I am 33 years old and have been trying to get pregnant for the past 7/8 years.
Trying and becoming unsucsessfull naturally, we decided to go through the ivf route and have been having ivf treatment for the past three and a half years. Our diagnosis by the clinic was "unknown infertility"
Our first ivf was a natural cycle of which we managed to get 4 good quality embryos. However when we did decide to transfer two back it wasnt sucsesfull.
By this time we had decided to freeze the two remaining embryos and go for a fet in the future as adviced by the clinic. So like most of you ladies are guessing my hopes of becoming a mother were slowly drifting away and i was starting to think this is actually never going to happen for us.
So came the second ivf try which was our frozen remaining embryos. When the transfer was complete i spent the first 4 days in bed thinking this would actually help them stick better :-)) ( what a waste of time that was) as the second fet failed as well.
So we were in the brinks of our final ivf and i decided to have a serious convo with the husband. Im generally a very real straight no sugar coating kind of person. I like to be realistic about what is actually possible and what is not and i decided to give my husband the option to walk away...as i clearly wasnt going to be able to give us a family and for some stupid reason believed that this was my fault because biologically my body was refusing to do what it was designed to do. I told him that i didnt want him to resent me in future because of this and his responce was "i didnt marry you for you to have children only, if it happens great, if not we just get on with it..."(great guy) its very important to have the right support from the husband.
So after a couple of years of two failed ivf's (yes the nhs does take forever) and tears and emotions and just general anger about why this had happened to me especially when im probably one of the healhiest people in the world i decided to just get myself together and go on ahead with our final try.
I have to say i never ever believed ivf would work for us and im not just saying this to be patronising... i genuinely didn't believe i even had a 5% chance of this ever working for me but was more going ahead with the treatment to put my mind at ease and save myself the future agony of "what if".
So whilst most people start off their treatment with bags of enthusiasm and so on mine was more a "ok lets just get this out of the way" approach.
So i started my third and final ivf and for some reason this time my body was just refusing to cooperate where as before everything ran pretty much on schedule this time medication had to be changed and protocols had to be changed it was a bit of a nightmare and i was starting to consider quitting alltogether.
Finally moths later we ended up with 4 embryos again and this time we decided to transfer two and get rid of the remaining two as i no longer wanted to do ivf if this cycle failed as well.
For some of you reading this i may sound very cold and heartless but thats not the case.... i did the whole crying myself to sleep... hating my self and my body for not doing what it was supposedly designed to do.... isolating myself from friends with kids.... hating women who mistreated their children....feeling depressed...feeling alone... feeling so low i didnt want to come out of bed most mornings so yes i have been through it all like most of you have.
After i had the transfer i came home sat on the couch for 2 hours and then went about my normal business i was not going to tie myself to the bed this time as mentally i was sure it wasnt going to work so why bother with the extra effort.
So now after transferring two embryos on the 7th of march i am now 9 weeks pregnant to twins.
I know that alot of women around me are expecting me to be over the moon with happiness...but what alot of people fail to get is i didnt just try for a couple of months to get pregnant and suddenly woke up one morning with a positive result. I have been through absolute hell for the past 7/8 years with zero to no hope that i was ever going to get pregnant and now here i am with a twin pregnancy.
I dont know what the future is going to bring for me and my husband with this pregnancy and whether its going to proceed for the next 7 moths but i just wanted to share my story and let women out there who have been through the same thing know that they are not alone.
i think its always important to be true to how you feel as oppose to trying to fake an emotion ... and because this has now happened to someone as pesimistic as me it could happen to alot of women out there as well who have like me maybe lost all hope.
I hope my story will be helpfull to some of you ladies and thank you for reading.