Struggling

[Purplecat1984]

Hi all, hope everyone’s doing as well as possible. I’ve not written a post quite like this before but am just really struggling at the moment. I’ve got a really low AMH. First ICSI cycle was cancelled due to no response, second one was cancelled due to the Covid situation, and we’re hoping to start again in the next few weeks. Has anyone found that during lockdown it’s been easier to cope in some ways but now that we can mix with people more you’re finding it harder? Not being able to see my friends who all have babies has been good in making me feel less rubbish for a while, and I have been more in my own little bubble, but now I’m starting to see them I’m feeling terrible again. It’s not that I’m not happy for their situations but it just brings home the possibility that we may never have what they have. I saw a friend last night and turns out she and another mutual friend with a baby are meeting today, and it seemed they never even thought to invite me. I feel in a way I’m being pushed out but in a different way this is almost what I want to avoid having to see anyone. Sorry if this doesn’t make any sense. Does anyone have any advice on how to cope? I don’t want to lose my friends, but equally I don’t think they understand my situation and being around them is painful at the moment. Sending much love and luck to you all xx

[louladxb]

Dearest Purplecat,

Firstly, sending you lots of love and I completely understand! lockdown was a way of making the world stop, it did make things easier as nothing was in our control, so many 1st birthday parties, baby showers i didnt have to go to but now they are back! In fact I have "gender reveal" party on Wed i am still debating if i am strong enough to go.

My new mummy friends do tend to catch up more and not always include me, i dont think they really know what to say to me...but at the same time they have said before they thought I would find it boring! They think my life is glamorous as I have time to have my nails done, go for cocktails and not covered in baby sick and had no sleep (but i would swap that in a heartbeat!) .

I think for me coping is a case of taking things day by day, the day after my IVF failed, I cancelled seeing my friend and 6 week old baby... I may or may not go to the gender reveal Wednesday. Be kind to yourself, do what makes you feel good on that day and make no commitments. Its tough and I wish I had some more answers for you xxx

[Purplecat1984]

Hi louladxb, thank you so much for your kind reply! It really is tough isn’t it. I think you’re right and it’s a day by day thing and maybe it’s a case of accepting that sometimes we have bad days and that’s ok. I think today is one of my bad days and I’m feeling particularly sensitive. That’s great advice though, thank you. Whatever you decide with the gender reveal should be the right thing for you, and it’s great you’re not putting pressure on yourself to go-see how you feel. I think my friends probably think I’m strong as I don’t always open up about how I’m feeling so maybe that is partly the problem, but equally I don’t want to be talking about it all the time as I don’t feel sorry for myself as such and don’t want to seem like I do! Some days I guess we do cope better than others but we don’t always have control over our feelings, and hormones don’t help!

Thank you again and I wish you all the very best with your journey xxx

[Love_the_mountains]

Hey - your feelings are completely normal. I have been there and can imagine I would have felt exactly the same in this lockdown situation. I just wanted to give you some hope and try not to focus too much on your low AMH - like you I found out last year I had an AMH of 3.5 at 32. I then turned 33 and was about to start IVF, as we had tried for almost 3 years naturally with no luck. Got rejected by NHS so went private. Was told by consultant (who specialised in low AMH) due to low AMH I probably wouldn’t respond well to the drugs and would probably take me 3 times longer to respond than someone with a normal AMH. Anyway we had nothing to lose and I arranged to start ASAP. Was about to pay the money and found out I was pregnant!!! I am now 32 weeks. Believe me I never thought it would happen and had begun to prepare myself mentally that I may never achieve my dream of being a mother. Don’t give up!! Keep trying naturally if you can (depending on your husbands genetic situation) and be prepared maybe it may take a few rounds of ivf. It only takes 1 egg, that’s all you need. My friend is also proof of this - low AMH and got 1 egg on 3rd round which led to a successful pregnancy. I would strongly advise you see a low AMH specialist if you aren’t under one already - there’s a few people that can recommend someone on here if you search low AMH hope. Another good example of a case on here is country mouse. Search low AMH hope. With regards to seeing your friends with kids - I remember how painful that was and will never forget any of those feelings. Way I dealt with it was to find the balance - show face enough to maintain the friendships but also not to be afraid to not attend things either when you know something will really affect you. I actually felt a lot better once I told them what was going on and they were a great support, but I was very selective as to who I told. It wasn’t easy but I do think these things helped and contributed to me eventually falling pregnant as I could finally let go a bit and accept situation better without added stresses. Keep strong and keep fighting, it’s not over yet!! xxx

[Purplecat1984 in reply to Love_the_mountains]

Hi Love_the_mountains, thanks for your lovely reply and huge congratulations! 😊 That must have been such a wonderful surprise and it does give me hope. I will do some searching on here and trying to keep the balance with friends sounds a good idea. All the very best for the rest of your pregnancy and beyond! Thanks again xxx

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi Purplecat. So sorry to hear that you are having some wobbly moments, which is quite understandable. In a way, lock down has protected lots f us from seeing babies and bumps, when we so want to be in that category. Don't know where all these meet ups are, as we are only supposed to meet with one more household to number 6 in total , including your household - in a garden or park etc.??? If you feel talking to a counselor might help, there is a charity called the "British Infertility Counselling Association". All they counsel are people with all fertility problems and their relationships while going through investigations and treatment cycles - and afterwards if necessary. There is a charge, and you have to access them online at bica.net have a look and see what you think. Look towards starting your new cycle, which is not too far away now. I shall be thinking of you. Diane

[Purplecat1984]

Hi Diane, thanks for your reply, that’s really helpful. Meet ups have just been with one other household but thinking about it the friends who are meeting today quite rightly shouldn’t include me to keep with the rules, I hadn’t thought of that! I have access to a counsellor with my clinic so may try them first but will bear in mind the charity. Thanks again x