How much is too much?!

[HelzBelzUK]

Evening everyone xx

I’m over thinking as usual and just wanted some advice. Feels a bit premature writing this.. I hate feeling so negative but it’s so hard to be positive after so much misery and heartache.

We have just completed our 7th cycle and sent 3 embryos for PGTA. We have one embryo from our previous cycle on ice which is a complex low level mosaic. We have previous transferred a total of 11 untested embryos and had 3 early losses.

I am now thinking where do we go if these embryos come back aneuploid? I’m almost 41 and my husband is 43 today! I don’t think mentally we’ve got it in us to do another cycle. We get a good number of eggs but it’s egg quality that lets us down. We’ve had multiple investigations etc and ruled out MFI

I’ve done multiple things to improve my egg quality to no avail. I work a lot of nights as it’s more money so i’m thinking do we do another cycle & I can stop doing nights? If that doesn’t help then we’re back to square one. I feel we always think we can do more but in reality we’ve done 7 cycles.. we’ve done more than enough.

We have discussed DE so maybe now it’s time to finally move to this option? Thoughts/words of wisdom welcome. xxx

[Sunshine809]

Hopefully your embryos will be ok! 🤞🤞🤞

For me personally, I stopped trying with my own eggs at 40 when I'd done everything I could to improve egg quality and that round they seemed much better so we waited for a 5 day blastocyst (we'd only ever done 3 day transfers) and they all failed so there was nothing to transfer 😔

I'd put my heart and soul into it using the advice in It Starts With The Egg. It was gutting. I felt like there was nothing more i could do and I couldn't face going through it all again with such a low chance of success.

We had a break and realised we did still definitely want to have children and at the end of the day I would prefer to have a child than to pass on my genes - the most important thing for me was to become a mother.

We moved to donor eggs and after 3 failed transfers and a change of donor (DE can also take a little while!) I'm having my 12 week scan today 😊

The way I see it, the donor has donated one tiny cell and my body has done the rest.

I think you just have to weigh up what's the most important thing to you and whether you can keep putting yourself through it physically and emotionally when the chances of success are low.

Wishing you all the best ✨️🍀❤️

[HelzBelzUK in reply to Sunshine809]

Thank you so much for your lovely message and congratulations on your pregnancy xx

I’ve followed all the ISTWE supplements for over a year now and still nothing. Now i’m torturing myself because I read an article about shift work and egg quality.

The thought of never being a mum is too much.. it breaks my heart so much. Genetics don’t make a family.. love does ❤️

Financially we can afford it but mentally and physically I think i’m done. My husband is defo done.. even mentioning the word IVF gives him chest pain.

Good luck with your scan today xx 😘

[Sunshine809 in reply to HelzBelzUK]

Thanks so much. It went well 🥰

I think that's the problem - we become so hyper-focused on our egg quality and I was blaming myself for things which were basically just me living my life! It sucked the joy out of everything. It was miserable.

The donor egg process was a lot less stressful because I wasn't producing the eggs. I even had a glass of wine the night before transfer. I knew it wouldn't affect the result. It definitely takes the pressure off.

Wishing you the best of luck with whatever you decide ❤️ xx

[AJKP]

Fingers crossed for your little embryos... I think only you know when you've had enough and when you feel ready to try a different path. I certainly got to the stage where I felt I was just repeating the same process that ended up with the same negative outcome each time. Eventually we chose DE and it ended up feeling such a relief as some of the pressure was off me for a little while. I found with IVF I had to grieve the loss of each stage - not being able to conceive naturally, lost embryos or miscarriages. With DE I then had to grieve not using my own eggs and had a little wobble at the start. But I'm now 22 weeks pregnant and as the baby now looks like a baby and not an embryo I'm already bonded to he/she....though the anxiety of it all going wrong doesn't disappear! I think whats reassuring is that there's a lot of women on here who have used DE and it helps normalise the process and helps us achieve the family we've longed for. Do what feels right for you when you feel ready, there's no right or wrong 😊 x

[HelzBelzUK in reply to AJKP]

Thank you so much for your lovely message and congratulations to you too on your pregnancy xx

I’ve met so many amazing couples and single women on this journey and it really has opened my eyes to all the different types of families out there. As sunshine809 said.. an egg is just one cell, i’ll be the one growing the baby and feeling him/her kick.

I really am broken with it all. I’m just not the same person anymore. At least I can walk away knowing i’ve absolutely tried my best xx 😘

[AJKP in reply to HelzBelzUK]

I think this journey can't help but change you, we've had to face so many painful challenges,... im so sorry you feel this way. I really recognise these emotions, take time for you, put you first and don't put pressure on yourself. I've learned that it really was out of my control in the end. Wishing you all the luck on whatever you choose to do x ❤️

[Azzurra79]

I agree with the previous answer, however just wanted to also Say that working nights is known to harm fertility. I realise that these treatments are very costly, and that you have to be real, but working with cicardian rhythms can really be a key aspect of improving hormonal health. If you could and you really wanted to leave no stone unturned before resorting to donor eggs I would consider going 3-6 months really following the cicardian rhythms and allowing your body to settle with that and maybe try another cycle after that.

[Azzurra79 in reply to Azzurra79]

Sorry, also adding good luck with the current embryos.And with working cicardidn rhythms would also include other things like sunlight exposure first thing in the morning, a high fat and high protein breakfast and avoiding any blue lights, screens and any overhead lights after sunset.. I know it can sound extreme but it used to be the natural way we lived before technology and our body can respond very well to these changes, especially when hormone signalling start to weaken as we age. Good luck again!

[HelzBelzUK in reply to Azzurra79]

Thank you xx

Yes I did read an article about that and I was concerned. I’ve only really done mainly night shifts a lot for the last maybe 6/8 months.

Previous cycles i’ve worked shifts so have been doing days. But because we’ve never tested any earlier embryos then it’s hard to say wether any have been normal x

Will speak to the doctor when we get our pgta report xx

[Doodlebug23]

I tried with my own eggs at age 42. It didn’t work so when I tried again I decided the most important thing was that I wanted a baby so decided to move straight to DE.

It still took me 7 transfers with 10 embryos, so it’s not a quick fix, but my daughter is now five months old.

When she’s older, I will tell my daughter exactly where she came from, but for now all she knows is that I am her mama and centre of her universe 🥰 Strangely enough, my daughter looks very like my nephew. The egg is just a few cells and it’s you growing that baby that puts in the rest. Have you read about epigenetics? It’s very fascinating.

[HelzBelzUK in reply to Doodlebug23]

Thank you and congratulations on your little girl xx

Yes my consultant is a huge believer of epigenetics. It really is so so interesting x

Will obviously wait for the pgta report. Maybe there’s one lucky one in there xx

[Doodlebug23 in reply to HelzBelzUK]

Yes sorry I hope you get that little embie that’s been just waiting for their turn. Like they say, it only takes 1!! X

[Tinkertinkerbell]

Hi, Wow! You’ve been through a lot! I just wanted to say I finally got my little 4 month old girl with a DE. I did 2 cycles with my own eggs first. For me it was an easy decision to go with DE and it was exciting to think it might finally work! You honestly will forget that your baby came from a DE as soon as you are pregnant. My daughter is the most special little thing - I wouldn’t want a different baby. I hope that makes sense? It was meant to be. She was meant to be! Donor eggs are a blessing. Magical. Anyway, that’s my path and you follow your heart but I just wanted to respond to say that DE could be your blessing too x

[Tinkertinkerbell in reply to Tinkertinkerbell]

Also, I just read the PP and wanted to say weirdly my daughter looks a bit like my sisters daughter too! Everyone comments that she looks just like her and I just smile - because she strangely does 😆 and my sisters daughter looks nothing like her and her husband and my brothers daughter looks nothing like him or her mum. We don’t look like our parents and lots of friends’ babies don’t look like them- so I’ve never been concerned that my daughter doesn’t look like me. xx

[HelzBelzUK in reply to Tinkertinkerbell]

Haha it’s funny isn’t it. One of the girls from clinic her DE son is the absolute image of her.. her poor husband didn’t get a look in xx

[HelzBelzUK in reply to Tinkertinkerbell]

Thank you so much that’s really lovely of you to say xx

It makes perfect sense what your saying.. he was meant for you ❤️

One of the ladies I met through clinic said to me that it doesn’t matter how you get there.. it’s the end goal that matters. It’s so true really. We want to be parents so then if DE is the way we need to go then that’s what we will do.

I know in my heart it’s the right move for us but I sometimes have a wobble and think what if the baby hates me etc x I suppose a lot of people have those feelings/reservations. Did you? xx

[Tinkertinkerbell in reply to HelzBelzUK]

Honestly once your baby gets to the stage of smiling and they see you and smile like you’re the most amazing thing in the world - you won’t worry about that. I’m her whole world and that’s so clear once they’re here x

[HelzBelzUK in reply to Tinkertinkerbell]

Thank you for that I appreciate it xxx 💕