Just had our day 3 update and our single embryo is highly fragmented and looks really bad.
Wondering if people would share info on donor egg treatment, I’m really not holding out any hope for our single good embryo (from round 1) from 3 banking rounds of ivf. We don’t want to delay at all so will begin donor research process now, before we transfer the embryo in July. I ultimately always thought we will probably need to go to donor but wanted to try as much as we can, and after 5 rounds I’m giving up on my eggs. I’m actually crying as I type that, not because I am against donor eggs, I think donors are amazing and I’m completely open to it and will be grateful if we get a donor, I guess it’s just the finality of saying it.
I guess I’m going to have a harder time finding a donor, as I personally can’t get to grips with not knowing what a donor looks like - for this reason we want to find our own donor privately or else find or use a database or clinic where they disclose a photo of the donor. So far I can only find this in Ukraine and I struggle with whether the photos are genuine. Eggdonationfriends website said there are uk clinics with photos but said they are expensive (this doesn’t matter) but I can’t find any at all.
And I’ve read about people advertising privately for a donor but I can’t find any good information on it and don’t know where to start. I’m not sure how I feel about going public on social media etc but I’m not ruling it out.
Does anyone know anything helpful?
Sorry for the long post.
Xx
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Orla9298
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Sorry to hear your current round isn't going well.
I'm currently going through egg donation in Spain so obviously my donor is anonymous. Its weird that I won't know very much about her at all but I think I would find it really hard to pick out from a photo.
I just wanted to say that I know how you feel about taking that leap to egg donation. Some days it feels fine and other days I'm still angry it has come to this. However, I think if I ever get to hold a baby that I have carried then all these feelings will melt away.
I have a friend who is pregnant after using one of her friends as an egg donor. She just wrote to someone who she though might help her out.
Thank you for your reply, it’s upsetting when you know you can’t use your own eggs, but it’s amazing that they can be donated isn’t it! People are so different, I’m happier to see a photo as I like the reassurance that they are vaguely similar looking, even though they won’t obviously look that much like me!
I have 2 friends in mind that I considered asking. But they are sort of “good acquaintances” who I go for the occasional run with, or the odd glass of wine, but not like really close friends. Not sure how I would even approach it!
I know ultimately even if I went with a totally anonymous, unseen donor I would be over the moon too, just find that too odd at this stage xxx
Ahh my love, don’t cry. Be strong. It’s a hard journey. A long and hard journey. I had hoped you had lots of embies, but remember it only takes one! I am glad you are considering back up options. It’s not easy to consider and sometimes takes a lot of thought. But you will be ok. I can not offer any DE information. But I hope someone will give you information soon. Be strong sweetie. Don’t give up hope. It’s all we have. Lots of hugs to you xx
hey hun...so sorry it hasn't been as you hoped..I just hate the thought of you typing that message crying so had to send a hug..you are so very very brave and I get the need to research and have plan b but you not out yet and find hope for you embryo after all you went through to get it..much love xx
Sorry to hear today's news wasn't want you hoped for. We are also considering our options after our disastrous second cycle. Cycle three starts next month but I wanted to have thought about things before then so we have a plan in place. I'm still not sure about donor eggs. Somedays I think I'd be fine with it and others I think that I'd be crushed when someone makes an off the cuff comment about the baby looking/not looking like me. I have a close friend who has a child with donor sperm so I'm going to speak to him about how I'm feeling but I still don't feel ready and it makes it all feel so final. I thought he had said that they were able to pick various characteristics (although no photo) but I might be misremembering.
In terms of pictures, I remember there was a lady who posted a while back on here with two photos of the potential donors and was asking for an opinion on which one to go for as she was struggling to decide. I ant remember the country but might come up on a search. Xxx
Thank you for your reply, I don’t remember seeing a post with pictures? I will try and find it. Seems to be Ukraine but I don’t know if I can trust them? Their photos look like models! I know what you mean about comments about who a kid looks like, and as I’ve just replied to someone else’s comment, it’s my mother in law who will make it worst for me - my hubbys sister adopted 2 boys and she is always saying “I don’t love them any less because they aren’t hers” and it’s just an outrageous thing to say!
So sorry to hear that it's not looking good Orla. I feel for you so much. I don't know anyone who has used egg donors but if I do see anything I will certainly share it. Thinking of you and still have everything crossed for the July transfer.xx
I’m reading a book called ‘Having your baby through egg donation’ by Ellen Glazer and Evelina Weidman Sterling as we’re at that crossroads. It is American and it seems quite standard there to see photos and even to meet the donor. X
It is standard in the US, yes. And different donors are more expensive than others... it’s about £20k for one round which is really scary! Ukraine is about £5k. I think I just need to find people who have gone through that route and I can’t find anyone xx
Yes, good idea to find people who’ve been through it. Have you thought of contacting Donnor conception network U.K.? They must have more information. Good to be thinking about this already but remember you still have your frostie so don’t give up all hope on your own embryo just yet. Xx
I can’t work out the donor conception network - seems to just be about helping people decide if it’s right for them or how to tell your child they are from donor. Doesn’t seem to be a resource that you can call for advice. It’s literally impossible to find out is any clinics help you source a donor with photographs.
I just know deep down my embryos won’t work... not just being negative, I really believe it xx
I know that feeling. Our counsellor suggested getting in touch with DCN to ask any questions we have about using donor eggs, I haven’t yet but plan to, I’ll let you know how I get on. xxx
I have a perfect baby boy through egg donation - first time success and I am 44 years old. Feel free to message me if you would like to xx Sending hugs. This whole business is so hard 💐
I don’t have much info on egg donation as I’m waiting to try a second icsi attempt in july, but we’ve already planned to save up for two egg donations in case it doesn’t work.
A friend of mine offered her eggs but it sounded awkward to me so I’d rather go to a private clinic. I haven’t processed the idea yet of not knowing who the donor could be and what face could have but regarding the latter I might not want to know in order to keep as much distant as possible from her (or looking at the baby and seeing her face!). I’m really holding onto science these days in the most rational way possible, otherwise my emotions would trick me into thinking I may bear a child that is not mine and the thought is still hard to accept for me..
I don’t know, it stil early for me but I think about egg donation every day.
This infertility journey is probably the biggest fight of our lives but can give us so many lessons on how to look out of the box and discover that we may still have the chance to be happy even if by following different routes .
Wishing you all the best hun, and finger crossed for your embrio and your donor research xxx
Hi orla, really feel for you with this post, as I've been in a similar situation to you and needed a plan b too, that bring DE.
Maybe you need a little time yet before making any final decisions. I initially got my head round the whole process, but then when the ball started moving I then had days of thinking I couldn't do it. After counselling at the clinic (which was part of the package) I felt much better about it. Initially I wanted to see pics but as we were staying in the U.K. For treatment I knew that wasn't really an option. We used a local clinic that offers a money back guarantee through access fertility. Maybe worth looking at those package deals. 3 rounds and if no baby by the end you get about 75% of your money back, this was the reason we stayed in the U.K., as by the time you work flights/accomdation out it worked out cheaper to stay and much easier for our own personal circumstances. You get sent profiles that are quite detailed and then I realised at that point I didn't want to see a pic as had created an image in my head of what the person looked like. It was more important to me that they had similar traits/goals/personality to me. Although it does petrify me too that comments naturally get made about who the baby looks like, but then there is some research to say that some of the carriers DNA is passed over to the baby as apparently there are high numbers of donor babies that have similarities of the birth mother.
We did get pregnant with our first round but sadly a MMC at around 8wks, however I take the positives from it and it was the furthest I'd got in all my ivf treatment including my own eggs. Just deciding now when to go again! As there are 2 in the freezer from this round.
It is hard to get your head round and I know how you feel re the upset and occasional anger, but eventually it passes. I was even more excited by this round then my 2nd/3rd/4th rounds with my own eggs, but this crushed me harder when it failed. I know that if I am ever lucky enough for it to work that as soon as I see my baby it won't matter at all that it wasn't my egg, as it will still have grown inside me.
I get needing a plan b, I was exactly the same, however concentrate at present on getting yourself in the right chilled out place for your little one, you just never know, it could be the one! Xxx
Thank you so much for your reply, I’m so sorry about the miscarriage. I can totally see how it would have been so exciting and even more crushing. I know i just want to enjoy myself and switch off until transfer but I can’t help working out what next xx
Hey Orla, as we are doing treatment in Greece ours is anonymous but we have sent lots of pics of both of us & our donor was matched to my blood, hair colour, skin, eyes. It was difficult to think that I couldn't see a picture....I wanted someone to resemble me so the baby would look like me but there's no guarantees at all. I look at my husband & his sister....they are so different....hair colour, skin tone, personality....its crazy. I spoke to our nurse coordinator & she pretty much said the same thing. Along with pointing out that it's nurture that makes the child who they are. I also read a really good article that I will share with you....I may have done this before.
A couple of my friends originally offered to donate eggs but one actually said recently that she doesn't think she could have done it & I think I would have felt weird too if I'm honest.
I've seen the clinics in Ukraine but I was a bit dubious of going out there if Im honest. Read too much in the news about it being dodgy.
I'm happy to chat through any worries you have if you think it would help. I understand what you mean by it being final & yes it's sad....you may need some more time to grieve the loss of chances with your own eggs. Have you considered counselling?xxxx
I’m not sure about counselling, I don’t think I need to talk more - my hubby is 42 so I really just want to continue ASAP. Ultimately we are willing and grateful to have donor treatment if needed.
I’d be interested in what negative reports you have heard about Ukraine, as I haven’t seen anything but that was my worry, about them being dodgy! I’ve been looking at database with really attractive donors on thinking... is this real or just a load of models and a trick?? Xx
I guess ultimately you need to be comfortable with your decision and if having a photos helps then I think that's what you need to do! I've not seen loads of stuff, just a little but it's not all negative!xx
I’ve also been in touch with altrui egg donation who is a uk company that privately source donors I think, rather than going only with your clinics donors. Whilst it’s still anonymous they provide childhood photos and sound very sensitive to making the right matches. I guess it feels safe staying in the country! But I was also looking at Greece and Cyprus. Thank you for taking the time to reply xxx
No worries, it's my clinics midwife that does the matching in our clinic with our photos and their photos plus all of the characteristics that's requested! You've done loads of research from what you're saying so hopefully you're not too far away from making the decision. Good luck.xx
I feel your pain. I was so upset at having to go for Donor eggs. We opted for keeping the whole thing secret from our friends and family so people thought it was really just my eggs. I know that may sound mad but was my way of dealing with it. I wanted to feel detached to the egg donor although very grateful I needed to connect as if it was mine and with too much information and seeing her I would hate to look at a baby but see the donor and not us if that makes sense.
We went abroad and miscarried first time and failed second time. Going forward if we do it again we will do it in the UK for so many reasons.
Thank you, I almost wish we could do that and keep it secret, but we have now been so open about all of the gory details of our ivf treatment to our family I don’t think we could hide using donor eggs. What bothers me most is my mother in law - my hubbys sister couldn’t have kids and they adopted 2 brothers 4 years ago. And ever since then I must have heard her say 20 times “and we love them just the same as if they were hers!”. And I just cannot BEAR to hear her say it, because of course she bloody should! It’s so insensitive and I know for a fact she will say the same thing about our kids if they were from donor and I don’t know how I would deal with that!
I think she mayb thinks she is saying the right things when she isn’t. Have you tried to have a chat with her?
I’m not telling you to tell lies but have you thought of twisting the truth? Maybe say you are going to a new clinic for a new treatment and they are using your eggs when in fact you are getting donor eggs? Who’s to know? I must sound really devious when I’m not honestly. We have just gone to some lengths to keep our journey private as we can. Xxx
Hello Orla, I totally understand your fears and concerns. It’s like leaving a nightmare and constantly blaming yourself for not being ‘good enough’ - it’s very demotivating and I guess it’s easier to lose the hope of being able to have a child who’s genetically yours. I came to think that motherhood is just a fraction about genetics. I would suggest you have a look into Spain, where they have the most advanced techniques and clinics. Some clinics also offer guaranteed pregnancy programs for ED where you could have your money back should the cycles be unsuccessful.
You can find a lot of information at Fertility Trade Shows (London and Manchester). Usually the bigger presence is from Spanish, Greek and Checkz clinics.
I wish you all the best and I’m telling you (and also to myself) that you are not alone.
Thank you, I’ll definitely consider going to some trade shows as I haven’t been to any yet. Guaranteed packages would also be very attractive to us after paying for 3 rounds ourselves xx
Hi Orla, I'm so sorry that day 3 hasn't give you the news you wanted. My heart breaks for you. You are amazing to have tried so many times, I have total respect to you. One round and I was ready to throw in the towel yesterday. It is such an emotional journey. We too are now considering the donor egg route but I have so many questions. Someone recently told me, making the decision is the hardest, once it is made, it gets easier. The other decision is either telling everyone or nobody. I am now moving towards telling nobody which will mean telling some white lies to my family as I've been so honest with them up until now. Both my sisters have offered me eggs but I'm not sure I want to do that option....oh gosh, its so hard. And I'm ever more worried about hurting them. I have been private messaging two ladies who are both pregnant from donor eggs using a clinic in Cyprus. I've looked at both and quite impressed. I have to admit I've never thought of needing to know what the donor looks like, its not even crossed my mind at all. Best of luck with your decision. I'll keep an eye on your posts Xx
Following along, our first cycle wasn’t great due to low amh and poor response, I had wondered whether we could do fresh rounds together before using any ❄️ but it looks like we will find it hard to get any anyway! I’m already looking into donor eggs possibly in Spain. I read your post that your amh had increased with all the supplements and the acupuncture and I’ll be trying this. Thanks.
Hey, looks like we are in similar positions! Although my amh is lower 🙄
I think the high dose ubiquinol (600mg) and the dhea did the most, I’ve stopped dhea now as I was on it for over a year. Going to try naturally this month just because I had a scratch last week.
I did conceive twice naturally so it’s not hopeless...
will be trying donor eggs by the end of the year I think xx
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