Fertility Network UK
13,135 members21,249 posts

Anyone else feel lonely?

Been TTC for 2 years and waiting to start IVF in a few weeks. During the past 2 years I’ve watched most of my friends become Mums whilst I’ve been suffering deep heart ache during our TTC journey. My friends are now starting to have their second babies, most of which have conceived in the first month of trying again. Every pregnancy announcement feels like a stab in the heart to the point where I now break down in tears. I feel like screaming sometimes! I’m finding myself avoiding seeing these friends as it’s just too painful to see their bumps and joy. Does anyone else feel like this or have any advice on how to cope with this situation better? Thank you xx

31 Replies
oldestnewest

Hello, I’m in the same boat. We have our consent appointment at the end of the month, have been trying for 2 and a half years of which 18 months has included fertility appointments. Some days I feel okay and confident and then others I am riddled with anxiety about it not working. I see so many miscarriages on here and I don’t feel emotionally strong enough to go through what so many women have endured. I want to try and know the outcome ASAP so I can come to terms with having a family or not just so this constant anxiety doesn’t exist. I keep thinking, no kids = no money worries, nice holidays, nice car but in my heart I want nothing more than to have a family. So hard for my husband as it is his sperm which is of low count. I too watch friends get pregnant from romantic date nights and this life just feels all so medical :-( Hope when you start it all goes well, I think this forum helps a lot X

2 likes
Reply

I feel the same. A lot of the time I think I’m doing well but then I’m told of yet another pregnancy/birth announcement and it brings everything home; I’m flooded with emotions all over again. It’s a hellish rollercoaster, so much stress and uncertainty is involved - a time when you need your friends the most yet at the same time don’t want to see them! I hope everything goes well for you too 🤞 this forum definitely helps, connecting with people who are in the same boat and know how you feel makes me feel a lot less isolated. There’s lots of positive stories on here too 🌈✨ xx

1 like
Reply

I feel this way, it’s such an empty feeling. Yesterday I was just moody and today I’ve decided I’ve had enough of feeling like this. I don’t know what to do, I just wish I could be fixed. Drs just don’t have a clue about the emotional impact. I have grieved over this for too long and I want change I just don’t know how to start changing the way I think xx

2 likes
Reply

Sorry to hear that, it’s horrible isn’t it! Have you heard of the “calm” app? I’ve found it really helpful, there are lots of guided meditation programmes etc on there which teach you how to deal with your emotions, your outlook etc xx

1 like
Reply

I agree ! That app has helped me a lot X

Reply

Yes! I think that rather than being jealous of my friends, I feel a bit lonely and left out because I don’t know what it’s like to be a mummy.

I’m just not in the club and I can’t talk about sleepless nights and labour and the feeling of unconditional love.

I don’t know what the answer is, I don’t know how to overcome it, I just feel the same 😔. Sending hugs xx

5 likes
Reply

This year I have had 4 relatives who have given birth and 2 pregnant friends. Even though I am so overjoyed for them and love to spend time with the little ones...With every month of disappointment I feel more and more pressure . And I know it’s wrong but I feel disappointed in myself 😢

I also feel so alone because I don’t want to tell anyone because I cannot deal with the pity looks 😔

I got married a year ago and now all people seem to ask is ‘ANY GOOD NEWSSSS?’

NO THERES NO GOOD NEWS!!!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭 (aaand breathe)

But keep your chin up ! And just know that you’re not alone in this x No words help i know 😔 I’m sorry x big hugs to all xx

3 likes
Reply

I know exactly how you feel. It's so hard as you want to feel happy for them but your own emotions get in the way. As has already been mentioned, meditation is great! You may have already read it but there is a book called "Dare to dream" by Izzy Judd. I would really recommend reading it. All her feelings completely resonate with anyone going through ivf and she mentions how eventually she changes her mindset on how to view other people's pregnancy news. Good luck with everything :) xx

1 like
Reply

I agree, that book is amazing! Izzy has been so brave to open up and publicise their story. I’m sure it has helped so many women and couples facing similar battles. Good luck to you too xx

1 like
Reply

Hi, I too know exactly how you feel. We've been ttc for just over a year and a half and had our first gynae appointment this week (where the doc didn't show a flicker of emotion).... More tests, followed by 6 months of clomid, then ivf (which would make it feb/March next year). My husband is positive now that there's a 'plan' but I just can't shake my negative /desperate attitude as the road still feels so long when all of my friends keep announcing their pregnancy's, I literally have only a couple of non pregnant friends left! On that note, I try and see friends with their babies one on one, I find it much easier than in group situations, that way you don't have to listen to them all talk about babies and the conversation is on your terms. Good luck everyone 🤞 🤞 xxx

2 likes
Reply

I second that. Although I love seeing my friends, I find myself with nothing to contribute when in a group as they are all talking about babies and their experiences and I'm there listening out for something I can relate to so I can join in. They don't mean to not include me at all, and usually one of them will realise it's been half an hour and I've said nothing or just made verbal nods or laughing along (not for want of wracking my brains to think of something I can add!!) They usually acknowledge and change the subject for me, which is both nice and awkward at the same time, as it further highlights that i'm the only one who can't share their experience and I end up feeling isolated. I've also decided to try and see friends and babies one to one and found it so much easier to deal with and feel closer to them that way. I'm glad its not just me, it's a tough journey as it is, and feeling isolated makes it that much harder! x

1 like
Reply

1 100% know how you feel

I've come off social media to avoid it all (& actually don't miss it at all!)

And even messaged all my girlfriends asking them to not send me scan pics / pics of their kids unless I specifically ask first. Bar one friend who now refuses to see me (she has a "perfect" life) they've been amazing & so supportive

Its so so difficult to go through this. I have unexplained infertility so its doubly frustrating as I don't know what's "wrong"

I've been TTC for 6 years so its just me & two other friends "left" that don't have children. And those two aren't going to "start trying" until next year. And there's no doubt in my mind they'll just fall pregnant easily / naturally. I'm the only one in my friendship group that is broken.

Its so lonely. And even family don't understand as they haven't been through it

2 likes
Reply

I’ve felt exactly the same. It’s really hard when everyone around you seems to just get pregnant when they want to and are all talking about parenthood constantly. I found I had to try to not compare myself with them and accept that I’m on a different path at the moment. I found online forums useful sometimes, although some were a bit bitter and I desperately don’t want to become like that.

The biggest thing I’ve learnt through all of this is that even though I can’t change the situation I can change how I feel about it. A year ago IVF seemed unthinkable and terrifying to me, but I’ve just finished my first cycle and I managed just fine, and if I have to do it again I know I will. I have also learnt to take things one step at a time and just focus on the next hurdle, whether it is an appointment or scan or procedure, rather than fretting about things in the distant future like “what if I have 3 cycles of IVF and it doesn’t work?” that I can’t control.

Fortunately this cycle has been successful so far. I’m only 5 weeks so don’t want to count my chickens yet though.

It’s great that you’re starting IVF soon! I reckon once you get started you’ll probably feel a bit better because you have a focus and are taking some action. I found the mindful IVF app really good - you could download it and try it now, as there is a preparation bit to it. Best of luck.

3 likes
Reply

That’s amazing news, congratulations! I will keep my fingers crossed for you that everything goes smoothly 🤞🤞 Thank you so much for your advice, it really does make a difference when it comes from people who fully understand. I will definitely give that app a try. How did you keep a positive mindset during IVF? Was it just by taking things one step at a time like you said and not letting yourself get carried away by negative thoughts? Xx

Reply

This app looks like just what I needed, thank you so much 🙏🏻 x

Reply

The things I found that helped me were: planning some enjoyable things to do during treatment, so that I had things to look forward to and life wasn’t purely about injections and appointments etc; doing creative things such as crocheting and colouring in waiting rooms or other times when I might end up mulling things over; keeping a diary each day; ticking off every dose of medication to help me feel proud of myself; listening to hypnotherapy tracks (I had the IVF belief CD); making sure I went for a walk at least once a day; drinking plenty - good for blood tests and for avoiding constipation when on progesterone. But also accepting that I was probably going to have some rubbish moments and that it was ok. Obviously I have been v lucky to become pregnant first cycle, so it is easier for me to look back and say it wasn’t so bad. But genuinely I didn’t find it too bad physically, and the hardest bit was the wait at the end. I hope everything goes really smoothly for you and you’re lucky first time too, but even if you are not then you are not alone

1 like
Reply

Thank you so much. I feel like I’m struggling at the moment (probably apprehension as our start date draws closer) so this advice has really helped, thank you. Best wishes with everything to you too x

Reply

Hi Rose, I feel like that too. I think the most soul destroying bit is the waiting. We waited a year for the NHS and haven't even had a yes or no we'll fund you. So we decided to go it private and got a 100% refund 3 cycle package from Access. It's a lot of money but we want a baby so what better cause to spend it on right? Currently in our first cycle on stims.

In the meantime though I've got literally 2 friends left who are childless because they are single. And I've become a proper recluse. I've stopped going to parties and events because it's just a baby fest every time. A lot of my friends are having second babies now and like you said it just happens immediately and easily for them. Probably the most disappointing friend was one who also suffered from infertility but was lucky enough to conceive from IUI. She acts like she has forgotten all about her struggles and I can't be around her at all.

I get far too upset from all the insensitive comments and thoughtless remarks that I pretty much don't see friends any more and it's incredibly lonely. I go in a panic every now and then that I won't have any friends left at the end of this journey but you know what I'm becoming a different person through this and maybe I'm outgrowing my old circles. Life is what it is and we have to play with the cards we are dealt. I don't want to be bitter but I definitely have been marked by a lot of events that make me different from people who haven't.

This journey forces you to do a lot of soul searching and thinking about life. Maybe we're the lucky ones because we learn to confront our darkest fears and get stronger because of it. And maybe just maybe we'll learn incredibly gratitude through this journey and find more meaning in life. Mostly when things come too easily humans don't value them. But we'll know the value of a healthy baby when it does happen to us. And if it doesn't we'll still have fulfilled lives but in a different way to our pregnant friends who never had to even waste a thought on how easy things happened for them.

I for one know that this journey has already made my OH and me so much closer and there's no doubt in my mind, or his, that baby or no baby we'll be together forever. I love him to the moon and back and that love is a miracle already.

Hope you and all you ladies out there have a wonderful Easter weekend.

Lots of baby dust to you all xxx

5 likes
Reply

I agree with what you say Kaylon and really like how you look at our situation as maybe having unexpected positive outcomes - I try to look at it like this too (when I’m feeling up to it!) xxx

Reply

I totally agree too, well said Kaylon x through a lot of soul searching over these past 2 years I’ve learnt to realise that there is some collateral beauty to this hellish journey. You really do learn about the value of love, real friendship, gratitude and to not sweat the small things in life. Good luck everyone xx

1 like
Reply

Yes. Every. Single. Day. Sometimes I think even my OH doesn’t know how much I’m hurting on the inside and it’s not like I don’t share! Men are just wired differently I think. I’ve seen so many friends, family, OH’s friends; even my ex hubby have babies, some two, since we’ve been ttc in the last three years. We’ve lost two babies. It is a very lonely feeling, feeling like you don’t belong, like you’ll never fit in again; that you’ll have nothing in common with all these people in your life if you don’t have your own children xx

1 like
Reply

I’m so sorry to hear how you’re feeling and yes it’s all too familiar to me. I’ve been ttc for three years and have recently come to the decision that we won’t do more treatment for the time being. I’m actually starting to feel better now and can spend some time with friends families but there was a very long time where I absolutely couldn’t. In terms of what helped me - meditation absolutely as others have said. I use the insight timer app. I discovered yoga about 18 months ago and that’s been a big life saver. Me and my partner did counselling so we could communicate better as I felt as others have said, that he didn’t understand or share my pain. Turns out he did, he was just expressing it differently. Also a big thing was just giving myself permission not to go to events/spend time with people etc. The Counseller said I was going through a bereavement which finally allowed myself to treat myself with the compassion and care I needed. And no big help here I know, but time is also incredible in terms of getting better. Thinking of you and wishing you well. It’s the crappiest thing we are all going through but this group is so helpful

1 like
Reply

I think many feel like this. I feel like this too, often, in particularly it is hard to feel that no one understands or knows how difficult it is for me to go through this process (I am thinking of work colleagues who have no idea of my story). For me, it's not so much that others get pregnant so easily that gets me down - but it is seeing the contrast with how hard it is for me, and the fact that I have to keep my story secret... so the others have no clue when they announce their happiness, and all I can do is congratulate and send best wishes from my corner of loneliness and worry.

What do I do about it? I tell myself that that's life - some people have it much worse than I do, there are other positives in my life, and I should not forget about them. I try not to let this aspect of my current existence take over everything. Sometimes it is just a matter of not trying too hard... I just lightly tell myself, "that's how it goes, things could have been otherwise, but also in a worse way, so I keep it light, remembering I am doing my best for now and that's all I can do - what happens to others is a different and unrelated event". Basically I try to accept the hardship of the situation as just part of how life distributes events in the world... Does this help? I hope so, let me know if you want. In any case I send a big hug and lots of positive feelings. Warm wishes xx

1 like
Reply

That really does help, thank you! Sometimes I get so caught up in this aspect of my life, it feels all consuming, that I forget to take a step back to try and look at it more objectively xx

1 like
Reply

Oh Rose53, I could have written this myself. I have very little advice to help because I feel the same. I try to be really kind to myself, be honest with friends that I’m struggling and don’t make myself do anything that I don’t feel up to. It’s really tough. Sending empathy and support xxx

1 like
Reply

Hi Rose. Sure, don't feel lonely... We all feel like that at least sometimes.

There are some thoughts that help, but above all, think of yourself. Give you time if you need it, be with the people that you enjoy being with. Don't blame yourself and try yo enjoy the little things.

Lots of love xxx

1 like
Reply

I feel the exact same thing!!!! Also been TTC for just over 2 years and now starting IVF treatment/meds in 2 weeks...

1 like
Reply

Hi love, so sad to hear about your story. You are really passing through very bad times. In such situations, generally, people lose patience. But you have to be strong to fight with it. Years passed away but you did not lose the heart, that shows your courage. Thumbs up, fingers crossed and big hands for you! Having a baby in her womb is the biggest desire of a woman in this universe. But when she comes to know that this is impossible to her, that’s heartbreaking. Though you have wasted much time, believe me, time is still in your hands. You can do anything on your own. The world is not ended away. Science has opened the doors and paved the path to fight with infertility. Surrogacy is a common treatment nowadays. I will recommend you not to waste the time and go for surrogacy immediately. I’m sure that this will work for you. Baby dust to you!

Reply

I don’t have any advice but just know you are not alone. We have been trying for nearly two years and we have just been referred for ivf and are due to have our first appointment.xx

1 like
Reply

hello Rose. Certainly, don't feel desolate. We as a whole vibe like that at any rate at times. There are a few considerations that assistance. Yet, most importantly, consider yourself. Give you time on the off chance that you require it. Also, be with the general population that you appreciate being with. Try not to point the finger at yourself and attempt to appreciate the easily overlooked details. Loads of affection.

Reply

We are in the same situation and have had every test going but no answers for us. We are still 'unexplained' and while part of me should feel grateful it's nothing serious it is so frustrating. After 2 and a half years we are due to start ivf in a few weeks. In the time we have been trying at least 10 babies have been born to family and friends. I have had to block social media pages and avoid any events involving babies or pregnant people. It feels so unfair that we are struggling especially when we have other family members (Not close ones) that have had children taken into care and are still getting pregnant. The only thing that helps are pages like these to vent and my husband and mum. They are a great support. I started having acupuncture too and the lady who does it for me has been a wealth of information as she went through the same thing and got her 3 miracles 10 years later so her story gives me strength. I know it's hard but try and keep the faith. Xx

Reply

You may also like...