Hi there so we have been waiting a year and it’s our first ivf appointment next week however my partner has decided yesterday to tell me he doesn’t want to do it beacuse he’s not ready. We are going through ivf beacuse he has a extremely low sperm count but now he says it’s all too much for him and he doesn’t want to do it. I don’t even know what to do he says he wants children but not for a few years possibly. He says if we could conceive naturally it would be different but he’s scared will all the treatment/ so our appointment is out the window and I don’t even know if I should stay with him 😞 it’s heartbreaking. Any advice?
Ivf ruining relationship : Hi there so... - Fertility Network UK
Ivf ruining relationship
Written by
Mai1992
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
Read more about...
54 Replies
•
That is so tough. Can you just go to the appointment and see what they say? No pressure for him....say you can decide after that?
You are young so do have a bit of time....
You poor thing.
Xxx
Mai1992 in reply to
Ye I may just suggest that and see what he says. I think he’s overwhelmed with everything as we are meant to be getting married next year and we are looking for a house to buy he says it’s just too much I just don’t want to put everything on hold beacuse he’s scared. Thank you for the advice 
in reply to Mai1992
Yes I think slowy and softly haha. Even if your mind is going a million miles an hour (like mine 
)
If you can go and just see - sometimes they can just do initial tests and you can decide to hold on the IVF if he is still unsure.
Xxx
Wow you do have a lot on! Do you need to put one of the other things on hold so you can prioritise IVF?
This is tough, I'm sorry your partner feels this way, maybe it just nerves though, is ask him to at least go to consultation as not everyone is lucky enough to get pregnant on the first round of ivf. Why did he wait until the week of it app to say this, that's what makes me think he is nervous.
Most places offer counselling too if that would help? It sounds like you have a lot happening all at once which is understandable. But talking does help. He has expressed one of his opinions - maybe it changes daily, hourly even. Hopefully he will agree to go to the consultation even just to understand the process. The first consultation does not then immediately follow with you starting injections.
Good luck xx
Tugsgirl in reply to
I second the counselling suggestion. What a time to drop this on you. I hope you can both sort something out xx
Hi ye that’s what I’m wondering and I told him yesterday I felt he had been very unfair on me as we have been going through the journey for a long time and he chooses a few days before appointment to say it. He said he’s been excited to and if we could have it naturally he would be wanting a baby. I can’t really support him through it beacuse I’m so hurt! I will try to ask him to come to the appointment though xx
in reply to Mai1992
Good luck. Hopefully he agrees. This appointment really will just be discussion and not starting to inject or asking him for his deposit. And it would really be good for him to understand the process.
The whole process isn't hard really in terms of physically - besides injecting hormones into yourself daily for a while, having scans and bloods done a few times (I find the scans quite interesting in terms of viewing places not many people ever get to see) and having an actual shiney real properly fertilised egg put into its snug new resting ground. Other than that, the hardest thing is the emotional side. Easy to say in one word - emotion - but that is the big part. Maybe that is the part he doesn't understand how to help you with. You are the love of his life, the woman he wants to be with for the rest of his life, the one he does want to have children with.
You both need to be able to find a way to talk to really understand each other and help each other on this journey. Maybe he feels left out or unsure what to do to help and that might be his cause for change of mind? Maybe not. But you need to be able to talk and decipher each other in this status.
I hope you get to the appointment and I really hope you can get counselling (usually part of the cost) to help ease you through this time.
Good luck xxx
I had the same issue, my husband, has a very low perm count, the hospital said no trace of morphology. I do have a low ANH but not too bad, everything was looking good until he started backing out, he wasn’t following dr recommendations, it seems like he lots interest after we were told the main issues was him, he complained about ivf cost even though I told him I was happy to share the cost.
He just left everything to me, i was doing all the research for myself and for him. Well to cut the long story short I I made the decision to filed for divorce. I’m not saying you should do the same, but I will say if you surve this then you should go into marriage with him with your eyes peeled.
The truth is that people dont’t change, if someone is unrealiable and bails on you when the going gets tough, there is a big chance they will do it again, and you be unhappy In the long run.
Mine was 3 years ago and I’m 3 years older now, I met someone a year ago, his sperm is perfect but we still need ivf cuz I don’t want to wait any longer cuz I’m 35. But my partner is committed and supportive even though he is a poilot and very busy.
he makes sure he is available for our appointment when he is needed, he tells me how much he looks forward to seeing my bump, that’s all I needed from my partner. I wish you all the best
I really can sympathise with your position but it does also sound like you have lots of exciting things coming up.
Getting married is massive, getting a house is massive. I’ve done all those things before even considering adding a baby into it. Time to really enjoy life. We’ve had some amazing holidays, great times together and then went down the baby route to then get diagnosed with thyroid cancer.
All I’d say is don’t throw away the relationship for it. See if you can get him to the appointment, talk everything through. Maybe even suggest doing a round and then freezing until he’s ready?
Aww I’m so sorry for your diagnosis. I appreciate the advice, I didn’t even realise we could freeze them which may be an idea. You are right though it is a lot and I’m not scared but it is ok for him to be. Think I’ll make us a nice meal tonight and discuss all the points with him xx
I think going down the “I’m here to support you, we’re in this together” route may be better than “you pr!ck, why are you telling me now” route 🤣
A meal and talking would be perfect - maybe he’s so terrified that he won’t be able to give you a baby at all and it’s breaking him a bit? By putting it off, you’ll be married and have the house that you’ll be more permanent - if that makes sense??
Good luck! For DH and I, it was me that wasn’t sure about kids in the end - mainly due to taking so long to feel normal again after having my thyroid removed. We’re waiting today to hear how our little embryos are getting on in their Petri dish - it’s exciting and weirdly, the process has been much easier for us because we’ve gone through some pretty low times times together.
Good luck and keep us posted with how it’s going 👍🏼
in reply to Olivia80
Such a good idea! Freezing could really take the pressure off. X
Good morning lovely , me a few years ago would have said he’s selfish & leave him etc .. however been through IVF and seeing my husband suffering silently has changed this way of thinking .. I think your partner is very brave to speak up. Us ladies talk about our pains & worries inside out. Men don’t do that . My husband had to give me all injections as i could not do it myself . And it was painful for him. IVF is stressful for both parts . There may be the possibility that he’s scared that he won’t be able to perform on day X or fearing that his sperm is useless. My advice would be : find supplement to pimp is sperm ( I can send you a link of a page later ) and find a compromise as to how long to try naturally . Obviously don’t wait too long as the older you get the lower your chances will be . Imagine us ladies feel incomplete not being able to conceive if it’s on our side - now figure how a man is dealing with this . Try to see his point - he’s brave ! He rather speaks to you and doesn’t walk away. I hope I’m not too positive in my words but I’m always trying to find something good in any situation. Best of luck xx
Hi thanks for the reply! Yes please send me the link! I’m going to try to get him to go to the appointment and then agree to hold off for 2 years. I think that’s fair to give us time to do the other stressful stuff before xxx
Hello, I was in a similar position, we got married then bought a house then started IVF so that we took one step at a time. I could cope doing it all together but my hubby and men in general like to do things at their pace which is one thing at a time. My hubby has v low count and it’s been very hard on him although he doesn’t show it he makes comments now and again about not being a man and it being his fault. Must be very hard and I think us women need to be gentle and patient. I know the woman’s age issue needs to be brought up if the patience goes on too long but you may find you fall naturally while you focus on setting up your marriage and home ready for your family xxx
Aw it’s really tough, especially that he’s having this conversation just before your appointment. Men seem to take any sperm issues as a slight on their masculinity😔
When my OH found out he didn’t make any sperm he just shut down and wouldn’t talk about it for 4 months and I didn’t even try because he needed to process. I still need to tread lightly and he can’t really discuss it much a year later. The Channel 4 programme about the sperm donor this week almost pushed him over an edge and that was just from the adverts, we obviously didn’t watch it!
I’d suggest a very soft approach. Tell him you know he’s not ready but if you could go to the appointment next week and just see what they say. Then you could make any decisions later. I hope he agrees 🤞 xx
It happened to me but my partner refused to donate sperm on the day of egg collection and yet we had been going to the appointments together. He refused to leave the car park. The clinic counsellor talked to him and he finally donated the sperm. I was an emotional wreck and that round of ivf failed because my eggs were old he hasd been saying he was not ready for the past 5 years prior to this round of treatment
Ye I’m wondering wether councilling would be good but he won’t like the idea. How is your partner with treatment now?
He eventually accepted to go with donor eggs because he saw how devastated i was because of the failed cycle. We went with donors egg and got a BfP but now we always fight because he feels that since we got the BFP i don't need him anymore and that i am pushing him away. We fight over little issues and big issues. So I think he is a bit insecure and i am not sure how to handle this. I love him and need his support but he feels that now that i have what i wanted i don't need him. So it has been really hard. I hope he will accept at some point that yes i really want children but i also want him to be part of my life. Maybe that was why he was resisting all along. We may have benefited from proper counselling before moving to donor eggs. Sorry for late response.
Everyone has given such good advice hope your man does agree to the consultation and that helps him best wishes to you both for your future x
Thank you ❤️
hey there. how are you doing now hun? it must be hard for you. try taking him into confidence. ask him to go to the appointment and then decide. you can never lose hope. both the partners are equally responsible in the making or breaking the family. he needs to understand this too. if you have mutually decided for the baby. naturally or another way should not matter. work on what you want, and that's to have a baby. no matter what the way. talk about it. give him some time. else it's up to you to make a choice.
Hi
This sounds exactly like my husband..
I think men see this in a totally different way to women (ivf) I was excited but still a bit nervous about going to my appointments where as he hated it and always looked like he was gona bite someone’s head off and he definitely wouldn’t have gone to counciling either.i think men look at it as if they are less masculine when women just think of the baby at the end of it all. Look only you know him. But what I did was only got him to go to the appointments he had to go to like to fill forms and the rest I did myself. Try and not put pressure on him as he will only go in the opposite way. We haven’t told anyone about our journey as he wanted to keep it private and now I’m 18 weeks pregnant and only my boss at work knows I’m pregnant we are planning to tell everyone after my 20 week scan. Sometimes you have to bite your tongue with your husband as men are just different from women. I truly wish you luck and hope you can sort it out. There’s also a book in Waterstones about ivf and it has a mans point of view and women’s so maybe he could read it.
Xx
Book is called get a life
Ivf survival guide it’s brilliant
I have mixed feelings about you right now. On one hand I am happy that you resorted to the IVF. On the other hand I am really not happy to learn the condition of your husband. Infertility is like this. It has equal share of both male and female partner. In your case it is your spouse. Unfortunately you have started with your IVF. The problem has now appeared. You were fighting a war. This war has got complicated. You need to convince your husband. You have to make him realise that this is also a dark patch that will go away just like the previous hard times. These times become really easy to deal with if the support comes if the life partners support each other. At this point nothing can help you. You have to strengthen your husband. Give him the hope. Tell him that if you found a solution to the infertility you can find the solution to your low sperm count. Don't let unnecessary stress overcome you. I hope you will enjoy the best in your life soon.
So many men do this. My husband did it momentarily has a really stroppy moment before our first ever round and I screamed at him that it felt like he didn’t want to do it. He did feel that way but it was worry. Don’t forget you’re not the first this has happened to. And you could call your clinic and ask if you could move your appointment on two weeks. In that time do some nice things etc and chat about where your heads are. My BFF has this issue; the clinic told her she wasn’t the first. Their little girl is almost three now... and daddy is the daddy he just didn’t expect he could be x
Thank you so much for this reply it reall has made me feel more positive!! He has agreed to the appointment and said we would take it step by step and see how he feels after appointment this week. He is also a smoker and has found it hard to quit which I also believe to be a factor xx
My husband had 0 sperm count. It was so hard for both of us but he felt like he was letting us down. After a while he got a bit brave and spoke to his best mate who was really understanding. A while later he told his parents. Later, we told my parents and then he told more of his friends. We were both surprised how supportive everyone was about the situation. Talking to someone outside of our relationship definitely helped him. I recommend your partner talk to the clinics councillor if he is experiencing nerves. We have fingers crossed extraction will be successful for us to.
Hope all goes well got you xx
I was/am in a similar situation. We met and married later in life but we started not trying/not preventing after a year of being together. After 4 years I wen to see my GP as I was woried something was wrong and I was 36 by this time but was told that I'd only be given a blood test to see if I ovulate and wouldn't be referred for other tests or examinations unless my then fiance agreed for a sperm analysis because thats the easiest test to do. He refused and I wasn't sure I wanted to marry him after all the rows we had about it.
He said exactly the same as your husband that we weren't ready and we shouldn't get tested, but if it happens naturally, we'd cope. We were engaged but not living together so timed sex was difficult and he worked nights too which didn't help.
I decided that we had a relationship in every other respect, I loved him and still wanted to marry him. Part of me thought that once we were living together, our chances of conceiving would be a lot higher so I basically told him if we weren't pregnant by a year after our wedding the I would insist he get tested.
We had been living together over a year when we married so when we still couldn't conceive when our 1st anniversary approached he went to see his GP who referred him for a semen analysis. It turns out he has a low sperm count, not the greatest motility and only a 1% morphology.
I think he only agreed to get tested as time was running out. I turn 40 in 3 weeks. That was the wake up call he needed but unfortunately it is probably too late, although his count is improving. Fertility specialist would recommend IVF but we don't qualify due to my BMI and I am running out of time to sort that out even though I had my forst dietician appointment last week.
Depending on your age and how you feel about this man you may have time to allow him to come to terms with things. If you're in your 20's or early 30's then my advice would be to at least give him a year off from TTC with the firm understanding that you will come back in ayear to discuss it seriously. If he sees all his male friends and relatives becomming fathers it may be the incentive he needs. Just check with your fertility doctor the age limits for IVF in your area first.
I understood that my husband wanted to wait until we had bought our own house before having a child, but theoretically we could do that at any age and we can't get pregnant at any age. We move into our owned home in just over 3 weeks too but it may be too late for us to become parents, but at least husband has his house. Good luck
What a shame. I feel for you. However, this is a journey where you both need to be on the same page. My experience of IVF is full of WAITING. My advice is that your fiancé go to the first appointment with you and then you can both make a decision after that.
I wouldn’t give up the initial appointment. Life is always hectic and the fact that you are both busy might work in your favour as it could be a distraction to the heartache of being unable to concieve naturally.
Good luck xxxxx
Hi Mai, there was a wonderful webinar on here the other night that you might find useful. It was by a chap called Russell Davies, he might be able to offer some advice. It sounds that your partner is overwhelmed with everything and probably a bit stressed about it all. Is there anyway you can help to minimise this? Perhaps sitting and prioritising what’s important rather than trying to do so much all at the same time, It is worth going to the first appointment, if you can find a way to convince him. Be kind to each other and look after each other. Hugs Xx
Sometimes I think it’s upseting knowing u have a problem x hopefully if u talk it through with the consultant x goodluck Hun xx
IVF definitely puts a lot of strain into a relationship... With men they tend not to talk as much as us women. He is probably overwhelmed as well although it's probably less noticeable. Try to sit him down and tell him about your worries (especially with so much going on). My husband didn't realise how terrible I felt until I did that, and he was honest that he could never be able to understand fully what I was going through. Hope you guys manage to resolve in the end xx
Hi Mai, I recently had my 1st ivf appointment despite not being 100% sure if it's good to go through the ivf drugs...being worried about my breast lumps...and I also understand you and your partner as well. I'd wish to have a baby but not through ivf...but we don't know why this didn't happened...unexplained. anyway...the daywe had the 1st appointment I told to the doct I'm a bit worried about the drugs and the breast lumps...so he said it's best thing first to check the breast and when I'm prepared to start. Nobody will push you to start right now...you can give a few months to your partner to think about it...and to take a decision...mostly his sperm count is low. You could try...if you haven't yet...a few supplements for him and maybe in a few months...half an year..you'll be pregnant without ivf.
How scary. Does he know about frozen embryos? Could you agree to put any embies on ice?
IVF is a journey and maybe he’s afraid now but it’s not going to happen overnight. Having the frozen embryos is a genius idea. Your eggs will never be as young as they are today it’s the most prudent thing to do. I agree 100%
I am so sorry. Do you mind me asking how old you are?x
Hi there I am 26
Firstly I totally agree that counselling is a wonderful thing If you can get him to agree to go. So that would be my first step.
The problem you face is that you could put it back and risk him doing it again to you.
My husband started getting cold feet and I am 36 and I basically said if he let me down at that stage I’d not be able to forgive it.
You are much younger and have more time but if you feel it’s make or break I get that.x
Believe it or not its not my partner that is having doubts about ivf it is me altho i feel for you that he has done this to you last minute i can see how feeling overwhelmed by everything can make you panic and want to escape it all as much as i want a baby i take having a baby even more serious now that we have to go through this process than if we had concieved naturally as i know ivf can be stressful and i find my self having constant moments of self doubt despite originally being thrilled about the chance to receive ivf i go for my first ivf app in a couple of weeks and despite my feelings i will go as i know if i dont i will regret it, hopefully you can talk it through and put his mind at ease to still go to the appointment
hey there! I hope you are doing great. I think TTC is one of the hardest things. IVF is one of the greatest blessings of science. I think it should not ruin your relationship. you need to be stronger for this and develop better relationships because being a single parent is very hard.
Wow, sounds like you do have a lot on at the moment. I met my husband when I was 28, I wanted to do everything in what I thought was “the right order”. So we got married after 3 years together and then we started thinking about having a family which is when we found out we were infertile.... it took then 8 more years to finally be at a stage where our family is complete.
IVF can be unpredictable and the fact that you know you have a fertility problem gives you more of a heads up than I had. My advice to anyone would be get started sooner rather than later because the older you get, the harder it gets.
I’d have prioritised IVF over a big wedding any day. I’d have gone to the registry office and spent the bare minimum had I known.
Maybe he needs to know that this is you’re biggest priority and that the other things can come second??
Hi, I know the feeling. Been with my partner 4.5 years. After 3 years trying to conceive, and two years of him refusing to be tested we finally got our answer to the infertility:no sperm at all. Needing sperm donor. One day he was "ok, let's do it" next day was no.. changing mind every 3 min. We got to the fertility center and in front of everybody he said he doesn't want kids.
I am 38, and a midwife. I could not see myself with no family. I had to give up the idea of a wedding and I had to leave London that I loved because of him. I could not give up on this. I respect his feelings but I decided to carry on alone. Done my retrieval and ET last week. He is dating someone else in less than a month we broke up. I am happy with my choice. If u give up this, relationship is going to suffer anyway. So think what you really want. First time in 4 years I am feeling at peace. Big hug.
There is good ureologists that can recommend a diet that makes improve the sperm .
There is many people talking about it online .Lister clinic has good Drs that work outside Lister clinic and go to Lister sometimes .You book privatly with them and go privatly .
He could advice you .
Hi there, I really feel for you. I’m the same age as you and my partner is a few years older but also was low in all areas of sperm analyst. Our world was turned upside down a couple of years ago now, when his dad died in March very suddenly, we got told about his fertility issues in April and in May we brought a house and moved in. It was awful, the rows we used to have and the horrible things we used to say to each other I was starting to think are we like this because of the fertility issues or are we like this because this is what we’ve become now? Is this the real us? My partner never really opened up about it and when he did he would tell me to go and find somebody else, somebody that can give me what I want as he was holding me back. I always said to him don’t be stupid. Your problems are my problems but I think he was just so nervous he would rather push me away than go through the hurt of seeing me upset. And that’s why to me this sounds like nerves as he’s only just telling you before your appointment and I reckon he thinks if we don’t go through with it then there’s nothing that can hurt us. It’s probably hit his pride a lot and he’s got cold feet. Like the other lady’s said try counselling, maybe try acupuncture to try and relax him abit more but remember to find somebody who is actually trained in fertility and maybe get him to try and speak to one of his friends? I know it’s a completely different ball game with guys though. He’s certainly not alone and neither are you. A positive note though is in November we started ICSI and I’m now 29 weeks pregnant, worked first time which I know is an absolute blessing in itself but as soon as I found out our arguments went away (ok we’ve had a few since probably due to hormones lol) but no where near as bad. He’s a changed man. Hope you can get him to come round, I’m sure everything will fall to place in its own time. Wishing you the best of luck xxx
Hey! Hope so you are doing good. After reading your post I really felt odd. I think he is scaring from the whole process. You should convince or persuade him, But if he is not being agreed upon the decision then I think you should wait for a while. It's better for both of you. Mental preparation plays an important role in such decisions. It has also a great impact on the child who will be in the womb. So it's better to sort out everything before taking any decision. That's my opinion. I hope you would take the right decision.
Hi there how are you? I can completely understand your situation. IVF is not an easy thing to do. You partner may be scared of the treatment. You must take him with you and visit a doctor. There is a clinic in Europe. The best deal with it. You consult a good doctor. They will clear his doubts. Then after that, you can decide. So don't worry. Everything will be fine. You should be strong for that. Remember difficulties in your journey makes your destination beautiful. I wish you a very good luck .
Hi There. I hope you are doing good. I read your post. I think you should not give each other up at such times. You should take your time. Many relations break because of infertility. I hope you guys work your issues up. I hope all goes well for you.
Not what you're looking for?
You may also like...
Ruined relationship with my son..
to try surrogacy. He desperately wants to have kids. And I want him to be happy. I have fulfilled my
Relationship, sex and IVF
we started IVF. As a result, we don’t have any intercourse. I cannot even remember if we had any...
IVF strain on relationship - will arguments affect implantation chances?
surrounding me ‘taking this whole thing too seriously’ and him going out without me to clubs and...
Relationship struggles
worms and he is now saying he doesn’t know how much more of this he can do, he just wants a better...
Private IVF or NHS IVF
problems- its all me).
So I also don’t want to wait a year and be told because he’s a few pounds...
Relationship struggles
Major relationship problems a week from starting a new cycle 😢
Unsucssesful IVF Marriage failing 
