Fertility Network UK
14,307 members23,543 posts

Don't even know where to start!

How are we supposed to cope with life?

Christmas is my least favourite time of year - I lost my dad one year, IVF otd Christmas Day 2 years ago (BFN) and ended up in hospital with ectopic pregnancy Christmas Day last year. Rightfully so, I thought that things couldn't get any worse! Apparently they can! So it was my birthday a few weeks back, otd a few days later on my first de cycle, BFN again with only one transferred & one frozen.

Then my sister, the person I tell absolutely everything to, "texts" me two nights ago to tell me she's pregnant - not just a little bit but she's been hiding it from me for months. Her reason is that she was hoping my de cycle would work!! I had a complete meltdown, was sick, collapsed, you name it. My poor hubby had no idea what to do, am currently off work because I just can't get my head around it.

So many things make me angry about this, she's NEVER EVER wanted children, said that one day she might adopt but there was no way she was interested in having her own. In fact her & her boyfriend of 6 months were both saying that when I spoke to them at the weekend. Yes, you read that right 6 f*cking months...(excuse the language please). She had apparently been using ovulation tests as contraception & they were constantly negative so she didn't know straight away - as we all know, that is the most ridiculous thing to do because it's too late by the time they show up as positive anyway - &, as I'm sure you all know, ovulation tests come up positive throughout the pregnancy so her lying saying that she's never had a positive ovulation test really wound me up too.

I haven't responded to her message & have basically spent the last 36 hours of my life crying. I can't bring myself to congratulate her because I'm so angry & everything I want to say is not very nice so I'm choosing to say nothing. Apparently she won't tell the rest of the family until I've had time to process it.

I'm dreading everyone finding out & feeling sorry for me because then I can't get away from it. I can't tell anyone in the family because it's not my place to so can't get any support from anyone in my family either. I've already backed out of one family meal because I can't think of a time yet when I can face her & we have so much coming up in the next month with the family, I just don't think I can do it.

I'm also angry because I love her & I should be happy for her & excited about having a new niece or nephew but I can't be because all I can think about is how sad I am & how much I hate my life right now. I'm upset because as soon as she tells anyone they are going to ask if I know & I don't think anyone is going to be 100% happy for her given the short relationship & the circumstances with me.

I have no idea how I'm going to deal with this or cope with the next few weeks, let alone the next few months.

I've booked an appointment with a counsellor that I was seeing last year mainly because I know I have to say something to my sister & I need help working out what that is. That & the fact that I just can't cope with life right now.

I know that many of you have been in the same situation & a lot worse so sorry for the self-pity but I don't have anyone to talk to right now & all my friends with their many children have no idea how it feels to be in this situation.

Thought I was coping ok but this is the straw that broke me.

Does anyone have any advice? Xxx

13 Replies
oldestnewest

Hi lovely, just wanted to send you BIG hugs as I do understand how you're feeling. You have been through so much over the last few years. I am really only at the beginning of things (having multiple investigations etc which have flagged up some issues with me) but my husband and I have been TTC for a long time now and I've never ever seen a BFP - not once and yet everyone around me it seems is falling pregnant at the drop of a hat so I do understand how difficult things can feel. I think seeing the counselor is a good idea, i've just contacted our local counseling service at our clinic as well to help process things and find ways of dealing with my emotions. Give yourself some time lovely and if you ever need to offload any emotions my inbox is always open. Take care xxx ❤

Reply

Hi Poppy, thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post. I'm so sorry to hear that you are having difficulties too, I know that we're all in the same boat on here, no matter what point in our "journey" we are at. You are right, everyone seems to fall pregnant at the drop of a hat, although some of my friends have had a few issues before getting pregnant naturally - unfortunately this means that they all tell me that they know exactly how I'm feeling and if I just relax then it will happen naturally for me too. I spend so much of my time biting my tongue, smiling and thinking to myself that I really am alone in this. This forum is the only place where I feel that I can actually speak to people who understand.

The counselling certainly helped me last time, I'm not sure that I could have handled the last 18 months without it but I think I should have booked in some counselling before embarking on my last round of IVF rather than after the sh*t storm has hit!! I think you are doing the right thing speaking to someone now and hopefully it will help when/if you start treatment and in the meantime I wish you a world of luck. xxx

1 like
Reply

I'm truly sorry to hear about how hard things have been for you. It is a very difficult journey at times. I have found the forum so helpful as a place to chat with those who really understand and the support has been overwhelming. I do hope things get a bit easier for you and I have fingers and toes crossed that 2018 will be a better year for us all. Take care and sending you love and BIG hugs ❤ xxx

Reply

Hey hun, Im so so sorry that you are having to go through this sh!t situation. I know im probably not helping but I cant think of anything worse right now. I do think that you should tell your sister to tell the family as you shouldnt have to cope right now on your own, just you and lovely hubby. Whether it be pity they show you, it doesnt really matter, the whole point is they love you and you will have others that you can talk to and support you.....infertility makes us feel isolated so much in itself that not having your family is tough. Onto the sister, well obviously you cant ignore her forever as she is your sister but maybe just ask her to keep her distance until you feel ready. The counselling will hopefully help and maybe, and thats a big maybe...... you might feel able to talk to her. Try not to look too far into the future and just take things one step/day at a time. Life really is incredibly unfair sometimes, biggest understatement ever...!! Sending you massive hugs and love. xxxxx

Reply

Thank you lovely and thank you also for your other message, I really appreciate your support xxxxx

I have been thinking exactly the same, that I should ask her to tell everyone sooner rather than later, at least then I can stop dreading the announcement and start moving on a little but I literally can't find any words. I have been writing down everything that I want to say to her so that I can take it to my counselling session tomorrow and discuss it and find the right words.

I hope you are doing ok too? Will reply to your other message in a minute. Lots of love xxxxxx

1 like
Reply

You're very welcome....Ive replied on PM.xxx

Reply

Hey, don’t apologise for posting how you feel that’s what we’re all here for. So sorry for how much you’ve been through and how insensitive your sister has been. I had similar with my brother and SIL last Christmas, I’d had a MMC and then an unsuccessful FET and the day after they rang me to tell me she was pregnant again, along with a whole load of patronising advice. I’m not sure I have a much good advice as I didn’t spend Christmas with them I couldn’t face the baby talk when it should of been me but I felt a whole similar to how your describing.

I haven’t got a sister but I’m told the relationship with them is different so maybe when you’ve spoken to the counsellor and had time to process it a little you could meet face to face to tell her how your feeling. Could your mum maybe intervene for now and tell her how upset you are and you can’t face replying?

Please remember your allowed to fell sad and angry for yourself, this is a massive thing to deal with especially just before Christmas, allow yourself to go through the motions. Here if you need to talk xx

Reply

Thank you for taking the time to reply after everything you've been through. How are you doing?

Sounds like you had a horrible Christmas last year and I hope that you have never beaten yourself up over the fact that you couldn't face your brother and sister-in-law last year.

Unfortunately I can't talk to my mum yet as my sister hasn't told anyone her yet and I've already ruined what should be a happy announcement for her so I can't now announce it to other people for her. It's so difficult. I thought about asking my hubby to text her but I don't think he has any interest in speaking to her any time soon... I don't think that he's ever seen me, or anyone in fact, so broken and he's angry about that.

Thank you again and I hope that you are coping as well as you can with everything you are going through, you seem like a very strong lady xxxx

Reply

I’m getting there thank you. Could you or your Hubby if he’s able ask her to tell people or at least your parents as you need their support. It doesn’t seem fair that she’s just told you and now your having to deal with all this alone (I know you have your Hubby but still). I can understand how he’s feeling about not wanting to speak to her, mine was exactly the same to my brother it’s hard for them watching us distraught.

I really hope the counselling helps and your able to begin to process things, life can be so cruel xxx

Reply

This is dreadful, my heart breaks for you. It is so cruel that this experience takes away so many of life's simple pleasures. You should be able to celebrate your sister's pregnancy without the fear of how this makes you feel and how other people will treat you on hearing the news. But it's just so hard. None of my sisters have children (two definitely don't want, one is much younger so inevitably will in time), so I've been 'lucky' in that respect. When friends fall pregnant (come off the pill, cut down on smoking - or not in some cases - and hey presto they're expecting!) I find it really, really hard to be gracious. I know it's mean, and I know it's not their fault, but it seems to make a mockery of my own loss and my own failure.

I don't know what the answer is. I wish to god that I did, because I can feel every inch of your pain and frustration and it's harrowing. You do love your sister and when the little one comes along you will love him or her too. Hopefully your sister will understand why this is so hard for you. I know it's really, really hard to imagine the shoe being on the other foot, but she must have felt so worried about the impact this would have on you. I know that doesn't make it any easier, but if you're close (and it sounds like you are) and she's been one of your pillars of strength throughout this then do what you can to save that relationship. Let her know that you love her and you'll be in touch when you can, when you're ready. And take the time that you need.

Sending love and strength to you xxxx

Reply

A big hug to u. You have made me cry even harder . I've been a silent lurker ever since my 4 th ivf which became an ectopic . But ever since then I had 2 more goes out of which d latest being with a new consultant who was so hopeful and optimistic . And just few days back on day 7 scan he said there isn't much activity as he would have expected so he cancelled my cycle . And on top of that all my gurls who I made friends with all these years sitting in d corridors of various clinics hv managed to hv a child .

And I'm still lurking around here always for some support . And trying to help anyone d best I can . All I can say is to hv d faith and avoid family occasions . I myself find it so stressful around Christmas . I would not go to malls bcoz I can literally have a melt down in d middle of d mall right now . Hope u feel better soon .

Reply

Hi, I'm so sorry to hear of all struggles and sadness. I havnt posted on here before but your family situation sounds so similar to mine. We have been trying for 2.5 years with 1 miscarriage and am due to start IVF in January. My sister 'accidentally' had 2 boys with her partner and last year a few weeks after my

Nan passed away she announced she was pregnant again even though they have split up and he has moved out! I was heartbroken, angry and to this day I still am. To make it worse the baby arrived on what would have been my nans birthday was a girl (which she'd been hoping for) and so was named after Nan!!!

The only difference is none of my family know of our struggles, we have chosen to keep it private so I have had to silently hide my feelings from all and put on a smile whilst listening to her moaning away about how it's so hard with 3!!

I feel bitter and angry all the time that life is just so unfair so I know exactly how you feel. I don't really have any advice for you other than give yourself time and some distance and I'm sure one day it will be our turn

Take care and I wish you all the luck in the world xx

Reply

Hi,

I am so sorry to read all this.. Yes It is unfair. I think most of us know how it feels when it happens for everyone except for you. It's not that you are jealous, not that you don't want It for them, just that you need it yourself. And you feel bad because of how unfair it is and because you see yourself selfish and mean. But the only thing you want is to get pregnant and be able to share the happiness...

I don't have much advice, simply to love yourself. If you are very close to her, you could reply saying that you would like to be able to give her the same news and share It with her, but that because of this wound you have, you are unable, that you want everything to go fine but that you are simply unable to share her joy right now?

All the best. I really, really wish it all goes fine for you

Xxx

1 like
Reply

You may also like...