I found out mid-December, during a 9 week scan the devastating news that I was having a missed miscarriage - heartbeat had stopped at 8 weeks 3 days.
My consultant had been monitoring me closely as both embryos put back at ET had yolks in them at the viability scan. We had already found out two weeks prior to loosing the 2nd twin, that the first twin didn’t have a heartbeat.
I can’t tell you how much I’ve cried in the last month.
That last round of was our 4th fresh IVF cycle (7th including FETs).
In total, we are 7 years trying. I’ve only ever knowingly been pregnant through the 4 fresh IVF cycles we’ve done since 2017 - the FETs have never worked for us.
During those 4 fresh cycles, they’ve collected 55 eggs with 12 making it to day-5 blastocysts, however, none of them have resulted in a live birth (the other 3 pregnancies were with our old clinic and were lost before the viability scans).
My AMH, checked in 2021, is 38.2 pmol/L.
I’m desperate to be pregnant again, however I’m 42 I’m beginning to feel like I need to come to terms with it never happening for us.
We have a meeting set up via our UK clinic with a Spanish clinic next week but I’m really struggling with it.
Is there anyone out there in similar circumstances to us who have actually made the decision to go down the donor egg route?
My husband doesn’t want to adopt, he’s scared of the circumstances surrounding it i.e. family of adoptee - what they will be like/will the child be influenced by them negatively etc? I understand where he is coming from-I know not all adoptions will be a bed of roses - I have read some newspaper articles about couples adopting and the children getting drawn in by their biological family back into drugs and then leaving the adoptive parents. I don’t know if either of us have the mental and emotional capacity left to deal with a trauma like this, in addition to what the last 7 years have dished out to us. I know my husband certainly doesn’t.
I have an open mind about adoption (my 40 y/o best friend was adopted in Ireland and her experience was very positive), however I know a lot has changed, plus in the UK the focus is on keeping the child with the biological family & if not, ensuring contact is kept up throughout their life and in most circumstances, rightly so.
Is there anyone out there struggling in the same way as us and not being able to agree about adoption?
Is their anyone who has gone down the egg donation route and never looked back?
I’m thinking of postponing the donor egg appointment - I don’t know if I’m still grieving or I’m finding it hard to come to terms with the idea that if we do it and it works - would someone randomly commenting that the baby looks like me when I know genetically, that would be impossible, be too much for me? Particularly if my husband would be the genetic parent and wouldn’t have 1st hand experience of it the way I would - so who else could I share this feeling with who would truly understand?
I don’t know anyone who has done donor eggs.
I really don’t know which way to turn, but I can’t see a life without having any children.
Thanks for reading.
Xx
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Downonthefarm
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Wow, what a journey you have had and I am so sorry about your MMC in Dec, truly heartbreaking and you are so incredibly strong. Have you had any tests following the miscarriages?
There is so much unknown and it could be the next embryo is that one that makes it. If however it's the egg quality then donor eggs could definitely help increase the chances on a life birth. Or there are some immune protocols which could help if there's an issue like NK cells stopping the pregnancy from progressing.
I've not quite had the same experience but after 4 embryos and at 39 we decided on a last go with donor eggs. My OH also wont consider adoption and I have to accept there are some things he will research and can come around on and others he wont.
We have friends who used a donor which really helped to talk to. I feel sad that people might say 'she has your nose' and I will have to say ' that's not possible' but if it's no baby or an amazing gift someone else has given us then I need to try this before accept we have no children.
The donor conception network have some useful info and also listened to a podcast where they discussed with a donor conceived child which helped me accept that we will be on an unconventional journey but when that baby is in my arms, and I will have carried them I won't care about anything else! I'm still nervous and hope to find others going through the same so can have a little support network.
I would say keep the appointment so you know your options but theres no rush. Using a younger donor means you have less 'ticking clock' worries so you can take your time to grieve your recent loss, talk it over with your partner and see how you feel.
Thanks for your reply. I’m sorry about your own difficulties too. Although I know it’s not an easy journey for any of us, it’s comforting to know there are people out there who understand.
Thanks for the info on the network, I will look up that and have a listen to the podcast too. I think it will help me make up my mind. To be honest with you, I postponed my appointment with the Spanish clinic shortly after I posted my query on here, but anyway that doesn’t mean we won’t do it. The appt is already paid for, so I know we can arrange it again soon.
Another thing I’m not clear on is the difference between the UK and Spanish system - which I need to research more - in Spain I know donors are anonymous, which I know for some people (my husband) is ideal, however I’m not sure about it. I worry about the child (a child I don’t even have yet, which is kind of ridiculous!) and that it would be unfair for them to have difficulty finding info about their genetic mother (I think the UK system is not anonymous, but could be wrong). With high-insight I booked the appointment out of desperation at the beginning of Jan to be pregnant again but I know I need to do more research into this and understand the system better before we have the appointment itself, so I’m better informed.
Regarding the egg quality, idk what to think. The chances of me getting pregnant with my own eggs at my age are apparently 15% or less while donor is 50%. The consultant says that given my AMH, I could go again with my own and she seems to think getting them to day-5 is a good thing (although I’d nearly rather stick them in at day 3 as I feel they’re better in me then sitting in a petri-dish for another 2 days. However, the problem with that is, I had 4 at day-3 the last time, so we had to wait to narrow it down at day 5 - when two made it).
The doubts I have are that I don’t know if I can keep trying with my own knowing the chances are so low. My mindset is already a bit defeatist about my own before I’ve even started, which isn’t a good way to go into it. I’m sorry, this sounds really depressing, I wish right now I had more strength and belief to push through and use my own eggs. I just don’t know if I can keep putting us through this, if that makes sense.
In answer to you question re my MMC, the doctor following my surgery told me they were sending my foetus to a lab in London for chromosomal error testing (karyotyping I think it’s called). She also said only 5% of results come back with answers, so most people will never know the reason why they loose their pregnancy. She also said it can take 3-4 months for a result to come back - I don’t know why it takes so long - I was too out of it at the hospital to ask any further questions. (At 42 and given my history, I feel like l 3-4 months is a long time to wait for results - I could do another round in that time)
I think I’ve asked both my consultants about NK cells - is this what they call “killer cells”?
Thanks very much
Xx
Hey lovely, I am so sorry you are struggling and so sorry for your loss. I have been in a similar situation but not the same and I am very aware all experiences are very individual.
We have been TTC for nearly 7 years. We have managed to get pregnant 3 times naturally but had blighted ovum MMC, chemical and early MMC at 6 weeks. We have done a total of 6 fresh rounds of IVF, transferring 16 embryos in total. We have had 2 IVF chemicals and similar to your recent MC a heartbeat but then MMC confirmed at 9.5 weeks (baby measured 7.5 weeks). And 3 IVF BFNs. My last IVF was a chemical at 43. My clinic said I could keep going but they thought it would just keep going the same way. I went to a second clinic who said I should consider donor eggs and do a full load of tests.
I came back with some sticky blood issues but I have always been on blood thinners during pregnancy so thats not the reason for my MCs. I do have some fibroids and I am about to have surgery for them as have been told they could cause issues but my previous clinic said they wouldn't.. however the main thing was both clinics eventually said they thought I just had 'old' eggs (even though my AMH is 12 and high for my age). And if I wanted to optimise my chances of a family I should use DE. My OH and I discussed adoption but he wasn't up for it for various reasons.
its taken me a year to get my head round DE, and to be honest some days I still don't have my head round it. We have 3 DE embryos in the freezer and I feel so removed from them at the moment. I can't transfer them until 6 months after my operation which is hopefully next week covid allowing. So I will be 45 when we eventually transfer. Much older than I wanted to be but for the first time I do have some hope because we are doing something different and I feel like we are optimising our chances.
Maybe time for a second opinion for you? Feel free to PM me if you want to ask any questions because believe me whatever you are thinking I have thought it! xx
I am really sorry that you are going through this.
I am considering egg donor conception. I have had 3 failed ivf cycles and have never been pregnant. The embryos i create have fragmentation and slow development from start. Also, the drop in the numbers was substantial from cycle 2 to cycle 3 as well. Anyway... I still have one frozen embryo to use, hopefully in the next few weeks, but it's not good quality and i don't expect much. I am using it so I can move forward.
I will then need to decide between one last round with my own eggs or moving to egg donor. Financially it makes sense to move straight to egg donor. But finances are not the only factor.
I believe that most people who choose this route don't look back. It's an option for people with infertility to become parents. For most people what it matters everyday is that you raise a child with your partner amd not the genetics.
It is a big decision and it needs time and work to get there. I would suggest counselling and looking at other families that used donor conception (books, podcasts, support groups).
I personally am not sure about the complete anonymity that is the case in the country I am having treatment but I do not want to wait 3 or 4 years to have a donor in UK either. I am also a little worried about friends and family how they would react, what if my parents treat a donor conceived child differently than their other grandchildren? My family and friends have always been so focused on who looks like whom when a new baby is born. I feel like I would have to educate everyone about it.
Adoption is a whole other process, very complex as well. In my job I see many cases of adopted young people who struggle a lot in their teen years and parents who can't cope with them. That has put me off. I am not sure I will be able to deal with this.However I keep reminding myself that there are plenty of successful adoption cases out there and I don't see these in my job because they don't need help, they do fine!
Both situations involve potential identity issues for the children, in that they grow up in families different or partly different than their genetics. That's why I struggle with the anonymity. I do think though that the fundamental difference in the donor route is the decision for this child to be conceived and brought in the world is made by the parents who raise them. Whilst in adoption this decision was made by the genetic parents who for whatever reason were not able to raise them. That alone can be a lot to process.
I am not sure if I have been of any help. I wish you find the answers you are looking for.
I don't know if it helps, but we didn't want to go overseas as we wanted the child to be able to find out who their donor mum was, so we went with a clinic in the UK (London) and it took 4 months to find a donor - so it needn't be years x
Thank you Daisy. I was told that was the wait for donor treatment in Scotland, I assume with NHS? Anyway... In UK do they can guarantee to match your heritage/ethnicity/nationality?
Oh sorry, perhaps I am giving you misinformation - we had to go private as too old for NHS. It works differently across clinics but we got to choose ethnicity, hair colour, eye colour, height and weight and then could choose education level if we wanted to x
I haven't researched egg donor conception in UK yet. I had a failed cycle with a private clinic in Greece after 2 failed cycles with NHS here. So at the moment I am looking into Greece. We will see! Thank you again
Hi @downonthefarm honestly it’s all so cruel. Sorry you’re going through this. I’m also 42 and just had another failed FET have an appointment with my consultant on Thurs to discuss next steps. I don’t think he’s ready to give up on my eggs yet but I’m not feeling very positive about the chances tbh. I can totally see how and why donor eggs would be right some people, even me… but like you I just can’t get my head around it. I think I might feel resentful towards my partner that he’s related and I’m not. I know that probably doesn’t paint me in a great light but that’s how I feel… also I just feel angry and frustrated that I just can’t seem to make it work. And it’s all so tiring and expensive!
I don’t have the answers but what I have done is what I always do which is research.
I decided that if I did use donor eggs I’d want it to be open donation.
That id probably go to Denmark or Russia to do it. Partner prefers Denmark.
Approached the clinics and asked for pricing and waiting list etc. that way it doesn’t fee out of reach.
Came up with a back up plan for using my eggs. Either one or three more rounds of mild IVF and genetically test the embryos.
If I get any that are normal think then before transferring about any problems that I might have such as doing an ERA which my consultant doesn’t believe in. I’ve also had MrI and hysteroscopy so I know there is no structural abnormality.
I’ve also started reading around nuclear transfer which I believe is a method two clinics in the Ukraine offer and one in the UK, but the UK one you have to have a genetic disease.
Anyway, as I say I don’t have it figured out. The other option I’ve considered is just sodding it all off and working in Oz as I could get a job there very easily. My partner said he was up for it but not really sure he meant it.
All I know is that I can’t go on on this shit show for more than another two years. I really can’t. I’ll have to draw a line somewhere x good luck
Hi Katie, I can so resonate with your post and have similar thoughts… I too have started to think about wanting to escape my life and start somewhere new, leaving the trauma of infertility and childlessness….
Thanks for coming back to me. TBH, a lot of what you’ve said about you’re feelings, I’ve felt them too. I’m sure many people do, it’s a lot to wrap your head round.
Hi,It's such a tough journey. I feel your pain and don't want to go down the adoption or DE route although I'm told nobody looks back.
I've been looking at all the latest developments. I was going to have Ovarian rejuvenation, but a few people on here said it didn't work for them. My understanding is that they've refined how they do it though.
The other thing I'm exploring is cytoplasmic transfer, which means they take the cytoplasm from a young donor and transfer it to your eggs. It gives you a 5-6% better chance and they'll do tandem , so they'll also do some just donor eggs and if it doesn't work you can go back for those. I can only find one clinic that does this though.
There was also a small trial where they remove the nucleus from your egg and put it in a donor egg. 90% of the egg DNA is from you. They've had a few births from this, but there's only one clinic in Mexico I can find offering it at the moment. The trial I was referring to was in Greece and was a collaboration with a Spanish firm.
I presume you've tried DHEA?
I'm 50/50 at the moment which way to go. So exhausted by my ivf journey, that donor seems the simplest way forward, but then I just want to give something else a try.
I hope I have given you some options to consider and not confused you with experimental options. At 42 I don't think it's game over for you. You have great AMH and you can produce eggs, so it's a question of how can you give them the best chance. Some clinics just recommend a modified natural cycle to be easier on the eggs. It might be worth setting up a few meetings with different clinics to get some opinions.
Thanks for the info. Some of these things things I’ve not heard of. So I probably need to do a bit of reading on some of these while I’m also looking at donor. katiehopeful81 , you mentioned nuclear transfer, is this the same thing as removing nucleus from your egg that Hopecontinues mentions here?
Re DHEA, I’ve read about that in Rebecca Fetts book, but I’ve never tried it - I thought it was primarily for people who produce low numbers? I think mine is probably low quality. Perhaps it wouldn’t do any harm to think about it if I decide to go with my own again. I remember mentioning it to my first clinic and he dismissed it at the time. Both my new consultant and old one are very focused on evidence-based treatment, which I know in a lot of ways is good, but in some ways not so good.
I hope you are also able to come to a decision on what’s best for you too. It’s a very difficultly journey/decision.
I'm sorry you're going through this 💔 miscarriage is so heartbreaking. We decided on donor eggs. However, our donor only ended up making one good embryo, so we adopted an additional embryo to implant. It's been difficult to deal with all the feelings you've mentioned. Will people think the baby doesn't look like me? Will the baby grow up and reject me for not being genetically related?
I'm pregnant now with a singleton and have no idea which embryo made it (donor egg or adopted). I'm just so happy to be welcoming our baby soon. When you feel the baby kick and see the ultrasound you won't care who's egg it was. The worries I've had are slowly going away each day I get closer to delivery.
I know people who have adopted and strangers tell them how much their child looks like them. I've taken my friend's children out for activities and people assume they are mine even though they're a different race and look nothing like me. So I don't think you have to worry about that. People see what they want to see. In the end you'll love your child and that's all that matters.
Thank you Ell493. This is such a heartwarming post and makes me feel very hopeful. Every best wish for the rest of your pregnancy and the joyfulness that lies ahead for you. Xxx
I’m so sorry to hear of the tough journey you’ve been on, and still are. I just wanted to share my thoughts as someone who has used donor eggs, I’m currently just over 12 weeks pregnant. When my husband and I first discussed it he wasn’t really up for it, but we talked and looked at it as our only real chance of us having a baby and he got on board. I don’t feel that it isn’t my baby, it’s growing inside me right now! I will have the trauma of labour and childbirth, I’ll be the one breastfeeding it at all hours of the day and night, my body is making it grow.People will always make comments on which parent the baby looks like, but who cares, there’s no reason you have to tell anyone it’s donor conceived. So they say it’s got your nose? So what, you say yes and smile and move on. Some of our close friends know about the donor but that’s it, we’re not planning on publicising it. Not because we’re ashamed but because it’s nobody’s business and it doesn’t affect our ability to be a family.
Yesterday was the day I told work about being pregnant and it was just so lovely, everyone is excited for us and being really kind. And it didn’t occur to me once that it’s from a donor egg, it’s my pregnancy and that’s that. And as the poster above said, once the baby is in your arms you won’t give it a second thought.
I agree it’s probably not something everyone can get their head around, but for us it made sense. I’m 42, my husband is 48, and after struggling with endometriosis, cycles of our own with hardly any eggs and failed transfers, we didn’t have time on our side. We chose a UK based clinic and were so lucky that they found us a fresh donor within only 2 months, and she’s only 21 which also massively reduces the risk of things like Down’s syndrome.
Have a look into epigenetics, it’s how your own body can affect how the genes in the donor egg develop and which ones ‘switch on’ more than others. Your blood will flow through this baby and you might have more impact on its development than you realise. Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best, and I’m happy to answer any questions about donor treatment if you ever want to PM me xx
Thank you Emma672, I’ve read an article on epigenetics and thought it was interesting. I think this was it: santamonicafertility.com/bl...
Your post also gives me much hope and helps with my worries. So lovely that you’ve been able to share it with work and everyone has been so kind.
Xxx
Hi, I'm 44 and have just decided to do DE via Spanish Clinic. Like you we have miscarried and been through enough ivf. It isn't an easy decision and if I'm honest I'm still a bit wobbly about it but wanting a family with hubby is paramount and carrying the pregnancy will I'm sure get rid of anything negative. I wish you luck in your decision x ps I'm only at the first step so haven't even started with any treatment or meetings yet but will in the next month x
Thanks for sharing Katanne01. I think by the sounds of what you say, I’m just a step behind you. I’m sure like the others say, once you’re at the pregnancy stage, that’s all that will matter. I think I’ve a lot to think about in the next few days. I’ve also have my follow up appointment from my MMC ivf cycle (I booked it the same week as the donor egg clinic appointment, however I’ve now postponed the donor egg clinic appt for the time being. I now know I need to talk to my consultant properly about what happened with my last cycle and come to terms with the MMC before I move on).
This is exactly the same as me, I asked them to look at my last cycle (miscarriage at 7 weeks) and tell me if there is any point continuing with my OE. I knew what they would say, I wish you all the luck in the world xxx I may update on here when this all starts...eeek scary stuff
I am so sorry for all you have been through, I don't know how you have done it. I lasted three rounds with my own eggs before breaking my heart and deciding in DE. Then to our shock we needed DS too. Feels like we've been to hell and back. Im 44 now and yes it worked, as the success rate is very high with both donors. We just weren't getting any younger and wanted to start our family. Of course I worry they (it's twins) will look different, I guess I'll find out soon but I wouldn't change it and surprisingly my husband has accepted it completely and says DNA has little to do with anything, they are ours and my flesh and blood and only we know. We will tell them in time. Good luck with your decision, I think if you knew what people did, there's loads of donor children out there. I know of some in our street, my friends school has 5! When I was having scans in the UK, the staff would tell me they are filled with women going abroad for DE. Xx
Hi Maisie234, thanks for your reply. Congratulations on your news - wonderful that your having twins. I’m sure what you’ve been through wasn’t easy, but it sounds like you’ve a rock-solid couple. Enjoy your pregnancy xxx
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