Went to epu today and they have confirmed no heartbeat after seeing a strong one only last Fri. They said baby stopped at 7w+6days (Sunday). They've given me the options and I've elected to have surgical management as I thought this was the least traumatic but now I'm having second thoughts given that they've told me that although rare, risks include perforated uterus, and worse still hysterectomy. This is my worst nightmare. Oh isn't very supportive and really cold about it trying to push me into surgical treatment. I'm not sure this is the right decision for me. He's actually quite horrible about it saying I just like drama. Not true. I'm heartbroken and grieving. He's adamant it's not a baby but it was to me. A living thing with a heartbeat. My dream gone in a split second.
Does anyone have experience of surgical management? I'm really scared.
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Jessy1280
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Hi Jessy. I haven't had experience of surgically managed miscarriage (I have had medically managed), but just wanted to say you've got to do what's best for you. They each have their pros and cons. I'm sorry your partner isn't being as supportive as you need. Maybe he is just not taking it very well. This is definitely a loss and a grief to you (even if it is different for your partner) and is a really rough time, so be gentle with yourself. Lots of love.
Hey Jessy, it’s a tough time and it’s understandable you feel anxious about making the right choice for you. I had surgical management and god forbid I ever had to make that choice again I would in a heartbeat. The risks are very low and if you choose medical management or to wait and all the tissue doesn’t pass there are risks of infection or that you’ll end up having surgery anyway. I found surgery a very quick and painless option, I didn’t bleed very much after at all and it allowed me to move on. It also meant I could choose to have the fetal tissue tested so we were able to know the cause of our miscarriage which for me as an IVF patient I was grateful to know for future. I had no complications post surgery and I have been able to get pregnant again since. If you have any questions feel free to ask xx
Thank you. I'm just scared to go for it and then if something went wrong I'd kick myself for not listening to my gut. I'm scared to make the wrong decision. I've heard horror stories of it affecting ladies linings. I can't believe I'm in this situation 😢. Did you get any answers from having it tested? X
I didn’t have any lining trouble at all after. There are often more stories when things go wrong on these forums so it may feel like it’s more common than it is - the risks are low but I understand your fears. We found out our baby had a Trisomy 16 which means she would never have survived after the first trimester, it’s one of the most common causes of early miscarriage and is often associated with babies that don’t grow much bigger than 7/8 weeks. It meant though that it was just one of those unlucky things that happens purely by chance and did not mean we’d go on to have more miscarriages which for us has been true. Good luck with whatever you decide xx
Hey hun x sorry to hear your oh isn't being very supportive at the mo. Can you talk to EPU again to see if they can go through pros and cons again? when is the surgery booked for?we will have to make the same decision next week and I'm torn at the mo about what to do. Here if you want to chat. be kind to yourself xx
Excuse my french but bastards. Maybe to them it’s not a baby because they have their babies at home but to us it’s always our baby and our dream. Don’t let anyone tell you anything any different you know how you feel about it. F**k what they think you have a right to feel the way you do and they should let you grieve. I had a surgical abortion many years ago and they missed removing some internal bleeding which I think might have caused my endo so I would suggest maybe getting the tablet that helps remove the pregnancy in its own time but it’s your body and your baby so you do whatever you feel is best. I’m so sorry and I hope whatever you decide to do is the best possible way for you to deal with it in your own time. Stay strong hun.xxxx
I'm so so sorry to see this sweetheart. No advice really, just wanted to send you big hugs xxx
Oh Jessy I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. There are no easy decisions just decisions that feel slightly less bad. I opted for medical management with my mmc last year and I found it long and traumatic. I ended up with it not being entirely successful and ending up being in hospital overnight twice. With my most recent loss I had a surgical procedure at almost 17 weeks and I found it much less traumatic, physically and emotionally. My periods are back to normal and I had an internal ultrasound last week which appeared normal so time will tell if I have any complications from it. I think all you can do is what you can manage at the time and for me it was surgical. I’m sorry you aren’t getting the support you deserve. Sending love xx
Oh Jessy I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling pressured and not supported. It’s such a difficult decision where unfortunately no options are very appealing, all with their own pros and cons. I really agonised over the decision for similar reasons. I was concerned about scarring with surgical. So I ended up going for medical management, which I actually found really traumatic. Not wanting to scare you (just saying because I wished I knew this beforehand) but for me it was a lot more than just taking a pill. Having to experience painful contractions for hours, that ended without a baby I just found really distressing. If I was ever unfortunate to be in that position again I would definitely opt for surgical. But everyone is different and only you can choose what is right for you. I really hope that you feel you have sufficient time to make the decision, rather than feeling rushed into it. Have you tried discussing your concerns with the staff. I found them really sensitive & patient when I was going back & fourth between options. Sending huge hugs xxx
Looks like I've just started bleeding. I'm not in any pain but I just woke up and went to the loo and it's just bright red blood but not heavy. I'm going to ring the hospital in the morning. I feel so depressed and lost x
Oh Jessy, you poor thing! I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I’ve been there and it’s utterly heart breaking.
In terms of management, I’ve had surgical twice now with no known issues. Once before my son and once after. I had my IVF son just after I turned 40. The miscarriage before him was devastating, so I can absolutely understand how you are feeling (and I had a supportive other half).
It may be the decision regarding surgery is now out of your hands, but definitely call your hospital when they open. I believe surgery is still possible in the early stages of a natural miscarriage, but even then it will depend if they have a slot available to do it for you.
Everyone is different, but I got signed off for 2 weeks after my first MMC. I literally stared at the wall all day and cried in my partners arms every night. When you have been on such a journey just to get pregnant it is a massive blow When it ends. You may not have a choice physically about what treatment route you have now, but be sure to do what is best for you emotionally.
And now is not the time, but hopefully stories like mine - I did go on to have a son who is now 15 months old - will eventually give you hope that it will happen for you. I believe it will.
Dear Jesse . You must feel devastated and heartbroken at present . You’ve made a sensible decision it appears to undergo the surgery but don’t give up hope . All surgery carries risks and dwelling on them is painful and disturbing but just to let you know I had 3 following miscarriages but 4 babies and it didn’t affect my uterine health. You will be feeling quite miserable which is normal . Try to rest as much as possible , and look after your general health . Thinking of you and send you love and my best wishes for a speedy recovery and great things for you in 2020
I don’t have any experience of surgery, but I did find myself in the position of having to decide how manage this situation.
My husband and I had our first attempt with IVF last summer. We were absolutely delighted when I got pregnant, but second blood text showed my HCG levels hadn’t risen sufficiently and so were told it was an unviable pregnancy. However, both ourselves and the nurse thought we saw a heartbeat on an early scan, so I continued on the meds for another week and the second scan confirmed no heartbeat. I was at a similar stage to you.
My nurse gave me the three options. I was of the mindset of having D&C because it just got it over with quickly, but she initially discouraged this saying it might result in some scarring. Even though she checked this with a colleague and clarified it probably wouldn’t, it was enough to make me reconsider.
In the end I let the pregnancy come away naturally, but in my case it took several weeks as my body was still in pregnancy mode, despite coming off the hormones etc.
It’s a very personal choice, but with all the intervention, I think letting nature takes its course is good and perhaps helps to prepare your body for the next time.
I am now 24wks pregnant from my second frozen embryo transfer.
Hope that helps in some way, best of luck to you and stay strong x
Hello I was just reading your message I lost My baby two weeks ago at 8 weeks I went for my 3 months scan only for me to be told the baby had died since 8 weeks. Will be preparing for another preg next year pls is there anything else you did this time around pls kindly advise as am trying to get preg again. Thanks
Thank you so much. The grief at the moment is unbearable. I'm scared my next cycle will fail as I had a BFN in August. I'm scared of not getting pregnant again. My hcg was rising but not doubling. It was 1065 to begin then 1755, 3588 then 5391. Rising a fair bit and my clinic weren't concerned by this. With hindsight maybe this was the problem from day 1. As I'm self funding I don't really have the funds to keep doing it but I know in my heart I can never give up being a mum.
Although I have two embies in the freezer (4-5ba and 1X4BB) from cycle 1, I have to use all 3 cycles in a year. So I will be doing my final cycle. The latest cycle I only had one viable embryo. I think this is because the quality of my partners sperm has deteriorated since cycle 1. His count and motility fluctuatates wildly since his VR. Its never the same two months running.
The dilemma is cycle 1 I got 18 eggs and 3 to freeze but developed OHSS and Bfn. Cycle 2 avoided ohss but only got 13 eggs, none to freeze, 1 fresh transfer and bfp.
I don't know whether having some to freeze is better given that it's my last cycle but fresh transfer obviously worked better for me and gave me my first ever bfp.
I saw this and wanted to offer some encouragement for the future. Only 1-2% of women have recurrent miscarriages so just because you’ve had one doesn’t mean you are likely to have another, in fact it’s very unlikely. I had been watching your posts and there were some warning signs, the HCG doubling rate being one (although I’ve seen this turn out to be ok more frequently and my HCG was much lower with this pregnancy yet so far all is going better than with my MC) but more importantly the difference of your dates from clinic to EPU. IVF dates literally cannot be wrong so measuring behind by more than a couple of days is often a worrying sign and is what happened to me too. Hospitals often don’t understand IVF pregnancies as well natural pregnancies where people can easily get their dates wrong. However, the good news is studies have shown the fact you got pregnant (regardless of the fact you miscarried) still makes you more likely to get pregnant again than if you’d had a BFN - it’s really good to know your body can get pregnant. Finally, regarding fresh vs frozen, I got my first ever BFP (followed my miscarriage) on a fresh. On my first cycle after the MC I had to have a freeze all and I’m now 17 weeks pregnant from a frostie from that cycle so both worked equally well for me. Fresh and frozen have very comparable success rates so I’d say the most important thing is that you got pregnant and I think you have every chance that you will get your rainbow xx
Thank you so much. Just read this to my partner. I have tears in my eyes. Up until now I've never been pregnant and thought there was something wrong with me. My baby was continually 5 days behind in terms of size to what my clinic was telling me.
I don't think I could cope with another BFN so I pray I get another bfp next time. You go through so much to even get to a bfp. Mmc is devastating. I'm expecting to have first natural period Jan, then starting again in Feb. Roll on February. Wishing you a healthy and happy pregnancy xx
My heart goes out to you it really does, it was this time last year that I had my loss and it was a really tough time but I promise with time it does get easier slowly. Give your body time to heal, it took mine quite a while for my HCG levels to drop to zero (5 weeks) and to get a bleed (11 weeks) so if it takes a little while know that can be normal. If I had my time again I would allow for one more natural period before going for IVF again as my body didn’t respond to the drugs at all first time we tried as it was still recovering. Your body can do it, and I’m so confident it will do do it again. If you ever need to talk feel free to message any time I know I felt so lonely after my loss xx
Thank you so much. I've been for bloods this morning and feel more comfortable knowing now that I'm having medical instead of surgical treatment. Long road ahead and right now it hurts like hell but I hope I can get there again x
I’m so sorry. Your story sounds just like mine. We were excited for our 12 week scan in April, after seeing a strong heartbeat at 7 weeks. But there was no heartbeat and we were both devastated. I felt I was pushed into medical management, and wasn’t told about the option to have surgical management under a local anaesthetic until the very last minute. I ended up just going with medical management. Tbh the midwives at the scan scared me with stories about the risks of the surgical route but at the hospital the next day I was told it was perfectly safe, but made to feel like they were prepared for MM so if I changed my mind it was an inconvenience. And it was horrendous. It was very painful and traumatic. At its worst it lasted around 18hours and then I had cramps for a few days and bleeding for 5 weeks. I’m not trying to scare you into sticking with SM if you feel it’s not for you, but if you do opt for MM just be prepared. If your partner isn’t being very sympathetic maybe have someone else stay with you, because you will need support.
Your baby was a baby, don’t let anyone tell you it wasn’t. Please be kind to yourself xx
So sorry for your loss 😟😟 I had surgical management, was quick and easy, no pain and barely and bleeding afterwards, i was advised by a nurse to go that route as she said she hadn't and it wasn't very nice. They really have to tell you about these risks as with every procedure, to get your consent. Why don't you discuss it with the doctor who will perform it, ask how many he's done if he's ever perforated etc..... As for your OH, my husband was similar at the time, 3 years later it's finally coming out that he's struggled and had a really hard time. Men cope in totally different ways to us, doesn't excuse him acting like that but maybe he's trying to be strong for you and thinks that's the way to go? Take care of yourself Xxxxxxx
Sending you massive hugs Jesse. So sorry you are having to experience this. You grieve as much as you need to. It’s so much tougher I think for us ladies as it’s all happening to our bodies and with all the hormones flying around it makes it even harder. We love our little embryos from the minute we know they are fertilised. I don’t have experience of surgical but I did have a medical management because for me I wanted to get the process started ASAP so I could move forward. I had a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks 4 days but the baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks so I thought my body needed help to get it started and for me the pain of waiting to see when it would happen made me feel worse. The medical management involved tablets and pessaries and a lot of cramping. Sorry to hear oh isn’t being very supportive 😞 you will definitely need someone to support you through this horrendous time. Sending you lots of love and thinking of you xxx
Hi Jessy, I'm so sorry for your loss. It is devastating and now you have to choose between the best of bad options. I was in the same situation a few months ago and after weighing up the options I decided for surgical management. It was the best decision for me to regain some control back and focus on myself. The risks are minimal so as long as the hospital has a good reputation you should consider it. I took a couple of weeks off work to recover. I'm now 7 weeks waiting for my first scan, so there is hope on the horizon. Xx
Ive had both D&C and natural miscarriages. D&C carries rare risks but you have to do whats right for you for each loss. The drs said to me, you can try natural or medically managed but you might wind up with d&c anyway. I was in a lot of pain (was given pethadene but it sent me loopy) so i just wanted it over so i could get on grieving. The procedure was 'great' woke up and it was all over. The natural miscarriage lasted for 4 weeks of scans blood tests and appointments. Found it very stressful but right for me at the time.
You may handle things very different to me, i found the pain and physicality of miscarriage was very difficult in the first, the second i felt my body knew what it was doing and was happy to take natural route. It is your decision, you have to do what is best for you. Best of luck. X
Hi Jesse I’ve had 2 natural mc at 12/13w and 1 surgical Mva which is like a d&c but your awake. 1st natural mc was painful with contractions 2nd I knew what to expect drugged myself with codeine was less painful but the baby got stuck in my cervix the epu had to remove it with forceps then they did medical management but didn’t work and I had all ready passed clots so it was unnecessary I had antibiotics just incase and was fine. My 3rd mc was around last Xmas I found out before we’d possibly mc went on for weeks with bloods and scans bleeding starting and stopping so I chose Mva which went fine no problems bleeding was minimal. My only concern is that we haven’t conceived since thought they’re might be scarring or something I’ve just had a hsg the technician did say my uterus has some lumps but could be anything sign of Endo, from prev pregnancies, age etc I do think I’m just looking for reasons why we haven’t & it’s just my aged eggs not good enough. I prob would have a Mva again just for the quickness and was less painful. Sorry your having to go through this it’s not a pleasant experience which ever you chose. X
Hi jess1280, I am very sorry to hear about your loss. A few years ago I was in the same situation as you. After a few dessus of thinking about it, I choose to have it removed surgically. the situation Was becoming too upsetting and stressful for me.
Like you, I was concerned with the risk but the surgeon said it was very rare. So I choose to do it for my sanity.
This was my personal choice and my husband supported me through this. You need to do what is best for you.
I was out on the same day with painkillers. Then a few days later I had a bleed.
My husband also didn’t see it as a baby at the time and I found it hurtful. We even argued about it in a few occasions.
Later in life, I understood that it was his way of coping.
Time will ease the pain and soon hopefully you will have a baby in your arms.
Sorry about your miscarriage... I've had 2 surgical and 1 medical and would go for surgical every time. Much less traumatic and i had no complications and recovery was much quicker after surgical. Good luck whichever you decide ♥
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ve done it both ways this year - the first I lost at 6 weeks, started bleeding, and then kept going for about a week and a half. I’ve had four babies with no drugs, so I’m pretty tough, but it was very painful. Then in September I was 11 weeks pregnant with a genetically normal baby girl and her heart stopped beating. I opted for a D&C with that one. The first miscarriage was pretty traumatic, but since it was going on between me and the toilet, everyone else acted like it was business as usual. When I had surgery, there was more acknowledgement that this was an actual serious situation. Sure there are some risks, but there are also risks with miscarrying naturally. Do whatever will bring you the most comfort.
Of course it was a baby, your baby, don't let anyone say otherwise. It 's really shitty news I know how you feel. It happened to me with a MMC at 9 weeks and I opted for surgical. It really was the best thing and all the NHS staff were excellent and really caring. I didn't worry about the less likely risks but I was worried about scarring on the womb lining, so I waited for 3 months before having an aqua scan to check before going on to further IVF (done privately, NHS won't pay for this). I couldn't bear going through medical management, I have a daughter already and she would end up seeing me go through that with all the bleeding and pain, I couldn't cope with that. In the end, it's the emotional side that you are left with and it's really hard. For a lot of women the bond with a baby only a few weeks old in the womb is the same as when they are born so your partner saying it's not a baby is denial. Do what is right for you, and tell your partner how much what he says is hurting you. If he can't say anything else that's more supportive, make sure you are around those who can be and keep away until he can be better with you - the mother always really feels the loss alot more than the dads, I think it's because they are not the one's pregnant.
Hi Jessy, I’m so sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to chime in because this happened to us at 8.5 weeks. They said there was no heartbeat after a strong one just a week before. It was measuring 2 days behind so they said it just happened. I came back two days later for a D&C and requested one last ultrasound to be sure. I don’t know why but I just needed another look. There was a heartbeat! Our baby was fine! I know this isn’t the normal but it CAN happen and I think it might happen more often than people know. Best wishes to you, I know it’s such a long and painful journey. Hugs
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