Hello wonderful people šI hope you're all doing ok whatever part of the journey you're on. I'm going to start my second long protocol next month with very low AMH and having been told my egg quality is so low that success is unlikely with my own eggs. (I can get pregnant but I just can't keep it š„)
This brings me onto donors. I genuinely held so much hope of having my own family it has just never crossed my mind that I'd need to use a donor. I am really struggling with the idea (which is weird as I have been really keen to adopt - but my partner isn't) but I don't know how I feel about potentially carrying a baby for 9 months with all the stress and worry that entails (having lost them before) then giving birth to a baby that isn't genetically mine.
I've also read up that you have to give your child the donor details so they're able to get in touch if they'd like?! This was a UK site (as I always search UK as everywhere is different)
This post absolutely isn't intended to offend anyone btw. This is a personal battle right now and I'm genuinely keen to hear if anyone had felt the same and continued? Was there any research or advice you found useful?
I think a lot of this stems from my partner as he's not emotionally supportive and he'd likely have the bigger issue. I am so desperate for a family and I'm about to turn 39 so I don't really feel like I've got a lot of time to decide.
Thanks for reading my ramblings and sending love to all xxx
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DogMum7
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I decided to use donor eggs due to my age. I wanted to use a refund guarantee program and significantly lessen the chance of the risks of birth defects. I also didnāt want to spend lots of money, time and emotion trying with my own eggs with such a low chance of success. It was also very important to me to be able to carry a child.
For me it came down to the fact that I wanted to be a mum and how could I best achieve that goal.
I also thought about people who take the wrong baby home from the hospital. They bring up that child with unconditional love and have no idea the child is biologically not theirs. So itās just that I know this is the case. Sorry if that sounded a but random!
My daughter came from a bunch of cells that without me would not have grown and developed into the little snoozing sleep thief thatās currently snuggled up on me at 6.30am, whoās just given me the biggest smile that says hi mama, youāre the centre of my universe! š
Have you read about epigenetics? That may help you.
I used a Spanish clinic and so, unlike the UK, donors are completely anonymous. My preference for this was partly selfish as sheās mine as far as I am concerned, but also if she was able to contact them when sheās older, what if they refused? That would surely have a very negative impact on a child.
For me it was a fairly easy decision, but I understand why others struggle, so o am hoping some of my ramblings above are of any use to you š
After 5 OE retrievals and failures I switched to DE. I was tired and wanted a family. I wanted to try everything. I was open to the idea as I believe being a mum or a parent is about raising a child regardless of genetics. I am currently pregnant -the only positive pregnancy test I ever had- and this baby is mine. I don't think I could feel more love even if she had my genes.
Yes sometimes I felt a bit sad that my child won't be able to see their characteristics in me, the way I see that I have same hair type with my mum, same shape of fingers etc. Or the other way around. I plan to be open with my child about their conception from start and work through any issues like this.
I would recommend joining the donor conception network before deciding or accessing counselling. There are books like "three makes a child" you can read to help you explore more how you feel.
DE is something iāve considered for a good 6 months now.
We get blasts .. the quality just isnāt there. Weāve just had our 6th cycle but first with pgta and only got one complex mosaic. Weāve agreed to do one more and then transfer what we have. If we donāt have success with OE then iāve accepted that iāve done absolutely everything imaginable to try and improve my egg quality. Sometimes itās braver to walk away than to keep going when itās probably never going to work.
This journey has absolutely broken my husband and I. For us itās be parents or donāt and the thought of never being a mum breaks my heart into 10000 pieces.
Weāre having treatment in Greece and our consultant is a big believer in epigenetics. An egg is just a cell.. you will be growing that baby, feeling it move, kick, giving it life, energy, nutrition and love. That baby is yours xx
Thereās a really lovely verse iāll attach about DE and itās so true xx Good luck xxx
Thank you so much. I really think I'll come round to it, my partner is struggling with it somewhat more. The more I hear and read the more it feels right as I'm in exactly the same boat. I just haven't got the quality xx
Sorry to jump in here as well, but my partner was unsure at first and he found talking to the DCN really helped him reframe his thoughts. Also just explaining that you will be carrying the baby, your body feeding it, giving it oxygen, keeping it safe. Give your partner time to think about this.
Remember we may feel like infertility is a failure, but it is an illness, that you need a little help with. If we needed a donor kidney we wouldnāt hesitate. (Sorry if thats a bit over the top)
Another thing i kept saying to my husband was reminding him how much we love our dog, who we would be lost without, and how much he loves my niece and nephew who he isnāt genetically related too. Families are unique and love comes from connection.
I fully believe no one should be forced or rushed into it, it is very personal but these are just the things that helped us discuss it as a couple.
Itās a really hard decision. Our consultant asked us last year if we thought of donorā¦ I said yes and he screamed no.
He kept saying I want a baby with you. But iāve read lots of research and 50% of the DNA is the sperm, 25% the egg donor and 25% you.
In the end I had to sit my husband down and say I cannot do this anymore.. physically & mentally itās too much for me. Itās not the men who do all the injections, itās not the men who have their vagina prodded and poked & itās not the men who are covered in bruises. So I think really it shouldnāt be up to them when we have decided enough is enough.
Maybe your husband should have a little read around donor conception and epigenetics.. may help him change his opinion. Xx
My story is similar - 5OE retrievals, 7 embryos transferred and lots of heart ache. Iām now mum to an amazing 6-month old boy, conceived using donor egg & I cannot imagine loving any baby any more than I love him. I also do not regret using DE for one moment as I wouldnāt have this amazing baby with my eggs, Iād be mum to someone different.
We will be telling him about his genetics from a young age as research suggests thatās the best way using all the resources from the donor conception. We also used an anonymous donor from a spanish clinic as it was a quicker process (& with dna ancestory tools online, I imagine they could still be found if wanted).
If you look through some of my previous posts, youāll see this was not a decision I took lightly & it took a long time to come round to. I always thought if OE ivf didnāt work, Iād adopt but I almost became obsessed with carrying a child in the process of so many OE fails. Iām so glad I did it though, as I loved being pregnant.
Above all, Iāve always believed that families come in all shapes and sizes, with human babies, fur babies or no babies. Whatever choice you make will be the right one.
That's amazing and huge congratulations š Out of interest do you ever worry the child will be resentful or you'll get hurt if they want to meet their donor parent?It's mad, my mum is adopted and literally couldn't have been less bothered, she didn't look for her genetic mum until her own mum had passed (at 102) but it was too late unfortunately. But then my mum is an amazing person and I worry with the environment for children nowadays there is a lot more sense of entitlement and it could be held against me. I know this probably sounds insane I'm sorry, it's just a realisation has hit that this could be the only way and I want to ensure I'm mentally capable of dealing with it xx
I mean, heās definitely going to resent me for something! I am his mam after all š Jokes aside, I just hope honesty, love, and explaining why we did what we did would be enough. I also would support them in trying to find his donor parent if he wanted to (through ancestory dna type service). There were some studies published on donor egg kids by researchers at Cambridge and most showed donor conceived kids were as well adjusted as other kids.
hello, I am in a similar situation to you, i am 39 and can get pregnant but canāt carry past ten weeks. Ivf has produced no blastocysts. I found it really hard to get those positive tests and then move to DE, there will always be part of you that will wonder if that next pregnancy will be the healthy one.
However, the mental health of my partner and I has taken over, as well as my physical health as i canāt face the terror of my previous miscarriages again. Plus to be blunt, we canāt afford to keep paying for unsuccessful treatment.
my husband and I joined the Donor Conception Network and also read lets talk about egg donation, we have had private calls with volunteer donor parents through DCN and attended group calls. It has all really helped me. We do all this together so we both get the benefit and can chat about it all.
In terms of selecting a donor, this is very personal. I have seen the damage that my mom experienced when she couldnāt find her biological parents and so I wanted there to be access to information for a child. Of course, I imagine that would be hard for me, but I donāt personally see it as my decision, the child will become an adult with their own feelings. But everyone choice is their own, and that choice for me is because of my family's prior experience and the impact it had on myself as a child. There are lots of factors that feed into this decision, for example i believe wait times in the uk can be longer but i cannot travel abroad due to my job.
I am basing my donor selection on close as i can get characteristics and although iād love to read info on the donor that resonates with me, iām not putting too much weight on that. Iām not looking for an exact match, simply due to time and i believe no matter how close the match, they wont look like me (would of course be delighted to be proven wrong but i donāt want false illusion) and i believe their personality will come from my husband and i anyway, how we raise them etc.
the arcitect words that have been shared in another post are so great, you will be their mom, you will grow and nurture them. When I spoke with one of the DCN volunteers and i asked about these concerns she said ānoone else is coming to be her mom, no one is stepping in, its meā and those obvious and clear words really stuck with me. Yes we might need a cell to get going, but there is no other mom xx
This is such an incredible response thank you so much!! Does the donor network explain legal rights etc? I have this horrible fear of someone donating then in 10 years maybe not having their own children and coming searching... I think I'm losing the plot š„ xx
Yes the DCN have all the legal info, but honestly they are so helpful, I literally read every bit of their website and now i pay a monthly subscription, its only about Ā£7. They honestly will do so much to help you. And speaking to the individual volunteers on teams has been great and not at all awkward. They have most likely felt how you felt and are on the other side. Even if speaking to people helps you decide that its not for you, then it has still been worthwhile. Your clinic will also explain all of the legal information too.
When you select your donor, you will usually know if they already have children of their own, so that could be one of your preferences. It is a preference for my husband and I. But a preference, not a must.
Its so normal to feel like you are losing the plot. Donāt be hard on yourself, it is a big decision. I found i would feel fine with it, then iād just be driving to work and bam, another worry would come into my mind. It is normal.
Remember you are in a unique sutuation, our friends who easily have children, probably never ever thought about genetic history or whose eye colour will they have etc. Our unfortunate situation forces us to overthink and that is so so draining and steals enjoyment. It is really hard, so donāt beat yourself up.
Good luck, drop me a message if i can help in any other way. I have found things quite lonely on this fertility journey so iām happy to help if i can x
Sorry to hear you're going through this. We considered donors and, yes, in the UK the donor doesn't stay anonymous. I learnt that this is for good reason, however. Studies have shown that not having the option of finding out who their biological parent is (regardless of whether they go ahead with it or not) negatively affects the child. Plus there's things they may need to know in the future about family health issues. This made sense to me honestly. I mean if my mother used a donor egg I'd probably still like to know some basic information about the donor, such as their interests and name.
We are now in the opposite position where our last cycle worked and we have our baby and several PGT-A tested embryos in the freezer. We plan to go try again in the future for a sibling and if we are successful, we plan to donate the embryos we have left to other couples. If that was to happen, I wouldn't consider myself the mother of those children. Whoever brings them in the world and looks after them would be their parent.
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