feeling so alone in this journey and need support

[78-34]

I don’t really like to share my IVF story not even in this forum because I find when I open up to explain what I have been through I can’t cope with all the pain but today I am feeling so very alone and weary and just need some support.

Went to the clinic today for my scan hoping to start our 9th attempt at IVF only to find that basically there are no follicles in my ovaries and we shouldn’t go ahead. I am 40 and have a low AMH. Today more then any other I feel it’s the end for me and that the menopause will start soon and I will never have my own baby with my own egg no matter what I do.

I really want/need to share my full IVF story in here because I want to feel less alone so I am sorry it’s so long and I am grateful for anyone who reads it.

2019- aged 36 - start trying for a baby with the man I love. Like a lot on here I thought this would just happen.

2020- aged 37 - one year later still no baby and starting to worry as my best friend gets pregnant after seeing a guy for a few months and it breaks my heart but trying not to panic

2021-aged 38 - really depressed and worried there is no pregnancy and in this time my younger sister has gotten pregnant (after meeting a guy for a few months in rehab of all places). We start going for tests but due to covid it takes months to get results back. All looks good with me but my boyfriends sperm count is only 1 million with low Mobility meaning IVF is our only chance to have a baby. I don’t know how others feel at this stage but my heart-broke! In that moment I knew I had lost all the fantasies and hopes of getting pregnant naturally and surprising everyone especially my boyfriend with the news and that making a baby was going to be a real struggle for us.

Jan-mar 2022- aged 39 - before we start IVF with the NHS clinic more tests needed delaying our treatment by a few months. However we find out we can get two rounds in the NHS and are so grateful for this. Three of my best friends all announce they are pregnant during this time one through IVF. Makes me feel so sad.

April-Aug 2022 -aged 39 - AMH results reveal to my shock that I have a low AMH of just 0.4 and maximum doses will be needed. Have my smear only to find another shock I have HPV and pre cancerous cells! which need to be removed before can even begin IVF. Due to NHS wait times and the healing involved I have to wait 4 more months

Aug 2022- aged 39 - finally ready to begin IVF however my AMH test is redone and it shows it has dropped to 0.3 my doctor tells me that the chance of IVF working are slim-none now. I start having panic attacks and even think about ending my life as I think I will never have a baby

sept 2022-aged 39 - I calm down when period comes as I still want to go ahead of course I do and to everyone’s surprise three really good looking follicles grow and I go into the hospital for egg collection. While I am lying there waiting to start the collection the doctor scans me and finds I have OVULATED all three eggs! I do not have the words to explain the utter devastation I felt at this moment 💔

Oct 2022-aged 39 - after being forced to wait a month we try another round of IVF but only two follicles and both don’t grow so cycle cancelled

Nov 2022-aged 39 - finally! Two good follicles grow and I take double the anti ovulation doses and two eggs are collected! Only one fertilisers but I am so happy after everything to have one embryo! This is then transferred on day three and after my first 2WW my period comes a day before the test date meaning it’s all over.💔 BFN

Dec- feb 2023- aged 40 - we still have one more round and despite our doctor saying we shouldn’t bother I insist I want to try again. However for some reason (maybe I am already in perimenopause) my period does not appear for Jan or feb!

Mar 2023 - aged 40 - period comes we start cycle one good follicle grows we go for egg collection and I OVULATED again!!!! 💔 explain no point for us trying naturally like last time as my boyfriend at this point only has 0.5 sperm count with low mobility. So reluctantly. They do an IUI with his sperm. IUI of course doesn’t work 💔

Apr 2023 - aged 40 - try again another cancelled cycle

May 2023 - aged 40 - finally make it to egg collection and one egg collected and it fertilisers have another day 3 transfer. My period comes two days before the test day 💔 BFN

Jun 2023 - aged 40 - we decide we want to try again and will pay privately at the same NHS clinic next cycle cancelled again as no follicles grew

Jul 2023 - aged 40 - one follicle grew too big and was told high risk of ovulating with my history so told to try naturally!!! With a boyfriend whose sperm is 0.5.

Aug 2023 - aged 40 - of course trying naturally didn’t work for us and now my ovaries don’t have any follicles as said above!

For anyone still reading thank you for allowing me to get this off my chest 😊I really needed it today. I don’t know what we do next now as it’s not looking good and we don’t know if we should try another clinic with my own eggs or stick to the same one?????? Any advice would be much appreciated

I wish love and baby dust to you all out there and if anyone has had something similar in my story happen to them please reach out. I would love to be able to talk and hopefully we can support each other X

[Elmo13]

Hi there,

I couldn’t read this and move on without replying. I’m so sorry to have read what you’ve been through and what’s been happening. This journey can be absolutely gut wrenching and just plain rubbish. And unless you’ve been through it, people just don’t get it.

I say this having had 4 cycles myself- in which all 4 embryos from the last cycle turned out genetically abnormal, and I’ve had a previous MMC and a spontaneous miscarriage.

What I will say, is maybe it would be worthwhile getting an opinion at another clinic? We changed to a clinic abroad after my last miscarriage as I feel they are better with older ladies (I’m 42), and although I’ve still not yet had the outcome I wanted, I have hope that I’m moving in the right direction.

Sending love.

xx

[78-34 in reply to Elmo13]

Thank you much for your kind reply! It definitely helps to know I am not alone with all this pain. I am so sorry to hear about your experiences and the pain you must feel. My fingers are crossed for your next cycle 🤞

[IVFat40]

Hun I just wanted to say I'm incredibly sorry for all you've been through, infertility and IVF are brutal, I did IVF for 2 years and it had a huge impact on my mental health and wellbeing, I can't imagine how these kinds of experiences couldn't leave you in pain. And I also found it incredibly lonely. Whatever path you end up taking I truly hope you're able to be a mum.

[78-34 in reply to IVFat40]

It really is a horrible and brutal journey. I really hope the journey ends in me becoming a mum too 🤞

[Titawine]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this difficult time, ivf ruined my mental health and at this point all I want is to stay healthy. I wish you all the best, and that you get the outcome you wish for.

[78-34 in reply to Titawine]

Thank you for your reply. You’re so right about it being important to stay healthy. I feel I have sacrificed my mental health in this journey so that I can keep going and forget about the pain but it catches up in the end

[Asha82]

I'm so sorry you are going through this nightmare, my heart breaks reading this and in fact gave me teary eyes, I don't have any advice sorry as I'm in a different situation, I wish you all the best xx

[78-34 in reply to Asha82]

I am sorry it made you teary I didn’t want to upset anyone. Thank you for the supportive works they mean a lot right now x

[Asha82 in reply to 78-34]

No you don't have to apologise, I really wish you all the best x

[paintthesky]

Sending you strength and hugs. What a difficult time you’re having. Please take care of yourself and look into counselling or support (if you haven’t done so already), the trauma of fertility treatment is real and scary. 🩷

[78-34 in reply to paintthesky]

Thanks for the strength and hugs I really need them! You’re right it is traumatic infertility and people don’t often understand that. I have had some counselling and sometimes find it helpful sometimes don’t. You definitely properly need some more but as I am sure for a lot of women in here I need all the money for the next treatment so can’t really afford to keep paying for counselling sessions. It’s all so hard

[Hopecontinues]

Hi,I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through. Covid was a rubbish time for a lot of us trying and was so lonely, especially in the darkest moments when things didn't go well. But, you are not alone, you have all of us in this forum, we're here for you and will pick you up when you're down. We know what it's like when family/friends fall pregnant and we know what disappointment feels like when a cycle doesn't work. Keep sharing, you'll feel so much better.

You're probably wondering where to go from here. I would change clinic and I'd get some opinions from different clinics who specialise in low AMH/follicle count and low sperm count. You can ask on here for people to recommend/DM you recommendations. You will probably get more help from clinics abroad, it'll be cheaper and you can often get an opinion without having to pay for a consultation.

If you haven't read the book, it starts with an egg, that would recommend DHEA to boost follicle count and all the things you should be eating, plus vitamins. Worth doing.

I wish you all the luck and hope your time is soon.

X

[78-34 in reply to Hopecontinues]

Thank you so much for the advice. I think changing clinic seems like a good idea as I am beginning to feel like they have messed up a bit with me especially with the last cycle where if they monitored properly the follicle might not have grown so much risking an ovulation at egg collection.

I will ask for advice on clinics. If you can recommend me any please DM me.

I have read it starts with the egg and tried everything on there. Also been taking DHEA for over a year now. I have tried everything going lol! In fact it’s all starting to get to much for me as have been so strict with everything that it is making me depressed and I just don’t enjoy life anymore. When I do break the diet I feel so guilty for days like I have ruined everything for me. It’s tough and I am losing hope so breaking the drinking and eating “rules” more and more. Any encouragement to keep going much appreciated. Maybe I should read it starts with the egg again to get re-motivated x

[butterfliez]

HI it is good you have now been able to share your story with us here, to write everything down putting it all out there in black and white can rake up all the emotions, you have been very brave.

you have been through so much over the years , ivf is such a draining process, it can take everything from you. I hope that getting everything off your chest helps to feel less alone and know there are many of us who are also struggling like yourself, it can feel so isolating in our personal lives not being able to feel heard when others cannot relate, this forum has helped me throughout my journey, a place to share and for ladies to help each other.

I know you have so much to think about with the road ahead I wish you well take care xx

[78-34 in reply to butterfliez]

Thank you for the lovely words. It did happy to get it off my chest as I had been bottling it up for a long time. Glad there is a forum here to get things off my chest and will be using it more in the future

[LVR94]

so sorry this is happening to you. I can only imagine the pain and frustration you feel . Sending you love and peace.

[Midsummer_daydream]

I am so sorry your journey is long. When I first started IVF I felt very difficult but later on it became so common to the point most of our closest friends this way or another ended up having a child through IVF. It isn't something people are proud of but it is the journey to each and their own, like getting the first job when you graduated... some people just had it landed on their laps, other worked really hard for so many years but all eventually got there.

One of my best friends finally got pregnant through IVF at the age of 43, also like you started around 37 and found out later AMH was low and she was thinking for donor eggs after a few failed rounds but she managed to use her own eggs the last time and it was a success. Less than 2 years later she continued with her last embryo, again it was a success, now she has 2 boys. It involved changing the clinics and testing embryos along the way. Don't lose hope, this way or another you will find a choice that suits you.

My journey is a little shorter, I got pregnant in my 3rd round and am expecting a baby soon. Through ups and downs I also got there, with a lot of researches and advises I saw from here and of course courage! I wish you find the right choice soon xx

[Ggg555 in reply to Midsummer_daydream]

I just wanted to say that I really think that people who go throughIVF should be proud of themselves. To go through heartbreaks, letdowns and so many up and downs to get a baby. Something that some people get without any effort. It really is something to be proud of. I understand sometimes it’s not easy to talk about as you want to keep things private to protect yourself and family but I personally never feel ashamed that this is the journey I’m on and just wanted to put this out there for anyone who feels like they are not proud of having to go through this 💗

[78-34 in reply to Midsummer_daydream]

Such positive stories! Thank you for sharing those. I feel I have given up hope for my eggs so it is nice to hear of success stories against all odds. Gives me courage xx

Congratulations on your baby. ❤️ you must be so happy.

Hope you don’t mind me asking but did you do anything different with the 3rd round that helped? You mentioned lots of research and advice so just wondering x

[Jumpppy]

Funny not funny post around "trying naturally." The NHS folks can be really daft. My husband was told "too few to count, but movement." The nurses said "it only takes 1 sperm" - the doctors encouraged us to continue tracking ovulation and trying naturally. This led my husband to believe he could have "super sperm." I was the one forced to break it to him that IVF or nothing - his sperm just won't work naturally. It was a very hard set of conversations and "reproduction lessons" that I wish the NHS folks had done instead of leaving it to me.

Anyhow your post made me laugh at the absurdity of what you experienced. Very sorry for where you find yourself. If you keep trying I would definitely move clinics as you need a "hail Mary" and a totally different perspective

Otherwise maybe look into epigenetics and consider donor eggs?

Lots of hugs and prayers for your success!

[78-34 in reply to Jumpppy]

You know it is funny the absurdity of it all! Like a dark comedy or something. 🤣 From being told it won’t happen naturally to then being told after I ovulated to try naturally as it may work and they said the same to us as you “it just takes one sperm” unfortunately my partners sperm can’t even move so how the hell they thought one sperm might make it?!

What I didn’t say in the first post is that throughout this process they have kept hammering me with the fact that my AMH is too low and my age to high. the NHS doctor said it was silm to none of working, the NHS nurse even said to my face “motherhood is not for everyone” this despite the fact I was 39 and had two rounds NHS approved for funding. Then the last attempt when the doctor said don’t go for egg collection as the follicle to big and I risk ovulating she said to me try naturally “you can get pregnant very easily as your still only 40 and have good tubes and womb. There is not a reason you can’t get pregnant.” To say my head was spinning at this is an understatement. Everyday since my AMH result I have felt like an old barren woman unable to give her partner or family a longed for child so to hear this was just to much. Nevermind how it made my partner feel.

Anyways I am rambling about my own experiences again sorry haha

I think you’re right about a different clinic and if you have any recommendations please DM them as I am at a loss.

I wish you luck with your journey and it’s reassuring to know that others experiences things like this from the NHS as well xxx

[Ggg555]

I am so sorry you going through this. I really wish I could give you good advice, it’s such a hard journey and you have been through so much. I hope you find peace and happiness in this situation xx 💗

[Doodlebug23]

Hi,

Until I started my second journey last November I didn’t appreciate how much can go wrong before you even get to transfer. My NHS round at 42 was fairly standard. Drugs, egg collection, transfer. Although it was unsuccessful.

This time (I’m using a clinic in Spain on a refund guarantee programme with donor eggs - and sperm as i’m doing this alone now), i’ve experienced similar to you with irregular cycles and spontaneous ovulation.

It just makes everything so much more drawn out and stressful doesn’t it?

Have you considered using a clinic abroad and/or donor eggs?

I understand the wanting a genetically yours baby, however donor eggs may remove part of the complexity and stress? I’m finding it hard with just getting to transfer and getting a BFN. The stress of getting to egg retrieval first must add so much more to that 😓

The clinic I am using in Spain are brilliant, and I’ve been told they have patients referred to them from the UK. I can pm who it is if you want?

For me donor eggs wasn’t too hard a decision, as due to my age, to get on the refund programme I didn’t have a choice. You are younger than me though and a programme with own eggs or first try own eggs turn donor I think is available.

I get 3 fresh cycles. And with each one, sky embryos are frozen and transferred before the next fresh cycle.

I have just been through one complete cycle where I had 3 embryos. One transferred fresh, and 2 frozen subsequently. All unsuccessful so now moving onto a new donor and second fresh cycle.

I have found that the reassurance that I have hopefully at least another minimum 6 chances (depending on how many embryos I get) has taken away some of the stress and worry. It’s hard paying for all the drugs and scans, plus going abroad for transfer, but at least the rounds are paid for, and god forbid it doesn’t work, I get my money back.

My clinic was the first to offer a refund guarantee which makes me think they must think they can get me a baby! 🙏🏼

Sorry if I’m rambled about my journey, but hopefully makes you feel like others understand how hard and stressful it is.

Feel free to pm me any questions, or just to chat. BABY DUST ✨

[78-34 in reply to Doodlebug23]

You weren’t rambling about your own experiences I found it all really interesting and will definitely DM to find about more as I have never heard of this option.

Donor eggs is definitely something that we have talked about and thought about for awhile now. I am still not sure how I feel about it. It is something that I need more time to process and think about. Therefore the more information I get the better.

I really admire the journey you are on to become a mother. I think it aspirational that you’re doing it on your own like this and I wish so much baby dust and luck for your next round.

[Doodlebug23 in reply to 78-34]

Google egg donation friends. Lots of advice and recommendations on there. There’s videos from people who have used donors too which really helped me accept my decision. It’s not my choice to do it alone but it’s how it’s ended up so I’m going for what I want. Maybe helps I’m stubborn!

[Sweethear]

I am so sorry for all you and your boyfriend has been through please change your clinic sending you lots of love and hugs

[LouCollier]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. This journey can be so hard and lonely.

I had 3 miscarraiges and 2 failed own egg transfers. we paid for testing with Tommys and found out I had high NK cells but by the time we had this answer my AMH had dropped too low so we decided to go with donor egg.... due to the journey I had already started to come to terms with this anyway before anyone else suggested it.

I have no regrets as we were sucessful with the first transfer.

If you do decided to go down the donor route my inbox is always open if you want to chat xx

[78-34 in reply to LouCollier]

I am so sorry to hear of your experiences and over the moon you have you blessed baby now ❤️

Hope you don’t mind me asking as how did you go about testing for NK cells? This is something I have been thinking about doing as I just want all the checks done so everything is ruled out.

Donor eggs is something that I need to process and any advice you can give will be appreciated so I will DM. Thanks for the offer x

[LouCollier in reply to 78-34]

I contacted Warwick hospital directly (they are part of Tommys trust) and self refered (and paid) for a biopsy test. I think I still have their email address if you would like it xx

[78-34 in reply to LouCollier]

Yes please do send it. Thanks x

[Blessed5510]

hi 78-34! I just wanted to say I am so sorry you have to go through this. IVF is so cruel! I went through 3 failed (1 miscarriage) with my own eggs and when was told I had to use DE, I just didn’t want to go that route. We unfortunately been trying for 22 years to have a child. As long as the desire is there to be parents we haven’t gave up. We have both male and female issues. We finally decided to go with DE but then found out I could not carry due to fibroids. Only route was DE and surrogate! We found a surrogate and use the 1 normal embryo we had and got our 1st BFP, unfortunately miscarried at 6 weeks. We will be trying again real soon.

I just wanted to say. Don’t give up. If you have to use DE, always believe and know that that baby will be yours! You will be the only mummy he/she knows. They will love you and you WILL love them! Hang in there. You are definitely a warrior! Hang in there!

[78-34]

Oh your message brought tears to my eyes. What a journey you are on aswell! I am so sorry for all your loses and the pain you must of felt. It’s all so cruel!

I find it so inspiring how you keep going and take on every challenge. You truly are so courageous and strong. You have given me courage to keep going thank you for that. X

I wish you so much luck for your next round you deserve a happy ending xxx

[Blessed5510]

thank you! It took years to get here! I pray you don’t have to go through that. My husband is so supportive. We support one another through our this trial. We are looking forward to a happy ending. It will be!