Just a rant to a supportive group who might relate…
I have always thought my husband and I were on the same page all things fertility - we are both impatient and have never understood how “taking a break” could help, and ultimately just been trying to do whatever it took for the last few years to try for a miracle baby. We are still not there, in fact I’m having my third egg collection next week. As time has gone by we’ve spoken less and less about our feelings because there isn’t much left to say - our situation sucks but we are doing whatever it takes.
In the last few weeks I’ve been feeling a disconnect between us. Like we are just carrying on our (separate) lives like robots. I brought this up which turned into a conversation where for the first time my husband opened up and spoke about his feelings (he didn’t want to bring it up because he didn’t want to upset me whilst I have so much going on - for me it’s worse to sweep it under the rug though!) …. He feels the last few years of infertility have (understandably) changed me and feels like I’m not the same person anymore which he isn’t happy about. He agrees that this is understandable, but says he still feels unhappy about it. I’m at a loss for words. This opened a can of worms and he is now saying he doesn’t know how much more of this he can do, he just wants a better life back, can’t remember even having fun with me anymore, I don’t laugh etc etc.
My fear is that I am a changed person - and scared that person is no longer enough for him, with or without continuing the fertility journey.
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Patches86
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18 Replies
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I am so sorry you have had to hear that, but also kind of pleased that he has shared it with you and not just bottled it up and it got worse and worse. The main thing to focus on is that actually whilst he is right, and infertility does change us, it doesn't do it permanently and we can re-find ourselves and our relationships again. So he needs to understand that this is only temporary, whilst you are in the darkest periods of your life, but you can (and will) bounce back again. I know you feel you need to keep going and keep going but actually sometimes a rest is as good as that, and I know my partner and I really lost ourselves and our relationship during the last few years. We decided to pause one round and go on holiday, I literally spent the first week crying and not enjoying it but then gradually I started to relax and actually laugh at his jokes and see him differently and we had fun again... Its almost impossible to do that mid treatment but no matter what the result of this round (and heaps of luck for 3rd time lucky!!) its probably worth working out what you can do safely during TTC/pregnancy that can brighten things up again a little bit at a time
Don't take it too personally, they literally have ZERO idea about what we are going through. Huge hugs xx
Thank you so much Daisy! It helps to get perspective that this might only be temporary, it sure doesn’t feel that way when it’s all you’ve been used to, and it’s hard when I don’t think he sees it like that either! Sending you hugs back, thank you xx
I’m so so sorry. IVF (fertility trouble in general) is so horrible , and takes over your life in ways you can’t imagine…. It sucks the joy out of intimacy, which doesn’t help matters, and consumes all your thoughts…
But I agree with Daisy above. Yes, you are a changed person, and you’ll always carry these scars, but it doesn’t mean you won’t get back to being yourself. It’s good that you are finally talking about it, and it’s important that you can be open. And I also agree that a break of some sort isn’t a bad idea, to reconnect and remind yourselves what you used to talk about before it was appointments and hormones …. It’s a horrible time of life, but it will pass 💪
Yes I can totally understand that, the thought of delaying a next step when there isn’t a ‘reason’ is just unbearable a lot of the time. I know I feel the same….. 😕 wishing you all the best and something wonderful 🤗
I am the same space probably could have had the same conversation with my husband it’s so hard but I think if you have been through this you are incredibly strong as a partnership and it is good to get these thoughts and feelings out there, life is tough and infertility is damn hard but yet here we are xxx
Thanks Star. It’s helpful to know I’m maybe not the only one out there feeling this way (although I wouldn’t wish this on anyone). You’re right, it is so hard but here we are - so the only way is through I guess!
So sorry Patches86, it’s difficult not to change going through all this. It’s bound to change you both and your dynamic. We can become obsessed with IVF that it takes over our lives - what to eat, supplements, cycles, lifestyle, time, money etc. could you try doing things to reconnect? With no talk of ivf, maybe some things you used to enjoy? I would be hurt to hear this news, although better he is being honest - he’s communicated his feelings so something can be done about it? I remember my husband saying similar things to me about becoming obsessed with IVF and asking me if we’re going to spend all out lives and money on a dream. It hurts as you can sense the other person coming to the end of wanting to go down the same path. Try not to lose yourself in it all, you are still you - you maybe just need to do some of the things together you used to enjoy. Good luck xx
That’s exactly it! The worry of not being on the same page. It sounds like you’ve been through similar. Thank you for your hopeful words and hope all is ok with you ❤️
Similar story, trying now to start enjoying life again and not letting ivf consume every aspect! I think we’re both scarred from the experience and will need time to reconnect and heal. Wishing you luck xx
I can only echo the above. They don’t understand how we feel but by the same token we don’t really understand what they are going through. It must be hard to watch the person you love suffer and change. My husband was always so confident it would eventually work but I wasn’t. I was worried about my ever increasing age and the looming big 4-0 and started to get obsessed with moving quickly terms of timescales. We did an egg collection and then started the process for an FET straightaway. It was very demanding physically and I think realistically it wasn’t a good idea even though you are so desperate to get cracking. That was just before Xmas and was our second failure so we took three months off where we had a drink, had fun with friends and family and then tried again which was this currently successful attempt.
I agree with everything everyone has said but also just want to add that you and your husbands relationship sounds really lovely, the way he feels is understandable as you say (as is how IVF makes us act/change) but the way you are both also so worried about the other and caring for each other’s feelings now and in the future is lovely! It’s a tough time but keep talking and have a little bit of fun! Me and my wife were at this stage a couple of years ago (although I have to say we didnt communicate it at all as well as you and your husband have in how you describe! There was a lot of bickering niggling through until we finally ‘talked’) and after our FET we went away for a break in the highlands and just had loads of fun and didn’t think about anything at all back home and it really really helped us so that we were a stronger couple no matter what the outcome of the 2WW was. Even without fertility treatment long term relationships need to just have a wee reboot form time to time but I think more so with all the pressure and heartache on this journey. Wishing you all the best 💜xx
Thank you! It’s special that you saw a good relationship between hubby and I amongst all my anxiety and complaints in my message 😆 let’s hope that is the case and infertility doesn’t ruin a good thing! I see you’re also up for another egg collection soon… best of luck!
I’m so sorry to hear of the issues you are having with your hubby and I totally agree with what everyone else has said too. I have a great partner and he is always extremely supportive of me. I also felt for a while that we were going through life like robots with each other for a while and I had realised that I had forgotten about him and his feelings/needs. After all they have no idea what we are going through. As much as they try to understand. We took the recommended breaks and focused on us. I stopped being so strict with myself and had a glass of wine or 2 here and there and just started to enjoy life again we went on dinner dates and a little weekend break. It worked wonders for us and allowed us just to enjoy each other’s company etc again.
I know it’s really hard but the best thing I have done it’s to relax more and enjoy life again.
I hope you both get everything sorted and your miracle baby comes soon for you both ❤️❤️ Xx
This same thing happened to me, I completely lost myself in the process of TTC. I would wake up in the morning and go on this forum, I would research fertility constantly, all I would think/talk about was fertility. I was miserable and didn’t even realize it…We ended up getting pregnant naturally but found out a few days later it was ectopic and that completely broke me. I was kind of forced to stop thinking about TTC and I spoke to a therapist who suggested we take a break from it all and try and enjoy life again. My husband was the one who didn’t want to take a break from it all but I needed to. It was the first time we weren’t on the same page and it was super difficult! The break has helped me so much! My head is clear, I picked up a new hobby that I love, we spend time with friends. I also don’t get upset hearing about other womens pregnancy announcements anymore because I have given myself some space from my fertility journey. We just had our 3rd FET after taking almost a year off and there is way less pressure this time! If you are able to take a break to reconnect with yourself and your husband it could really help, I know it did for me! You could even just take a break until the fall and just enjoy your summer together! I hope this helps! This experience isn’t for the faint of heart. Good luck!! ❤️😘
just reply to say that I hear you. TTC, IVF changes you. I had IVF last year and I’m not the same person I was. The grief of all of it put pressure on my relationship too. We experience it a way which is so different from our partners. The physical and mental grief can feel unbearable. I’ve really shut down in the last few months. The only thing that has helped me is enjoying little things. We started watching the Sopranos together, and it became the highlight of my day just sitting on the couch watching it with him. Walks with my headphone blasting out heavy metal to help me process anger and grief. Sending silly memes to my best friend. Cooking comforting but easy to make food. I’m also processing grief from childhood trauma which has made this whole time even harder. I’m very low contact with my family which has been lonely. I’m about to start EMDR therapy and have been told to create 3 figures to act as nurturer, protector and wisdom characters to help me when I receive treatment. This has been helpful. Sometimes we know what we need to hear but just want someone else to say it for us. I’ve found creating these ‘characters’ so helpful in the TTC struggle because they can tell me what I need to hear ie ‘what would my nurturing character do for me right now?’ and then I try and do it for myself . Hope this makes sense and I dont sound completely crazy. Jokes aside this ttc/ivf process is crazy making, so well done us for even attempting it. I really hope things get easier for the two of you. I’m off to make myself a delicious lunch because that is what I need right now . Take care
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