Infertility issues - loss-how to cope?

[ourbundleofjoy]

Hi ladies,

I would just like to share how painful this whole baby making process can be… My friends don’t understand, and I am so happy for them that they don’t get it. However I think you will. It s****, it really does.

I am just organizing/noting all the medication I need to take this month (starting egg collection cycle) however in some parallel universe I am organizing the 1st birthday party for our baby that decided not to stay with us. His/hers birthday should have been in the middle of this month. I talk to our baby and our lost embryos every single day. In a way this probably makes me totally mad, but at the same time it keeps me sane. Even though they were never really here they left an imprint in my heart.

I know that everyone here has her own sad story / stories. I know that there is a lot of people out there struggling to have a baby, some are silently suffering. Talking about it makes it easier, however most of friends & family don’t know what to say, so they either don’t say anything or they even worse – they say something stupid.

I am practicing the law of attraction, meditation, yoga and use positive affirmations, but it is still bloody painful.

How do you cope? Any good advice to share?

with love

[butterfliez]

Hi I am very sorry for the losses you have suffered, losing a baby is a pain you cannot explain and to have to endure fertility struggles and treatment in order to conceive in the first place to then loss those embryos and baby is a cruel twist.

You talking to your baby does not seem mad to me, It just means you are a mummy and always will be as our babies live forever in our hearts. we just do whatever it takes to get through the days.

I have no real advice but just wanted to say we are not alone in our pain. I lost my daughter in September 21 at 34 weeks suddenly. Not a day goes by when I don't speak to her I read her stories at her grave amongst other things in her memory I always talk of her to the people who wish to listen.

I don't really know how I am getting by to be honest but I am here some how the days and months go by and I am still standing. It does surprise me.

I hope you can find comfort in some things. With your babies 1st birthday approaching this is bound to be an anxious and extremely difficult time, maybe you could still celebrate your baby in a way that suits best, releasing a balloon or having nice cake in there memory. lighting a candle.

I know no one can truly understand what we go through with loss and fertility treatment unless they have been through it themselves, they may try to help but say things that are insensitive (not meant to be but that it is difficult to say the right things sometimes) and as you say when they jut don't say anything at all and just try to pretend nothing has happened then that is worse. I have noticed who is truly there for us during this awful time, I have even realised one of my so called closest friends to be very selfish, hardly no contact over the last few months and even if she does she never asks me anything regarding my daughter or my treatment. it is very hard. people are just very awkward around grief and fertility struggles.

Always here if you need to chat. best of luck with your upcoming treatment xx

[ourbundleofjoy in reply to butterfliez]

Dear butterfliez,

Thank you for your email. I had two days on off, I was not ready to leave our sofa and I guess I just needed to cry and be sad. Probably all those medications I am currently taking are not helping me either. I think my hormones are all over the place.

Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry for your loss, it is painful to lose someone you loved so deeply but never had a chance to really meet. I am sorry for the loss of your daughter. I wish I would be able to find more comforting words. I am sorry. Butterfliez, your pain is valid. It hurts. I am hoping for you.

I wish our closest friends would put more effort in trying to understand us better. To me, it’s hurtful that I have the need to write such personal thing here (on this forum), I just need to know that someone out there understands me. I just needed to hear that I am not going mad. I know that our friends/family don’t know what to say or do. I admit, I am not sure how I would react, if I were on the other side. Perhaps I should be more compassionate, to do the same thing as I am asking from them.

Butterfliez, I am sending you lots of lots of love to you and your daughter.

Again, thank you for your kind words.

xoxo

[Petree86]

Hiya, I think what a lot of people don't understand that infertility alone is a type of loss and you grieve for something you never had. The grief is unexpected because no young girl ever thinks this will happen when you grow up and want children. That then doesn't include the loss with failed cycles and miscarriages.

I know that people that have never had to go through this will not be able to understand and I've been told that my life could be worse... which then makes me feel ungrateful for the things I have yet I cry for a baby that I was never promised in life.

Ourbundleofjoy, you do what you need to do to keep yourself going (legal things of course😉). Talk to the babies you've lost, talk to the embryos, cry all day in bed. We here completely understand. I've personally had a lot of therapy and I still don't cope with it well.

Just continue to be hopeful, that's the best thing you can do. Wishing you the best x

[ourbundleofjoy in reply to Petree86]

Dear Petree86,

You are completely right. I always thought, once you decide to have a baby, than here you go and 9months later the baby is here. How wrong, naïve & uneducated I was.

Some of my friends advised me to ‘don’t think about it and then it will happen’. One asked me ‘if I really thought this through, is it really worth it?’ she was referring to the amount of money we will need to pay for the treatment. And comments like you got ‘it could be worse’ are quite common.

You are right, those kind of comments bring up the feeling of guilt… yes, even ungratefulness – which is absolutely not true, for us to wish for something doesn’t mean we are ungrateful for all the other beautiful things we have in our lives. And worst of all … I already carry these feeling of being incapable (struggling to get pregnant naturally) and then with friend’s comments, I sometimes feel even worse – I question my capacity to handle this situation. Because, ‘I wish we were pregnant’ and ‘hopefully we will get pregnant’ that is my most common thought throughout the day. So not thinking about it is quite difficult. Impossible even.

Thank you for your advice and understanding. As I wrote to Butterfliez above, I just needed to hear that I am not going mad. Thank you for your text.

Therapy helps, I had it years ago and I start next week again.

Sending you the biggest hug and lots of love

xoxo

[Petree86]

You too lovely x