Struggling: Sorry ladies this is a... - Fertility Network UK

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Kitcat12 profile image

Sorry ladies this is a pointless post really. I'm really not coping well at all with the loss of this pregnancy. I just feel pointless. Still waiting for my follow up appointment and counselling appointment to come through from the clinic. Don't know what to do with myself, all I've done is cry. Feel like I can't go out and about as I'm off work and if anybody sees me they'll think I'm taking the piss. Sorry for the pointless post.

46 Replies

Hi, I’m so sorry for your loss. Its heartbreaking and so unfair. I lost a 9 week twin pregnancy in November following our first round of ICSI and I too felt completely hopeless. We are in a much better place than we were a few weeks ago, time does make it easier and I found as my hormone levels lifted I felt 100 times better. I still have good days and bad days and spent a whole evening crying just 2 days ago. Counselling sounds like a good idea, we chose to wait a while for our follow up so we didn’t have pressure to continue/too long to wait after it and had it just this week. I had 6 weeks off work including 2 weeks before due to sickness and you can go out, it’s importnant to still see friends and have some normality xx

Kitcat12 profile image
Kitcat12 in reply to

Thank you. I'm so sorry you also experienced this, it is horrific. I'm really hoping the follow up gives us some closure and some answers about how we proceed. I also feel guilty about just wanting to try again. I won't ever forget this bean and I don't want to replace it, but the thought of not doing anything makes me feel even worse! x

Saya85 profile image
Saya85 in reply to Kitcat12

Hi Kitcat

I'm so sorry for your loss... Sometimes grief hits you in waves - don't let it upset you that you are still grieving

And don't let others make you feel guilty for trying to pick yourself up.

It's definitely important to get support from family and friends and get out and about. Sitting at home alone all day probably wouldn't. As long as your boss knows why you're off it doesn't matter who else sees you.

I don't think we ever replace our little beans - just as families don't replace their first born child with their second. Eahc is cherished and each is given its time .... They're in a safe place even if they aren't with us.

I've still got all my scan pics and it chokes me up sometimes to see them but it's a nice reminder that they were here! Even though the world doesn't know about it .... I do.

Some ladies have bought something to serve as a reminder /gift/token to remember them by. A little tribute if you will... That may help in time.

I hope you can find someone close to you to confide in and lean on x

I'm so sorry to hear this, honey. God love you poor thing you must be having tough times..I've experienced this pain too. it definitely leaves a huge scar. but i truly believe time will heal your wounds, so that you could get even more stronger, emotionally and physically, and continue your path. I'm hoping your dr will invent the best further treatment plan for you. Right now be kind to yourself. take good care of yourself. and remember every step made is a step closer to your dream. Praying for peace in your heart and wihing you all the best on the road ahead. Hugs xx

Kitcat12 profile image
Kitcat12 in reply to andylins

Thank you so much. I really hope that the follow up appointment helps bring some closure. I'm so sorry for your loss x

Do work know or do you plan to tell them? Screw what anyone else thinks. You only have to answer to your boss/HR anyway. If you feel getting out of the house is going to do you some good then do it. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know the pain all too well having been there three times previously. Don’t feel guilty for wanting to try again, everyone needs a back up plan in place to give them focus. You’ll never forget your little one and you’ll always love him/her xx

Kitcat12 profile image
Kitcat12 in reply to Tugsgirl

My boss knows and is very supportive. I'm a primary school teacher so I tend to see parents of the children I teach out and about and I know I shouldn't care but I just couldn't deal with seeing people and being asked what's going on and why I'm off school (they are nosy and definitely would ask!) I'm so sorry to hear you have been through this three times, once is enough for a lifetime! And thanks for helping me feel that I will come through this in the end x

Tugsgirl profile image
Tugsgirl in reply to Kitcat12

You definitely will. It’s just going to take some time. I hope the counselling helps, it sounds like a good idea xx

Could you go further afield? I’m also a primary teacher and find that if I go to another town I don’t tend to see the families.

Oh kitcat, I’m so sorry for your profound loss and sadness. Try to be understanding and patient with your heart. It will take time to recover from this trauma. There’s no right way to grieve or “acceptable” amount of time to feel the pain of this loss.

Please know that we’re here for you and reach out whenever you need us. My heart goes out to you and you family. 🤗 xx

Kitcat12 profile image
Kitcat12 in reply to Foodie23

Thank you so much. I'm so grateful to everyone here for supporting me x

It’s not a pointless post at all. It’s important that you reach out for support. I can only imagine what you’re feeling and I know I’d be the same. You said before that you’d told some family members- are you getting support from them?

There is no rule book about how you should act/feel so I say just go with it. You’re entitled to feel absolutely devastated so don’t hold back as it’ll catch up with you in the end.

I’m glad you’ll get counselling but it must be hard waiting for it. Do you have any idea how long you’ll have to wait?

Sending you so much love and warm wishes xx

I've actually had my appointments through today. Follow up at the clinic is 8th Jan, which is ok, as it's not too long to wait. However, councelling isn't until 24th Jan and I really feel like I need it now rather than in 5 weeks time. I'm not really close to my family, they are doing their best to offer support but it's a bit awkward to be honest. I'm really relying on my boyfriend but that's unfair because he is going through it as well and he needs his own space to deal with it as well without having to carry me through it. Such a rollercoaster of emotions x

Oh kitkat, I’m with you. Going through a loss too now and I’m not coping well either. No advice really - I’m just trying to keep positive. Thoughts and love sent your way xxx

Kitcat12 profile image
Kitcat12 in reply to Steadman80

I'm so sorry for your loss. I was really good at staying positive yesterday, had an ok day, very few tears. Today I've passed the sack with bean inside and now it really feels real and the grief is immense. I can feel the empty space where it should be. Thank you for your thoughts, mine are with you through your loss as well x

Steadman80 profile image
Steadman80 in reply to Kitcat12

It’s heart breaking and such a crap time of year to go through things. PM me anytime xxx

Kitcat12 profile image
Kitcat12 in reply to Steadman80

Thank you, Christmas will always be a little bit difficult. Same goes to you, here if you need a chat x

Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you hon. I'm so sorry you're going through this xxx

Thanks lovely, so kind of you, hope you're feeling well xx

I'm doing fine, thanks hon <3

Do whatever you feel is best for you - go out or stay in. Keep busy or take some time out. You really need to focus on looking after yourself right now, physically and emotionally, so do what feels right for you. Sending you big hugs xxx

I feel like the emotions hits you in waves your ok one min then crying probably the hormones dropping aswel. We’re just lying in bed chilling I’m wondering when this ones going to start mc my last 2 were after 12w I don’t want it to be over xmas it’ll super spoil it for everyone. You can go out when your on the sick it’s nobody’s business. My first mc hit me so hard I cried for 6 mths, take your time to heal x

Kitcat12 profile image
Kitcat12 in reply to gcw104

That's exactly it. It comes in waves. It does seem extra crap that it's supposed to be a really happy time of year and we had so many lovely plans. I'm so sorry you're going through this again, one time is enough for a lifetime x

I know hopefully you can still enjoy Christmas, I was a lot more emotional yesterday as I had some spotting but today I feel at least I know.

Kitcat12 profile image
Kitcat12 in reply to gcw104

We're going to try and enjoy it, I really hope you can try to do the same. I'll be thinking of you x

Thank you I’m hitting the gin tonight to numb the pain x

Kitcat12 profile image
Kitcat12 in reply to gcw104

Not going to lie, I've drank every night since we got the news. I know it's not exactly helpful but it helps me get some sleep.

I’m not a big drinker usually especially ttc I cut down but a few will be nice and I’m going indulge in pate and Brie over Xmas too now

Kitcat12 profile image
Kitcat12 in reply to gcw104

Got to find the positives to get us through x

You do or you can start to fall into a dark hole

Do you have any friends and family who can come to you? It sounds ridiculous but my mum coming round and playing scrabble with me got me through one of my worst days.

I have the annual Xmas celebration with my two best friends tomorrow. I think it's going to be a good distraction.

That’s good.

I found telling people to be the best medicine for me during miscarriages. Company was what I needed, it was too difficult being with my own thoughts. I also found it helpful to read rather than watching tv as it used up more of my brain- kids fantasy books were helpful because nothing too bad happens in them and it’s proper escapism. I know it’s horses for courses but that helped me.

I honestly can't focus on anything. I've just been watching Netflix but it seems like everything I try to watch is about babies or pregnancy. Maybe I'll crack out my Harry Potter books and get lost in those for a few days x

Definitely a good idea. You could also try the Earthsea Quartet by Ursula LeGuin if a bit of magic is what you need, or the Chrestomanci stories by Diana Wynne Jones. Just good for escaping the here and now.

Thank you x

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been thinking of you and I'm glad you've reached out here. Sending you love and hugs xxx

Kitcat12 profile image
Kitcat12 in reply to Kcrochet

Thank you! Hope you're feeling well xx

Kcrochet profile image
Kcrochet in reply to Kitcat12

I'm doing ok thanks 😘 One thing I meant to say - have you considered finding counselling privately rather than waiting for your clinics appointment? The BACP and UKCP are the two main registries of counsellors and psychotherapists and you can filter by location and speciality. Just wanted to mention in case that's of use xx

Kitcat12 profile image
Kitcat12 in reply to Kcrochet

Thank you lovely, will keep that in mind x

I'm sorry for your loss. Crying is good get all those feelings out, they are better out than in. It will take time to heal, counselling is definitely a good idea. Writing things down also helps get your feelings out. Big hugs xx

Absolutely devastated for you, I really hope you get a counselling appointment soon and can start sharing your grief. Like the others say sod who you might bump into, do what you feel you need to do, at the moment you are the most important person so do whats right for you and dont care one iota what people think.

I find when my head is busy with sad or difficult thoughts audio books work wonders, I get really lost in them and listening often stops my washing machine head.. there is something soothing about being read to as well - not sure if it goes back to childhood.

Huge hugs - it will get easier but I guess everyone tells you that. Just dont bottle it up because I did and tried to carry on as normal and went progressively more bonkers xx

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I'm a primary teacher to so I know how you feel when it comes to meeting parents but you should still try and get out and about. Fresh air and a change of scenery can help, even if it's just for a little while.

I’m so sorry for your loss.. There are no words to make it better but time does heal.. Take good care of one and other.. Sending lots of love xxx

I'm sorry to hear ur going thru this,it's so hard and so unfair. Thinking of u 😢

Hi Kitcat, you don't need to apologise as it's not a pointless post and it's complete normal to feel the way you are. I had a MMC end of Aug and I cried every day for a few weeks and then the crying got less as time went by, I still have days where I cry and feel angry. My way of dealing with it was to book in my next FET (last Fri), I was trying to replace the baby I had lost but I needed to have some hope and regain some control of the process and it did help, I also took up counselling which is helping and also mindfulness. There are no right or wrong ways to deal with what you are going through, allow yourself time to grieve and do whats best for you, it does get easier,take one day at a time xx

Apologies for typo,it should say wasn't not was!!

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