Fertility Network UK
14,329 members23,600 posts

When does it stop hurting 😭

Only a few days since our last negative but since it was our last nhs go, everything hurts so much more and no one seems to understand that we may never get our miracle baby now, family have sent there politely oh I'm sorry to hear you got another negative...... and just expect us to move on like it's just another blip 😭.

I don't know if we will ever be able to afford to go private like I want to and that really scares me 😢.

We were hoping for a bit of help from my parents but I have a older brother in his 40's who is a complete idiot, he's messed up again and my parents have to bail him out with money again....... my mam informed me that she had told him that my dad retires in April and there will be no more bail outs then ....... this broke my heart 😭...... I know we are grown ups and shouldn't relay on parents ect ect ect so this also makes me feel selfish , we never expected to be given money we just hoped for a loan .

I'm sorry for this blubbering rant I'm just such a mess ☹ I just want someone to hug me and make it all better .

25 Replies
oldestnewest

Oh hun I just want to hug you ❤️ so sorry you’re struggling so much, you’ve been through so much and your last cycle is so recent so never be sorry. I totally understand feeling like family just expect you to be fine, I found that with some people at the time of our last cycle (even though it was our 4th and a chemical pregnancy) and I have since..my SIL had her baby a few weeks ago and they wanted us to go to the hospital to meet him, (so hard to be on a maternity ward) my BIL wants me to support my SIL because she’s struggling and there’s been endless baby talk..it’s really tough and no one has stopped to think how we might be coping 😕

So sorry to hear about your parents & brother, you’re not selfish at all, you weren’t expecting them to just hand money over for nothing and it must be so frustrating that your brother gets such help if he’s not helping himself.

All you want is a lovely baby, not handouts because you need to grow up!

Please know you’re not alone, wish I could do more. I really hope there are brighter days ahead for you xxx

1 like
Reply

Thank you for your kind words, it's so tough no matter what stage we are all going through.

I Can't even imagine how hard it must of been going to see your sil baby, im not sure id be tough enough to do it.

I guess it's true that unless you have been through it or going through it no one really understands not even your nearest family members.

My poor mam text me this morning saying if you are struggling with ideas where to go ( we have took time off work) maybe you can take my blankets I've knitted to dog rescue centre 🤤! She got a very sharp answer back saying I'm a emotional wreck I don't think going and seeing homeless dogs is a good idea. Bless her I know she meant well lol.

Thank you for your words of support xx

Reply

Sending you a massive hug, I’m not sure it does get easier I think somehow we learn to live with the pain. I totally understand what you mean about peoples expectations of ‘moving on’ we’ve had so many people think we should be okay now or just not even ask how we are or talk about our baby that died. BFN are so cruel and you still need to grieve for the loss of what could of been and all you hoped for.

Sorry to hear about your brother and parents, you definitely don’t sound selfish. No one expects or wants to find themselves in this situation so hoping to ask your parents for a loan is totally understandable.

I wish I could make it better for you and for all of us, am here always here to chat though xx

1 like
Reply

Thank you for your kind words, it's so tough isn't it, what makes it worse is that people just don't get it. I think becase people hear of " miracles " when people fall pregnant after trying for years and going through ivf they expect everyone to end up with a baby and it just simply doesn't always end like that.

I can remember one of my husband's sisters saying when we started ivf " oh i know loads of people who have gone through ivf and they've all got baby's ". Just like there is nothing to it.

I think my brother will aways be a pain in my side as they always say we are never helping him again , but you Can't refuse when someone id in trouble!

Hopefully once Christmas and New year is out the way , we will be able to pick up the pieces a little easier.

Thank you again xx

Reply

Unfortunately unless they’ve walked this path or take time to understand people don’t realise just how much IVF consumes your life. I have this problem with my hubbys family they don’t ‘get it’ at all. Your right though, people think IVF is this miracle cure that just gets you a baby - if only eh!

That’s true but it doesn’t make it any easier for you regarding your brother.

I hope you manage to enjoy Christmas but for now just do what you need to, sometimes we have to put ourselves first xx

1 like
Reply

It would certainly be nice if we all got a baby god knows we all deserve one going through ivf xx

1 like
Reply

I’m so sorry to hear that. There are simply no words that will make your hurt better. Allow yourself the time you need to grieve this loss. I know it is utterly heartbreaking. Sending you much love at this difficult time x

1 like
Reply

Thank you so much for your kind words, your right I just need more time to get through this xx

1 like
Reply

I completely sympathise with the lack of sympathy. I dont think people realise how tough it is to get back up after a knock and the responses that are given like "next time" or "sorry" but I honestly dont think they know what to say or do to make it any better and its always better to say something than nothing or that's my perception.

The situation with your brother must be so frustrating and I dont think anyone will judge you thinking you're being selfish for hoping your parents might help out with a loan. This may still be on the cards, your mum was maybe just venting about your brother and letting him know "this is the last time". My parents had to do the same with my brother a few years ago and my parents have offered to help us out if we need it as they feel they helped him so it might still be on the cards if money isnt too tight.

I really wish I could give you a huge hug right now!!xxx

1 like
Reply

Thank you, your right it is just lack of understanding, but it's still hard. I think I will just have to buy myself a big tin of war paint and battle myself though Christmas with a painted smile, once Christmas is out the way it may feel a little easier.

Hopefully your right about my parents, they have got a awful lot on with him at the moment, before we went through this cycle and I said I wanted to go private if my last cycle she did always ask how much different things where and I always though it might be a sign they will offer to help ..... fingers crossed.

Thank you for your kind words xx

1 like
Reply

No the lack of understanding doesnt make it easier, not one little bit! Well if you can put a brave face on then great but remember its ok to be upset and you need time to grieve! Sometimes if nothing else it does no harm to let others see how much you're hurting and a good cry sometimes makes you feel a wee bit better too!xxx

1 like
Reply

I've had tears and snot everywhere every morning this week my husband keeps telling me he's not a walking hankie, thank fully he's only joking.

Your right a good cry does make u feel better sometimes, we have had the dogs out in the snow this afternoon , which has also helped watching them belt round like idiots xx

1 like
Reply

Ha ha ha bless your hubby, sounds like a star! Fresh air, snow and doggies sounds like a great remedy! Its crap getting a negative anytime but xmas is hard - I was bleeding in my 2ww xmas eve last year, so shit! Be kind to each other with lots of hugs!xx

1 like
Reply

Awwww god that's just cruelty 2ww and bleeding at Christmas, I am glad that this cycle is done before Christmas at least we can have a drink in the festive season . I hope you manage to enjoy your Christmas this year xx

1 like
Reply

So sorry that we've had bad news and that you are going through this. I know there is nothing in the world that can help the way you feel. Keep strong. . .I don't know if you know but I believe Access fertility may do finance if you take up one of their programs, maybe worth looking into it. Big hugs hun xx

1 like
Reply

Thank you, sorry to hear that you have had a negative too, they are so rubbish.

Yes I think they do finance but last time I looked for full price and repayments was way over what we could afford, we have a good chunk saved now so I will have to have another look maybe it would bridge a gap xx

Reply

This Is heart breaking, there's nothing quite link a failed cycle, let alone your last NHS try. Why don't you try and finance it privately? I think there are a few companies that offer the pay monthly IVF options? I hope you can figure something out hun xx

1 like
Reply

Thank you, i didnt realise myself how hard it would hit me that is last one, ive always picked myself up quite well after other failed goes.

I have looked into finance options before , but it was for full price and repayments where way over what we could stretch to, we do have some saved so will have to have another look see if it can bridge the gap.

Xx

Reply

oh hun its really hard isn't it, we pay around £295 a month at the moment but if we don't have a baby in the next 2 cycles we will get all the money back and the finance will be cancelled so I suppose that's why we keep going. To be honest we do notice it go out of our account every month, and gone are the weekly shops of buying expensive shampoo's, conditioners and food, but if it means we are a step closer to finally having a family then so be it. a little sacrifice goes a long way. Nobody truly understands how hard it is to sacrifice so much to achieve something that might never happen, we just have to be hopeful xxx

1 like
Reply

Wow I think id have to ditch the hubby to afford that 🤣. I will have to have another look at finance and see what we can afford, I do like the look of the refund packages.

Failing that I might tell the parents we are selling the house and moving back in with them to raise funds lol xx

Reply

whatever works for you babe. If your parents could help with a bit of a deposit that would bring your monthly payments down as well so maybe its a bit more affordable. Whatever you choose to do it will be the right decision xxx

1 like
Reply

Sending you a big hug my love! From one heartbroken girl to another, I understand your feelings of peoples expectations of how you ‘should be feeling’ and how you should pick yourself...

Even those with our best interests at heart sometimes say the wrong thing, they don’t mean to upset you.

Keep your chin up - everything hurts right now. Lots and lots of love xxx

1 like
Reply

I'm sorry to hear you are broken hearted too, sending you a big hug back.

Life is so tough, and I suppose if things where different and we didn't have infertility problems we wouldn't know what to say to others either, this journey has certainly opened my eyes to life's crueltys.

I hope you feel better soon too.

Xx

Reply

I’m sending you the biggest of hugs! That’s all I want someone to do too and to tell me that it will all be ok xxx

1 like
Reply

Sending them back too, it's totally rubbish isn't..... that's what I said to my hubby this morning I just want some one to make it alright ☹ xx

Reply

You may also like...