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Fertility Network UK
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my sister is struggling

hi this is my first post here, im not the one that struggles with infertility but my sister does, she is six years older then me, she has PCOS and after recent tests has been told she has sticky blood, she conceived naturally once 7 years ago and sadly ended in miscarriage and she just had her fifth round of ivf, one was a chemical one was a molar pregnancy ( I have no idea what that is ) another miscarriage and two bfn's, the reason m posting is because I have two children aged 7 and 5 and she dotes on them, however im currently 18 weeks pregnant, I no I need to tell her but I no from experience with my son how much this will hurt her, she has been trying so long and would be a amazing mum and I just feel awful that its easy for me and she is having such a hard time to create a family, when I told he about my five year she broke down and didn't talk to me for a while ( I understand this ) and she found it so hard to cope especially after 2 weeks of telling her she had her first bfn and I had no idea what to say, I couldn't make it better, now with this pregnancy she had her chemical pregnancy just before I found out I was pregnant, I don't want to break her heart she means everything to me but its not like I can hide it forever, as you ladies no from your own experience how she feels can you help me please

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You sound like a lovely sister, thinking about how this news might impact on your sister. It will be hard for her to hear your news but you're not going to be able to hide it for much longer. You're going to have to tell her ASAP. There's no easy way to tell someone who is struggling with infertility that someone who is close to them is pregnant. Whilst she will no doubt be upset and may not be able to talk to you for a while she will also feel pleased for you. It may help to explain you hadn't said anything before due to the timing with her chemical pregnancy. You know your sister best and the best way of telling her your news. I'd find a face to face very hard so perhaps consider other ways of telling her. That way she can process it in her own time without the pressure of looking pleased or getting very upset in front of you.

Good luck and congratulations.

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I no I need to tell her, its becoming more and more obvious each week and I spend a lot of time with her and buying baggier clothes to hide it makes me feel like im betraying her, but at the same time I really don't want her to be hurt, not again, we have always been really close and I don't want to cause a rift between us, I no that in time she will be happy for me, I guess I just feel like im rubbing it in her face ( I no that sounds daft as im certainly not planning getting pregnant every time she has bad new ) but it does seem like I get to have a new baby every time she doesn't and I no how much she has invested in having a family of her own and how much it breaks her heart, the rest of my family are hiding it from her two and I feel like were excluding her, maybe I could write her a letter as your right she shouldn't have to worry about her own feelings being shown, thank you for your advice I appreciate it

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A letter sounds like a good idea, perhaps start with "I didn't know how to tell you without causing you hurt." She may have guessed as you spend so much time together but she needs to know especially as other family members know.

She will be pleased but might need some time to get her had round it.

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Aw you sound so lovely and thoughtful of her feelings. I think you will just have to bite the bullet and yes it will hurt her, she will be gutted and may not talk to you but then at some point she will come round and learn to love your new baby like you your other two xxx

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My sister was really upset as she got pregnant really quickly after her wedding and I think she put off telling me as we had been trying for a few years and were due to start ivf. I would agree with not doing it face to face. I had to cope with my sister in law and sister getting pregnant very close together and I found it easier to cope with my sister who phoned me as she lived so far away. It gave me time to process it and hopefully she ll come to realise that it's another biological niece or nephew for her.x

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you sound lovely and caring shes lucky to have you.... I agree with the others that I prefer not to be told face to face. Its so hard to cope with the emotion on trying to be happy but really your sad and trying to control the tears! xx

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thank you all so much for your advice, I phoned my sister and told her, she responded pretty much the way I expected, I explained the reason I left it so long was because of the chemical pregnancy she had and I thought she had enough to deal with, she has already messaged to say she cant make it over to my house this week and that's fine I understand, I wish you ladies luck in getting the families you deserve and im so sorry its such a struggle for you

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I hope your sister will come round. It is painful being around people who are pregnant when u want it so badly yourself. But the world keeps turning and there will always babiesx

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