I've just been so down about my infertility lately, I'm usually such a positive person but I'm finding it so hard. Everytime I get my period I feel heartbroken. Its actually taking over my life and thoughts. We've been trying for 6 years in March (straight after we got married) and not once have I ever fallen pregnant naturally. I often read couples dont have enough sex but this isnt the case for us so I'm kind of in disbelief that my body hasnt conceived naturally at least once in all these years.
I've had two laparoscopy surgeries as I have endometriosis the last being nearly 3 years ago and was told that I shouldn't have a problem as tubes look ok. I've been advised not to have another as it's not good for me and my ovaries. My AMH has dropped to 9 after a hysteroscopy to remove polyps went wrong and I got an infection on my ovary.
Just dont know where to start now, so scared of starting ivf again and it failing but want a baby more than anything. My first round of ivf I had 19 eggs collected but only 4 made it.. had one transferred and BFN as started bleeding very early. Low progesterone they thought. I then had a FET with two back in and more progesterone which resulted in chemical. Now here I am that was in Jan this year. Wasted all this time due to covid19 and me getting ill after a hysteroscopy. A recent scan showed I have 2 cysts on one ovary and one cyst on another. Can this cause huge problems?
How do all of you carry on with IVF? I've seen so many people on here who have had so many BFN and still push and carry on with IVF. How do you get the strength? It's so bloody hard 💔 I just want to forget all about it
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Littlepeax
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I feel like the ivf journey is mostly full of days with no hope then sometimes , you can manage to get a relaxed / don’t care/ maybe attitude which is prob as bright as it could feel .
But then ...... there are other days that ya can think ...... why not me? .....
The way I see it , the day you give up, is the day you won’t ever have a child.
So if somehow you can keep going, even if it’s a painful drag yourself , nose down in a puddle with thistles ....... forward ..... then there still can be HOPE..... but with a little h.
And if there’s still ‘hope’ with a little h, there’s still a chance that maybe, why not maybe..... it could be your chance.
My husband thinks we can miraculously get pregnant whilst we wait to do our last FET. ( even though he knows he has low sperm count, poor motility, weird morphology ...... 😕 ) so if HE can have stupid hope I can have little hope.
All of the happy stories on this wall come when people least expect it, so I’ve fixed my heart to not expect and just , wait and see ....how it goes.
This journey still sucks.
Some days it feels sooooooo painful and you hate the world.
And then there’s days that feel ok for now.
Hoping you can feel ok soon.
Just cry when ya feel poo, this feeling will not always be the way you feel.
Take care of yourself today , be so kind, and allow yourself to let the ache out. I find it’s easier to move forward when the ache comes out.
Here for you.
Feeling the ache too. I cried four times yesterday. Hard cries. But I think I’m allowed, because it’s really sore in my heart right now.
You are not on your own.
Hugs of complete understanding and shared pain sweet one,
You are just reading my mind. Your husband is just like mine always says that we will get pregnant naturally 😁 I didn’t ever stop him hoping, the opposite I am always Encouraging him. We only have male factor infertility and his sperm is not that bad so God knows what is around the corner. Until waiting for natural pregnancy to happen we planned our frozen transfer.
I am sure you will find the strength to carry on, it is just that day when you don’t see a solution ahead of you. Take your time, you will find the way ❤️🤗
Sorry you're struggling so much RhinoCat. I know it's to be expected but I'm still so sad for you 💔 Hope your last appointment went ok and you start to feel a little stronger day by day. I completely agree, it's important to cry when you need to cry and yell when you need to yell. (I've found myself starting to move towards wanting to smash things some days! 😱 Broke the plastic dishdrainer thing into pieces after my last AF appearance, oh dear! 😕😂 ) You're a special person, to be in such pain and still help others feel better x
I’ll be alright .......next week 🤣 feeling a bit brighter today. But this last few weeks have been hard as many of you ladies already know .
All looking ok at the last appointment . And by that I mean..... the pregnancy sack had collapsed flat ....🙁and as the surgeon said ‘all healing up nicely’. Heart stabs 😖
Hi Littlepeax, I just wanted to come on and send you some love and hugs. My fertility journey has not been good this year either and I’ve had to take some time away from this forum as I’ve started to find it all really hard. I had my 5th FET in a row cancelled 2 weeks ago 😔 I completely understand how you’re feeling, all my positivity has just been drained out of me and it makes it so hard to continue. But please don’t lose all hope, I see so many wonderful stories from ladies who have pushed on and got their miracle and that helps me to continue. We can’t be positive all the time and there is no shame in taking some time out to be sad about it all and work through your emotions. Sending you lots of love and hugs 💕xx
Thank you. I have a video consultation in a week to discuss the ‘next steps’. The doctor at my last scan discussed the possibility of transferring on a thinner lining or trying a natural FET, but I’m not sure what they’ll want to try next. I’m hoping they’ll get a new protocol in place during the video consultation and then I can try again in Nov xxx
Oh lovely, you are not alone. This "journey" (I hate calling it that as it feels like a pet name, and it doesn't deserve it!) is BULL**** - it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and every friend getting pregnant is like a knife in the back. Every BFN breaks my heart. Every period just makes a mockery of me. I hate it. But..... for me it is the only way I'll ever get pregnant now that my tubes have been clipped. So I'll carry on, no matter how hard it is, until I simply cannot take any more. I'm no stronger than anyone else, I just know this is what I have to do.
I try to take each day as it comes. There are always more tests I can have done, more tiny bits of hope in each new thing I learn. I try to enjoy the times when I'm not injecting, or on a strict diet, or PUPO, because I never know when it might be the last time I can have a glass of wine. Because ultimately, no matter how hard it is, if I didn't believe it would work I would throw in the towel right now and walk away - and have a lovely life with my husband, travelling, eating cheese and drinking wine.
So stay strong, believe, and let yourself feel whatever you need to feel to get through this.
Oh and my friend had 2 cysts on her ovaries and 3 massive fibroids in her uterus and she still managed to get pregnant. So don't give up hope. xxxx
The whole thing just sucks doesn't it.. I go through bad patches.. Really bad patches.
Thr trick to getting through it.. I wish I knew. Generally what ill do is if Im caught in a funk ill allow myself one more day to he miserable, ill cry, ill vent, ill write it all down. But ill promise myself that tomorrow Im going to do my very best to snap out of it. And ill get up and try to start with a fresh mindset.
I think i remind myself that the alternative is no baby and so I just have to keep trying.
I hope you feel better soon and just remember its natural to feel like this xo
It’s so bloody hard! I feel for you, it’s heartbreaking to read about your journey. All I can do is share things I’ve done that I’ve found helpful to cope. By far the emotional side of this journey has been the hardest for me. I found a great fertility acupuncturist which was useful for relaxation, I got into doing mindfulness & yoga, neither come naturally to me but when I can get in the zone I do feel very calm after. I really like the Calm app especially the sleep stories. I also did loads of counselling, I didn’t find family & friends easy to chat to, they’d often say or do something that would rattle around in my head worrying me, their intentions were always well placed but my mind was just super sensitive. So the privacy of speaking to a counsellor was a real safe space for me to open up & let out exactly what was rattling through my head! Having things to look forward to that are not IVF related, just simple things nothing expensive as all our money went on treatment. A walk in a new wood/forest i’d not been to before, exploring a new country walk or new town/village etc. I found doing arty/crafty things a good distraction. I took up painting over lock down with online videos, I make cards with the help of Pinterest, these activities help to switch my brain off. Having an IVF plan in place always helped too! I hope you can find your own way to cope. On the bad days, it’s ok to allow yourself to cocoon or hibernate. This is also a coping strategy so just do whatever your mind needs to cope & don’t let yourself feel guilty for doing so. You have to put you first. Wishing you all the luck in the world Xx
I totally agree! Actually one of the most helpful things for me is having a plan A and a plan B. I know at some point my plans will run out, but at the moment knowing that there is a next next step, if the next step fails, is really reassuring! xx
Ah lovely big hugs. ..I really feel your pain....all I can say is try take each day as it comes....like you I'm postive most of the time but infertility can really knock the bones out of you. I find writing my thoughts down help and yoga - but its never easy. Take the good days as they are and just accept the bad days. I wish you the very best of luck- in the end it will all be worth it ❤ X
Hey hun I was thinking exactly the same thing the other day. Why cant we have those two lines as doctors say we should be able to. But then i suppose there are so many of us with this ‘problem’ so blaming ourselves is perhaps not the way. I just cant understand how we can be unexplained and always think if they would dig deep enough we would find out. I keep trying naturally and i keep researching for answers. Lately im obsessed about immunological issues. I tell my self to take a break from all of it but who am i kidding right. X sending you many hugs you are not alone 😘 💐
I’m sorry to see this post and see that you are feeling so low.
I was you and it does get better. Keep going darling. Sometimes I used to wonder where my strength come from but we just keep finding it. Many times I have wanted to give up and then something has made me carry on. 6 year is a long time but believe me it will be worth it when you finally get your miracle. 😃
The strongest people get given the hardest battles!
Take time to have a cry, heel the best you can and dust yourself off and carry on... you can do this! You wouldn’t be where you are now if you couldn’t. Be proud of yourself and your journey.
I just wanted to send you a massive virtual hug ❤️ there will be and end to this oneday and you will look back and all of this will seem like a different life you know. you are doing all that is in your power and that's all you can do. have your sad days and cry lots, we have a right to do that! sending lots of positive thoughts to you xxx
Really sorry youre struggling Littlepeax. I've also never had a pregnancy. Not one BFP. Ever 😣 For years i wasnt actively trying as my husband didn't want children. Now we've miraculously turned things round and have been trying since Feb and I really struggle every month. So can't imagine how you feel after years of it . The stress of knowing my body won't be able to do this forever is awful. Just had AMH retested and it's 2.9 😭 Suddenly every 2ww is more and more pressured as I think 'could this be the last chance?'. We're waiting to go into IVF (again, in my case)... but no help on NHS so another 10k likely for 2 rounds. This is the other stress... this s#*t costs the earth!! I don't know how people afford it again and again. I actually feel we might make it if we had enough rounds, but how many more loans do you take out?? If you knew success was guaranteed you'd be happily in debt forever. But what if you don't get there and instead end up owing 20, 30 grand? Becomes like monopoly money 😭. My husband is confident we'll get there naturally one of these months but im losing hope at the minute. Wobbling a bit, like you. Each month is SUCH promise, you give up so much, eat like an Olympic champ, spend a fortune on supplements, opks, special lubricant, castor oil, acupuncture, herbs, probiotics and Heaven knows what else. I can't do Pregnancy tests, just find them too tough! But the alternative, just waiting for AF to show, is almost equally awful. We all feel your pain and are right there with You, hating this. Hoping tomorrow is a more hopeful day for you xxx
Hi Littlepeax, so sorry to hear you are feeling so low. I am a positive person like you, but some days, enough is enough, when will it end? How do I cope? What is the future? It is a constant battle, all I can say is, when you have been through a lot of s**t, and you find yourself at yet another hurdle f***ing hurdle, you manage to get through it, dust yourself off and face the next. You have done amazing to get to where you are now. Everytime I get bad news, I think I dont even know how to move on, I just want to live in a hole, but strange enough you do pick yourself up and keep going.
Like the other ladies say, you hold onto to the tiny little bit of hope, and wonder well it may just be me one day. I feel like you will know in your heart when enough is enough, but I strongly believe you will get there.
Thank you all so much for your lovely kind messages ♥️♥️ ♥️ it honestly means so much to me and makes me emotional. I very nearly didnt post and have been keeping most of my feelings inside. But just seeing your comments and understanding makes me think I should have spoken about my feelings sooner. What a great support network. Thank you for being so supportive Xxx
That is what I love so much about this community. We're all struggling in our own ways but we'll always support each other when it's needed!! Lots of love to you xxx
Oh Littlepeax I’m so sorry you are finding it all so tough right now. You definitely aren’t alone. It is such a gruelling process. We have also been trying 6 years and I feel your pain. Reading your words, they could so easily have come out of my mouth! It is very difficult to remain positive throughout. I think it’s important to let yourself feel all the emotions. Whilst I think it’s really hood to have a positive mindset. It’s also ok to have days when you just feel shit (sad, angry, annoyed or whatever). I have found that just allowing myself to feel these things, allows me to recover/feel better quicker than if I beat myself up about how I’m feeling. I am often up and down. But things I have found that have helped over the years have been; counselling; mindful IVF app; coming off Facebook for rough periods to avoid triggering stuff when I’m feeling fragile; distracting myself with other things; focusing on the great things in my life that make me smile - like my partner (and my cat 🐱😂); trying to take it one day at a time and not think too far ahead about the what ifs (because that’s when the panic sets in). And of course reaching out on here. It has been a huge source of support & comfort for me. It’s all about finding what works for you lovely, as I’m sure it’s different for everyone. But look after yourself and I really hope you get your happy ending very soon ❤️ Xxx
So sorry you’re finding it tough and I know what you mean about not having enough sex! It’s so frustrating I think it’s the hope that keeps you going but if anything I’ve learnt to let things go a bit and realise a lot of this is out of our control. Alice Rose is fantastic person to follow on Instagram and her podcasts are called the life raft which gives lots of ideas of just feeling more yourself and coping with this crazy journey. Here if you ever want to chat?xx
Couldn't read and run. I'm sending a big hug my love. This journey is absolutely awful. The worst, and completely unfair. And there seem to be a never ending amount of hurdles. You are so strong for everything you've gone through so far. There will be better days. I'm so sorry that you/all of us have to go through all this sh*tness. But, we've got your back. Lots of love xxxx
I’m sorry you feel so rubbish at the moment littlepeax, you’ve been through so much. I just love all the responses above 💙, so honest and heartfelt, much of it is very real to me too. It is such a rough period of our lives. I wish I could switch off the 24/7 thoughts, it’s all consuming. I do step back and think what could I achieve in life if I wasn’t obsessed with TTC 🤔 I feel like these years are kind of “lost”. Thank you everyone for your kind words shared with this group xx
I said the exact same thing to myself the other day, lost years and very consuming. But I suppose everyone has battles in life, some more than others. This is our battle ♥️
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