Fertility Network UK

Really struggling with infertility

My partner and I have been struggling with infertility for 3 years and are due to start our first round of IVF in March. Whilst I feel that I should be excited and positive about this (well that’s what my close friends and family tell me), I feel completely the opposite and then I feel guilty for feeling that way! I just can’t seem to stop crying at the moment and I feel so depressed, it’s like every ounce of any resilience or positive thinking I had has gone and I can’t seem to get myself out of this hole. It is also affecting my partner and our relationship is not good at the moment. How do people have the energy to go on in this situation? I just feel like giving up and that is not like me at all. I’m even cancelling arrangements with friends because I can’t bear to be near my pregnant friend. Any advice on how to get through this time would be greatly appreciated xx

31 Replies
oldestnewest

I know how you feel - I'm pretty sure we have all felt the same here. It's a huge adjustment and the feelings that you're not quite complete because you can't bring life into this world without assistance are crap. The only thing is, once you actually start your cycle in March you should feel better as you will then be in the process and you can distract yourself with what pills to take when egg xx

2 likes
Reply

Thank you for your advice x

Reply

I was really upset when I found out that the only option we had was ivf after trying naturally for a couple of years. (My husband's swimmers had motility issues). I though 'why me' and started to freak out about the injections etc. And I felt resentful of my husband for a bit as the reason we had to do it was him and not me. But i honestly can say when I'd got my head around it the whole process and accepted it, it was actually fine and last week I was lucky enough to find out we are pregnant after our first round of ivf. Obviously a lot could go wrong from here so taking it a step at a time. If you really want a family I say go for it, it's not as bad as you may think! Sending lots of luck and positive thoughts! X

2 likes
Reply

Congratulations! And thank you for your positive thoughts xx

1 like
Reply

I’m so sorry to hear you struggling. Much of what you are experiencing resonates with me.

My advice to you is do what is best for you. I have experienced the anxiety of spending time with pregnant friends or friends with kids. Try to explain your reasons for not seeing them. Explain that it’s temporary and you’re working through this and you appreciate their support.

It’s so hard especially when most of your friends have kids, I feel really isolated and alone but my head at the minute can’t deal being around happy families it makes me feel more miserable and is a stark reminder what’s missing.

I struggle with people telling me it will happen. It’s ok to feel hopeless and despondent some days but if it continues perhaps speak to your gP about some cbt therapy. That’s my next step to help me deal with these feeling.

Keep talking on here too. There are loads of women that are prepared to listen and support on here. You’re not alone, what your feeling is totally normal. Xx

Reply

Thank you for your advice, it makes such a difference to know that people are going through the same feelings and emotions and that it’s totally normal to feel this way! Thinking positive thoughts for your journey xx

1 like
Reply

I think all the ivf ladies will likely identify with how you are feeling. When we actually had our treatment booked I felt so sad, I think secretly I had hoped we’d not end up having to go down this road. I decided rather than be sad about not conceiving naturally I would be so grateful that we had this opportunity and I decided to give it my all. For me it was about changing my mindset and I knew in 5 years time I would not regret trying but I would regret it if we didnt. I got my bfp on Friday, very early days but whilst I won’t relax until that 12 week scan I can tell you i am so glad we tried... sending so much luck to you xxx

2 likes
Reply

Congratulations! And thank you for your advice xx

Reply

Sending lots of love- I'm struggling too. I've been told that ivf with my own eggs is not going to work. I guess we have to try to think of the options we have - and try to have hope xx

1 like
Reply

You are so right Aimskidd, lots of love right back xx

Reply

Sorry to hear your feeling like this but don’t put to much pressure on yourself these feelings are totally understandable. Unfortunately friends and family will always give the classic ‘stay positive’ and ‘it will happen with IVF’ because they haven’t been in this position so don’t understand the feelings but also the only thing that can do it try to be positive for you and that makes them feel like their helping.

Maybe you and your OH could try and get away for a night or even go out for the day to have a bit of you time. I to have isolated myself a lot during this journey, you do what you need to for self protection. Keep talking on here and talk each day as it comes xx

1 like
Reply

Thank you for your advice xx

Reply

I was always really confused that people thought having ivf was exciting, it’s not, it’s rubbish. You’re justified in feeling miserable about it. However, you also have to have a little hope or you’ll find it hard to get through. Have a deep search inside yourself and see if you can find that piece of hope then hold on tight to it.

I recommend acupuncture and counselling, they are the things that are helping me through our infertility journey.

1 like
Reply

Thank you, positive thoughts! Xx

Reply

Hi Jojo_282 i can totally relate to how you feel. Before starting ivf I had the usual feelings - why does everyone else get pregnant so easily, what have we done wrong etc. My main issue was that the process is so unnatural and particularly the fact that I am so anti meds of any kind (I haven't even taken a paracetamol in about 5 years!) I was so annoyed about having to pump my body so full of meds. At the beginning of our treatment (doing the tests etc) me and DH were arguing a bit, and frankly he was p1ssing me off quite a lot (with drinking, smoking etc)! After time and when you actually get to treatment, everything will change. We are like different people now (in a good way) - we accept what comes - good or bad, and our relationship is soooo much better. You might also find that there are quite a few others who've been through the same without you even realising. I would say though I am still distancing myself from friends, the ones who say things like 'my husband just has to look at me and I get pregnant' because while I don't mind being around babies I frickin hate people being so showy about kids/pregnancy. It's a crazy and crappy process for sure, but hopefully worth it in the end. We're all here for you whenever you need it xxx

1 like
Reply

Thank you Lilli79 xx

Reply

hi jojo, sorry to hear you’re going through such a hard time. i’m pretty sure most of us have felt the same.

i was in complete denial about having ivf - furious with the world. i was so resentful at the prospect of pumping my body full of drugs to get what everyone else seemed to get at the drop of a hat. i dutifully attended all my appointments, but never really believed i’d actually go ahead with treatment. and here i am in the middle of round 3!

don’t worry about cancelling plans with pregnant friends - you have to put yourself first.

infertility is exhausting, relentless and unfair, what you’re feeling is totally normal. you don’t have to pretend to be excited, just roll with the ups & down - we are all behind you 100%

sending positive vibes ✨✨✨

Reply

Thank you so much noodle and good luck on your journey too xx

Reply

I remember a peculiar mix of disappointment and relief when we received our letter from the clinic advising that the only treatment they would recommend was ivf. I also remember messaging a friend to say we had been referred for ivf and her response was ‘how exciting’, I’ve even had a gp say the same to me recently. People just don’t get it!! If you put into context that most people referred for ivf have already faced the ongoing monthly disappointment of not being pregnant followed by investigations and checks to see if ivf is a viable option. We have all already been through the mill at the point of referral - how on earth are we then expected to be excited at the prospect of injections and hormonal craziness! Surround yourself with people who will empathise and support you, if you don’t feel like you can see pregnant friends then don’t. Wishing you every success with your treatment xxx

Reply

Thank you, such good advice xx

1 like
Reply

Hi Jojo

Welcome to the forum! Sorry you're feeling like this. I found out last January that ivf was my only option. I cried my eyes out in the hospital and cried so hard in bed that night next to my sleeping boyfriend. I'd never felt so sad, the pain physically hurt, it was awful...but with a bit of time, you'll accept it and get your head round it and then you can focus all your thoughts and energy into the ivf instead of mourning your sadness for a natural conception. We are all here to support you and answer your questions. We can all totally relate to you so you're not alone in how you're feeling x

1 like
Reply

Thank you Scarlett and good of luck on your journey too xx

1 like
Reply

Oh the dreaded I bet your so excited to start small talks! Yes I’m well excited that I can’t conceive naturally so now have to jab myself in the stomach every night, live in constant stress that it’s not going work, hide the fact I want to burst into tears or punch someone in the face every other minute oh and who can forget the hot flushes and fabulous pessaries! Don’t even get me started on the tww!

Having said all that, I would do it over and over to have the miracle we are living now! People who haven’t had ivf don’t understand the anger, sadness and pressure this journey creates, but look at us all on here, we are here for one another through the good times and the bad, some one always knows how you’re feeling because one of us has probably felt the same! It’s hard and I think we would all agree on that (some journeys a lot harder than others) but you get through it and my relationship is a millions times closer and stronger now than it was before! Have faith in yourself, you’re about to find out how truly amazing and strong you are!! X x x

2 likes
Reply

That made me chuckle looby! Thank you so much for your advice xx

1 like
Reply

IVF isn’t something you’d envisioned in your life and whilst it has the potential to help you get pregnant and achieve your dreams of having a family, it’s also a pretty daunting and stressful process to have to undergo. I certainly wasn’t giddy with excitement when I had my first go at it and also felt sad and tearful because it’s not how I thought things would be for me and my husband. It does also put stress on your relationship as the whole thing is really emotionally challenging. I’d recommend counselling for you and your partner to help support you through your treatment and beyond. Sending you a big hug and very best wishes xx

1 like
Reply

Thank you and best wishes to you xx

Reply

Hey there, I could have written this post. I dreaded starting IVF and at the end of last year I was at my lowest ebb and I lost track of the amount of times I cried at the kitchen table - once even at the gym listening to a work out motivation mix (pretended it was sweat 😑). Christmas was hard, birth announcements, pregnancy announcements. Another year of seeing family and "no, we're not expecting, hope so" conversations before changing the subject. I found that starting IVF has made me feel more like we are doing something to try and make this happen for us. I'm determined but not delusional that it will 100% work. Just hopeful.

Letting go and trusting a bunch of strangers to help you achieve what is seemingly so easy for most people (and free!! and probably way more fun!) is tough but my gaad does it make you stronger.

Your friends will still be there when you are ready to re connect. Don't give up. It's a just a different road, a difficult road but I'm hopeful it leads somewhere beautiful xxxx

1 like
Reply

Thank you for you advice xx

1 like
Reply

Thank you for your advice, you girls are so lovely and have made me feel better already xx

1 like
Reply

Hi Jojo,

We have all been where you are lovely and I’m sure we will be there again. Sometimes you just have to let yourself cry, feel sad and give yourself time. You will feel better soon. My advice is to try in a couple of days doing something that you normally love. For me, going to the beach and watching the waves revitalises me. So try and do something that you love. It might not work the first time but try again and again until you feel a little better. But don’t be too hard on yourself. This is the hardest journey ever and you will have times when you feel awful for a while. Give yourself some time and then pick yourself up. Remember, you have got this. You will do it. You will beat infertility and you will be a mum. Sending lots of love and hugs lovely and hoping you feel better soon xxx

1 like
Reply

Thank you for your advice xx

Reply

You may also like...