A little understanding

[Judy18]

Hi all. I apologise in advance for the following rant but i am stuck feeling really down and i hate it.

My family know that we are starting ivf injections in a couple of weeks. All i wanted was a quiet Christmas but as we weren’t “starting” the family descended and was pushed into a big family xmas. Just so happens that i had horrid side effects from the tablets i am on previous to injecting. All in all a hard xmas and spent 6 days with family.

During this time (but about an hour before side effects started) we arranges a meal at my parents for today. After a lot of pain and discomfort and filling in some hideous forms i decided to call my mum to cancel Saturday (my sister and her family would still go). My mum said of i had a genuine reason then it would be ok for me to cancel. I explained and she said to call Sunday with final decision (why I couldn’t cancel then is a mystery but she always does this). I said i would call Saturday.

Friday i am shopping after work and turn to my husband and say can we be quick as i am in a lot of pain and felt of the verge of tears. At the checkout and my phone rings. It’s my mum asking if i am better and can i make sunday. I say no. She then asks about the following sunday but i said i had plans with a friend. I then say she should pick a day that’s best for her and my sister and then the guilt trip of her wanting me there and how much it would mean. I said she was adding pressure which wasnt fair. She said she wasn’t. I said i would call Saturday.

So made the phone call and once again said no. I got told i had broken my dads heart (wtf). When i said again that she is adding pressure she just said she should be allowed to tell me how she feels. I said she was being unfair and isn’t even trying to understand the physical and emotional pain we are in. My sister can’t even talk to me about it and mum said i need to understand how hard it is for other people and my sister feels bad as she has kids. So i have to understand how other people are struggling with my infertility. She then said it was unfair that i could manage going out with friends but won’t see family. I explained that brunch next week was tentative and ten mins from home not a 2 hour round trip.

I am so angry and want to let it go so it won’t impact treatment but i have tried so hard to get them to understand. I have emailed them letting them know how i feel, sent helpful links but they just carry on doing what they want.

Sorry this is so long but how do i let go of the disappointment? Talking to her doesn’t help as she always thinks she is right and she doesn’t listen.

Hope everyone else is having a good 2020 so far.

Love and luck to all xxxx

[cggregory]

I completely understand what you’re going through. It can be really challenging being around family - especially family members with children - when struggling with infertility. My family has, thankfully, been very supportive throughout our whole “journey” with infertility, but I STILL feel a lot of anxiety before big family events, and sometimes try to avoid them.

That’s all to say that what you’re feeling is totally, 100% valid. And I’m so sorry your mother is making you feel guilty. You have no reason to feel guilty; you deserve all the time and space you need.

I’d really recommend following @missconceptioncoach on Instagram; she offers a lot of support around navigating interpersonal relationships when you’re struggling with infertility. Sending love ❤️

[Judy18 in reply to cggregory]

Hi CGGregory. I can not thank you enough for your miss conception coach recommendation. I love it already and feel like she knows my situation inside and out. This is brilliant.

Also thanks you for the support and for responding. Sometime this journey can be lonely and comes with unexpected hurt to.

Sending love and hugs xx

[Hidden]

Sorry to hear that your family are not as understanding and supportive as you need them to be. You know what you need and it's most important that you look after yourself at this stressful time. Sending love and support your way. Hope the side effects are easing? When do you start injections?

[Judy18 in reply to Hidden]

Hi runuphill. Thank you for your support. My first injection is the 18th Jan with egg collection planned for the 30th (all being well). Getting a bit nervous! Xx

[emma2739]

Hello Judy18, I’m so sorry to read your post life is hard enough to deal with without having extra pressure out on you. Try to move your focus away from negativity by trying to relax do the things you enjoy, have a warm bath light a candle and think of happy times passed and ahead. I didn’t get the kind of support I needed from my mother who always said silly things like I can’t believe a child of mine is having problems when I had four so easily, as your say WTF! If you have a couple of close friends, even one and a strong partner you have enough there to lean on and give up on others who aren’t showing their best side right now. Think of getting yourself in the best physical and mental condition for this cycle, sounds like it been really rough for you recently so be so kind to yourself, do exactly what you want to do and keep moving your focus away from anyone draining your precious energy. All the best pal

[CLDxxx]

Sorry you’re having a difficult time and don’t feel supported. It amazes me really how people can change your situation to being about them.

This is an overwhelming time and unfortunately no one quite understands it unless they’ve been through it which is why I love this forum so much as we all ‘get’ it and each other. It’s a shame not to have that support closer to you but just wanted to say, put yourself first.

It is you going through this and whatever is to come so don’t let anyone pressure you to do anything you don’t fancy or don’t feel up to doing. It is so important to be relaxed and stress free so if that means you picking and choosing who you spend time with whether it be friends, family or alone time then you decide - you do you.

We are all here for you, supporting you. Hope you’re feeling better, wishing you lots of luck with your first cycle. As I said, it is overwhelming but also extremely exciting!! Xxx

[Judy18 in reply to CLDxxx]

I am lucky enough to have an amazing husband and some great friends but still hurts that they aren’t trying. I am not used to putting myself first but know i made the right choice today.

We are all so lucky to have this forum, like you said. People really get us here.

Thanks you for you kind words and support. It has helped xx

[CLDxxx in reply to Judy18]

I’m the same as you and feel such guilt for saying no to people but overall this is a short amount of time to be a little selfish so don’t be hard on yourself.

Take care lovely. Looking forward to hearing how it all goes for you xxx

[Hidden]

Its frustrating isn't it when it feels like no one else understands.

Best of luck with your first cycle!

[Judy18 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. Can’t believe it is nearly here xx

[3005]

Unfortunately unless they have experienced problems with fertility they will never truly understand how you feel. I started trying in 2016 and ended up having three fresh rounds of IVF last year and in that time I shut out so many people and things from my life without even realising it. I would often say I just wish people would bloody understand that I don’t want to hear about how someone else is pregnant or just had a baby and was actually told I was selfish at one point cause I got upset when another cousin announced they were pregnant “by accident”.

The one thing that has helped me is counselling, this is something you should get as part of your treatment and I can’t recommend it enough.

When you feel overwhelmed, do a little meditation or go for a walk with your hubby.

It’s hard to go through mentally and physically so you have to be kind to yourself and if that means not putting yourself in situations where you feel uncomfortable or upset then don’t do it and if they don’t understand then that’s not your problem it’s there’s. Look after yourself and schedule in things you do like to do and fun things so you have something to look forward too.

I hope everything goes well, sending lots of love and best wishes xxx

[Shelleybean]

That’s so tough, sorry you’re having to deal with this on top of everything else. Sounds like you’ve tried the right things to try to help them to understand. If you haven’t already then could you maybe consider writing down your feelings in a letter or email to your sister, as she may be more understanding than your Mum if hears directly what you’re going through and might support and encourage your Mum to be less pushy/ try to understand a bit better?

I agree with others that you need to continue to prioritise yourself/ protect yourself from the negative energy at this time and that counselling may help you make peace with that decision, as well as helping you continue to find ways to express your feelings to your family.

Good luck and hope all works out for you xx