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Fertility Network UK
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Am I being unreasonable?

I've been trying to conceive for nearly 5 years with severe Endometriosis. I managed to conceive naturally in 2015 & 2017 but miscarried at around 7 weeks both times. I had 3 Grade 2 3 day embryos transferred on Saturday morning after our first cycle but as I've had no spotting or spotty skin as I did in my past pregnancies I'm convincing myself it's not worked. We have no frozen enbryos. At present my Endometriosis is only one cyst on my left ovary & at 41 years old I only managed to get 6 eggs which were of a fairly good quality. My husband has to work away from the end of April to mid October & during that time I'll see him for around 6 weeks so the chances of conceiving naturally are pretty slim. I want him to freeze sperm before he leaves for work so I can have another cycle of IVF in the summer. He is refusing saying wait til October. My argument is my Endometriosis could be much worse by then & my eggs 7 months older. It's leading to many arguments with him saying this cycle may have worked but I feel better if I have a back up plan in case its a BFN this time. What would you do?

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Im so sorry to hear of your miscarriages truly awful. I had one last year at 4 and a half weeks. 💔 did your clinic offer miscarriage tests? Mine do after 2. Sometimes with early losses they just don’t know 🤦🏼‍♀️

I also have endometriosis; so i sympathise with feeling on a time limit; my fertility specialist says I’m prone to it recurring it is still on my bowel ( 2 laps within 8 months 🤦🏼‍♀️) so I’ve been referred to a endometriosis specialist he knows.

I get the frustration with trying ; I’ve been 6.5 years; it’s hard when it’s been a longtime and it can feel never ending; big hugs. Going through treatment or trying for a long time in itself is stressful in itself; it’s no wonder it can cause arguments 🤦🏼‍♀️

I think the problem with men is they live in the here and now; that can be a good thing. But I’m like you I have to know there is a back up plan; it helps me feel less under pressure. Right now you don’t know it has failed; you could be worrying over something that has happened yet.I don’t think you’re being unreasonable; you want to give it your best chance and know the endometriosis won’t cause your treatment to fail. Maybe try talking him when you feel more calmer; if your hubby is anything like mine he won’t respond to nagging or being told what to do 😉 they have to feel they are included and are part of this process; it’s so focused on ladies it’ must be tough for them.

Also I think your hubby doesn’t want you to be upset and wants to protect you; sometimes that comes out wrong. His thinking could be if he’s positive then maybe you will be.They have to feel like they are the “strong ones” in this; I’ve told my husband it’s ok not to be so strong; I fall apart every appointment I’m so scared of what might get said he on the other hand is always calm!!; I generally don’t think it occurs to him what could be said 😒

Perhaps if it makes you feel better to know you could have another round of IVF in summer and makes you feel better ; hold that as your back up plan.I’m sure when all is said and done your hubby would come around; especially after the follow up appointment. Remember he wants this work as you do ❤️But right now you don’t need to cross that bridge; it might not come to that 🤷🏼‍♀️None of us know what the future might bring 🌈❤️

.Go and enjoy yourselves, go out for a meal; hold each other and appreciate each other . 💝

Anyway all the best to you xoxo 🌈💫❤️xoxo

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Thank you so much for your reply, honestly you have made me feel so much calmer. This whole process breaks my heart because I no longer recognise myself☹ . I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage too... It feels like somebody is really taking the mickey to finally fall pregnant then to miscarry. My UK hospital & GP were not very helpful after my miscarriages but I had tests carried out in Athens where we had our IVF. The Dr thinks they may have been down to blood clotting issues so I'm now on Innohep. My Endometriosis was diagnosed very late in 2010 & I've had 3 lots of surgery since. Like you, my Endometriosis returns aggressively. I think our husbands sound very similar, I panic, worry & cry before every appointment & my husband just goes with the flow. I will take your advice & talk to him when I've calmed down a little bit more 🙂. I wish you all the best for the future xx

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Did your husband say why he wants you to wait? Maybe he feels that him being there is his only involvement in everything? I can completely understand you wanting to get a back up plan so you can do a cycle as soon as possible - Im 40 and know what it feels like to think time is ticking away so no I don think you are being unreasonable however I do think you need to sit down and have a chat to try to get to the bottom of why he is so against it. Best of luck and hope you get your BFP and dont even have to think about this!xx

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Thank you for your reply. All my husband said was he think October is better to give my body a rest. I explained to him that our Doctor recommends around 2 to 3 months between cycles & I'm sure trying again in the summer would be fine. He then got angry saying I'm so negative as this cycle might have worked. I guess he is right but I also believe women have a gut feeling that more often than not is right. I'm wondering if he is so against it as on EC day he couldn't produce a sample & was taken to theatre to have his sperm retrieved. He says its not that but I don't know. I hope with all my heart you get a happy ending xx

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Ahhh I suspect he has the fear after his previous surgery. Perhaps he is also trying to be positive for you both to try to pick you up and doesnt want to appear defeatist already. Im actually just wondering if the clinic did a surgical retrieval last time did they have sperm left over that they froze anyway? Reason I ask is my hubby had to freeze sperm (as his levels are likely to decline through time) and they got 8 straws to freeze. Might be worth checking with the clinic?! Thanks for your kind words, I hope we all get our happy ending!xx

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I'm going to check with the clinic actually as well was just looking at the invoice which is all in Greek. If my translation is correct there is something for €300 which might be for storing sperm. Thanks for the tip xx

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No probs! I hope so then it means its open for you Im having treatment in Athens too, hardest language to decipher! Ha ha ha Best of luck.xx

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I like to have a back up plan but my hubbie is an optimist and would not freeze sperm until he knew whether the current cycle had worked... will he be away before you know the outcome of this cycle? Would he have time to freeze sperm if it has failed (fingers crossed it won’t)? I wouldn’t want to wait either and I would sell the idea of me doing it whilst he was away as nice for him to be away and miss the side effects!!

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The thought of him missing the side effects may just swing it in my favour! The problem I have is I stay in Greece during the winter with him & go back to England to work during the summer. I have a flight booked back to the UK next weekend so will only just know the outcome of this cycle. If its a BFN I wanted to go to the clinic in Athens together & see if he can do the freezing sperm thing. I can only change my flights by about 3 days due to work so don't have a great deal of time. My husband is definitely an optimist too! xx

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It’s all so complicated. Hopefully there may already be some stored sperm as Cinderella suggests- good luck x

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So sorry to learn about your fizzled encounters. Indeed, these are the choices of nature and you need to acknowledge them. However, upbeat of you that you didn't lose the heart. This is such an extraordinary motivation for any individual who is discouraged. This gave me to plan to carry on with the life once more. You are overaged and that is the genuine issue. Age is the central point behind a large portion of the premature deliveries. Terrible quality eggs are difficult to get treated. I think your significant other fears another disappointment so he isn't taking the risk. In this way, you'd go for surrogacy. Achievement rates in surrogacy are very high that is the reason individuals incline toward surrogacy over IVF. I'm certain about it. May GOD favour you with solid adolescents!

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Hi Gracieboos I'm so sorry to read about your miscarriages. I do not think you are being unreasonable at all but it does sound like you need to have a good heart to heart with your husband to find out what's going on and to explain to him your worries and concerns and for you to listen to his. I definitely believe after all we go through with treatments and our bodies that we know our own bodies pretty well. When anyone tells me I'm being negative, I explain to them that when you have been through all that I have been through on this long (and sometimes lonely) journey, I'm not being negative, I'm being a realist (maybe it's my way of coping with things, and I'm usually right 😊) My husband works away and we currently have sperm frozen as a back up plan with his consent to use it in his absence should I need to. I must admit and ive said it before on here, I definitely think it helped me when he was working away when we had our first cycle. He was away for the first 2 weeks of the start of my cycle and made it home in time for egg collection (and to produce a fresh sample even though we had the frozen). I feel like for us as a couple, he didn't have to put up with my moods/emotional state although I could and would talk to him at anytime of the day about it all. I was happy just to be left to get on with it. I wasnt at work every day so on my days off, if I wanted to sleep, rest or eat, I did it all when I wanted without having to consider anyone else or worry that I am being a nightmare. I would do it all again the same way if I had a choice. But ultimately you have to do what's right for you as a couple. Good luck xx

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Thank you for your reply. I have had a good chat with my husband, changed my flights for a later date so if I do get a BFN next week we can go to the clinic together & plan what to do next. He said he just wishes I wasn't so negative but as you say its being a realist. I've not called the clinic yet to see if they have a sample frozen from him but he has said he will provide one if not. I think maybe I've excluded him slightly from the IVF process & bottled things up & now its come to a head. Pretending I'm much stronger than anything am is one of my major flaws. I think should we need another cycle I would also be happy to be left to get on with it. Sending best wishes to you xx

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