Sad friend - how can I help her?

[Bunnywoo]

Hi All, I am looking for a bit of advice. Whilst I am about to start IVF myself NEXT WEEK eeek (Starting buserelin injections on day 21 of my cycle, using donor eggs, and ICSI, but still not totally aware of exact details of my plan) I am seeing a very dear friend this weekend who is suffering anxiety and sadness about a possible failed 2nd transfer of her first round of (OE) IVF - ( she's started bleeding following a BFP. I can totally relate to some of the feelings she may be going through, but as I haven't started the actual IVF process yet, I don't want to say the wrong thing to her. Bleeding doesn't always mean the end of the road, and even if it is, she's still got some embies in the freezer, so its not the end of the road for her yet, but I don't want to be annoyingly positive towards her when I know she's probably feeling like her world is falling apart. Can you guys help? What has helped you when you have suffered an IVF failure? I just want to be there for her this weekend x

[Melodys99]

Hi

I think it's just important to have a friend just to be there, even if you dont know what to say it's just nice to know your not forgotten. Multiple failed rounds of ivf are very isolating. Its lovely that you care about her enough to ask Xx personally the only thing that gets me is when people expect you just to give in when that's not even an option for me personally. Xx

[Bunnywoo in reply to Melodys99]

Thank you for the reply. Yes it's horrible when people say you should give up, I have had that (and I have not even started!) xx

[Nodds in reply to Melodys99]

What a lovely person you are, wanting to support your friend.

My advice would be to just be normal, don't talk about it unless she mentions it, and if she does, just listen. She's not expecting you to have any answers; she'll just want a friendly ear and some empathy.

What I would say though is that it's important to protect yourself from absorbing any (potential) negativity, just as you're starting such an important phase in your treatment. It's completely ok to be a bit selfish and look after yourself.

I had a very good friend who had sadly miscarried whilst I was going through treatment. We met for coffee, I listened to how she was feeling, she didn't ask me anything about my treatment (even though she knew) and when she started talking about the details (which were pretty horrific!) I asked her not to tell me. I didn't need/ want to introduce any further worries into my mind. I think she was surprised, but understood my reasons. IVF is stressful enough without hearing the horror stories of what might happen next!

Don't worry about the weekend; remember that only the strongest are selected for our journey.

Lots of luck

Nodds x

[Bunnywoo in reply to Nodds]

Awww thanks Nodds, I hadn't thought about protecting myself. That's very sad about your friend, but can totally see why you'd ask her to stop providing the details. I am feeling very numb about my treatment. I'm not overly hopeful it'll work but trying a bit to be optimistic. To be honest I am just keeping busy and will deal with it when it happens. xx

[Cinderella5]

We're all a bit different I guess....no wrongs or rights! For me someone just being there for me and a bit of sympathy goes a long way. Sometimes positivity is not what you want to hear. It may not be over for her and I think you could say that you're keeping your fingers crossed for her but dont go too far. Has she been able to speak to her clinic? How far along is she? She's lucky to have such a kind friend....just let her know that you're there for her if she wants to talk or hug it out. If she has lost the baby then let her wallow for a bit, I didnt really want to see anyone but again that's not for everyone....a little bunch of flowers or chocolates wouldnt go a miss.xx

[Bunnywoo in reply to Cinderella5]

Thanks for your reply! Yes I am going to watch the positivity this weekend. I know it can be annoying and probably not what she wants to hear. Like I felt so irritated when well meaning people were saying "atleast you can get pregnant" following my 3 MCs. I've proposed a weekend of PJs in front of the log burner drinking tea, perhaps some cheesey movies/netflix and I will bake a cake and get some nice snacks in. xx

[Cinderella5 in reply to Bunnywoo]

Sorry for your losses! Yes, I think people pointing out stuff like that isnt the way. You sound like you have a lovely plan right there....what a good pal! I think just listening is the important bit if she wants to talk about it really.xx