How are we supposed to cope with life?
Christmas is my least favourite time of year - I lost my dad one year, IVF otd Christmas Day 2 years ago (BFN) and ended up in hospital with ectopic pregnancy Christmas Day last year. Rightfully so, I thought that things couldn't get any worse! Apparently they can! So it was my birthday a few weeks back, otd a few days later on my first de cycle, BFN again with only one transferred & one frozen.
Then my sister, the person I tell absolutely everything to, "texts" me two nights ago to tell me she's pregnant - not just a little bit but she's been hiding it from me for months. Her reason is that she was hoping my de cycle would work!! I had a complete meltdown, was sick, collapsed, you name it. My poor hubby had no idea what to do, am currently off work because I just can't get my head around it.
So many things make me angry about this, she's NEVER EVER wanted children, said that one day she might adopt but there was no way she was interested in having her own. In fact her & her boyfriend of 6 months were both saying that when I spoke to them at the weekend. Yes, you read that right 6 f*cking months...(excuse the language please). She had apparently been using ovulation tests as contraception & they were constantly negative so she didn't know straight away - as we all know, that is the most ridiculous thing to do because it's too late by the time they show up as positive anyway - &, as I'm sure you all know, ovulation tests come up positive throughout the pregnancy so her lying saying that she's never had a positive ovulation test really wound me up too.
I haven't responded to her message & have basically spent the last 36 hours of my life crying. I can't bring myself to congratulate her because I'm so angry & everything I want to say is not very nice so I'm choosing to say nothing. Apparently she won't tell the rest of the family until I've had time to process it.
I'm dreading everyone finding out & feeling sorry for me because then I can't get away from it. I can't tell anyone in the family because it's not my place to so can't get any support from anyone in my family either. I've already backed out of one family meal because I can't think of a time yet when I can face her & we have so much coming up in the next month with the family, I just don't think I can do it.
I'm also angry because I love her & I should be happy for her & excited about having a new niece or nephew but I can't be because all I can think about is how sad I am & how much I hate my life right now. I'm upset because as soon as she tells anyone they are going to ask if I know & I don't think anyone is going to be 100% happy for her given the short relationship & the circumstances with me.
I have no idea how I'm going to deal with this or cope with the next few weeks, let alone the next few months.
I've booked an appointment with a counsellor that I was seeing last year mainly because I know I have to say something to my sister & I need help working out what that is. That & the fact that I just can't cope with life right now.
I know that many of you have been in the same situation & a lot worse so sorry for the self-pity but I don't have anyone to talk to right now & all my friends with their many children have no idea how it feels to be in this situation.
Thought I was coping ok but this is the straw that broke me.
Does anyone have any advice? Xxx