Upset over pregnancy announcement

[Citizenerased83]

I'm so upset by a friend's pregnancy announcement that I can't get to sleep. It's their second - just feels incredibly unfair. Why do some people have zero issues getting and maintaining a pregnancy and others experience their hearts being broken repeatedly?! This friend told my husband about their pregnancy when they were out eventhough they know our situation. My husband said it didn't upset him but I found it incredibly insensitive as they didn't know how he would react so shouldn't have told him in person and I also was meant to go out with them tonight but then couldn't make it. This week, should have been my due date and we always seem to have a pregnancy/ birth announcement from friends at the worst times. I hate how unfair it all is. Writing this in the hope it'll help me get to sleep.

I know each child is a blessing but it's upsetting that some just get to be parents with no issues and others really struggle. X

[BabyBearx]

Hi 👋 Our friends did the same thing 😢 We were so upset, they knew exactly what we were going through and announced it in front of a group of people. It’s so hard to hear. We try and stay positive and think our time will come but it’s so hard to believe sometimes. Hope you guys are ok xx

[Citizenerased83 in reply to BabyBearx]

Hi BabyBearx, I'm so sorry that your friends did the same. It's so horrible. Makes me not want to be friends with people who are that insensitive.Just so sad today. Hope it'll be your turn soon. Xx

[Rollercoastersmiles]

hey. Completely on the same page here! We had some friends tell us about their pregnancy when we were going through a really hard time. The worst thing was that they were staying with us for the weekend and she was talking about it the whole time. It was devestating at the time and really made me think how insensitive they were. I don’t really talk to her anymore. Kind of ruined the friendship. We’re lucky enough to have a little boy now, which is amazing…but I still can’t get over the insensitivity.

I think when you’re going through it, it’s unbearable, and the kind of pain that people who conceive easily, just can’t understand. I hope you all the luck in the future and hope you can salvage the friendship.

[Citizenerased83 in reply to Rollercoastersmiles]

I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. Really insensitive of your friends to behave like that and must have been so hard having them stay with you. I do think going through this process can really make you see your friends in a different light - I have distanced myself from people who are insensitive too.

I'm so glad you have your son now! Thank you so much xx

[IchigoKeikaku]

oh hun I’m so sorry they were insensitive like that. It’s happened to us so many times too… to the point where friends who for years said they never want children also did it when they got pregnant and it’s so hard to feel ok.

I think people just don’t know how to interact with us. Essentially… they want to involve you because they care about you…so I try to just remember that 🥹

Sending lots of hugs and baby dust xx

[Citizenerased83 in reply to IchigoKeikaku]

Hi lovely,

Sorry it happened to you also. It seems very common doesn't it, sadly. It's so horrible when you're put on the spot too in person.

That's a nice way to think about it. Thank you.

Thanks so much - you too! Xx

[Strawberry_fields]

it’s genuinely heart breaking, I feel like falling to my knees & crying every time. I cried myself to sleep for 3 nights the day my sister in law had her baby. I know my partners cousin is due this week so I’m just preparing for more sleepless nights with tears. It’s very lonely feeling like this, I hope you get your miracle soon ❤️

[Citizenerased83 in reply to Strawberry_fields]

Oh hun, that's so tough. I'm so sorry. Look after yourself. I agree, it is so lonely. Feel free to message me if you ever feel down about it all. Thank you so much. I hope the same goes for you too. Xx

[CarlottaD27]

Ugh I’m so sorry you’re feeling this and you’re not alone! I also struggle with my husband not being as upset as I am, and I really make you feel very alone and like you’re a bad person, at times.

I think people who have no problems concieving just don’t get it and never will, which leads to their insensetive announcements. Although this sounds harsh, I sometimes remind myself that everyone has their struggles and whilst my friends who have easily been able to have children look like they have a perfect life to me, they will have other struggles to deal with too. Helps me feel a bit less jealous!

You’re not alone feeling like this. It’s unfair and it’s so painful x

[Citizenerased83 in reply to CarlottaD27]

Hi CarlottaD27, thank you for your message. Sometimes my husband is just as upset as me and other times less so. Think it depends on where we happen to be on our journey.

It is a very lonely place though as you say and I do hate how I end up feeling but I know that others feel the same way.

I know what you mean about other people having struggles we don't know about. I do think that infertility is such a huge one though as not being able to have a baby when you want to become a parent changes your life so significantly.

I hope it happens for you soon! Xx

[CarlottaD27 in reply to Citizenerased83]

Thank you for getting back to me, it is reassuring to hear that other people have similar experiences and ups and downs with their husband. You’re right that the fertiliry struggle can be just so all consuming as it really is (understandable so) the most important thing many people will do in life. I wish you lots of luck too and I’m totally here for a rant! X

[Citizenerased83 in reply to CarlottaD27]

Thanks lovely! Really appreciate it. X

[Becem92]

I can fully relate and I compleltey understand how your feeling.

My friend text me pictures of her 12w scan to tell me she was pregnant the day I got my period after our first failed IVF. It hit me like a ton of bricks and spent the rest of my day sobbing! I know that they are excited and it’s not their fault, but I felt so sad and felt like it was so unfair. I hate to say it but I feel like there has been distance between us since then too, even though I try to be so excited for her I have found myself making excuses when social events come up. This is just a hard journey and I think you just have to protect yourself as best you can!

Those that want to be there and stick around will be 🤍 big hugs xxxx

[Citizenerased83 in reply to Becem92]

I'm so sorry Becem92. It's so so hard. Sending you hugs. You're right about protecting yourself as much as possible. I've also avoided social situations. Sometimes your heart just needs a break from all the triggering situations.

Sending you lots of luck and baby dust. Xx

[herewego89]

It’s tough I know, but it has to be tough for announcing pregnancys also when they know their friends are struggling to conceive 😳 as there isn’t a guide on how to do it appropriately, I’ve found it abit like a dagger when friends announce their joy (feel guilty to say…) but also how should they do it? Would it feel more appropriate for them to do it face to face or one to one or text, phone call? It’s going to sting whichever way and who knows as we all respond differently and probably differently to each person even if they followed a guide on how to announce 😅🤷🏻‍♀️. Take a breath and find some peace in their joy… Who know it could be us one day 😅 xXx

[Citizenerased83 in reply to herewego89]

If I'm honest, I've only found 2 friends who've been sensitive enough to think about how I'd respond. No other friends have. I also don't think it's ok to tell someone in person on a night out with a big group of friends. It's cruel and insensitive. I know had I gone that evening, I would have burst into tears.It's not that I'm not happy for people who get pregnant but it's that complex emotions sit side by side with this and that's not easy to deal with.

I hope it is us one day - good luck on your journey xxx

[herewego89 in reply to Citizenerased83]

I have found personally I respond differently depending on which friend has announced, I know I ached more when one specific friend announced (her situation has been precarious - historic drug abuse et al) it pained me more when she fell pregnant 🥺, when my childhood bff fell pregnant I was beyond excited it could have been myself but bless her she miscarried again for the 4th time and was so pained for her loss! The emotions we feel are so real and exhausting, it probably doesn’t help where we are pumping ourselves with hormones 😅

Who knows what’s in our pipelines, need to remain strong in our weakness cheesy as that sounds!!! Sending you love and wishing you well on your journey doll 🥰

[Citizenerased83 in reply to herewego89]

So hard to deal with all those different scenarios. I agree that depending on the circumstances of someone getting pregnant it can make it harder/easier to deal with.

The hormones definitely don't help.

Everything crossed that it works for us soon. Sending you so much luck xx

[Hidden]

I’m so sorry. I feel exactly the same and I know many do on this journey. My DH never seems to feel the same way about this and can accept others news without emotion. Which does make me feel quite alone in it.

I think it’s really unforgivable for a friend who knows what you’re going through to not consider where you are in your treatment at the time, and not to consider you might need to process the news and your emotions away from a face to face encounter. My best friend was so good this year - she knew it would hurt really bad as we’d only just had our 4 th failed transfer, from our 2nd egg collection, and I knew she’d only been trying for a month or two - so she text my DH to ask how I was that week (she does have a good relationship with him too), then text me the kindest message she could saying she knew it was going to hurt and I could take time I needed and she understood if I needed to distance from her for a while etc. She also held off telling all her friends until 15 weeks because 12 weeks would have been at the time of my BFN. It’s meant I’ve actually been able to be really involved as much as I could and not felt too awful. I still cried so much for 2-3 days, and couldnt sleep, when I found out but that’s normal I think.

Others have not been so good and I’ve just felt horrendous and not been able to interact with them much since.

You’re not alone x

[Citizenerased83 in reply to Hidden]

Hey lovely, thanks for your message.I'm sorry you end up feeling alone in this all at times. It's so incredibly hard and so many complex emotions to deal with and situations to navigate.

I'm so glad that your best friend was so sensitive. That's the kind of friend we all need.

I understand about not really being able to interact with friends who've been insensitive - I feel the same.

Wishing you all the luck in your journey xx

[78-34]

A pregnancy announcement really is the hardest thing to hear or see online from friends and loved ones when you are going through this. I want you to know you are not alone in this and your feelings are normal.

Since we began our TTC journey 4 years ago none of my closest friends or family had children and in those 4 years were we have struggled 6 of my closest friends have had babies and my younger sister. the anger over the injustice that they could conceive so easily and quickly I still feel.

I don’t have any advice as I am still trying to navigate these friendships now myself but from your post it sounds like your friends really didn’t care how announcing their pregnancy in that public way would effect you especially knowing what you have been through! I feel you have every right to be upset with them over it. Have you thought about talking to them about it? Maybe explaining how hurtful and inconsiderate that was, might help them be more sensitive in the future.

For me I have cut some friends out of my life who I found to be insensitive as a way to protect myself as I shouldn’t have to deal with that pain on top of everything else. Maybe in time I will be able to reach out to them again and renew the friendships and I figured if they don’t understand how I needed to cut them out then they weren’t really true friends and I am better off without them.

I wish you lots of luck in your journey and pray you get to make your own special announcement soon 🥰🙏

[Citizenerased83 in reply to 78-34]

Hi there,

Thanks so much for your message. I really appreciate it.

Thank you also for reassuring me that what I'm feeling is normal and ok.

Oh it's so hard seeing so many people have babies and sounds like you've had to experience that a lot. I know each time, feels like a great big punch in the heart and also I think we grieve everytime for our own situation.

I did think about saying something to our friends but decided against it. I've got my next fertility clinic appt on Thursday and instead am going to focus energy on that rather than people who don't care enough about us to be sensitive. I, like you, really distance myself from people who cause hurt like that.

Thank you so much - sending you so much luck and baby dust. Xxx

[78-34 in reply to Citizenerased83]

How strange my next appointment is Thursday too! Like you I am also just trying to focus on that. Hoping the follicles are growing and we don’t face another cancellation 🙏

Good luck for your appt too x

[Citizenerased83 in reply to 78-34]

Good luck for your appointment. I really hope the follicles grow and your cycle isn't cancelled. Really hope you get to have a baby soon.

Thank you so much x

[78-34 in reply to Citizenerased83]

Was thinking of you yesterday as you had your appt. Hope everything went well 🙏

[Citizenerased83 in reply to 78-34]

Thanks so much lovely. We can start our FET cycle with a scan next week. They told me I have a problem with my blood so will need to take clexane injections from day of embryo transfer. And then aspirin if heartbeat is detected - if we get to that point. How was your appt? Xx

[78-34 in reply to Citizenerased83]

That’s great news! It sounds like you can go into it knowing everything that can be done to make it successful is being done. I am wishing so much luck and baby dust x

My appt was ok thanks for asking. There are three Follicles which is a lot of me so we didn’t have to cancel and can carry on with the injections. Just hoping they stick around and grow for the next appt on Tuesday 🤞

[Citizenerased83 in reply to 78-34]

Thanks so much lovely!! I really appreciate it. I still feel unsure about whether we made the right call about not pgta testing our embryos but hard to know what the right thing to do was.

That's good news about not having to cancel. Everything crossed for your next appointment on Tuesday. Sending you all the luck in the world. Xx

[Babyhope8]

One thing I learned in this 7 years journey of infertility is it hits different when it comes to wives and husbands. It doesn’t trigger my husband when there is pregnant woman , kids around as much as it does to me . Every once in a while at work or in personal space I see men / women randomly checking out if my belly to see m pregnant, hits me like a ton of bricks but learned to buy my lips and move on . It’s not just having to dealing with infertility it’s the whole treatments , miscarriages, tfmr’s, financial loss made me into a totally different person ( expressionless , always looking upset , hard to smile and socially distanced ) . As much as we think our journey is hard we want people to be fair when dealing with us trust me it’s totally unfair to expect from a woman who has no clue of what a struggle infertility is . Even if you tell them they won’t be able to fathom so learn to protect yourself rather than expecting someone would care for u.

[Citizenerased83 in reply to Babyhope8]

Hi, thanks so much for your message. It is incredibly triggering isn't it. I'm so sorry you have that experience at work too. That's so awful.

You're right, there are so many things like miscarriage etc that really do affect you and change you. I'm so sorry you've had so much loss to deal with and I really hope you get your miracle baby soon. Sending you lots of luck and baby dust.

I don't think it's too much to expect those closest to us to show sensitivity. I know they'll never appreciate the full horror of what we've been through but empathy can go a long way. Xx

[Ms_here]

hi citizenerased83

I’m so sorry that your friend was so insensitive. It often feels like you’re being left behind. Although, I know you don’t begrudge your friends good news, I feel your pain, longing and sadness. You want to be also sharing similar happiness and news.

I hope and pray that it happens for you soonx BW

[Citizenerased83 in reply to Ms_here]

Hi Ms_here,

Thanks so much for your message. Its exactly how I feel - left behind. Especially hard when people are moving onto their second child and you haven't had one. Why do some people get to take their babies home and others repeatedly don't? So hard.

Thank you - wishing you all the luck in the world. Xxx