Log in
Fertility Network UK
16,367 members26,854 posts

Family Gathering don't want to go!

Hi, so this weekend there is a family get together planned and I really don't know whether I should go or not. I had a failed ivf cycle at the end of July and two weeks after that my sister in law told me she was pregnant. She is now 4 months gone and has told the rest of the family about a month ago, this weekend will be the first time that they will have seen her since telling them her news. I am happy for her but at the same time I can't help thinking that should be me. I don't know if I can deal with everyone saying ah look at your bump, will you find out the sex and all the questions that come with it. I'm due to have a FET in a week and really don't want to feel stressed or have added pressure. But at the same time I feel guilty if I don't go as I will have to make up an excuse. I know that when I get there I will have that horrible sick feeling you get in your stomach. Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you do and how did you cope with it? Should I just man up and go? X x

18 Replies
oldestnewest

Oh you poor thing, I really wouldn’t go if I was you. Don’t put yourself through it. Like you said you don’t want to stress yourself out unnecessarily and it won’t be easy. Xxx

1 like
Reply

Aww so sorry you feel like this.

It's just mean.

I think that you should put yourself no.1!! You have a great cycle starting and you need to be focused and happy with everything (if that's possible).

If you feel that going woll set you back then don't go.

I had a failed fet last month and on the day of my follow up, my sister who's 1 year younger than me text me to tell me I'm going to be an auntie again! I had told my sister about the follow up appointment but she had forgot. I was so upset and angry at the time and totally understand what you're feeling at the moment.

Main point, do what you need to do. You're going through enough at the moment without adding stress. Xxx

3 likes
Reply

Hi Faith,

This is a brutal situation and one I've experienced myself in many occasions. Its so hard putting yourself in a situation that you know is going to make you feel like shit. When I first found out my OH and I had a 1 in 500 chance of getting pregnant I felt resentment for anyone who managed it so easily. Neighbours, Cousins, Ex's, Workmates! But my advice is go and enjoy yourself. Don't exclude yourself from your family and although it will be hard, these situations give you such a thicker skin. Be proud of yourself for going and just know that when your time comes, your pregnancy will be amazing and all about you. Keep your chin up :) x

3 likes
Reply

aww, hun, this sounds like not something you should do at the moment. I am sure that anybody (if they knew your current situation) would understand if you make up a genuine excuse and stay home instead (maybe a fever)?

Your FET is so close!! just concentrate on you and your loved one at the moment, nothing wrong will happen if you miss the family gathering this time. It's time to turn down any possible stressful or painful situations, think about your own mental health in view of the next FET. Please don't feel bad for not going!!

And good luck for the next transfer hun xx

1 like
Reply

I was in a similar situation with my SIL 2 years ago, I’d just had a miscarriage and then a failed cycle and then she announced she was pregnant with her 2nd, it absolutely broke me. I avoided seeing her and her growing bump for my own protection and explained to my mum the reasons I couldn’t be around her.

I personally wouldn’t go, it’s okay to put yourself first especially with how close your next FET is. You definitely shouldn’t feel guilty, I think on this journey we’re all guilty of putting ourselves through situations to please others - it took me a long time to realise I didn’t have to do that xx

2 likes
Reply

Hello, Can I ask how you are seeing your SIL now she's had the baby? Were you nervous or struggled to be around your niece/nephew?

Reply

When he was born I did push myself to go and visit as I knew none of this was his fault. I struggled being around her and my nephew because of the type of person she is - when she announced her pregnancy she told me she knew was it was like to struggle as this time had taken her 5 months!

Her and my brother have now split up so I see my nephews regularly through him, I still don’t put myself in situations that I think will mentally cause me more harm than good - I didn’t go to their birthday parties and the thought of being around lots of young children was unbearable.

Reply

That must have been very hard for you. That must have been hard not to say anything when she said 5 months. My SIL has had a couple of miscarriages in the year of trying which must have been terrible for her but I still can't help but feel resentment maybe that makes me a bad person and she is pregnant with her second. I just feel like my life is paused and I'm stuck, and everyone around me is moving on and I'm just trapped. I so badly want my son to have a sibling and feel guilty that my nephew will be and my son is missing out. Don't get me wrong I am so blessed to have my son but just feel my family isn't complete just yet x x

Reply

We did fall out initially as I wasn’t able to bite my tongue at the comments she made. I don’t think it makes you a bad person just a normal one, it’s hard watching everyone else lives come together when it’s what you so badly want x

1 like
Reply

Thanks for your reply. I am dreading a family function because my MIL will be the only one out of all her sisters who isn't a grandmother and everyone will be fussing around all those with children and asing when when I am going to have a baby etc but I don't feel like I can keep on making excuses anymore. I am bitter towards his cousin for other reasons and her getting pregant so easily was the last straw. After 7 years I think it may be time to just accept I'll never know the feeling of being a mother and holding my own baby and just sort of give up.

Reply

I think only you will know when you can’t put yourself through it anymore, it’s not a case of giving up but protecting yourself. Maybe if you feel able to be honest with them about your feeling it might help social situations, I wasn’t sure how my family would take it but it was easier than always trying to think of excuses.

Reply

You do what makes you feel the most comfortable & don’t feel guilty. It is ok to have some self preservation and protect yourself. Do something nice for yourself instead and try not to worry. Xx

1 like
Reply

People always have different opinions on this but you should do whatever makes you feel most comfortable. If it’s so close to your FET then don’t do anything to stress yourself out. You could always decide on the day. You may have fun going, but you know yourself best and how you are likely to feel x

2 likes
Reply

She is your sister in law and you will have to see her eventually but right now you are going through something that few people can understand and I tink it is important to put yourself and your feelings first. If she knows about the failed IVF you could always be open and honest and I think she will be forgiving if not understanding. I completely understand if you don't want any of them to know so it's fine to make an excuse.

Almost a year ago, my husbands cousin lost a parent to illness and I couldn't bring myself to go to the funeral and face everyone, especially his cousin as she was heavily pregnant at the time. I was on antidepressants and seeing a counsellor due to the fact that I have been trying for over 7 yeras to get pregnant with my husbands fertility issues. Drs recommended IVF but funding on the NHS stops when you reach 40 which I am and we can't afford to go private. I couldn't face all the pregancy comments and seeing her very large bump so I told everyone I was struggling with depression and anxiety which was true but I didn't say why I was depressed. I sent flowers to the family with my deepest sympathy etc.

Reply

Very sorry to hear this I think the funding situation we have in the UK is so wrong and so unfair. We have to pay private as I already have a son who I conceived naturally but have been trying for 3 years and have unexplained secondary infertility. I think everyone is entitled to a free go on the nhs regardless of age, or whether one partner has a child from a previous relationship etc it's just so wrong. X

Reply

Hey lovely. I faced this just this weekend. I didn’t go. We had a failed IVF in September and my sister in law is due to give birth next week. I just knew I couldn’t cope with it so made my excuses. Hubby went but I just couldn’t face it. One day i’ll tell her about it - but right now I just couldn’t. Start my FET on 1 november so want to focus on feeling better for then. Whatever decision you make it’s ok. But do it for you xxx

1 like
Reply

Thanks for the reply. It seems we are both in a similar situation my FET transfer is in a week. It's so hard when someone so close to you is pregnant some days are good and some are so hard to get through. But trying to stay positive is the best thing to try and do. Have you been having accupunture as I didn't the first time round but I have now and I found that really helps. Good luck and all the best. X

Reply

Sorry to hear about your failed cycle earlier this year. I totally understand what you’re saying about this family get together. I had a family christening recently which was really tough going. I think especially with your FET so close now, don’t be afraid to put yourself first and stay at home if you don’t feel up to it. You don’t need the added stress. Wishing you lots of luck with your transfer xx

Reply

You may also like...