myself for that.
I'm sure many of you have been through this, so hoping you have some words if wisdom.
Thanks for listening!
Xxx
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Minniemouse88
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I totally get how you feel. This is something which is so difficult and yet very common for people for people struggling with fertility to feel this way. I am not surprised you felt cornered by the news and it is unfortunate as it sounds like they wanted to be sensitive to your situation but didn't end up being very sensitive at all. Of course we want to be happy for those sharing this news, however I think we also need to give ourselves permission to grieve our own struggles, I find the two in parallel are a unique challenge. I have experienced people getting pregnant around me, including a sibling, during a 3 year fertility struggle - which is still ongoing - and it has not been easy (I think on both sides). I explained to those pregnant around me that I was happy for them but due to my personal struggles it would be too hard for me to discuss their pregancy in detail with them. I'm not going to lie, people can find that difficult to hear, but I had to do it for my own mental health at that time. If you need to do something similar then do it xx
My instinct all along with these things is to hide away. I've definitely made peace with a new form of social distancing over the last year, as you say, to protect my own mental health.
Somehow, through all the difficult smiles and congratulations today, I have held on to an idea that I can be okay.
I do think that raising awareness of the IVF struggle amongst the wider public is much needed. It can feel incredibly lonely and so many comments made to us today grossly over simplified it all.
Anyhow, onwards. I hope you are holding up well through your journey and thanks for your empathy. It is good to know that there is a community out there making this less isolating
100% agree that so much more is needed to raise the profile and increase awareness of infertility within the wider public. It is such an isolating experience already and those feelings can be exacerbated by lack of awareness and understanding of those around us who simply don't have the foggiest. It's why I'm so grateful as well to have access to forums like this because it's one of the only places where you can get true empathy, without judgment, as you say this community makes it less isolating. Xx
Hi, I'm sorry your going through this. I'm not sure how sensitive that was, my best friend got pregnant when we were going through first transfer and she text me first with the news so I could prepare myself before being around people and I'm so glad she did. Just concentrate on you and your upcoming cycle. X
Hi Lovely,it hasn't been a long time since I posted my younger brother having a boy exact a month ago. It doesn't get easier at all as everyone keeps talking about the new baby and new parents.Sometimes in the early mornings I don't know how the thoughts come and go I am just up and my deep thinking don't know what just my mind is not sound, I get panicked totally. My moods are all over can't help but husband really understands me and hugs me saying all will be OK and soon we will have our baby too which gives me comfort. I hope you your other half gives you the comfort and understands you.
Also what helped me is I am not involved in any chats where they discuss all about baby or the mother. I don't know how right or wrong is this but makes my mind off the details which really bothers me.
Sending you a tight 🫂 and letting you know you are not alone and what you do for yourself is the best,no one can understand us what we go through each month so embrace yourself and chin up,you are awesome
It isn't easy to hear such news and I feel for you. For me I tried to think in another way - that my in-law will have a baby to hug so the pressure on me is less..
Hello there, I can totally relate to this I was literally g through IVF when my nephews were born! It was hard I remember the evening after transfer finishing off their presents. I don’t know how I did it but I did. In the end we got our BFP and I now also have a little boy. As hard as it is try to put on a brave face as your time will come ❤️❤️ Sending you lots of baby dust and best wishes for journey ❤️❤️❤️
oh I’m so sorry. I know exactly how this feels. When we were just about to start our first round siblings on each side announced they were pregnant. It was very hard my brother was more sensitive than my husbands side but it caused so much heartache. My brother in law got upset with us as we hadn’t immediately replied at a ‘guess the baby weight’ text. It was so insensitive and it was hard to explain where we were coming from. I’d just say be kind but don’t be scared to say you need space. We did that and they took it reasonable well in the end. I just had to make peace with the fact if they haven’t been through it they will never truly understand the pain. You just look after you. Sending lots of love xx
Ah gosh, it's just so hard isn't it? Our best friends did something similar to us. I think they thought they were being kind by telling us in person rather than by text, but it was actually super hard to process and a real shock. Since then I told people to tell me this sort of news by text so I can process it on my own terms. It's still never easy (especially when it seems like literally everyone is announcing pregnancies all the time), but at least there is less pressure to be happy and smiley! Sending hugs to you xxx
I can relate to this - my sibling decided to announce her pregnancy to me by giving me a her stick saying pregnant on and recording me 😔 even though knows my struggles. Its so hard and having being told in that way made me feel absolutely terrible. My advice is remove yourself from the situation if need be by keeping your distance. You have to think of yourself because no one else will.
This is what I did,found so much better off knowing things,I believe if I don't things than it won't bother me and I will not deep think or keep stressing as it is this whole process is so overwhelming.
So sorry to hear you had such a horrible experience but thank you for sharing. It seems as though those who are pregnant are so wrapped up in their own excitement they fail to think how it might feel for someone in the opposite position. Take care, and thank you again xxx
HI there! you're not alone. My brother started trying for a baby pretty much at the same time as me and my partner, as we thought it would be fun to have children of similar age. He has 2 kids now and I have 0. We also have a family chat, because some of our family is in different countries and they post all the baby photos there. I'm watching the series called ''Trying'' that shows struggles like that, makes me feel a bit better.
I think that it just takes time. After every pregnancy announcement you feel happy for them but also sad for yourself. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that!
My sister announced her pregnancy at her engagement dinner. It was the first time I was meeting her fiancés family so I had to sit through it all constantly fighting back tears. She knew 2 weeks before I had just had a chemical pregnancy. And then had a go at me afterwards for ruining her engagement dinner. She still doesn't get why I was upset.
I personally feel a text message is the best way to receive the news. You can deal with your emotions privately. xx
Eurgh I am so sorry you are going through this, I think showing you the scan photos etc are particularly insensitive but also I think if you haven't been through fertility problems you just don't understand the impact your words and actions can have.
I have been in your scenario twice as my sister has had 2 children whilst we have been trying and either failing or miscarrying. I found removing myself as much as possible from the situation was the only way to cope with it, but I did get a lot of stick for 'not supporting my sister' which was challenging. I think people think a siblings child 'can be a replacement if you can't have one' which is so naive and frankly insensitive but I think people think it would bring us comfort when the reality is the opposite.
The one thing I would say is I found the pregnancy the hardest. It sounds bonkers but once both babies were here they weren't 'my' baby and I could look at them and love them but I didn't feel the envy I felt when she had the bump and was pregnant. It then got a lot easier and I love my niece and nephew heaps now and it doesn't upset me every time I see them.
I did try and talk to my sister about how I felt but it royally backfired as she felt I was being unsupportive and couldn't see my perspective, so that's not always a great option. Sometimes it's best just to put a front on and have a good sob behind the scenes regularly. All your feelings are totally valid and I send you the hugest hug xx
Thank you for taking the time to respond and sorry you've had a similar experience. I'm glad it's easier now for you and I agree, the pregnancy is much more likely to trigger me than the birth. I had the same with my cousin - ever the green-eyed monster but now her son has been born, doesn't bother me as much. Xx
I totally get how you feel. It is awful isnt it? You want to be happy for them but you feel sad that it comes so easy for others and for us it doesnt. Also there is always that question of : what if this does not work? There are no guarantees in our cycles. Sending you hugs x
Wow, thank you so much for sharing all your experiences, it really does help it all feel more manageable. Sending much love and hopeful thoughts back xxx
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