Ever since TTC and struggling with fertility issues it feels as though everyone around me is falling pregnant! Everyone is also falling pregnant accidentally or straight away (within 1 - 3 months). Some people have even timed it to the exact month so that they receive more company maternity pay!
I started off feeling jealous and it's gotten worse and worse into bitterness and anger. My sibling fell pregnant effortlessly whilst we were TTC. When she announced it, I tried my best to show that I was happy for her, but I felt jealously which I couldn't understand. As her pregnancy progressed I found it more and more difficult going to gender reveals, seeing her at Xmas etc. I was asked why I don't show much interest in her pregnancy and I made an excuse.
For the past couple of months I have been so upset and depressed about my infertility to the point where I can't work, socialise, exercise etc.
I hoped that when the baby was born my bitterness would pass and that my feelings were just around pregnancy rather than children. However, I get so upset seeing photos shared of the baby each day. Soon we will be invited to see him for the first time and I just feel I can't see babies, I will be crying and everyone will ask what's wrong. I will also feel SO much worse when I come home, missing holding the baby and wishing I had my own.
Does anyone have any advice on how they manage family and friend's pregnancies and children? I've seen some people love being aunts but I can't imagine anything more upsetting.
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I had this with my cousin I was struggling with having 3 mc at 12w she conceived first try no real issues with her pregnancy, I didn’t go to her baby shower I just couldn’t but she understood, I just didn’t want to hear about her pregnancy it was too hard for me losing 3 being all happy for someone else too raw. She had her baby and the birth was quite horrific so I did feel for her. I wanted to go see her but I was so scared I’d cry and show how upset I was for myself. But I went and all them feelings I had when she was pregnant went away I came away feeling a lot better it was like therapy for me. Everyone’s journey different mine probably a lot different to yours I have kids already and nephews & nieces so you may feel differently seeing your sisters baby or it might comfort u just getting a baby cuddle.
I went to my sister's baby shower but it was really difficult. We're trying for our first baby and have 1 other nephew who's a bit older.
I hoped my feelings would go away once the baby was born but it hasn't. Although I want to see him I feel I'll really struggle and take a bad turn when I get back home having held him, missing him and being without a baby of my own.
It is really hard especially with someone so close. After my 2nd mc we were out in Frankie and benny I had a new born in view and a pregnant lady opposite I just burst our crying I had to go home and cried some more.
I'm so sorry. There's really no escaping it, we have daily reminders no matter where we go or who we speak to. I have a joke with my partner, as no matter what we put on TV there would be a pregnant person / someone announcing their pregnancy, even in horror movies lol. We're also mentally preparing for the next pregnancy announcement, such as our other siblings or a close friend who has just decided that he might try for a baby soon! I'm trying to brace myself for the next announcement so I can put on a smile and it won't come as a surprise. It's really upsetting that when we started out TTC people weren't interested in having a baby and during this time people decide they're ready for kids and voila it happens straight away
Big hugs it's so hard. Two of my close friends are pregnant at the moment.
I would say it's easier once you see the baby plus when you see how tired the parents look and you can go home and relax.
Have you been honest with your sibling I'm sure she'd understand.
Please also consider steps to deal with your depression such as counseling or medication. As feeling sad for months on end and quitting your hobbies and exercise is really serious. You need to demonstrate self care and distracting yourself from your thoughts even for short periods is so important.
Also limit social media as this can be very triggering.
I've only told my mum about our fertility struggles but I feel she's insensitive about it and hasn't supported me in the way I hoped. She's been (understandably) ecstatic about my sister's pregnancy and having her first grandchild and sees it as my sister's time to be supported, spoilt etc. and that my time will come. Although, being unable to conceive naturally and needing fertility treatments doesn't guarantee a baby! I'm unable to be positive and optimistic like my mum and happy/supportive for my sister. It's all my family have spoke about for the past 9 months, there's really no escaping it.
I have considered telling my siblings and wrote out a message which I've never sent! It's never felt like the right time to tell them. They know I have a health issue due to attending lots of appointments during Covid and being depressed but I haven't told them what it is. I'm in 2 minds about telling them for 2 reasons:
- I didn't want to ruin my sister's pregnancy/childbirth, feeling like she can't be happy/celebrate or that I'm ruining what should be a happy experience for her
- I worry that they won't understand how I feel, how depressed I am and how upsetting it's been for me, and instead think that I'm being selfish and that it's no big deal taking years to conceive
Have you told your friends and how did you go about telling them? Do you find it helped and were they supportive?
I have considered counselling but due to the cost I've looked into free support mechanisms, such as this forum and I've joined a support group who have virtual meetings which I hope will help. I wanted antidepressants but it's unsafe during pregnancy and I'd be worried about the risks if I did fall pregnant with treatments
I have had the same situation, I’ve been pregnant 7 times and lost all of them, and had 6 rounds of IVF. I always thought my sister and I would have children together but she got pregnant and gosh I hated her so much, I couldn’t control my jealousy. The scans the photos etc, just hurt so much. But as soon as I met baby in person I loved him.
She is now pregnant again and my nephew is two, I love him so much it hurts .. but I also have so much anger that she is pregnant again and we are now at the end of our fertility journey and likely to be childless forever, it’s even harder when people feel sorry for her for being pregnant/big/tired/depressed etc
I do know however I will love my niece when she arrives, and some days even think maybe being auntie whilst doesn’t compensate for being a mum is also a great opportunity to be the fun one and throw them back at their parents when they are difficult 😂
Anyway sending you a huge hug, I know how much it hurts and how uncomfortable that hurt feels as you feel guilty too xx
I'm so sorry about your miscarriages. I can't begin to imagine what you've been through with 6 rounds of IVF.
Thank you. That's so nice that you have a relationship with your nephew and soon to be niece. I hoped that I would feel the same way and feel different once my nephew was born but I'm struggling even more. I hope in time I can have a relationship with him if we don't manage to conceive
Oh love, I really feel you. After a nasty miscarriage I had seven close friends have babies in 4 weeks. I was able to hold it together enough at first but I’ve had to mute them all on social as I can’t take the moaning about sleepless nights or solidarity in getting through the newborn stage - when that’s all I want in the world! X
So sorry to hear about your miscarriage. It does feel like everyone conceives at the same time as I also have a friend who was due at the same time as my sister, and our cousin a couple months before them.
It also angers me when people have mundane complaints. My friend would complain that she wanted a girl rather than a boy, my sister complained that she couldn't buy a larger house as soon as she wanted to etc. when I'd do anything to be in their position!
Oh I know how you feel. Not siblings but friends. I’ve had 6 close friends all fall pregnant and have babies in the past 18 months, we’ve been trying 3 years. I feel like such a failure. I feel like I’m
Losing at life. It’s awful. I’ve had to distance myself from them but I’ve essentially lost my friendship group.
I’m so sorry to hear you are struggling with your sisters pregnancy. Does she know what you are going through? Xxxx
Sorry to hear that. It's so hard when relationships are impacted but I hope that in time they can be rebuilt and they understand how difficult infertility is. I feel that if we had a bereavement or a chronic health diagnosis family and friends would understand, but with infertility it's not seen as being life destroying.
Did you tell your friends about struggling to conceive?
I haven't told my sister, I've only told my mum. I considered telling her but it's never felt like the right time. She's aware I have a health issue and am depressed as a result but I haven't told her what it is. I've been in 2 minds about telling her for 2 reasons:
- I didn't want to ruin her pregnancy/childbirth, feeling like she can't be happy/celebrate or that I'm ruining what should be a happy experience for her
- I worry that she won't understand how I feel, how depressed I am and how upsetting it's been for me, and instead think that I'm being selfish and that it's no big deal taking years to conceive
For me the best way of dealing with it was to remind myself that no one deliberately gets pregnant to hurt someone else - infertility and baby loss takes so much from us already I refused to let it make me jealous and bitter too. Friendships are are about being there for someone during the good times as well as the bad x
Thank you - this is really helpful. It's a nice way to look at it that no one gets pregnant to hurt those struggling to conceive. People will get pregnant to grow their family and for their own happiness. I feel I have no control over these emotions and that they're not mine, being so angry and bitter. I hope in time I'll be able to cope and be happy for others
Story of my life.Take care of yourself first and if it is all too upsetting speak to her in confidence,she is your sister and would understand as she knows your struggle.It’s been years and i still can’t manage baby showers and baptism but blend in eventually as they get bigger.
I have considered telling her and wrote out a Whatsapp message but it's never felt like the right time. She knows I have a health issue due to attending lots of appointments during Covid and being depressed but I haven't told her what it is. I've been in 2 minds about telling her for 2 reasons:
- I didn't want to ruin her pregnancy/childbirth, feeling like she can't be happy/celebrate or that I'm ruining what should be a happy experience for her
- I worry that she won't understand how I feel, how depressed I am and how upsetting it's been for me, and instead think that I'm being selfish and that it's no big deal taking years to conceive
I attended her gender reveal which was hard, as everyone fussed over me being depressed, I felt like I was an inconvenience being there. Covid has meant limited contact, as she couldn't have a baby shower, although I did see her at Christmas.
I feel like the pregnancy and baby stage is really hard. Once they get older I think I'll be able to cope more, but probably once they're at secondary school haha
Ild say talk to her not send an email/message or written text incase it becomes evidence if she misunderstands you and you can’t take it back.It’s important you let people know how you feel and everyone may be the better for it.She might know turn tell you she feels bad that everyone was fussing over you and not her,see?.
I’ve been so jealous of everyone getting pregnant and how easily it happens for them.
After 3 years of TTC, seeing people fall so easily is heartbreaking.
My brother announced they were expecting last year and it was just after I had an ectopic. It’s the first they knew were trying and since then I’ve struggled to even speak to them.
They are 5 years older, didn’t even think about kids when we started, smoke and drink every so often and I don’t understand how it’s so easy.
The baby was born a few days before Christmas and I can’t even message them. I sent a congratulatory message and a gift but I can’t even look at pics.
I feel so terrible but don’t know how to change how I feel.
So I know how you feel hun. It sucks and I wish I could say I have the answer but I don’t.
Have you told your brother about your fertility struggles?
It's very similar with my sister, they're older than us, overweight and only eat junk food (which they continued to do during the pregnancy), smoke daily, drink often etc. Our cousin who conceived in the same year and her partner are also the same.
On paper we'd tick all the right boxes and are doing everything right, it just feels really unfair. Prior to TTC I stopped drinking (which I would do on special occasions), switched tea to decaff, improved our diet even further (no takeaways, minimising bad carbs), worked to lower stress levels, took supplements etc.
I find it really difficult looking at my sister's baby pictures but at the same time I can't stop looking at them. I also feel terrible as these emotions of anger and bitterness are not mine and I have no control over them.
I can relate so much. I’m the same with pictures. I find myself searching and when I find something I get so sad.
I rang my brother one evening as I suspected he was about to give us news. I explained why I was asking and cried and told him everything. He insisted they wasn’t pregnant. I understand why he didn’t tell us, it’s a decision he would have needed to make with his Gf and they were obviously waiting on that 3 month scan. He rang me 4 days later to break the news and my husband was so so upset.
There’s no easy way to tell a sibling and I was crying and shaking telling both my brothers.
Unfortunately no one will ever understand unless they go through it and there will probably always be that void between us. They are very caring but I think I upset his gf when I shut them out a bit. I just wish people could understand how much it hurts xxx
It's good that you've been open with your brothers and they're supportive.
It's really sad that his girlfriend is upset and when people don't understand. I feel it's partly that people aren't willing to learn more about the infertility process and the impact it has on our lives. All someone needs to do is research online and there are so many articles, videos, forums etc. where they can understand how we feel. If someone told me they had been diagnosed with a chronic health condition for example, I'd do research to find out more, learn what to say and what not to say etc. to support them.
I find it's the people who have children that don't understand and brush it off (like my mum who has 4 kids) when they should be the people who can relate to us and imagine what life would be like without their children. I'd expect people who are childfree by choice not to understand, as they may see the benefits of living a childfree life rather than seeing what we've lost.
I'm not that close with my siblings although we see each other often at my parent's house, birthdays, Xmas etc. If I was close with my sister I would tell her but where we aren't close and have fallen out many times in the past I don't know if she will be supportive or spiteful and call me selfish etc.
I understand that. I only told my brothers in the summer because of the situation of one of them expecting. I didn’t tell them before that because I just didn’t see the point.
No one really understands and I said to my dad that actually I don’t think people really care. I don’t mean that in a nasty way but they don’t. If it’s not happening to them then they don’t really care. If they have no experience with it then it’s n it a big deal.
I always get the “it will happen” line from family and friends and it pisses me off. Oh because it happened so easily for you, you think it will for me? So why hasn’t it in 3 years? But took you 1/2/3 months. It’s such a brush off line!
I really hope it happens for both of us hun. I know we all deserve it. We will be incredible parents xxx
That's exactly how me and my partner feel! Perhaps it's not the best outlook but we feel that the majority of people don't care, again not in a nasty way, but people look out for themselves and if they're happy and their lives are going well, then that's all they're concerned about.
I told my sisters about having a health issue and suffering from depression as a result and they were only concerned in the week leading up to Xmas as they wanted us there for the day, but otherwise they wouldn't have cared and haven't asked me how I am since.
We also get the "it will happen" line, that it can take longer for some than others, and advice to take supplements etc. which is unhelpful and as you said it took 1-3 months for everyone else to fall pregnant so it's just empty words.
My mum didn't believe me when I said something's wrong and brushed it off, and now that I have it confirmed she thinks I should be happy that they'll give me treatments and it'll all be ok. People assume you'll fall into the percentage it works for, rather than the percentage it doesn't work for. We're in the minority who do not conceive within a year so the odds are already against our favor. It's really difficult remaining positive and optimistic.
I always felt really close to my mum but I wish I hadn't told her about us struggling to conceive, as she hasn't been supportive at all. Had I not told her, I would have been none the wiser and assumed that she would have been there for me. Instead of being there for me, she's been there for my sister with her perfect life and mundane complaints. I know it's bad but I'm thinking of cutting ties with my family, at least for a while so I can focus on getting well.
Update: my parents have seen my sister's baby every day for the past week and my other sisters have been seeing him occasionally and today they're having a big get together with all the family, getting a takeaway etc. (none of them care about Covid even though some of them are key workers!) I was invited and my sister and her boyfriend have been messaging me for the past few days about attending. I eventually said I'm too unwell to see the baby yet (I didn't say why - they know I have a health issue but not infertility). My sister has the hump and it will likely all kick off soon! No one has asked how I'm feeling so far this year and for all they know I could have a critical health condition - all they care about is socialising at key events (Christmas and now gatherings with the newborn). Sorry just had to get this off my chest!!
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