After a failed ivf in dec, miscarriage in Feb and then 2nd miscarriage in May. We are going down the donor egg route.
Feeling very scared about it all. All the what if’s!
We have been lucky enough to find a donor who is also a member of my family. I keep going between thinking this is great at least the baby will still have my family genes to thinking will it be weird knowing my donor! Will I accept the baby as mines or will I see it as theirs!
I know deep down I will love this baby with everything I’ve got but what if I can’t accept that it’s mines! If someone handed me a baby in the street I know I’d care for it and love it so having a donor egg is an even better option cause I’ll experience all the pregnancy stuff I’ve been longing to have!
I’m just scared in case my brain can’t handle it even tho my heart is desperate for it.
I hope this makes sense! Any advice is welcomed 💕
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Maroon12
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After we had numerous rounds/miscarriages, we asked the consultant to be straight with us with the chances with my eggs...10% vs DE 50%, but he did add that miscarriage could still happen..
Close friends offered to be an egg donor (they were over 35 anyway, so couldn’t have done it) and on hubby’s side he has a relative who has donated eggs to clinics previously. Initially I thought it would be nice to know that the egg came from a friend or family, so there would be a link, but then I thought how comfortable would I feel when we visiting them with baby, would they be judgemental. It would be hard for them too surely, would they want to know more about what’s going on etc.
We used a clinic through access fertility in the end, with a donor we only know from their paper description, but we picked them on matching us as a couple.
In your head, you do think, will I struggle knowing it’s not my egg, but as soon as you have a donor you are invested in them emotionally to help get your miracle dream. You become protective and as worried at egg collection and receiving the day progress calls, you connect with the embryo photo on transfer day and you long for success during the 2WW.
We had 11 eggs collected and only 1 to transfer and none to freeze. We are now just over 25 weeks pregnant and this is our baby that I’m growing.
Even the friends and family who knew we were considering DE haven’t asked if that’s what we decided, they have all been told it was IVF.
A consultant once said to us, some couples genes just don’t work together to produce a successful baby, you have to think about the most effective way to get your baby without destroying your marriage under the stress you go through and bankrupting yourself....
It’s an interesting decision, but you will get there x
We have a little boy that’s from a DE in Cyprus and I don’t see him as a DE he’s all mine 😊
I think I prefer no knowing the Donor though personally like the person above. But if that fits better with you go for it! It was truly the best decision we ever made and I can’t imagine my life without him 😍
Before we even started with my own eggs I was told there was a less than 2% chance with my own eggs. Coming to terms with donor egg IVF was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Wondering if I’d love the baby, see the baby as mine, what if it knew, didn’t bond, wouldn’t forgive me etc.
Currently I’m writing this and breastfeeding my beautiful little dot. Even though I had an emotionally hard pregnancy, I grew her. And believe me... when you’re pushing her out during labour? You know she’s yours. ❤️
I still have moments when I look at her, or people say she looks like her daddy, that I miss that genetic link. But genetics schmenetics. When my baby wants her mama? She wants nothing else in the whole world. If the donor walked in the room? She wouldn’t know. Breastfeeding was THE most important thing I wanted to conquer. I believed it would be a bond between us that only we had. And I know donor egg babies who aren’t breastfed; their mummy is still the most important person!
Have you read the book “having your baby through egg donation “? It’s very good and available on Amazon.
Well done for making one of the hardest, yet bravest decisions a woman can ever make. Battling with knowing your body doesn’t function right and then accepting someone else’s eggs is not easy.
Sending big love and wishing you all the luck in the world x
We have an 18 month old who is DE and I simply could not love her anymore(Donor is unknown to as as went through a clinic).
My sister did offer to be our donor but for me I didn’t want to, as it would feel weird my sister and hubby having my baby. Once pregnant and certainly born you forget all the ivf/de stuff and live is just normal (I can only speak for ourselves) just look into all your options and do what’s right for you xx
Firstly you need space to grieve not using your own eggs. Moving to donor was the best thing I’ve ever done. You will grow that baby and research shows you have a unique impact on the baby. You alone switch on certain genes, imagine a blueprint for a house, you build it like no one would , google epigenetics for a full explanation. So don’t worry about loving the baby, 9 months growing inside you will ensure it!!
One word of caution, every study shows telling your child early about their origins is a must. Read the stories on the donor network- so the baby will know it’s your family friend, they might want to get close to them, is your friend prepared for that? We used a donor that she can trace when she’s 18, and we plan to start telling her when she’s 4, so she always knows.
Personally I don’t think you are ready, both you and your friend have to go into this eyes open.
One last thing, it’s not a miracle cure, you still only have a 40% chance of a live birth, so be prepared for that also
Hello Maroon. Frankly speaking, I am against donors among relatives or friends as I couldn't live knowing that. It would be much harder then if I didn't know the donor. I went for ICSI with donor eggs and glad that it is anonymous. So if you are thinking about this on such an early stage, you, probably won't handle it then.
In any case, it is your life and your decision. What does your husband say about it?
He’s all for it he likes the relative and she is the kind of person who wouldn’t intrude and we don’t see her that often. She doesn’t want her own family but would like to do something useful with her eggs and wants to gift me this experience. Thanks for ur comments
I think you are extremely lucky to have someone like this in your life. She is giving you her own eggs! I am not sure I would do it for someone else...
I’m currently 34 wks pregnant with egg donor, I know how your feeling my sister offered me to use her eggs but personally it didn’t feel right to me and I wasn’t sure if I would be able to accept they were mine , also I didn’t know if it would be awkward for my sister when we got together, I also worried if there was any discrepancies between my sister and I in the future. I feel much more content using a donor as their is no link between us and it really does not bother me that they are biologically not mine as you said I’ve still carried her and given birth to her. Everybody's views are different and you have to do what you feel is right for you. I can see how using family gives comfort to some . This was my personal preference when considering an egg donor. I am sure you will love them unconditionally either way. I wish you all the best in your IVF journey.
I went through the same issues in my mind. From experience, I can say that the moment you get a BFP you forget everything else. What matters to you is the baby growing inside you. The feeling that you will be bringing a new life to this world is beautiful. I wish you all the best in your IVF journey.
Tbh I went straight to donor eggs, as I had a much better chance of success. My clinic only gave me basic details but I was happy with the match, if its successful. I will just see it as my child.
Thank you! All ur comments have really helped I feel much better about things. Defo not giving up and I know it’s the best way forward for us xx
We are using DE from my younger sister. Initially when I considered using DE I thought it might be weird, but then I read having your baby through egg donation and it talks a lot about the experience for the child when growing up and that changed my mind. I felt it would be better for the child to grow up without the mystery of wondering where they came from/did they really belong but rather always knowing and it always being a part of their story. Both me and my sister felt that she was giving us some cells we need rather than that the baby would somehow be hers.
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