So a few weeks back we were due to start our second round of ICSI which I got all mentally prepared for only to be told I had a polyp and needed that removed first. I found it hard coming to terms with that and having my treatment delayed but at the same time understood why. That same week we had a weekend away for our anniversary and some family came too, however we were hit with the news that another very close family member is expecting. This led to all kinds of arguments with the in-laws because I got upset and they kindly told me to get a grip and stop acting selfishly. Since then our other close family member has had her baby, happy for them but at the same time I just want to hide away and never hear anymore about it.
The problem I have got is that we have a family chat with everyone including the new parents and grandparents so all I hear about and see constantly is baby news and pictures. I can’t cope and really want to come off the chat but after what happened with his parents I don’t think they would understand why.
I genuinely feel like a complete cow bag for not being able to be so happy for them but when they don’t understand it’s hard. I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to upset anyone but it’s really upsetting me.
I have counselling which helps me see reason but I just wondered as people going through it, what would you do?
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Sorry you're feeling this way. It's so hard to hear about pregnancy and especially when it's so close. In my opinion your in laws were pretty harsh. Could your OH have a word with them so you can come out of the group for a bit? Explain that you're finding it difficult as your happy for them but very sad for your situation?! I let my MIL see an article about IVF, not that it really helped as she still comes away with daft stuff but some others that read it had no idea what we were going through. I'll try and fish it out and post below. Hugs.xx
It’s funny you suggested that I’ve started an email to her with some links of articles on what happens with IVF and how to help a family member going through it.
Hide notifications - I've done that with group chats talking politics- you don't have to leave the group and cause drama. It is so upsetting to see other people getting pregnant when we so desperately want to and people on the outside don't understand that the sadness is for ourselves and not really about other people's good news at all. Of course we're happy for them, but it brings home a sad situation for us that can be hard to deal with
Please don't feel bad for feeling the way you feel and not being able to be happy for someone straight away, of course your going to be upset it's natural when you are going through what your going through.
I went through the same thing recently found out my cousin was expecting, I was upset cried my eyes out, angry, felt hateful because they wasnt even trying and he said to me 'we have come to terms with it now and are now happy its happened' 😟
I got told to get over myself and contact them and say congratulations.
My response was you have no idea what I'm going through, you haven't been through what I'm going through have you? NO. You have children, you can get pregnant naturally so you have no right to tell me how I should feel or to get over myself.
No comments made to me since, ppl sometimes just need to realise when they should shut up and stop given advice about things they have no idea about. And sometimes need to be told
It’s so hard isn’t it! I’m just gonna keep my distance for now until I feel like I can cope with it all. Hubby has agreed I should come off the chat, all day today we’ve had baby spam and he can see how it affects me they don’t.
I had similar when my sister fell pregnant. We had been trying for over 4 years unsuccessfully. She tried for 2 months and fell. I was heartbroken. I was pleased for her but heartbroken for me.
She didn’t help much because on Christmas Day morning (which also happened to be the day I got my period) she sent pictures of baby stuff that she got for Christmas.
I had a meltdown. My mum wasn’t very understanding, but surprisingly my dad was. I just had a massive cry on him and he had words with people about being insensitive.
My mum was a nightmare throughput my sisters entire pregnancy, so insensitive.
In the end I asked to meet my sister for cake and a cup of tea. I sat down and explained exactly how I was feeling. To my complete shock she was really understanding. And thanked me for being so honest with her. She wasn’t judgmental or anything. It was the best thing I did. Because she knew if I was quiet, it was because I was struggling and I knew that she knew I wasn’t being funny with her.
Don’t get me wrong they still all have days where they are insensitive and say and do completely the wrong things. But they have learnt that I take myself away from the situation for a bit.
I would definitely turn off notifications especially if at this time you are finding it all too difficult. It's taken me such a long time to be able to deal with baby spam and announcements and I've become pretty good at hiding my feelings in front of people and until I can get home and be in my safe place and i can have a a cry for me. It's not nice of your in laws knowing how upset you are, and still the baby spam keeps coming. I think that's quite mean of them. Would be so much nicer if they set up a private baby spam group so you don't have to see it all. If they would have ever been in your position they would understand you're not being selfish but you are sad for yours and your OH's situation. Sending hugs xx
I'm sorry to hear you've having such a tough time with your family. It sounds like you've had plenty of good advice from other replies. On a different note, I just wanted to say that I too had my treatment delayed due to a pesky polyp. The first implantation I ignored the doctor's advice to get it removed, went ahead and got a bfn. We only had one more in the freezer so the second time I had the polyp removed. It was so frustrating to wait but that, combined with a determined little embryo, and I'm now blessed to be breastfeeding my little boy to sleep.
Hang on in there. Wishing you the very best of luck x
I’m exactly the same at the moment. A very close family member has just given birth and it’s all I hear and see, especially on social media.
I got offended when I found out she was born on social media but then I would have got upset if people messaged me all excited. Can’t win!
I’ve got offended today as I saw my own dad commenting on photos and I’m like “I can see that!”
People just don’t know what to do for the best!
I have days where I think I want to meet her this week! Then the next day I’m like nah I’d rather pretend it’s not happening.
My brother has been a huge support but hidden how excited he was. When she was born I’ve seen just how excited he is and that upsets me.
It’s not the fact I wang everyone else to be unhappy it’s the fact they have got happiness without even trying and all we have done for years is fight to be happy.
I’ve avoided family at times I’ve found hard. Avoided events even. I don’t commit to anything as I go day by day.
My in laws have booked a holiday for us this year- only a caravan and I’ve said we will have to see. Our nephew is going at it’s all hearts and smiles.
You just can’t be happy all the time abs certainly don’t deserve to be told to get a grip! I’d turn it round and say have you been through this have you? Well then don’t comment because until you are in my head in this situation you have no right to have an opinion on how it makes us feel.
Just be selfish, take each day as it comes, accept the downs and embrace the highs x
I think that’s where I’m at, just keeping my distance and remember they just don’t get it and after so long it’s obvious they never will.
I think I just wish everyone was like my mam... she doesn’t force me to talk but I know she’s there whenever I need her. I told her a while back not to push me to talk about it or have opinions on how I should behave or what I should be doing, she’s been amazing. Im not sure if I said the same thing to them they would be the same, they’d probably think I’m a bitch saying that to them when I’m actually just trying to cope.
Sorry to hear that hun x big hugs. I mute all my what's apps now and deal with replying when I want to. Before I had this thing where I felt I needed to reply asap and put unnecessary pressure on myself. Two of my best girlfriends are pregnant too so sometimes if it's going a bit baby crazy on our group chat (which isn't often tbh, usually just after one of them has a scan,the rest is just chatted about privately between them two (or litealy the whole time we are together as a group which can be difficult)) I can reply when I want. I'm also no longer on fb as that got to a point where it p*ssed me off too with baby announcements and what not. At the end of the day, if there is any time to put yourself first now is definitely the time to do it xx take it easy 😘
I gave up Facebook years ago, that thing is evil lol. I think I feel like if I don’t reply I’m being rude, but coming out will give them something to talk about... really not sure what to do for the best. Hubby says come off it and he’ll deal with his family bless him x
lol. Ah bless him,that's nice he's being supportive. You could always mute it for a bit and then see how you feel in a week or so? I'm sure whatever you decide will be right for you 😊😘 xx
So sorry that you are going through this. Sometimes people really do not think before opening their mouths. You have every right to be able to your feelings! There is nothing wrong with how feel and people should try to be more understanding. In laws are very tricky. I have had a few run ins with mine and was also tempted to come off of a group chat but didn’t want the backlash. I have since hidden the chat. You won’t get notifications and can just ignore it! You need to think of yourself at the moment (and that doesn’t make you selfish. It is self preservation!) For the next few months do what helps you. Don’t put yourself in a situation that pleases everyone else but hurts you. They will get over it. Sending massive hugs xxx
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