Infertility - My feelings

[Flossy13]

On Wednesday my partner and I found out that his low sperm count was worse than we expected. He has been diagnosed with testicular failure. He is on medication so our consultant is writing to our GP to amend the medication and then he will be tested again to see if there is any improvement. There is no other explanation as to why this could be. She ran some urgent bloods and they all came back fine apart from his FSH levels. They were 21. He’s never smoked, he doesn’t drink and has never taken drugs. No injury to his testicles and she felt for lumps etc... all seems ok.

I just feel like I don’t have anyone I can speak to. We do have a child already but it doesn’t make it any easier knowing that this may be it for us. Every day our son asks “are you having a baby yet?” It’s not just my dreams shattered, it’s out little boys dreams too of having a sibling.

I’ve opened up to a couple of friends but they don’t get it. They keep telling me “but you’re fortunate to have one already”. Yes, I am, but it doesn’t mean I want to be done. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to do it all over again. Telling me “but you have one” doesn’t make me feel any better, it does the opposite.

I genuinely feel like I am grieving. Is that silly? I’ve been told I am being over dramatic... but I can’t help my feelings and I’m just feeling really low at the moment and struggling to accept that it may be it for us.

My partner feels so guilty. I’ve had 2 lots of surgery within the past 9 months but now I feel it is all for nothing.

Please tell me it gets easier?! 😢

[Dreams1982]

I just wanted to say I don't think your wrong in how you are feeling.. At the end of the day you would like to have another baby and that's perfectly normal xx are you able to speak with a counsellor maybe on how your feeling? We have a child by ivf and have been trying with our frozen embies and after a mc in 2017 was told by people we should be grateful we already have a baby. We are more grateful than we could ever tell them but like you doesn't mean we wouldn't like to have another xx sending you lots of love and luck and always here if you ever want to chat xx

[Flossy13 in reply to Dreams1982]

I find it insulting when people tell me I should be grateful for what I already have. Are they implying I’m ungrateful? I am ever so grateful for what I have. But I’d also be grateful for another too. It took us 2 years to conceive our little boy and a few scares in the pregnancy and birth, putting both mine and babies life at risk. People always comment on what an amazing family we are and often say thing like “you should definitely have more, you rock at this parenting” which is nice but heartbreaking. If only it was that easy 😭

I think to others it may sound selfish because having 1 child is more than some people ever get but it’s not just my dream... it’s my partners and our son’s dream too. Seeing him with babies and toddlers breaks my heart but also makes me smile. He’s amazing with them.

I really want to train up and become a midwife but now I don’t think I will be able to. I’d love to help bring lives into the world and help parents on their journey of bringing their new bundle of joy into the world safely. But I’d also feel so crushed and jealous. I’d be doing a job I absolutely love but I’d also be putting myself through mental torture.

Thank you for your kind words. I’m really pleased others understand. It’s nice to know I’m not alone as the past few days I felt like I was going crazy and was the only one who felt this way. Questioning if maybe I am being selfish and crazy.

[Snez84]

I get everything you’ve said and it really upsets me when people say you should be grateful you’ve got one child. I absolutely idolise my son but that doesn’t take the desire away from having another and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that in my eyes. I think until you’re in this position it’s hard to understand the feeling.

We’re in the same position as you where my husband has testicular failure and all tests are normal apart from his FSH which is abnormally high at 35. There is absolutely no explanation as to why this is. Unfortunately we’ve been through just about everything and nothing has improved. He’s had varicocele surgery which did nothing and we’ve seen a urologist too and they’ve said there is nothing that can be done. It’s so frustrating when it’s taken out of your hands as I’m sure everyone on this site understands.

We’ve been through 3 transfers in the last 9 months and our third transfer finally worked - we are expecting in September. It’s not been easy but if you really want it I’m sure you will get there. You just need to persevere. Feel free to PM if you’ve any questions and know you’re not alone here. Wishing you lots of luck xx

[Flossy13 in reply to Snez84]

I said to my consultant “at least we have a child! That’s some relief I suppose” but inside I was crumbling. And she responded with “I want to make you both aware that people will say ‘be grateful for what you have’ and ‘at least you have a child, it’s more than some people have’ and it won’t make you feel any better. If anything it will make you feel worse and you need to find a way of dealing with your emotions”. It was nice to hear her on our side.

People also forget it isn’t just mine and my other half’s dreams, it’s our dream. Our dream as a family. My little boy is desperate for a sibling. We haven’t told him yet as we will wait until my partner gets retesting after a change of meds. But if that comes back bad then we are going to sit him down and explain somehow.

One friend said to me “I don’t understand why you’re so upset by this news. ‘You’ can still have a baby” and it’s making me question if she is really a ‘friend’ why would you say that? Yes ‘I’ am fertile and yes ‘I’ can still have a baby but I chose to spend the rest of my life with my partner so surely if I have a baby it will be with him? The only other option we can really explore is sperm donation but I can’t ever see us both agreeing and going ahead with this.

I am at high risk of an ectopic pregnant due to history of tubal damage so getting pregnant is risky for me.

We would consider adoption in the future so our dreams won’t be completely shattered. We would obviously love to give a child a great future but we would also like our own. I think we will just have to sit tight for now and just hold on to the last bit of hope. Although I don’t want to because I don’t want my heart to get shattered again so I’d rather just think negatively.

This is really sh*t 😢

FSH of 35, wow. I thought 21 was high.

I’m so pleased for you. I hope everything in the pregnancy is going well?

Thank you for being so kind. Wishing you all the very best!

[Kempton]

Infertility is definitely a type of grief. And it's absolutely your right to know in your heart that your family is not complete yet. I knew I wanted more a week after giving birth to my ivf baby boy. I knew I had to give him a sibling!

Hopefully your partner's sperm may improve with medication. Have yoy asked your gp about yoy gwtting access to counselling. It's definitely good to talk! Good luck with your journey! Hope you get some good news soon.

[Flossy13 in reply to Kempton]

It is definitely not complete and it is hard to accept. You just know don’t you? And the guilt... I can’t bear it.

Our consultant said his meds won’t affect his sperm count but we said we looked into it and we feared they might. She looked it up there and then and was so shocked at what she found. She wrote to our GP and my partner is getting a call from the GP tomorrow and hopefully they can arrange an appointment for him to go in and amend his medication. After 3 months of being completely off his current meds they will re-test his sperm count but I don’t want to get my hopes up.

Thank you for your kind words. Some really supportive people on here. Need more of you lot in the world!

[Kempton in reply to Flossy13]

Definitely don't feel guilty. Wanting more children doesn't mean you don't love your son! Hopefully something can be done for your partner. Supplements? Best of luck!

[Celloheggy]

I totally get everything you’ve said. We also have a daughter and are struggling to get a second. Secondary infertility is completely different, and already having one child leaves you guilt ridden that you can’t produce a sibling. My husband feels terrible about it, has even told me to find another husband with functioning testicles!

We just went to see our Urologist on Saturday, totally prepared for the worst but he has given us some hope. I know you’re not supposed to give recommendations on here, but private message me if you like. He is involved with lots of the latest research and got my husband on a trial for a new advanced fragmentation test.

Our issues are different to yours, but have you seen a nutritionist? Diet and supplements could possibly help.

Sending you lots of hugs xxx

[Flossy13 in reply to Celloheggy]

We were at the start of investigations just as we conceived previously. The day my partner was meant to have his sperm count test was the day we had a scan at EPU. We were told there was an empty sack and we accepted that it was back to the start for us again but we had another scan in 2 weeks and there was a heartbeat. In a way I wish he had that sperm count test because he don’t know that the situation was like 6 years ago.

I’m really surprised about that because my consultant said supplements etc... will not help. I would consider seeing a nutritionist if it’ll help but we’re both healthy. But if we would benefit from it then I’ll give it a go.

Secondary infertility is different and I don’t think people understand that at all. I think people think it’s as easy as ticking off a housework chore on your to do list, but it’s not. I can’t just be told my partner has testicular failure and cross having another baby off my to do list as if it meant nothing to me... because it meant and still means everything to me.

Everyone on here is so lovely. I think I need new friends 😭 mine are clearly so unsupportive.