Does normalcy exist on this journey? - Fertility Network UK

Fertility Network UK

36,393 members45,832 posts

Does normalcy exist on this journey?

recidwen profile image

There isn't a single place in me that hasn't been touched by this struggle and I am wondering if any women here could speak to how their lives have changed? I want to know if everyone is as obsessed as me!

For me, it feels like every moment, every decision, from what I am eating to how I am thinking could have an impact on whether or not I will ever get to see those two blessed lines. I find it so hard to pay attention to anything but this journey. I force myself up and out each morning but by about 15.00 I just want to fast-forward the day, the weeks till my next IVF. Even when I am actively trying to bring acceptance and presence to the moment by taking a bath or going for a walk, there it lurks, nagging away. I am tired.

And, I am angry. It comes so easy to others around me. My older sister who got pregnant 18 months ago whilst...wait for it...on the pill, smoking, drinking, severely overweight with a casual partner who'd had a vasectomy 15 years ago, shouted over the phone last month whilst I was talking to mum, "just eat lots of brownies and yum yums, haha, that worked for me". In two days I was about to have both fallopian tubes removed. I swear my rage could have leveled cities.

I just realised today how much I have put into this with no results and I am amazed by my perseverance. I am knocked off my feet daily by all the women who get back up each day to continue. There is so much strength here. I am grateful to you women sharing your stories, the world would feel so much lonelier without you all.

Ceridwen xx

17 Replies

100% this is me too! Its changed my life from waking up earlier and earlier each day obsessively taking me temps, to what i’m eating / drinking .. how much water i’m having, what vitamins in what combination and I trying this month? Not being able to concentrate at work because someone has suggested something that worked for them and I can’t wait to go home and google it until my fingers bleed 🤦🏻‍♀️

I’ve forgot what life was like before we started trying, and as of yet I can’t see a life after it either 😞

I’m hoping the holiday we have booked in April will help but we’ll see.

You are not alone 😌 xx

recidwen profile image
recidwen in reply to Sunshine92

Hey Sunshine. I am a HUGE Googler. Like, it is really, really a problem. We are actually moving house next month and we are purposely not getting wifi in our home because I need to go cold turkey. Oh my, this is one long battle I just never imagined it. I can only hope that both of us will one day get to hold our sweet babies and be able to breathe a sigh of relief. Thank you for turning up here. So good to know I am not the only one. xxx

It is hard, I try not to let it change how I am on a day to day basis, but I do really struggle now with seeing families etc, I have distanced myself a bit from people with kids, I hope not for good tho. I try to eat normally etc cos I see people around me eating what they want, drinking, smoking etc and getting pregnant so although I try to have a balanced diet I don't think it needs to be more than the nhs recommend. My motivation in work has definitely changed the most tho, having a baby is just so much more important, but I don't think that's a bad thing. I hope that ur next ivf cycle comes around quickly for u, sorry this reply probably hasn't been very helpful bit just wanted to share my experience xox

recidwen profile image
recidwen in reply to jm22

jm22 thanks for taking the time. That is all I really needed :) What you said about work resonates with me and I don’t think it is necessarily negative but when the possibility of a baby seems so far away it can feel like I am setting myself up for heartache. Although, I have to say I definitely have accepted that on this journey heartache is inherent. Look at how much we sacrifice for our babies already!! Xxxx

I am with you on this. My life has been all about ivf for the last 4 years and it is tough seeing others having a child so easily. I am a positive person and others are always telling me it will happen but it's so hard to imagine that dreams do come true. I am still on my journey and we have a lot of strength and it's needed to keep us going. The support on here is amazing and leaning on one another is the only way I've been able to feel that i am not alone. Xx

recidwen profile image
recidwen in reply to Georgie17

Hey Georgie! You’ve been on this road four years already? I am so sorry. You are right about the support here. People just cannot understand if they haven’t been through it. Sometimes, I almost find the reassuring “it will happen” annoying, especially when it comes from people with children. Maybe it is just me, but I wish sometimes people would be brave enough to just sit with me in the loss and uncertainty. Xxx

It really doesn’t exist. I am, quite literally, obsessed.

Nothing in the world will make sense unless this works. I am remortgaging my flat, potentially leaving my job to move abroad for private treatment, not eating anything wrapped in plastic and haven’t spoken to friends who have recently become pregnant because I can’t cope with it.

My friend also got pregnant within one month. My heart sank. I want to feel happy for her - and I do - but it is so unfair. I feel like I have a disease. I can’t do the most normal thing in the world. And sometimes I hate myself, and the world for it.

Other days are better. Some are terrible. I really feel for you. I am exhausted too. I just want my life back.

And I would have hit the roof if that was my sister! People just don’t get it....but they should educate themselves. They should support you and be emotionally sensitive.

Keep going with the perseverance. It will only make you stronger, and you will have a family - whatever type of family that might be - just hang on in there ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

recidwen profile image
recidwen in reply to

Yes to being totally obsessed! I am owning it. I don’t stop myself from talking about it every minute now. It is like you said this is going to be my reality until one way or another we have a baby. People don’t get it. Fertility is never something we really focus on in our culture. We are all so cerebral, wanting to be more evolved than what seems to drive the rest of the planet’s inhabitants: reproduction of their dna. It is so basic and yet so mystical. I feel like it is the one thing we have left that links us to all this mystery. I hope for us both that we get what we need!!!! Xxxxx

So true. The number of people who have said to me “just eat this”, “just have good sex”, “just relax” - arrrrgghhh.

They don’t have a clue. There is so much miseducation and misperceptions.

These issues go unspoken and whilst they need more public attention (and funding from government) it is such an intimate part of my life I don’t want anyone to know.....

It is outrageous that we have to spend our life savings, or pensions, or sell our belongings to pay for treatment. That said, I would give up anything just for a chance......


recidwen profile image
recidwen in reply to

You are right Anna. There should be more discussion about what is happening, the increasing numbers of couples affected. I beliebe if the gift of fertility had been discussed and celebrated when I was a girl I would have been more protective of my body. It is after all, because I felt it worthless that I caught chlamydia when I was 17 and subsequently ended up here! Power and strength to us all. Xxx

Your post really resonated with me as it has with many others. People who have not been on this journey as caring and understanding as they want to be do not truly understand the struggles, the highs and lows, the heartache and heartbreak of this journey and how it changes you.

All I can say is I am grateful to have stumbled across this forum that is on the other side of the world that has bought me do much comfort and solace during my darkest hours.

Thank you for your post lovely and sharing your experiences and making the craziness of this journey that we all share seem 'normal'.

May 2019 be the year that we all realise our dreams 💜💜

I am glad it did Christine and hello! If you don’t mind me asking, what is your story? I am hoping for grace in 2019 for us all. Xxxx

Hi lovely I am 39 years old and live in Australia and started my IVF journey this year. I had two IUI cycles (if I had my time over I wouldn't of bothered with and would have gone straight to IVF). I've had 3 IVF cycles and on my second cycle I for the first time fell pregnant only to find out it was a blighted ovum at 7 weeks. This was heart breaking and soul destroying going in for a scan naively not knowing this was possible and expecting to hear a heart beat only to be told there was no heart beat but a perfectly formed placenta with high levels of HCG and lots of morning sickness.

On top of all this I was working a high pressured job in an extremely toxic environment. A few weeks after my miscarriage I was pushed out (they were not aware I was undergoing treatment, I only had 3 working days off during the entire process as I was afraid they would push me out). I got legal advice and could of pursued it, but to be honest I just wanted to close the door to this horrible chapter of my life.

I lived my darkest days these last few months but feel I have come out the other side and after 4 months off I have just accepted a role, that is a step back but will allow me to focus on starting a family and am optimistic that 2019 will be my year.

Sorry for the long winded response, would love to hear your story.

Ohhhh you are in summer right now then aren’t you? I am missing the sun on this blustery day. I can’t imagine the pain on that second cycle, all that joy and elation and then that, heartbreak!! How did you guys cope?

I am 29 and from the UK. I found out about four years ago that I had bilaterally blocked Fallopian tubes with hydrosalpinx. I’d had PID when I was 17 from a chlamydia infection I didn’t know I had and it just destroyed my tubes. I struggled for a long time with having them removed and needed to try one fresh round before the surgery. It didn’t work for us so I accepted it and had both the hydros isolated from my uterus so I should have the same chances as everyone else now, that’s unless I am thrown a curve ball. We’ve two Frosties and I am desperate to get in with a transfer mid Feb!

My life, my BFF life, my Mum's life, heck even my partner (who is laid back to the point of being horizontal) has been consumed by this IVF business. Nothing is "normal" it's always there, in the background.

I obsessively googled everything when I was doing my first cycle. Now that I've finished (BFN) I'm finding this time the hardest. Just waiting for my next appointment, nothing to search for, no drugs to take and nothing to do but wait...

I am so sorry. I know that feeling of emptiness after a BFN. I had a failed cycle in August and about two weeks later I’d booked flights to go away. I had to get out and far away. The change of scenery really helped clear the funk. Do you know your plans for the next go?

Not yet unfortunately. Just waiting for a letter for the consultation appointment now.

You may also like...