just in need of relationship advice

[TRYING2016]

As most of you are aware I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago, I want or should say I am need of help...im still feeling incredibly emotional and have real down days and frustrations of anger. what I didn't tell any of you at the time was my oh was abroad for most of the time (something he couldn't get away from, too long to explain) when I say most of the time I mean from the day I found out about the miscarriage until it was completed.

although he was there over the phone and was really supporting im starting to feel anger towards him, and feel like he doesn't care or understand how I feel. im really thinking of leaving him but I know this is my hurt speaking, he tries to take my mind off it all by throwing jokes and taking me out and he has been positive with it will happen for us etc but im on the opposite side thinking you don't know what I went through, I don't want to stay with you and I don't want to go out with you or listen to your jokes etc etc etc.

I love him dearly he was there throughout our ivf cycle and has never given me a reason to complain, but I cant get over this now. I need to know how to speak to him about this so if there are any males if you could give me advice or anyone any suggestions on how to feel better and positive.

I have my consultation in over a week or so, and although I have told my oh I feel like not including him and telling him its cancelled so he don't come with me but again that's my hurt and anger not what I really want or what my heart wants and I feel like im just pushing him away.

sorry for the long post and thank you for replies in advance, and if anyone was in the same boat now or once before please share xxxxxxxxxx

[Hidden]

Hiya, all the emotions you're feeling are normal but try not to take them out on your OH. I had a missed miscarriage two years ago and I didn't even want mine going with me to the hospital to have the D&C. After he just wanted to carry on with our lives and I punished him loads for it saying he didn't care,he hasn't gone through anything etc, but that's obviously not true. He now says one of us had to be strong and how would i feel if I was breaking down and so was he, men take things differently and yours is obviously trying to cheer you up! And don't go to the extreme of saying you want to leave him, things are too raw and you might end up making a mistake, you obviously had a decent enough relationship to go through IVF with him 😘😘😘 xxx

[TRYING2016 in reply to Hidden]

Thats what my oh keeps saying that he needs be strong to support me, and maybe im being horrible but its just so hard. Thank you so much for your message 😘 xx

[Hidden in reply to TRYING2016]

Take care of yourself and make time for you and him too xxxx

[Hidden]

It’s sometimes hard not to feel like this all your emotions and hormones feeling your not priority when you need to be reassured and comforted. Your husband is probably trying to cheer you up making jokes maybe it’s his way of coping he might not wanting to show his real emotions so it doesn’t upset you more. Talking explaining how your feeling its best out in the open and it helps to move forward healing. Hugs xx mc are just awful. Take care xx

[TRYING2016 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you xxxxx

[Hidden]

Sweetie I’m so sorry to read this. I think it’s really difficult for you just now. I know when I had my miscarriage my husband hubby was great but at the time but hated seeing me upset and felt that he had partly contributed to the pain because he more pushed fir the ivf. In turn because he struggled he tried to encourage me to forget and move on. I appreciate that was his way and still try to explain to him he really has no idea how horrific it is miscarrying. It is so difficult to them because everything is real to us, we feel it, live it, hormones are mad. I remember being angry at thinking he didn’t care and I was probably selfish thinking it was all about me but really I know we both lost we both hurt and we both need to try and understand each other. It’s difficult but you both will come out of the other side I promise xxx

[TRYING2016 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your message, i agree it is so difficult for them because we go through it physically too and having such a close bond taken away from us really hurts and for them i guess they need to take the lead at this time to help carry on. Xxxxx

[Hidden]

Good morning Hun, I totally get where you are coming from! I live between England & Greece as my husband is Greek & we have a house there. He works away on one of the Greek Islands during the summer ( I do go out there a lot ) but when I've had my 2 missed miscarriages it's been during the summer when I've been here in England alone. I was totally gutted after the second loss as I stupidly didn't expect lightening to strike twice & my husband was saying things like don't worry we can try again. He was just trying to be positive but it made me so angry that the lost baby seemed to be so easily replaceable in his eyes. I think he was trying to be upbeat in order to make me feel like I would get through it but I wanted him to show me he was hurting too instead of making me feel bad for being upset, angry etc. I felt so lonely due to his actions but kind of understand them a bit more now. He didn't get why I worried so much about my age either just because his cousin was lucky enough to have a baby at 42 ( I was 40 at the time ). During IVF ( egg collection day ) we had issues where he couldn't produce his sample. I was totally furious as beforehand I'd mentioned surgical sperm retrieval only for him to say he wouldn't need it. We had a massive argument outside the clinic cos he ( & the nurse ) said I wasn't helping him. I even told him if I had my passport on me I would have flown home & divorced him. My rainbow baby had never seemed so far out of reach He ended up have surgical sperm retrieval anyhow! I guess all I'm trying to say is it's normal to feel how you are & I guess some men can't be as open about their feelings as we are. I think they try to be loving & supportive but just go about it in a different way to what we need. Please try & get him to talk to you about how your feeling. I'm normally so gentle & quiet so am so ashamed of what I thought & how I treated my husband but it was probably down to grief & fear. I hope things get better for you soon. Lots of love xx

[TRYING2016 in reply to Hidden]

This is me, your post says it all. Thats how i am currently feeling and thats how mad at times i can get like a divorce is a miracle and everything will get sorted. I felt lonely too and looking back has mede me feel fearful of going for my next round although my oh won’t be abroad 🤞 but i am convincing myself he won’t be there for me but im doing all the pushing which isnt helping. Thank you for your message i have read your previous posts sorry to hear what you have gone through and i wish you get your miracle baby at the end, keep us updated xxx

[Arya10]

I’m so sorry to hear of your miscarriage.

Sounds like your feelings are totally natural in this situation, and of course anger is a difficult emotion which is made a bit easier if there’s someone to direct it at. Totally get your frustrations of feeling he doesn’t get what you went through - it’s your body so a different type of rollercoaster emotions than men feel. Not to say they don’t suffer too in this process.

Are you receiving any counselling? I’d highly recommend it throughout the TTC process. Look for ‘person centred’ counselling with a specialism in grief and loss. I was already receiving counselling before my TTC journey and I’m so glad I kept it up. She is very helpful when I need to off load my feelings and letting me vent the anger. She also helps me see things from DHs perspective when ever I feel frustrated with him. xx

[TRYING2016 in reply to Arya10]

Hello thank you so much for your message, i have thought about counselling but wasn’t sure whether it will help. Do you think its beneficial? How many sessions did you go for before you noticed improvement i was also going to look into emotional therapy and see if that helps. I definitely need something to prepare for our next round xxx

[Arya10 in reply to TRYING2016]

As long as you’re open to talking (and sounds like you are) then it would defo help. It’s hard to say how many sessions, I’ve been getting counselling every fortnight for about 4 years but that’s due to other issues. It’s whatever you’re comfortable with and can afford (though I’m sure you could get some free sessions via a charity) and keep going as long as you feel it’s valuable. Sometimes I go longer without a session if I feel good and nothing bothering me, other times I might need more if I’m really upset.

Having issues TTC puts SO much pressure on a relationship, counselling means you can be honest with someone who won’t judge you, it’s someone else who can empathise with what you’re going through (friends and family don’t tend to really truly understand) and provide support, guidance and perspective. xx

[TRYING2016 in reply to Arya10]

Thank you it’s definitely something im going ahead with, as you said its not something that can be spoken about and understood even by close families and friends. My fertility clinics provides i think the first 3 or 5 free of charge which is a benefit. Sometimes you can feel so lonely in this process and it seems to start taking over everyday life.

[Lizzielizzielizzie in reply to TRYING2016]

I had counselling, not specifically fertility counselling but saw a psychotherapist through work. It helped. I also had an acupuncture toxin drain which I think really really helped too.

Lots of my friends have also had miscarriages (though not also ivf) and talking through the experience to them really helped. You might be surprised how many people around you have gone through it- amongst my friends it’s definitely more than the stated 1 in 4 women.

[TRYING2016 in reply to Lizzielizzielizzie]

Ive not heard of acupuncture toxin drain? What does that involve? Thank you xx

[Lizzielizzielizzie in reply to TRYING2016]

It’s just what my acupuncturist did when I started with her which was after a bad miscarriage and some failed ivf. It involved needles in the back, they put them in and the area goes a bit red if there are toxins to drain. It’s finished once the needles go in and the skin doesn’t go red. Usually about 45 mins I think but it took four sessions for me until until my “chi” was flowing freely again and no red. Which I think showed how much stress, tension and toxins my body was holding on to. I really felt so much better afterwards.

[TRYING2016 in reply to Lizzielizzielizzie]

Im going to look into this too, i was also interested in a psychotherapist is this something similar to emotional therapy? X

[Lizzielizzielizzie in reply to TRYING2016]

I’m sorry I don’t know the difference between all the different types of therapy, I went with psychotherapy because that’s what my work offered. It’s a talking therapy and my therapist focused on identifying and enhancing the coping strategies I already had. She was also interested in how my childhood and life experiences have made me who I am, and how my mental self talk works. But I don’t know if this is how all psychotherapy works.

[TRYING2016 in reply to Lizzielizzielizzie]

Ok thank you so much it has really helped x

[Hidden]

Oh TRYING2016, this is such a hard time and as you have said yourself he could not help with being away and sounds like a lovely partner doing what he can now that he is here. Yes, you have your consultation but also I would very strongly advise counselling together. You should definitely not be making any relationship decisions where your head is at at the moment. Get in touch with the clinic now to arrange a counselling appointment.

Big hugs xxx

[TRYING2016 in reply to Hidden]

Yes i am definitely thinking about counselling and will be going for it, I appreciate your message thank you xxx

[Hidden in reply to TRYING2016]

Sending you both big hugs x

[TRYING2016 in reply to Hidden]

Xx

[Anya80]

Oh I’m so sorry for your loose and what you are feeling now. I had mmc las year, the pain is unbelievable and I’m still emotional over my baby lose and I still try to learn and accept that not all the people even within my close vicinity (or even family) knows what myself or my hubby feels like after the lose, not sure if they ever will. But as for my hubby, I saw how hard that event was for him, he was there with me for the scan and bad news he also dropped me for D&C at hospital but he could not pick me up cos he started first chemo himself that day😰I saw him crying I saw face full of pain and how much he’s been hurt and I was so in comfort in a way I had someone to talk through the process of recovery from this tragic event because I’ve felt he exactly knew what I’m feeling at the moment... but others from family members particularly few people on which I spread my anger from miscarriage (only silently), I don’t trust almost hate them and I feel like they never ever would be able to understand us, I want to cut them off from our life, the feeling still there unfortunately. they have got their moment on me when I was in grieve and touched me to bones hence I don’t know if I ever will be able to get on with them anymore.

I think because you haven’t seen your partner grieve and hurt it’s more difficult for you to know that he is hurt too, but I think he is and more then you might even know about, perhaps you need to talk to him have a good talk about the loose as the loose of yours both might help he might need this talk and you too....

[TRYING2016 in reply to Anya80]

Yes i can understand how you feel, even who i have told don’t truly understand what i have been through and having a miscarriage after ivf feels so much more emotionally painful. We have had a few chats and i know he is upset aswell but like i said he is being the strong one and keeping me sane and i love him for that but its just hard as i have so many emotions running through my head.

Im so sorry to hear about your husband oh my that must of been the hardest day for the both of you, i really hope and wish you have happiness xxxxx

[Barbara1012]

sorry to read this sweets. I cant add much to the advice already given, just wanted to send hugs xx

[TRYING2016 in reply to Barbara1012]

Xxxx

[Esme78]

Be kind to yourself. You are dealing with a huge loss and your husband may be doing the same, in his own way, even though he may not be demonstrating it and 'hiding' in his work and other commitments. Give yourself time to grieve. Have counselling. Talk to one or two close friends who know what you are going through. Talk to others who have gone through miscarriage. In any case, do include your husband in your MC appointment - he is part of the situation and he will be also part of the solution and healing. Lots of hugs xx

[TRYING2016 in reply to Esme78]

Hello, thank you for your advice i tried to speak to him last night and we ended up arguing and he said he didnt care about the whole ivf or the miscarriage and said if it happens it happens if it doesn’t it doesn’t. He cant say that to me and expect me to feel ok. It makes me angry the fact he can go back to normal and when its time for me or us he doesn’t make a effort for anything. Im not concentrating on our relationship anymore im thinking about me first for once and then dealing with him once im emotionally recovered. I feel its not a journey you should be walking alone on when theres two of you and its not fair on me being emotionally targeted every time. I’ve tried to speak to him about all this he is fine for a day or so but goes back to his normal self. He has family abroad siblings etc and thats all everything is about and i have spoken to him about but im always second best my problems are second best and my miscarriage is second best. Im done with it now emotionally and physically done trying for us im focusing on my wellbeing and want to concentrate on myself. Thank you esme78 and sorry for. Such a post xxx

[Lyn84]

Hi i went through the same thing as i felt hurt and angry that he didnt seem to feel the same as me and felt like how could i stay with him that was 4months ago at the time the way we were arguing i didnt think we would get through it but it was just that i needed more time and now i feel in a totally different place mentally and emotionally. I hope you manage to work things out x

[TRYING2016 in reply to Lyn84]

Thank you xxx

[Cinderella5]

Ive read your posts a few times and I havent been in your position but the other ladies have given some great advice about counselling! Im sorry your having such a difficult time, thinking of you!xx

[TRYING2016 in reply to Cinderella5]

Thank you xxx

[Facingreality]

Hi. I hope things worked out for you in the end. ☮️💜☮️