Feeling heartbroken

[lmno]

I just found out my best friend is pregnant and I feel utterly heart broken. It’s such a weird mixture of things. If I hadn’t miscarried I would have been due in Feb and she is due in June. The thought of being able to raise babies together is something I would have loved. It obviously brings up the whole “why them?” “It’s not fair” thing (they got pregnant immediately and we’ve been TTC for 4 years with multiple failed IVF rounds, a miscarriage and currently treatment on pause while my cycle has gone mad with a cyst and a 19 day bleed). The hardest thing though is that I am finding life so painful right now with just too much loss and too many stressful situations (our house is literally falling apart and we can’t afford to fix it and my job is looking very precarious) that I know it will effect my friendship with her. I just don’t know how I’ll cope with seeing her bump and then when the baby arrives. It feels like I’m going to lose my best friend too just because it’s so painful and I’m not coping well with our journey. I’m genuinely pleased for her but it’s so incredibly painful too and I the thought of not being able to lean on her feels like another huge loss. This journey feels unbearably cruel sometimes and I wonder how much more pain I can take. 💔

[destiny121]

I could have written this before I finally got my bfp. And it does pain me to see what we have to go through to achieve what is so easy for others. My advice is to speak to your friend and explain how you feel and tell her how genuinely happy you are for her and don’t take it the wrong way if you are not there for her the way she would have liked. It sounds as if you’re very close so she should understand. I did the same thing when my friend became pregnant and I missed her baby shower... showed no interest when the baby was born because it was to painful for me to bear. When I eventually got my bfp 3 years later..... I expected everyone to be there for me... and the same friend came to my shower... came to visit baby and I felt a horrible sense of guilt. So my point is.... if you can... I know it will be hard but just try to be the best you can with her because when you do get your longed for bfp which you will....you will want her to be there for you 😘.... wishing you all the baby dust in the world lovely xxx

[lmno in reply to destiny121]

Thanks so much for your reply. It’s such a comfort to have someone understand (although I’m sorry you’ve been through it too). Having had a few hours to digest I think the thing I’m most worrying about it feeling like I will need to withdraw and lose such a big part of my support system as a result. Your advice is really helpful - I think a good chat with her will help. Xx

[destiny121 in reply to lmno]

I think when we first hear about someone else’s bfp it hits us like a tonne of bricks and our hearts melt. But Once you digest the news etc the pains eases a little.... hope your friend understands once you speak to her....

[HollyT7]

I know exactly what you mean, when we had our loss, not long after my "best friend" text me to tell me. I literally didn't see her for the whole 9 months. You will find your own way of coping, whatever that may be. Jus to do what's right for you. If it changes the friendship so be it, she should understand, if she knows the circumstances, that distance may help you along. I hope that everything works out for you real soon xxxx

[CBOO1]

I honestly know EXACTLY how you feel right now & I know it’s a pain that runs so deep it’s just all consuming. When we were in our 2WW on our first cycle one of my closest friends told me she was having twins - they hadn’t even been together that long! I freaked out - my body shook so much & I cried till I thought I was going to have a heart attack. Then we found out it had failed. I didn’t see her throughout her whole pregnancy & I still haven’t seen her or the babies. 2 weeks after our negative another really close friend told me she was pregnant - again as soon as they had started trying. Our babies would have been 2 weeks apart. We’ve just had our second cycle during which time whilst we were away having it, our little cat got killed by a car, that broke my heart more than anything, then my friend had her baby on the Friday & I got a BFN on Monday. Life is so so cruel. I feel so isolated from all my friends but I know it’s of my own doing because it’s just too painful seeing them. I’m having my first counselling session tomorrow so if it’s any help I will let you know. Feel free to message any time, sorry for the long winded reply I just wanted you to know I really do know how you feel! Much love xxx

[_MrsC]

It’s really hard! This happened to me and I was honest with my friend and she couldn’t accept it. I ended up losing the friendship. I do miss the friendship but I can now look at it with fond memories. Having a friend through ivf is an incredible gift. Having a friend who stays with you when you have to call it a day and know that there will be no children is even greater. Our journey did not end at the destination we’d planned. We’re somewhere else but that’s ok and we’re blessed with other friendships and other things in our lives. Be honest with your friend but do be prepared for her not to understand. You will be ok. There are people out there who will be supportive. Put yourself with them and they will help you through the darkest of days. I really hope you get to your planned destination with your friend on the journey with you. But, if it doesn’t work out, know you will be ok. Life will be different but can still be very rewarding. xxx

[FrancyItaly]

If you read my past posts I shared something very similar not long ago. I know exactly how you feel. I had a miscarriage in September, my baby was due in March. My best friend who is due in a couple of weeks and we were so happy to know our children were going to be the same age, 3 months difference! Another friend just told me she is due in April and another one in June. I would like to show more enthusiasm to them but I just can’t. This is totally normal, don’t worry, think about yourself and try to stay positive as much as you can. Your journey might be longer but you will get there one day!

[Alyssa123]

Hi there! I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can understand how hard it is for you right now. I lost a lot of friends because of this. But during this time, it uncovered many things. True friends stayed with me and understood me. They supported me in my bad time and are still here with me in my good time. I know it's hard to see someone with babies so just avoid just confrontations. Everything else will be alright. You just need to gain your strength back and try again. Hopefully this time it will work out for you. Good luck! Stay blessed. Take care. Bye!

[sadievalentie]

Hi there! I am so sorry for what you are going through. It's not an easy thing to see your loved ones with their children. It breaks a person from inside out. When my sister got her baby and i was struggling, i always avoided meeting her. And Whenever i did, i tried to stay away from the baby. But as time passed, things got better for me. So don't worry, it will take some time but you will get used to it. Also try to focus on yourself and not on others. Things will work out for you as well. Good luck. Stay blessed. Take care. Bye!

[LorrieWalden]

Hi there! I feel so bad for you. It's a very hard thing to deal with. It's true, if you are sensitive you will have to distance yourself from that friend. Or else you will always get jealous and not think straight. If it's your best friend, maybe you should try your best to be there for her. She will understand your feelings as well. I lost many friends during this period of time, so in my opinion don't let this happen to you. I lost my bestfriends and even my cousin because of this. You have to be strong if you want to get through. I will pray that this journey gets easier for you. Take good care of yourself. Good luck! Goodbye!

[lmno]

Thanks for such kind and understanding replies. We caught up this week and had a really good chat and both cried. She’s an amazing friend and so understanding of what we’re going through, but it still hurts like hell. My period finally arrived today (after a crazy 42 day cycle) which means we should be starting our last FET cycle this month but I honestly don’t know if I can face it. I feel like I’m already at breaking point and I honestly don’t know if I could cope with any more pain/heartache if it doesn’t work. Does anyone have experience of delaying a FET through an NHS clinic at the last minute? My husband wants to go ahead with it but I don’t think he gets that I’m in such a bad place and that it doesn’t have such a big impact on his day to day functioning. Any advice?

[HopeIVFul]

Hi,

When I first found out I needed IVF and got diagnosed with PCOS.. my sister told me she was pregnant, she knew my situation and I could see the sadness on her face telling me, it’s totally normal to feel disheartened and I didn’t think I would be able to stop feeling sad (although I felt totally awful and selfish at the same time).

In fact my sister knew exactly what I was going through and was very thoughtful all the way through her pregnancy and would always ask me how I am and where I was upto with my process... now I have a beautiful nephew.

It gets easier to be happy for others while feeling sad for yourself by having the hope that it will be you one day.

Keep yourself time and space to process it all! Don’t stop giving up and if your friend doesn’t know about your situation then tell her so she has the chance to understand xx