Why won't this infertility brain just go away?!

Hi everyone,

Sooo... I'm now 19wks pregnant and never in my wildest dreams thought I would be here after 5yrs ttc! I know how lucky I am, just from reading the posts from all you lovely ladies who are still striving away to be in my fortunate position.

My problems now come from not being able to get over the last 5yrs and the pain we went through to get here. I can't even say the words "we had ivf" to anyone without crying like a crazy and I still get upset/mad with people who "had it easy"....

Its all now come to a head as my youngest sister told me last night, she's pregnant and is due 4wks after me. She's 23, I'm 36. She guessed I would be upset so hasn't told me until now...even though the rest of the family knew. I don't know why but I feel so betrayed!! She tried to justify it by telling me she'd already had an abortion, so when she fell this time, she couldn't go through it again! Nope...Doesn't make me feel better! I know it's not her fault but I feel like she's stolen my thunder....especially as she's the youngest. I've really struggled to be happy since my bfp, coping with anxiety and the side effects of just being pregnant + getting over the emotional torment that is the ivf journey...but I was just starting to come out of my shell this past week....sharing my joy with my family!

Now I'm back at square 1...fearful that something will go wrong and her baby will be a constant reminder of what we could have had. I live 120 miles away from my family...she lives round the corner so obviously they will have closer ties to her baby as they'll see it everyday. I fought so hard not to be the family pariah for being childless and now I'm here, I'm still an outcast!! It just feels like I'm stuck in a nightmare.

I know there are positives to this but I just can't feel then right now...I feel heart broken and I don't really know why.

Sorry for the long post....I just had to get it out and to say that the cloud of infertility never does really go away. We just have to learn to live with it! xxx

Ps:- I feel like such a b*tch for even thinking this way....why can't I just be happy for us both?!

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18 Replies

  • Aww its such a tough journey and it doesn't all magically turn 'normal' after a BFP there is still a lot of worry and pressure and hormones can magnify this. Try speaking to your midwife about your worries and concerns mine has been very supportive they can put you in touch with other professionals or give you strategies to help you cope xxx

  • Thanks Button. I've been considering calling her as I'm not due to see her for a few weeks but feel like I'm not coping very well with all my emotions recently. I cried when I last saw her and I know she made some notes! I rarely cried before my bfp...even when I got a bfn...but since being pregnant it's all I ever do xxx

  • I always cry at midwife appointments I think its because they are so kind, caring and reassuring plus every appointment is another hurdle passed. Mine understands the stress etc that goes with infertility and the difficult journey we have had to get to this point and I always feel a million times better after seeing her. Defo book in and tell her how you feel. Also try using the relaxation apps, I find having a warm bubbly bath a couple of times a week a nice way to just take 30 mins out and relax etc. I have also booked on some antenatal classes next month on the hope to meet some mum friends who I can share the experience with. I am always here if you want to chat xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • So sorry your feeling this way Oakey, it's such a hard journey and I can definitely imagine that it would be such a difficult journey after all the struggles we have just to get that positive result. I can't imagine ever enjoying pregnancy and I think it's so sad for us ladies that we will often feel that way.

    Please don't feel like a b*tch, your not!!! 😘 Xxx

  • Thank Amanda. It is so hard because people expect u to be over the moon when you've waited so long. It took me 13wks to properly acknowledge the pregnancy and even then, all I could see were negatives! I feel like my brains been taken over with negativity xxx

  • This really is an emotionally tough journey that unfortunately doesn't seem to get any easier even after a BFP, I feel ungrateful for feeling so anxious something will go wrong even after our scan Monday but I think everything we go through it's only natural. I think Button's advice about seeing your midwife would be good, don't ever feel bad for how your feeling though xx

  • Aw Hun, I’m really not surprised how your feeling and I don’t think anyone else on here would either. If your midwife isn’t able to provide support perhaps try your clinic back and see if you can still access the counselling there, I know you will be discharged from there but I think it’s wrong they cut everyone loose so quickly after there BFP especially knowing how tough and emotional this journey is. I hope you feel better soon, no doubt hormones will not be helping you ❤️ x x

  • I can really relate to this and I'm sorry you're feeling this way too. I am 13wks now and can barely say the "p" word, have barely told anyone, I'm so scared I'll jinx it and i'm so terrified of all that could go wrong. Have you told your midwife/GP how you're feeling? I've just been referred for CBT to help with the anxiety. I think it's very understandable after what you've been through and some therapy would give you the tools to cope with these sorts of situations better. That's what I'm hoping anyway. Take care! X

  • I couldn't read and run, and while I have no pearls of wisdom for you, I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

    It's natural to feel bitter and angry towards those who have had it a lot easier than we have, and even though we can rationalise it and know that it's not their fault, the emotions that come with this journey are so raw so we are bound to be more sensitive to others' good news, especially those who are closest to us.

    I totally get why you wouldn't have sympathy with your sister's abortion excuse - it would be the last thing you'd want to hear given your struggles and it's bound to make you feel angry. My cousin's 18 year old daughter fell pregnant 3 months after having an abortion. That child is 6 months old now and here I am still childless...

    Being so far away from your family at this time is going to be hard for you. My SIL lives in a different city to us so she has a messenger group for her parents and my OH, and post daily updates about the baby so they know what's going on and feel involved (I was invited to the group but I can't face seeing daily updates, as harsh as it sounds). Is that something you could do? It might make you feel less isolated.

    I hope you feel better soon and can start to enjoy your pregnancy again xx

  • I love you

  • Hi Oakey80 - your post was just what I needed this morning (that sounds strange I know)

    Firstly, like you, I know how lucky I am to be in the position I'm in. I'm 20 weeks & had our scan yesterday. Ever since then I've been an emotional wreck. I too can't seem to relax or enjoy this pregnancy & I feel totally different to my other pregnancy 7 years ago. We've waited 5 years for this but I'm so hesitant to fully relax & enjoy as I'm so worried it's going to get taken away.

    Yesterday seems to have been the trigger for l this & I never imagined I'd feel this way. It's surprising how the IVF journey effects us & how deep the emotions go. I think it's natural to feel the way you do especially when it's a family member.

    Don't ever feel bad for how you feel - it's beyond your control. Just acknowledge them & work through them & you will come out the other side. As Button said, take time for you - maybe write some things down & this may help too.

    Just message if you need a chat, you're not alone xxxx

  • I agree with the other ladies - it's totally normal to feel this way having been though everything you've been through to get this far. And bloody pregnancy hormones don't help either - I'm emotional at the best of times but during pregnancy I was a complete wreck and still am 17 months later! I get why your sister has stolen your thunder and why you're feeling like you are about the whole thing. I'm not sure there's anything I can say to make you feel better apart from you're definitely not the only one to have ever felt like this. I found talking about my fears to a close friend really helped - your midwife is a good call too - if she's any good she'll get it!

  • Thinking of you.. people think the worrying and the stress ends at the bfp. It’s just the beginning xx

  • Hi Oakey.. What you are feeling is completely normal. I tried for nearly 10 years before my IVF pregnancy. I was very worried nearly the entire pregnancy, and particularly around 20 weeks scan point, which Pumpkin36 also referred to - but honesty I did relax more during the last few months. You will too.

    I have a child now but the IVF journey and the years and years of sadness does not instantly go away. You will be a better mother for it, you really will. You will shower your baby with affection and tell him/her you love him that bit more - I know I do.

    The worry and anxiety can bring you down, but i think its just completely natural. And I really think the closer you get to the date, you will enjoy it more.

    And believe me, when your baby had arrived, you really won't have time to think about your sisters baby. Everyone will fall in love with your baby and you will be so in love and exhausted, that you honestly won't have the energy to think about her. Over time, I think that relationship will probably get easier for you.

    Always here if you need support. But I seriously relate to everything you say. So don't give yourself a hard time...xxx

  • I really feel for you and you're strong for being open and honest about those feelings here. Even though you are anxious and worried, I hope you are talking to and bonding with your bump. It's so important to try and bond early even if you don't want to jinx things. I wish you all the best for a beautiful pregnancy and baby xx

  • Bless you! i completely understand your feelings and emotions. My SIL did the same to me (she already had a 6 month old! But I knew she got pregnant again to steal our thunder because she is super competitive anyway and was openly desperate for her first born around the time of our wedding because she wanted to have the first grandchild and knew it would be a matter of time before we started trying and I overheard her telling our guests at the table!) she had her 2nd baby 2months after mine...

    I felt like a b**** for thinking that way but you just cant help it when it has taken such a long hard painful journey to get your BFP.

    I now have a healthy 7month old boy and I Know how it is to have that ‘infertility cloud’ hanging over... it still hasnt really gone away 😔

    When i think about what we went through, it makes me feel a little sad aswell as very lucky. What also hurts is when friends who have been trying for a while finally get pregnant and say “oh we’re just glad that our bodies are working!” And “oh thank god we havent got to go to the doctors!”

    Or there is the other camp that ‘only came off the pill last month!’ 😠

    THANKS for that! It hits me right in the heart because i feel like saying “and What a terrible shame that our bodies arent working?! And that we had to go to the doctors?!” THANKS! (They know what we went through too!) I wish I didnt tell anyone!

    Im going to have counselling because even post IVF... theres still a bit of mental torture that can surface every now and then.

    I want to be the best mum I can be to my baby and I know that I need to deal with my issues/thought processes before it potentially ruins the experience that I so desperately longed for.

    It took me a while to calm down after the SIL sharing her news but I got there eventually 🙈 ... I think what helped was that she found out she was having another girl when she desperately wanted a boy! For me, that was my thunder back because we had a boy! Hopefully you can find something too ☺️

    Sorry to go on on your post but I just wanted you to know that youre not alone in feeling like this and youre not a bitch. It just feels good to get things off your chest and have someone listen and sympathise.

    Best wishes to you xxx

  • Hi everyone, thank you so so much for your replies. They all mean so much to me...just to know I'm not yet a complete loon. I've taken a break from the site for a couple of days as me and the dh went for a bit of a baby moon weekend away. Was so nice to get away, even just for a night and focus on just being happy together.

    My previous feelings haven't gone away...I'm still confused and upset as ever and I'm currently trying to decide what to do about it. It's such a mish mash of feelings going on in my head...I don't know if it's ivf, family or work that's making me feel like this...or a combination of all 3! I'm waiting til after my 20wk scan on Thurs to see how I feel after that and then take it from there.

    On a good note I spent Friday night at my dh's parents. We haven't told them about my sister or how I'm feeling as sometimes it's nice not to be treated like a "special case" They are soooo excited about the baby...and it was uplifting spending time in their company, just listening to their excited chatter. It certainly cheered me up...temporarily at least.

    Thanks again...I truly don't know where I'd be if it weren't for u guys xxx

  • So sorry you're feeling this way. I haven't been pregnant but I can only imagine that even though you have the BFP you've dreamed of it's still tough.

    I just wanted to wish you well and hope you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.


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