Struggling.............

[lorraineb61]

Hi all,

Really struggling this week with everything, not really helping that OH is working away this week probably.

1st ICSI cycle - 3 eggs collected, all fertilised & made it to day 5. 2 implanted, 1 not good enough to freeze - BFN

2nd ICI cycle - 1 egg collected, fertilised but didn't make it through the night.

I know that every cycle can be different but I expected it to be a better result in cycle 2 - not worse. I made changes between the 2 cycles with diet, spent a fortune on accupuncture & got nothing to show for it. I feel like an absolute failure so for the last week I've just eaten & eaten whatever I wanted so now my clothes are struggling to fit again!! Guess what? That just makes me feel like more of a failure!!

I have decided today that I need to find some way of dealing with this otherwise I'm going to go into cycle 3 with a very negative attitude which I don't think helps. I made an appointment with the counsellor at the clinic today for next Thursday so hopefully, she will be able to help & give me ways of coping with this.

I have enjoyed seeing everyone's positive news this week & it does make it feel as if my dream is achievable one day & then I think about myself & I burst into tears!!

Many thanks for listening/reading - any coping mechanisms would be greatly appreciated xx

[London7]

I'm sorry to hear what a crappy time you are having. Seeing a counsellor sounds like a really good idea - going through all this on your own is so hard and requires superhuman strength that no one really has! The best advice I have been given when I'm really struggling and beating myself up is to listen to what you are saying to yourself in your own head - if someone spoke to one of your friends like that what would you say? In other words, try to be your own friend. Instead of telling yourself you shouldn't have eaten whatever you wanted think about the advice you would give a friend and tell yourself that. It is probably something along the lines of: you need to treat yourself sometimes and you can't be perfect all the time. Sometimes it is more important to look after your mental health and not to worry about your diet. And tell yourself that! And as for dealing with other people's good news - remind yourself you don't want their babies, you want your own! But hopefully soon you'll have good news to share on that front too. Xx

[lorraineb61 in reply to London7]

Thank you for your kind words. I gave similar advice to someone a few weeks ago actually so really funny how you forget so quickly!! I'm feeling slightly better now, we received our post treatment letter yesterday from the clinic - didn't really tell us anything!! X

[E_05]

Sorry your having such a rough week, it's such a emotional journey we ride. I think speaking to a counsellor is a good idea - I was in a similar position after my 3rd cycle and sure I wouldn't put myself through it again but spoke to the counsellor and got in a better head space. Sometimes all you need is to air how your feeling, always here if you need a chat. Also I think sometimes we need to be kind to ourselves and if that means eating a few nice things then do, don't feel bad about it x

[lorraineb61 in reply to E_05]

Thank you - it's starting to cause some tension between and DH so speaking to someone independent is probably quite a good thing for me now x

[Amanda86]

Hey Lorraine,

First of all your not a failure! Please don't think that! Unfortunately with IVF it's just so unpredictable in what the outcome might be, but it definitely does not make you a failure.

Its great you've made an appointment with a counsellor, I think that's a really good idea.

For me, I've found that time is a great healer. You'll have good and bad days but however you feel each day just allow yourself to feel it and remember that how your feeling is completely normal! This journey is so hard; emotionally, physically and mentally. It takes so much out of us. Your so strong and please don't forget that!

Don't be too hard on yourself about eating whatever you want just now, often we do eat badly when we're feeling low. I do the exact same.

We're all here to support you whatever you need 😘 Xxx

[lorraineb61 in reply to Amanda86]

Thank you x the junk food diet stopped yesterday - need to get back on track for holiday if nothing else! Yes, you're right we all have good and bad days, it's just becomes so hard to see the good when you're having a bad day! X

[Rainbow_86]

Hi... I just wanted to say that your not a failure at all... I sorry to hear your struggling.

I remember going through egg collection at similar time to you and was so devastated when you posted about not making it to transfer. But you know what I remember even more? Despite that you were still there wishing everyone the best of luck and congratulating them on thier success. You are a lovely person. Not a failure. And as you say each cycle can go so differently.... you doctor will work on the information from this cycle to make future decisions to improve your success.....

I'm always here if you need a chat. It's such a rollercoaster.... try and enjoy life before your next cycle and i definatley think counselling is a good idea.

Take care xxx

[lorraineb61 in reply to Rainbow_86]

Thank you xx such nice words xx we got our post treatment letter in yesterday from the clinic - didn't really tell us anything so we will go on holiday in a couple of weeks and then face the reality when we get back xx

[Rainbow_86 in reply to lorraineb61]

I hope you enjoy your holiday..... and try to forget about all this IVF till you come back.... then come back fighting! Take care x

[Loopielu]

Just sending a hug. I did the same re just eating and doing what I wanted after our BFN... felt like a good release of all the pent up emotions I was trying to process. Then after a bit I just got back to it with a more positive outlook but the tight clothes part does suck!! Seeing a therapist really helped me with fertility and self esteem in general so think that's a fab idea. Be kind to yourself - none of this is your fault and you're doing the very best you can so be proud! xx

[lorraineb61 in reply to Loopielu]

Thank you! The whole thing just sucks - what is not helping either is that we are trying to do our house up too at the same time so it's a complete bombsite just now. Hopefully speaking to someone not related to this will help on Thursday x

[beauty1984]

I'm sorry you're going through so much at the moment, this journey is never an easy one. Try not to be too hard on yourself, everyone copes in different ways just take the time you need to process everything, whether that's days, weeks or even months and then find the strength to carry on, don't give up chasing your dream of becoming a mother I do believe it will happen for all you lovely ladies.

Maybe go back to the basics and do something you enjoy, for example I love to walk and be out in the fresh air, I find it helps to clear my head and being out in the sunshine surrounded by lovely scenery lifts my mood. Do you have any hobbies you like? Or maybe getting lost in a good book etc. Find something that relaxes you and clears your head. Xx

[lorraineb61 in reply to beauty1984]

Thank you. I need to focus on being me just now - and forget that I'm the one that can't have babies yet! We go on holiday in 2 weeks so hopefully that will take our minds off our issues x