There isn't a single place in me that hasn't been touched by this struggle and I am wondering if any women here could speak to how their lives have changed? I want to know if everyone is as obsessed as me!
For me, it feels like every moment, every decision, from what I am eating to how I am thinking could have an impact on whether or not I will ever get to see those two blessed lines. I find it so hard to pay attention to anything but this journey. I force myself up and out each morning but by about 15.00 I just want to fast-forward the day, the weeks till my next IVF. Even when I am actively trying to bring acceptance and presence to the moment by taking a bath or going for a walk, there it lurks, nagging away. I am tired.
And, I am angry. It comes so easy to others around me. My older sister who got pregnant 18 months ago whilst...wait for it...on the pill, smoking, drinking, severely overweight with a casual partner who'd had a vasectomy 15 years ago, shouted over the phone last month whilst I was talking to mum, "just eat lots of brownies and yum yums, haha, that worked for me". In two days I was about to have both fallopian tubes removed. I swear my rage could have leveled cities.
I just realised today how much I have put into this with no results and I am amazed by my perseverance. I am knocked off my feet daily by all the women who get back up each day to continue. There is so much strength here. I am grateful to you women sharing your stories, the world would feel so much lonelier without you all.