How do you tell family?

[Nemobaby]

Hi

What's the best way to tell family about ivf? I'm due to start meds for our frozen cycle in the next couple of weeks, transfer will be the week of my 40th birthday, fingers crossed for an amazing late birthday present! Anyway that's part of the issue, I'm freaked out enough that I'm going to be 40 and will this even work, but I know my parents are going to want to visit around the time of my birthday (I live a few hours away from them) I haven't told any of my family about our ivf journey as I don't think they'll understand, I managed to avoid it with our first round as they were away for most of it, but I don't think I'm going to be able to avoid the subject for much longer as they want to make plans and I can't because of appointments etc, my husbands family know and I don't think they understand at all ☹️

Am I over thinking it all?? Just don't want added stress with this cycle as we have just the one frostie and I want to give it the best chance

[beauty1984]

Hi nemobaby,

I think you just need to jump straight in and tell them. I didn't tell my family when I first went to the hospital and had all the test, I didn't tell them until I was approved to have ivf and I have to say I wish I told them sooner, they were so supportive and understanding. You don't want to put any more stress or worry on yourself because it is already a stressful and worrying time. X

[Nemobaby in reply to beauty1984]

Thank you for your reply, I'm just a bit nervous about it all, it's not something we've ever talked about, I think they just assume we don't want children, which couldn't be further from the truth, but we've never really been a very open family that's good at discussing anything!

Will probably end up blurting it out when my mum does her usual conversation about the weather!

[danysh13]

wow, a tough challenge you've been faced with. honestly i don't know if my advise helps you because I told my family about surrogacy. of course not all of them understood me, some of my relatives started to blame me(it's all because they are too religious and think it is immoral)

So my advice is if you tell people early on while going through the process be prepared for a lot of questions. We didn't finally tell people until we actually got pregnant and I was Ok to talk about it then. But our rule was tell one...tell all. Good luck. I hope you get your baby soon.

[Nemobaby in reply to danysh13]

Thank you, I think the whole thing of ivf is difficult to understand if people have never been through it, some people can be judgemental even if they don't mean to be, it's a hard process to go through 😕

[danysh13 in reply to Nemobaby]

actually yes, they do not understand the infertile ones for sure. once a friend of mine told 'is it really hard to conceive without reproductive medicine? I suppose you have to try more times'(and she has 2 kids, born in natural way) and she doesn't take to consideration then I even don't have a reproductive organ for that, I couldn’t do it, it's unreal for me.

[Mrsgled1982]

Hiya

I found being open and honest from the very beginning has helped me a lot. Both sides of the family knew we had fertility issue as I never kept my PCOS a secret so once we decided to go down the ivf process I already felt I had them there for support. My mother in law has been amazing so far. She's come with me to various hospital appointments. My sister has also been very supportive. She's hopefully gonna be my birthing partner should the treatment work. As my DH is useless with that kind of thing lol. Xx

[Nemobaby in reply to Mrsgled1982]

Sounds like you have a lot of lovely support 😊 I wish I had a sister, my sister in law is nice but not someone who deals well with anything out of her normal bubble and my mil doesn't trust doctors! Xx

[Mrsgled1982 in reply to Nemobaby]

I think it's my way of keeping her (MIL)included and hopeful too. Pregnancy and my family has not gone so well. My sister in law sadly lost her baby at 36 weeks. And my own sister had my nephew early at 27 weeks he's now a happy almost 3 year.

[Nemobaby in reply to Mrsgled1982]

That's really nice of you, sounds like your family has had a tough time, I hope your ivf journey goes well and you get a bfp soon xx

[Hollibob]

Could you not say hubby is whisking you away for a while for your birthday and it's a surprise so you don't know much other than it'll be difficult to see them and you'll have to let them know when you are free?

Alternatively, you could say something like, it's difficult to talk about, so I just want to tell you that we need treatment to try for a baby, we'd prefer not to go into time specifics, but it will be soon...

[Nemobaby in reply to Hollibob]

Both good ideas, think I'm going to have to see how far they push it and make a quick decision on which way to go with it all, don't want them to think I'm hiding things but not sure I'm ready to face all the questions, trying to keep the stress levels down for our FET x

[Hollibob in reply to Nemobaby]

We never got round to telling my inlaws about our last fresh cycle..they live a distance from us and the time just passed, so with it then resulting in BFN, there was no point...

[Buffy21]

Hiya I didn't tell my mum about IVF as she wouldn't understand and ask far too many annoying questions. My parents in law on the other hand knows everything and have been super supportive. IVF worked first time for us so told my mother I'm pregnant and not the ins and outs. Here are some of the stuff she said which hopefully will make you giggle:

Thank God you made it before you are 40!(I'm 39)

Will you get special care now that you ate SO old?!!

Is it yours?? (When showing her the scan photo)

I'm sure you be a good parent THIS time around (I've already got an 11 year old who has turned out well so not sure where she was going with that one..)

Yep that's why I didn't tell her about IVF can you imagine what she would have said to that?!Lol

All the best xx

[Nemobaby in reply to Buffy21]

I can see why you didn't tell your mum! There's some good ones in there 😄

glad you had some good support from your in laws though, congrats on your pregnancy, hope you're doing well xx

[jam1982]

A while ago someone posted a little kind of guide to give to family to help them understand, I'm really sorry but I can't remember who posted it or what it was about, maybe someone else will remember? 😘 X

[Nemobaby in reply to jam1982]

Thank you, I'll do a search and see if it comes up x

[Hidden in reply to Nemobaby]

Ooo, I remember that one jam1982 - it was Resolve in the U.S. Great article: resolve.org/support/for-fam... xxx

[Nemobaby in reply to Hidden]

Thank you! It is a great article and will be very helpful, had me in tears but that might be just because I'm having a bad day with it all! Xx

[Hidden in reply to Nemobaby]

Not just you, it made me cry too - tears of frustration and relief that someone finally hit the nail on the head (in a literary sense!) Chin up, you're not alone Xxx

[72cloud9]

We r down to our last frostie to Hun.

I sort of regret telling family but I've never been good at keeping things in so everyone I know knows our journey!!

If u feel u need to tell them, I would just say it! No beating about the bush!

Big hugs and good luck xxx

[Nemobaby in reply to 72cloud9]

Thank you, I'm not sure I do want to tell them, it's just getting a bit difficult not to 😕may I ask why you regret telling them? No worries if you don't want to say x

Fingers crossed your last frostie is the one ❤️ I start my treatment in just over a week, getting nervous about it already, just feels more pressure this time I think as if this fails we have to start all over again privately, trying to get all the negative thoughts out now! Xx

[72cloud9 in reply to Nemobaby]

I think it's only because of people's ignorant comments about treatment & it always feels worse coming from family.like id expect them to know better or be more sensitive.but like u said, it can be very tricky not to tell.

Thanks for your good luck wishes, this is our last shot as with my age very unlikely to get any more eggs out of me so everything crossed! Wishing u all the best with yours xxx