Sooo... I'm now 19wks pregnant and never in my wildest dreams thought I would be here after 5yrs ttc! I know how lucky I am, just from reading the posts from all you lovely ladies who are still striving away to be in my fortunate position.
My problems now come from not being able to get over the last 5yrs and the pain we went through to get here. I can't even say the words "we had ivf" to anyone without crying like a crazy and I still get upset/mad with people who "had it easy"....
Its all now come to a head as my youngest sister told me last night, she's pregnant and is due 4wks after me. She's 23, I'm 36. She guessed I would be upset so hasn't told me until now...even though the rest of the family knew. I don't know why but I feel so betrayed!! She tried to justify it by telling me she'd already had an abortion, so when she fell this time, she couldn't go through it again! Nope...Doesn't make me feel better! I know it's not her fault but I feel like she's stolen my thunder....especially as she's the youngest. I've really struggled to be happy since my bfp, coping with anxiety and the side effects of just being pregnant + getting over the emotional torment that is the ivf journey...but I was just starting to come out of my shell this past week....sharing my joy with my family!
Now I'm back at square 1...fearful that something will go wrong and her baby will be a constant reminder of what we could have had. I live 120 miles away from my family...she lives round the corner so obviously they will have closer ties to her baby as they'll see it everyday. I fought so hard not to be the family pariah for being childless and now I'm here, I'm still an outcast!! It just feels like I'm stuck in a nightmare.
I know there are positives to this but I just can't feel then right now...I feel heart broken and I don't really know why.
Sorry for the long post....I just had to get it out and to say that the cloud of infertility never does really go away. We just have to learn to live with it! xxx
Ps:- I feel like such a b*tch for even thinking this way....why can't I just be happy for us both?!