Fertility Network UK
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Bad reaction to sisters news

So I got my bfn on Monday after our first cycle. I’d started bleeding Saturday so wasn’t surprised. I was upset all weekend but once I did the test Monday I was ready to draw a line and move and and think about our next one on ice.

All was ok until last night when my sister told me she was approx 6 weeks pregnant. She feels awful as she knows what we’ve been going through I feel angry, bitter, resentful but trying not to show it as don’t want to spoil this special time for her. This will be her 3rd child. It seems so unfair 😢 I love her and don’t want to upset her

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Oh how difficult for you. It’s normal to feel jealous and resentful. She will understand that. You’re right to try not to show her, but maybe the easiest way to do that will be to keep a little distance between you for a short while? Best of luck with coming to terms with it xx

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This is such a tough situation for you, I had similar when my SIL announced her pregnancy the day after my 3rd cycle was unsuccessful. I would say if you can maybe have a little distance just to give you some time, maybe you could speak to her and just explain although your happy for her it’s hard for you. Everything your feeling is totally ‘normal’ and understandable though xx

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Hun I’m so sorry and also feel the pain, my sisters have had 3 kids between them since I been ttc!x

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Ah this is so tough! U both obviously really care about each other, she feels awful for having to tell u her news and u r trying ur hardest not to show ur feelings to protect her. Im sure she will understand u needing a little space right now and that this is really hard for you. Maybe u could agree what information u r comfortable receiving at the moment, scan pics, hearing about her progress ec or agree that she will wait until u text before providing an update. I know sometimes the updates come at the worse possible times unbeknownst to the other person. Just a thought, u know what ul be most comfortable with 😘

Sending hugs 😘 xxx

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Thank you. She’s got a scan on Sunday hopefully it’ll be ok then I think I might be able to say don’t tell me unless I ask. I think it’s surprised me how much it hurts. And I thought I was doing ok.

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That sounds like a good plan! Im sure it came as a shock to u to be so upset, I think we mostly just coast along and even when "ok" we are managing emotional pain so its understandable it will rear its head at times 😓 xx

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Thank you all. I think she had to tell me as we are going to a spa for my birthday on tues with my mum.

She was told she’d never carry a child and she’s had a miscarriage and an ectopic before so she’s really worried this might be ectopic because of pains in her side. I want to be supportive but it’s very hard. I feel so mixed up becUse I love her and want her to be happy but feel like it should’ve been my turn ☹️

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Oh well then she’s had a tough ride and deserves to be happy. I’d have thought given all that she’s been through you’d just be happy for her. My sister had two babies too & I was overjoyed for her & love them like my own. Depends how close you are I suppose. Your time will come.

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I think it is the timing that is important here- it’s a hard time for Lisa to hear anyone is pregnant let alone her sister. It’s a lot easier to love the babies “like they’re your own” when they’re actually here. I have two nieces and love them a lot but I found it really hard when my SIL was pregnant. It didn’t really have anything to do with whether I thought she deserved to be happy- it took her three years to fall with the first and I was glad for her, but still jealous and sad for me. It’s a difficult mix of emotions and totally normal not to feel ok about it.

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Like I say, depends how close they are. SIL aren’t sisters. It’s normal to feel jealous but my happiness for my sister would come first. Everyone is different.

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Have you experienced an ivf bfn yourself though? The come-down from all the extra hormones as well as the huge disappointment all affects your emotions. Like I said, it’s a really hard time for Lisa to hear anyone is pregnant. It’s normal for her to feel upset by this news. I’m glad for you that you were able just to feel happy for your sister. I’m not sure it qualifies you to comment on other people’s closeness to their family though.

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You’re getting a little carried away hun. Relax. Her sister has clearly been through a lot aswell therefore they can empathise with each other’s losses. Hormones of course can make things seem worse. She might actually gain comfort & hope from sharing this journey with her sister. If you don’t have a sister yourself then it might be difficult for you to understand. I’m not interested in getting into a back & forth with you.

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That’s fair enough, thanks for your responses. 🤗

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Yes I think it is the timing. It’s literally a few days difference. I am very close to my sister and I find it difficult anyway with her having two children and me not being a part of that world (if that makes sense) .

I feel a lot better today. Her scan went ok yesterday thank goodness. I had a very bad day again yesterday but I’m trying to focus on a nice day at the spa and a massage tomorrow.

I realise I’m being selfish not feeling happiness for her in the first instance. I guess i thought this time It’d happen and I’m not getting any older I’m 42 tomorrow (😱) so maybe I should just accept it and somehow move on.

There’s no reason why we aren’t conceiving. Despite us being older than my sister and bil on paper we’re more likely to than them.

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I'd not press you to control yourself or show happy because you simply can't not at this point. Nonetheless, you love your sister and will love the child she bears immensely as well. Now, it's a good thing that after so odds she is bearing a kid and everything is going well with her.... probably you being the without such complains it can't be too long before you have a pregnancy news yourself. Go to the spa I wouldn't cancel that out but be open that you want to come off the grief of failed TTC so let's not get there. Find the right word and I'm sure the other will understand you well enough! Happy Birthday in advance.. make sure you enjoy the day.

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I know exactly how you feel. My nephew has just announced he has had a vasectomy reversal and now his gf is pregnant. That will be 5 children to 4 different women. My daughter is being very brave about it but I’m a different matter. My mother in law hasn’t mentioned it to me because she knows I will go on one. I can’t help but feel bitter . Sending hugs xxxx

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It just seems so unfair doesn’t it? Why is it so easy for some to just think about it and it happens. I feel such a cow for feeling like this - I don’t want to ruin what should be a happy time for us.

It could’ve been the best time had we both been pregnant at the same time.

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Don’t feel that you are a cow. Unless Ppl have walked this road, they will never understand our feelings and emotions. Don’t be too hard on yourself my love, it’s all completely understandable xx

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Thank you. I’m being unfair on her tbh she had big problems trying to conceive the first... no stopping her now tho eh 🤣

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Just keep strong. It’s will be your turn next xx

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Of course you feel like that. It's natural as you want that for you and it hurts when others get it and you don't.

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Thank you

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I too have recently had my best mate and my sister in law have successful and healthy pregnancy’s. I feel absolutely happy for them, however, a part of me feels so much green envy and bitterness. You’re not alone chick, chin up and know that we are completely normal having these feelings. We WILL get our rainbow 🌈 It is just a longer journey for us xx

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We must keep the faith eh 😉

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I’m very sorry to hear that your cycle didn’t work out for you, it’s difficult enough to deal without having pregnancy news to compound the hurt you’re feeling. I completely relate to what you’re going though. You and your sister obviously love each other very much. Don’t be afraid to tell her you’re happy for her but also that you’re finding it difficult. I’m sure you can be there to support each other xx

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I know how you feel. My sister announced her 2nd pregnancy just after my miscarriage. I would be due this month and she’s due next month. I also had mixed feeling as I was happy to be getting a niece or another nephew but I was also dealing with my own heart break. Now I’m excited to meet my niece next month.

Xx

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Thank you - I hope to reach this peace within myself also

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I agree with the other ladies. It’s completely understandable how you’re feeling. You are happy for her but she already has a baby so you are wishing it was your turn. You can’t help how you feel and it will take some time to come to terms with it.

I’m in kind of the opposite situation to you. I have one baby via IVF and was really lucky to be successful from my first fresh round. My sis is just going through her first round of IVF and I’m just about to start my second FET to try for number 2. We both had CPs within a couple of weeks of each other - her from a natural pregnancy and me from FET no 1. I am so praying it works for both of us and we are pregnant at the same time. I don’t want to think of how awful it will be if it works for one of us and not the other, but I know somehow we’ll get through it and I’m sure you’ll be the same x

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Yes I think with time I will be ok. It was a shock. She kept saying when are you starting treatment so I can try at the same time but I didn’t think to be within days 🤣

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I'm so sorry to hear about your failed TTC! :( I can totally understand how you feel, been through it for 6 long years. It's difficult to cope with the grief at times and the insanity takes over. It's alright, you love your sister and so does she... things will be alright once you get a baby too. 'll too suggest a little distance for now just a safe wall for you to not lose your mind.. that's all. Stay well... wish you luck with your TTCs.

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Thank you. Good luck to you too. I don’t think I really allowed myself the grief of the bfn I just thought - well we have one more chance. But now I worry that won’t be enough

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It's true sometimes the TTC goes beyond how long we've imagined it... but don't lose hope! The fertility road is never easy and the wait unbearable. I personally believe there's nothing forever, not even infertility. You need to allow the grief, running from it will make you more irky and emotionally wrecked. You never know success might just await you a few step ahead! God Bless You.

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Hello ladies!!!I just wanted to share my experience.I have heard that most people achieve pregnancy within the first 3 months.but is this not possible in every case.I am suffering a lot. but never losing hope always keep trying with full hope. I just believe that nothing is impossible one day I must achieve what I want. After great struggle and unsuccessful cycles, I did it.Finally, I conceived.I got my BFP on last month! I'm now 23 weeks and 4 days pregnant with a little boy.It's normal to feel jealous when we see others who can get an easily successful result.but take joy in the little things that you have and keep hopeful that your day will come, it's ok to have bad days and just cry when you need to and let it all out. So please don't give up hope! It just takes some of us a little longer to get pregnant. But it can definitely happen! Good luck and lots of wishes!

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Thank you and many congratulations xx

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Thank you Good luck to you too

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