So yesterday should have been what would have been my joint surprise baby shower. I dropped my friend (who is still pregnant) present at my other friends house before the party began. I decided that it wasn’t the right thing to do for me, or for my friend, to attend. I know I did the right thing.

I have however not been able to escape the photos and everyone including my friends who know about our miscarriage plastering it all over facebook and Instagram. It’s everywhere. I absolutely hate hastags at the best of times but to see #bump buddies #surprise baby shower #tears of joy #isn’t life so sodding amazing! I could vomit!

Don’t get me wrong I’m delighted for my friend but sometimes I just feel as if I’m drowning.

Why me? What did I ever do to anyone that was that bad? Why wasn’t it my time? Will it ever be my turn? I keep repeating, it’s just not fair! Some people don’t even have to try or in fact don’t even want the baby. It’s just so god damn unfair!!!

Sorry for the rant but it's so hard that even the people that do know can't understand. :(

16 Replies

  • MrsTM13 I completely get where u are coming from its hard to have people around you celebrating when it's the one thing in the world that you want xxx I'm sure your time will come as will it for all the others xxx try not to go on social media if you can but I knew the temptation is there

    Lots of hugs xx

  • Rant away. It's unfair and the only way to avoid the hash tags is to avoid social media. They aren't doing it to upset you, they probably don't even consider that the photos could cause you hurt. It is very hard for us when others are pregnant and the popularity of baby showers is another thing that makes us feel like we're the only people who can't get or stay pregnant.

    Look after yourself.

  • I feel your pain, I had to endure a Christening yesterday having already braved the baby shower and a couple of visits at home. I am also pleased for them but come away feeling very sad that it's not us xxx

  • I totally share your pain Mrs TM13 and I will join in. Today wasn't a good day...and I know I should count my blessings rather than be depressed, but still, I feel punished. My story is rather different, I suffer from a form of infertility due to genetic autoimmune system. So it doesn't matter how many time the conception takes place I cannot take the baby further than 5 weeks. I had all in all, 11 miscarriages with 3 ending up in A&E in critical condition. My body sees the pregnancy as an infection and attacks the embryo. End of. No IVF in the world can help. Oh and to make the matters worse...I am a teaching assistant into my 40s. Today was sports day and all I could see around me was pregnant women with two or three kids being happy and jolly. babies crying...drives me nuts. I looked into adoption, my hubby said no way. my family said no, his family said no. The whole bloody world said no. sorry not in a happy place. So im with you MrsTM13 and deffo share your pain.

  • Angie have you ever considered a surrogate? Doesn't have to be a stranger and you use your own embryos. I know someone whose best friend carried her baby, from her last embryo, for her. Lo is now 8 weeks old, born at 34 weeks and is fine. You would have to go through implications counselling and all the legal stuff, so not a short process. At least the child would be biologically yours. Hope this comment hasn't caused any upset xx

  • I'm so sorry to hear your story. I repeat life is so unfair.

    We have discussed adoption and my DH is open to it. My friend adopted a baby last year, got to see him the day he was born and took him home the next day. I know that's not common but they are making such an impact on that babies life. My mum wasn't too keen on the idea but I've spoken to her a bit more about it now and she seemed a lot more accepting if it was a very young child opposed to an older one that she fears could come with serious issues or complications.

    You are way stronger than I am to be surrounded by children everyday. I think I'd go home heartbroken each and every single day.


  • I was so sad to read what you're going through, although I have no experience of miscarriage i can empathise with the onslaught of social media, which doesn't seem to take into account people's pain and emotional suffering. My sister officially announced her pregnancy on facebook yesterday, cue pictures of baby shopping, cute teddy bears. She knows I am in the 2ww and I felt so hurt that my own sister, who has seen how upset I've been the last few years up close, still did it.

    It really is so unfair, and so, so painful. You are not alone and rant whenever you need to xx

  • Feel free to rant! I must say this group is the only place I feel is 'safe' from the constant onslaught of being a 38 year old woman without kids. I've done the christenings, showers and visited all the new borns and each time sob all the way home using those exact words 'it's not fair'. Many people do try to be sympathetic in fairness, but it often becomes clumsy and I end up feeling like the bad guy and put enough pressure on my self as it is.

    I'm sure hearing that isn't exactly helpful to you, but I do understand and fully empathise along with the wonderful women above and no doubt below.

    Look after yourself xx

  • Aww huni life is just so cruel really am sorry for ur loss, xxxxx

  • Thanks for your messages. I've been around babies and my god children since the second miscarriage but it's just that this friend is due 4 days after I would have been. When I found out I had a full scale melt down.

    I have to believe that one day it will be our turn as quite honestly I don't know how I will learn to cope if it isn't. : / x

  • Ah I really felt your pain,and others on your link....rant away...we all get it...in some form...I have had 2 miscarriages in last year, last one was twins and every time I try and be positive and move forward something sets me back. I have an idea IVF buddy, whom has continued well with her pregnancy when I lost mine, and I'm so happy for her but she gives me graphic updates that is really too much to hear...then one neighbour had baby 3 months ago and other side due in 2 months after getting married August last year..it's all fallen into place for her and u look out window at her tummy and think that could of been me...it's so hard all round, and it is so hard trying not to be seen as a misery...sending big hugs to help soothe the pain xxx

  • I know how you all feel. The FB updates are the worst. I have a friend who updates the growth of her bump at least once a week. I have another friend who finally fell pregnant naturally after 5 years of trying say to me to hurry up and join her in motherhood. She knows I am having problems but I think she forgets. When people are insensitive about these things, I feel a sharp pain in my stomach. Especially after my miscarriage.

    It hurts when people do not truly understand what you are going through.

    I hope you all stay strong and are blessed with your babies very soon. X

  • It really is hard, I have felt all these emotions and have days that are easy and days that are hard. Keep believing though that one day it will be your turn, your dream and your baby 💗💙💗💙

  • Hey honey

    Am totally with you right now I hate the world and all who is happy and unit. We lost our precious joy at 17/18 weeks Monday July 4th he was a boy perfect in every way but just born too soon. We are not sure it it was the instant change of meds but after taking this med for 2 days we lost him 2 days later I am trying not to hold onto that and have series advice but because he wasn't 24 weeks he wasn't viable.... WTF he was to us.

    Anyway I was having a chat with my sister who is rather religious I am not but I believe in GOD. She said which I have done get yourself a book everyday write to him or just write down all these feelings you are having no matter what they are just get them out. I started mine 2 days ago and although everyday is painful, every minute I miss him it helps me in a small way.

    I send hugs to you xxx

  • Definitely rant away! Infertilty doesn't just rob you of the joy of having your own baby; it also robs you of the joy of celebrating and enjoying your friends and family having their children. I can completely understand why the Facebook posts are so painful - it's a reminder of what you could have had and feels like salt being rubbed in your wounds!

    Wishing you the best of luck with your journey and I truly hope yoir time comes. In the meantime take care of yourself and remember it's ok to be mad at the world sometimes! x

    P.s. I think you did really well dropping a gift off in advance. I'm not sure I could have managed that so give yourself some credit too.

  • I have found colleagues and now even my closest friends being scared to tell me there pregnant because they are worried about offending me. This can be really hard to swallow as it feels like people are in fact pushing you away because of a problem , for me a chronic disease, you have no control over 😥

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